It’s difficult for me, and other ITB residents I’m sure, to grasp the concept of having an outsider come in and rescue you from failure. When we fail at anything our parents simply bail us out by writing a check, calling their lawyers, disposing of evidence, or all of the above. However, it’s not at all surprising that Cashmere, a commoner bar on Gelwood South, needs an outsider to help them stay in business. (For those that don’t know, Gelwood South is the area of Glenwood South that contains clubs like Cashmere, Mirage, Solas, and insert gel head bar that will open and fail in six months.) “Bar Rescue”, a television show that attempts to rescue failing bars from the reality of the free market, is currently filming at Cashmere. “Bar Rescue” airs on Spike TV, the Garner of cable channels, so Cashmere fits perfectly with their demographic of graphic tee wearing, Muscle Milk drinking, mouth breathing commoners. “Bar Rescue” also just finished “rescuing” some hole in the wall in Garner.

The restaurant is now MoonRunners Saloon, and the reveal was a huge success. The line stretched through neighboring parking lots as people waited to be let in. According to an update from the owners, the reopening was fantastic and they ran out of moonshine.

I can’t even make this stuff up.

In order to write this post I had to actually watch an episode of this show. It’s my sacrifice to you all so you won’t have to waste an hour of your own time. You can thank me later. The host of the show, Jon Taffer, meets with the bar owner and staff to review why they suck at being a bar. In the case of Cashmere, I assume he’ll say something like, “Your clientele is a bunch of weight lifting gel head gym rats who are trying to hook up with overly botoxed soon to be cougars. These gel heads and pre-cougars spend 99% of their disposable income at GNC Live Well and the tanning bed. I’m positive you haven’t seen a triple digit bar tab in years.” After telling them why they suck, Jon will proceed to renovate the entire bar. Manufactured drama will be added just before cutting to a commercial break for Axe body wash, Mountain Dew, and an online college. The show will resume and we’ll see the changes they’ve implemented and whether or not they’re successful. SPOILER ALERT: They’re probably not going to be successful.

It’s fine for these shows to exist. Commoners have to have something to keep them entertained since they’re incapable of doing things like reading iBooks on the newest iPad, having intelligent conversations, or blacking out at Five Points. But it is totally unacceptable to be filming this kind of filth inside the beltline. Cashmere, the free market has spoken. You aren’t successful. Please just give up now. Changing your drink menu and having professional DJs come in and tell your amateur DJs how to hit “play” on their MacBook pros while wearing their Beats by Dre headphones on one ear is not going to make people come to your bar. You attract the wrong kinds of people and you don’t belong in Raleigh. I would post pictures of your clientele here but I don’t want to make my readers sick. Check out their Geocities site if you can stomach it. It’s absurd that we even let Cashmere share an entrance next to Sullivan’s, an ITB landmark.

My friends and I have been in the bar rescue business before. We spent tens of thousands of our parents’ dollars trying to keep Felson’s alive and it simply didn’t work. Why on earth would anyone think a commoner bar on Gelwood South could be successful? I’m setting the over/under on how long this place will still be “Cashmere” at 3 months. Send me your bets. Hint: I’m taking the under.

It’s official: I’m published. Yesterday, I found out one of my tweets about the Dix park issue was published in an article by the Triangle Business Journal.

The NC Senate voting on Dix is like Leesville saying Broughton can’t turn Fletcher Park into our own private golf course. Beyond absurd.

— W. Needham Finley IV (@WNFIV) March 26, 2013

Yes, a REAL JOURNAL. Realizing how much credibility this gave me, I immediately stopped playing Bejeweled HD and checking twitter to call Dad. He picked up after the sixth attempt.

Dad: What do you want?

Me: Dad, I got published.

Dad: What? You’re still writing that damn book? Are you not in the office right now?

Me: Yes, I’m in the office and yes, I’m still writing that damn book. This is different though. I got published, IN A JOURNAL. I emailed it to you, posted it on LinkedIn and on your Facebook wall, tweeted it at you, then printed off the story and told the secretary to interrupt whatever you were in the middle of and give it to you personally. Did you see it yet?

Dad: No, your mother and I are on the way to the beach for the weekend.

Me: I thought we were staying ITB for Easter?

Dad: ………uh, we are. Don’t come to the beach.

Me: Well what time is brunch on Sunday?

*Click*

I assume Dad hung up so fast so he could pull over at the next exit to read my tweet in that article. I can just see him now, tearing up as he reads my first published works. Mom right next to him calling Grandma to tell her how much prouder they are of me than my sister. “He’s the greatest child we’ve ever had!” she’ll say, as she cries tears of joy. Then Grandpa will hear the news and pull out his checkbook to write me a $5 check with “We’re so proud of you!” in the memo. (Don’t worry, I’ll add some zeros to the end, he’ll never notice.) We’ll probably spend all Easter talking about how thankful everyone is for me.

I’m not sure why Twitter hasn’t put the blue check by my name yet. Clearly I’m important enough for that at this point. They’re probably coordinating with the TBJ on a ceremony where they frame that tweet and present it to me at a dinner in my honor. That really isn’t necessary (but it really is).

The Boston Celtics just got a lot more ITB. Yesterday, they signed Broughton/ITB legend Shavlik Randolph to a multi-year contract. Earlier this month, the Celtics signed Shav to a 10 day contract and then another 10 day contract after that. While playing for the Celtics he posted highs of 6 points, 8 rebounds, and 2 steals in only 15 minutes against the Charlotte OTB Bobcats. That comes out to about 19 points, 25 rebounds, and 6 steals had he played the whole game. Had the game gone into six overtimes, that would have been a triple double with 31 points, 41 rebounds, and 10 steals. That’s just math.

The Celtics knew Shav had been dominating while playing the last year in the Chinese Basketball Association, averaging 32 points and 14 rebounds. However, sources have said his ties to Broughton and ITB were the main reasons the Celtics decided to sign him to a multi-year deal.

“We knew he was playing really well overseas, but when you get the opportunity to have someone from Broughton AND ITB on your roster, you don’t pass that up,” said a source that I did not just make up.

This article does a great job of covering his career and his time with the Celtics: Meet Shavlik Randolph, Possible Missing Link For a Boston Celtics Playoff Drive

The Celtics now join the Miami Heat on the list of ITB approved NBA teams. Miami joined that list by signing Shav a few years ago. Here’s another great article on the time he spent with LeBron, Wade, and Bosh. Even after Shav left the Heat, Miami remained on the ITB approved list when they refused to play the Charlotte OTB Bobcats in Charlotte during a preseason game earlier this year. Since LeBron refuses to play in Charlotte, he asked that the game be played at Broughton. The Caps Club politely declined the request due to security reasons, citing fears that having the Heat play at Broughton would attract too many commoners. The teams finally agreed to play the game in Raleigh at the ESA, or what newcomers refer to as the “PNC Arena”. This just reinforces the fact that the Bobcats are OTB and no one likes them.

So congrats to Shav on signing a multi-year deal with the Boston Celtics. ITB looks forward to watching your success.

With all due respect to my previous guests, including the incomparable Ann-Cabell Baum Anderson, the ridiculously-creative John Morris, and hilarious Miami ex-pat and NCSU homer (or is he a hater?) Joe Ovies, to name a few, this time around I hit the mother load: Inside the Beltline extraordinaire William Needham Finley IV — also known as the ITB Insider (@WNFIV on Twitter).

This is essentially the equivalent of Oprah landing the President, or Beyonce. It may even be bigger than that. And that’s not hyperbole.

Here it is: A Capital Conversation with … The ITB Insider

I haven’t received any calls from Oprah, Diane Sawyer, Matt Lauer, or Geraldo Rivera for a follow up interview, yet. I assume this interview will go viral and I’ll be on the talk show circuit by next week.

I’ve gotten a lot of interview requests in the past. They mostly come from local news stations, other blogs, the head of Human Resources, the police, or Dad’s lawyers. Unless I’m legally obligated to participate, I usually turn these requests down. I don’t like answering to others and I refuse to subject myself to the “gotcha journalism” of the lamestream local media. Here’s just one example of NBC 17 trying to flatter me into doing an interview.

@wnfiv my co-workers have discovered WNFIV.they are all very excited.

— Penn Holderness (@pennholderness) February 26, 2013

Then NBC 17′s Penn Holderness tried to bait me into some sort of trap by tweeting at me, but with no tweet. What does it all mean?!

@wnfiv

— Penn Holderness (@pennholderness) March 7, 2013

The main reason I refuse to go on the local news is because I don’t want my lead in to be a story about a triple homicide/bank robbery/lice outbreak in Cumberland County (aka Fayetteville). As if that isn’t bad enough, 80% of a typical news broadcast is the anchors trying to kill time with absurd “news” stories about a cat driving a car into a Pizza Hut in Oklahoma,  or a deadly winter storm in Connecticut. What does that have to do with ITB?

That’s why, from now on, I’m promising to bring you the news stories that are only important to ITB. The Cameron Village tragedy proved that the ITB News Network is more reliable than local news when covering breaking news. Now it’s time someone starts covering the more in depth news that matters to ITB. Stories like:

White Memorial Pre-schooler Eats Entire Supply of Graham Crackers, Goes Home Sick

Broughton Student Throws Drink Across Village Deli, Furious That Drink Lid Doesn’t Fit On Cup

ITB Young Professional Wears Barbour Jacket to The Point for the 78th Consecutive Night

ITB Catholic Priest Turns Down Offer To Become Pope, Claims ITB is Already Heaven

These are the stories that matter to ITB. These are the stories I’ll work hard to bring you. Don’t worry, you’ll still get normal posts about how awesome ITB is and about getting blackout and not contributing to society. That never gets old.

Once again ITB is under fire (not a mansion fire) from WRAL, the third best news organization in Raleigh, behind Broughton’s WCAP and the ITB News Network. WRAL did some “investigative” journalism and “discovered” that the Carolina Country Club (the Club) doesn’t pay corporate income tax because of its non-profit status. I still don’t understand the problem here. This story followed similar stories WRAL did where they “investigated” large organizations that don’t pay taxes, such as the NFL and the ACC. When I say WRAL “investigated” I just mean they Googled “non-profit + NFL + ACC + Scotty McCreery + how to get more page views on this story” and then came up with a story. The story focuses on the Club, but they also mention Chapel Hill Country Club, MacGregor Downs Country Club, and North Ridge Country Club. Notice they left off Brier Creek Country Club, because it’s simply an oxymoron.

WRAL’s typical yellow journalism pointed out how the Club didn’t pay corporate income tax on its $1.2M in profits last year. That profit is from the membership dues, which my parents still pay for me. That money has already been taxed once, most likely at the corporate tax rate of 15% because my parents aren’t idiots and know their way around the tax code. Personally, I don’t understand taxes and Dad doesn’t let me talk to our accountant anymore after I tried to get him to help me launder my gambling money. So I asked Twitter and found out that the Club would pay “somewhere between $180,000 and $420,000” in taxes on $1.2M. Someone alert the IRS!

We don’t pay taxes because we don’t have to pay taxes. Deal with it.

I assume this is just a ploy by WRAL to get their grubby hands on our money so they can buy another Doppler 10 Million and maybe predict the weather correctly for the first time ever. So help me God, if they’re successful in stealing that $420,000 from the Club and it has any impact whatsoever on our quality of life while we’re golfing, tanning, Deb Balling, Raleigh Partying, etc. there will be blood. What’s next, taxing the Caps Club? Don’t even go there.

Attempting to add credibility to their story, WRAL talked to some OTB attorney. “One of the trade-offs is that these documents are public documents, because it’s your money and my money that is indirectly subsidizing the operation of these types of organizations,” Marty Martin said. Note: “Marty” is short for “Martin”, which means this guy’s name is “Martin Martin”. Clearly his parents were so OTB that they couldn’t grasp the concept of a double name. If Marty’s right, then he needs to just get over it. I think you can subsidize our putting greens and Pasta Night every once in a while, since we subsidize all your OTB roads and school buses that we never use. Just to be safe, I’ll toast you at the next Raleigh Party, since you subsidized the ice cubes in my gin and tonic. It doesn’t matter if Marty is right or wrong, I assume he’s just bitter that he isn’t a member of the Club and is upset that Brier Creek desperately needs taxpayer money to clearcut more trees to build another Applebee’s.

This is just another attack on ITB residents and I won’t stand for it. That’s why I’m working on my own tax plan for Raleigh. Taxes should be divided first by ITB and OTB, and then by ZIP code. All the taxes my parents pay for me should only go towards enriching our ZIP code. Why should I (my parents) pay for all the times the police have to go fight crime in Southeast Raleigh, when I’m never going to set foot there? Here’s just one example of the new ITB tax code:

Section 10: Transportation

Get rid of all transportation taxes, make all OTB roads into toll roads – Despite not knowing where it is, I fully support the new toll road. In fact, I think we should make it 100 times more expensive. Why should I have to pay taxes that go towards building 540 or any of the roads that lead to places that I’ve never been and will never go? Make the people that use the road pay for it, even if they have to get double billed.

This tax code will take some time to develop, but when I’m done I’ll send it to the Governor or Obama or whoever handles this tax stuff. Until then, just ignore all these ridiculous attacks on our livelihood that are being disguised as “investigations” by WRAL “reporters”. Chumps.

If you missed any of it, I’ve reposted the most important ITB events below.

ITBCS National Champions - Broughton graduate Jeremy Shelley led Alabama to victory in the BCS National Championship game against LSU.

Valentine’s Day - I remember my most memorable, and somewhat traumatic, Valentine’s Day.

The ITB Chick-fil-A Opened - It is finished. Finally. ITB residents were rewarded with our own Broughton/ITB Chick-fil-A, the only two story Chick-fil-A in the world.

ITB Moment of the Week: Future Late Night President asks Gingrich to Newt-er Obama - Broughton student, Snow Holding, had the political stones to demand Newt Gingrich do something about Mr. Obama.

Exclusive: Snow Holding Interview

ITB Insider™ Crushes Sports Radio - I’ve always known I had the potential to be a lead anchor for ESPN’s Sportscenter. I would have showcased this talent on WCAP, Broughton’s daily morning news show, but I could never make it to school that early on a consistent basis. Also, anchors only get to talk for a few minutes during the highlights. I prefer talking for much longer, without listening to others. This all just means that I’m better suited to have my own radio show. I was invited to spread the word of ITB on the Adam and Joe Show on 99.9 The Fan ESPN radio. They have yet to offer me my own show. Here’s the audio for those of you that missed it.

Webb Simpson Wins First US Open for ITB - We all need to congratulate Webb once again for winning the 2012 US Open. Not just a victory for an incredible person and player, but one for ITB as well.

I went back on the radio to discuss this ITB victory.

Raleigh Ruined My 4th of July - Raleigh tried to put on an event that catered to every walk of life, which is pointless, because there’s only one walk of life inside the beltline and it’s better than all the other walks.

Cousin Eddie Invades ITB - A Winnebago had the audacity to park in the heart of Cameron Village for weeks. It was a terrifying time for many ITB residents. I took matters into my own hands when Raleigh wouldn’t do anything about it.

Update: Cousin Eddie’s Winnebago Moves 5 Feet - I started to get support from fellow residents who were tired of living in fear.

ITB Speaks, Raleigh Listens, Winnebago Gets Towed - Victory.

ITB Will Dominate the London Olympics - My preview to the London Olympics.

ITB Wins Gold in Crushing London - Forrest put it best when he said, “No one is going to believe us when we tell them about this place.” He was referring to the Proctor and Gamble House that we basically lived in during our time in London. The full story will be told in my book, “Saved By The Beltline”.

How to Crush Your Freshman Year of College - This should be required reading for all the recent Broughton graduates who are beginning their freshman year in college. Follow this guide and you’ll be fine.

The Point of No Return - I had a panic attack when The Point went public about their lease running out and them having to move. Insiders knew about this for months, we just hoped it would solve itself quietly.

Hippest Hipster Invades ITB In Winnebago - Hopscotch Music Festival attracted a ton of hipsters to ITB. A few had the nerve to park their Winnebago in Cameron Village.

ITB News Network Exclusive: Tragedy in Cameron Village - Tragedy struck in Cameron Village when a gunman shot and killed a woman in front of Pier 1. ITB reporting broke the story well before our miserable local news stations.

ITB News Network: The Point Watch - An update on The Point possibly becoming homeless.

ITB Insider Says: Say “No” to Butt Chugging - Apparently, this is how commoners party.

Enloe Students Get Rare Opportunity to be Frat Stars - Enloe has always been jealous of Broughton. While we can’t fault them for their jealousy, we can make fun of them for lashing out at Broughton any chance they get. In a lame attempt to mock the fratiness that Broughton students naturally exude, Enloe students planned a “Frat Out” for their football game at Broughton. Hilarity ensued.

I’m So Prestigious - Apparently, some people who read the blog support Enloe and got upset. “Go die” was a typical response from these heathens. It wasn’t my goal to get a bunch of Enloe students to read this blog. I’d prefer that they just leave us alone and continue studying.

Almost the Worst Halloween Ever - Against Mom and Dad’s wishes, I went home to distribute their Halloween candy, but only to ITB kids.

It’s Not About Party Lines, It’s About Beltlines: An Open Letter to Pat McCrory - Our new Governor, Pat McCrory, is from Charlotte. This is clearly part of Charlotte’s agenda to ruin ITB.  I wrote him this unwelcome letter. I’m sure he read it.

Let’s Get Charitable - With the threat of being cut out of my parents’ will, I came up with ways that I could be more charitable.

ITBNN: Charity Adoption, Broughton Steals Phones From Students, Under Armour Undeniable Finals - I continued being charitable by adopting an ITB bus shelter.

Roll Tide, Roll Caps: Alabama Wins 2013 BCS National Championship - ITB finished out the year with another victory in the BCS National Championship game. Congrats again to Jeremy Shelley and the rest of Alabama.

Congratulations to Alabama for winning the BCS National Championship game against Notre Dame. More specifically, congratulations to Broughton’s Jeremy Shelley for winning his second BCS championship. We all know he should’ve won MVP of the BCS Championship game last year. Trent Richardson would’ve had 62 yards and 0 TDs if it weren’t for a garbage time 34 yard TD run, meaning Jeremy Shelley would have scored ALL of Alabama’s points in that game. He still won ITB MVP though.

Last year Broughton’s @jeremyshelley90 won ITB MVP of the BCS Title game itbinsider.com/?p=1348 Tonight he’ll do it again. #BroughtonITBUSA

— W. Needham Finley IV (@WNFIV) January 7, 2013

The Alabama vs. Notre Dame matchup was great for those who enjoy watching an overhyped team get totally blown out in a huge game. The main thing we learned from this game is that Notre Dame is overrated, Brent Musburger is a creepy old man, and AJ McCarron’s girlfriend, Katherine Webb, just got added to every guy’s Top 5 list. I’ve included the play-by-play from last night below. 

Alabama goes up 7-0 after an 82 yard opening drive. 

Hahahah #rolltide #BroughtonITBUSA — W. Needham Finley IV (@WNFIV) January 8, 2013

Of course the PAT was good. He hasn’t missed one this year. #rolltide #BroughtonITBUSA — W. Needham Finley IV (@WNFIV) January 8, 2013

Never knew the Notre Dame QB was from Myrtle Beach. So OTB. #rolltide #BroughtonITBUSA — W. Needham Finley IV (@WNFIV) January 8, 2013

Alabama goes up 14-0. Te’o has no idea there’s a football game being played at this point.

Baaahahahahah #rolltide #BroughtonITBUSA — W. Needham Finley IV (@WNFIV) January 8, 2013

Missing tackles now called “Te’oing” RT @steel: .@wnfiv, you can’t spell Tebow without T-E-O. — W. Needham Finley IV (@WNFIV) January 8, 2013

Te’oing: verb – the act of being overhyped by ESPN then completely disappearing in big games. #te‘oing #rolltide — W. Needham Finley IV (@WNFIV) January 8, 2013

RT @btwhedges84: This is like watching Broughton play Root @wnfiv — W. Needham Finley IV (@WNFIV) January 8, 2013

Brent Musburger creepily introduces us to AJ McCarron’s girlfriend. I immediately begin plotting how I can get her to come to Five Points and convince her to live ITB.

RT @quinnenglish: Reason #1 for watching this game. #RollTide twitter.com/QuinnEnglish/s… — W. Needham Finley IV (@WNFIV) January 8, 2013

Another 80 yard scoring drive puts Alabama up 21-0. Hilarious.

Now crying from laughing so hard. #rolltide #BroughtonITBUSA — W. Needham Finley IV (@WNFIV) January 8, 2013

This game is in 3D?! I’m going to Best Buy at halftime to buy a 3D TV. It’s a blowout so AJ’s girlfriend is gonna get a ton of time on TV. — W. Needham Finley IV (@WNFIV) January 8, 2013

Hey @_katherinewebb if things don’t work out with AJ, call me. You’re going to love living ITB. — W. Needham Finley IV (@WNFIV) January 8, 2013

Alabama goes up 28-0 as the first half ends.

Pahahhahahahahahaha. #rolltide #BroughtonITBUSA — W. Needham Finley IV (@WNFIV) January 8, 2013

RT @cullenlasso: Shelley mention count: 4. And got the TV time with this one — W. Needham Finley IV (@WNFIV) January 8, 2013

MT @reelschley: @wnfiv @jeremyshelley90 is wearing #5 bc he made 5 FGs in last year’s Champ Game. If that’s not ITB, I don’t know what is. — W. Needham Finley IV (@WNFIV) January 8, 2013

You’re right. Musburger doesn’t know what he’s talking about. #ITB RT @jacksonwaren: @wnfiv I thought he was wearing 5 for 5 points?

— W. Needham Finley IV (@WNFIV) January 8, 2013

The only way people are going to keep watching this game is if ESPN does a split screen of the game and a camera just on @_katherinewebb

— W. Needham Finley IV (@WNFIV) January 8, 2013

Notre Dame gets the ball to start the second half. Myrtle Beach throws an interception on their sixth play. Alabama goes on a 97 yard scoring drive to go up 35-0. Hysterical.

HAHAHAHA there was no one within 10 yards of him. @jeremyshelley90 crushes another extra point #rolltide #BroughtonITBUSA — W. Needham Finley IV (@WNFIV) January 8, 2013

.@jeremyshelley90 has scored more than Notre Dame and he hasn’t even kicked a field goal yet. #rolltide #BroughtonITBUSA — W. Needham Finley IV (@WNFIV) January 8, 2013

I wasn’t even paying attention at this point. Alabama scores again to go up 42-7. I was praying for the Alabama defense to hold Notre Dame to 7, and then have Shelley kick a field goal so we could say that he single-handedly outscored Notre Dame. Notre Dame scored again as the sound of Manti Te’o's draft stock could be heard plummeting through the floor. He did more to hurt his future career in one game than I did during an entire summer internship doing finance for Dad, even though I never passed that class in college.

When Te’o won all those awards which one was for being the best at jogging towards the pile after having no impact on the play? #te‘oing

— W. Needham Finley IV (@WNFIV) January 8, 2013

Final score 42-14. Obviously, the ITB MVP goes to Jeremy Shelley for the second year in a row. Time to hang another BCS National Championship banner at Broughton. It’ll look great next to the banner of Webb Simpson’s U.S. Open victory. Roll Tide. Roll Caps.

Charity Shelters

I continued my streak of being charitable by adopting a bus shelter last week. I realize that nothing about that sentence sounds ITB, but let me explain. Last week, ITB City Councilman Bonner Gaylord tweeted:

Who wants to help me beat Crowder? «@jhibbets Crowder challenges @bonnergaylord | ow.ly/fSrhE»

— Bonner Gaylord (@BonnerGaylord) December 6, 2012

I live for the opportunity to beat Thomas Crowder at anything, but bus shelters? Adoption? Responsibility? I’m not familiar with any of that. I learned that the process is very simple and you really don’t have to do any work at all. To adopt a shelter you just go to their website, pick a shelter, and then agree to clean it up once a month. In return, you get to name it.

Obviously, mine had to be either near Broughton or in Cameron Village, and luckily I was able to adopt the one on Cameron Street. Look at those brick columns, the large brick plaza, the wrought iron and wooden bench, the fact that it’s within 20 feet of Village Deli. Doesn’t get any more ITB than that.

Notice the “Foster’s” sign in the background. Never forget.

Dont worry, I won’t actually have to clean this thing myself, that’s what cleaning crews are for. I’ve hired a great ITB service, HOME Inc., to keep my shelter clean.

Now I need to decide on a name. Should I just name it after myself, “WNFIV”, or the blog, “ITB Insider”, or dedicate it to a place that will never return, “Nelson’s Was Here”? I’ve temporarily settled on “Nelson’s Forever – @WNFIV”, but this may change.

I’m in this for the long haul. This isn’t like getting a puppy and returning it 24 hours later because it cried too much and I realized I couldn’t take care of it because I can’t even take care of myself. I plan to celebrate this bus shelter’s birthday and have a blowout parking lot party when it turns 12, the legal drinking age for ITB residents.

ITB ALERT: Broughton Steals Students’ Phones, Hates Women

Cell phones are an ITB birthright. That’s why it was so shocking to hear from @charlotterives that over 100 cell phones were taken from Broughton students this week. No, these weren’t stolen by Leesville students, they were confiscated by Broughton administrators and teachers. I’m told that this is somehow tied to “at least four” fights that happened last Friday in the cafeteria.

Everyone knows cell phone possession and fights have no correlation. OTB schools have fights all the time and I doubt any of their students have cell phones. This means one thing, Broughton administrators hate women. Let me show you how I got to this logical conclusion, and remember, I took the LSAT four times. Broughton takes away cell phones from students. If Broughton students can’t use their cell phones, they can’t check Twitter during class. If they can’t check Twitter during class, they can’t find out that they can support Interact, a great ITB charity that supports victims of domestic violence, by buying ITB Koozies and shirts at the York Properties office. If they can’t support Interact, then no one will do anything to stop domestic violence. Thus, the Broughton administration is supporting domestic violence. This must stop now.

The easiest solution is for Broughton students to make their parents buy them new phones every day. If that doesn’t work, students should complain so much that their parents get fed up and start to berate the administration. Broughton will cave in and the students can go back to doing whatever they want during class because learning is for nerds. A good portion of my Twitter followers currently go to Broughton and I refuse to let them be deprived of checking Twitter during class. If this isn’t resolved soon I’m just going to buy everyone an iPhone 4, because they cost like a dollar now, seriously.

Finding Undeniable: We Must Protect This Broughton

Broughton has reached the finals of the Under Armour Finding Undeniable tournament. The winning school receives $140,000 worth of the most innovative uniforms, apparel, footwear, and accessories from Under Armour. I know, I know, ideally we would have Brooks Brothers or ITB Insider™ sponsor Broughton athletics but neither are in the sports market right now, and Dad said it wouldn’t count as charity if I spent $140,000 on Broughton sports equipment. If anyone needs brand new equipment, it’s Broughton. I’ve heard there are football helmets and jerseys that are at least two years old. That’s just not safe. Think of the concussions. Think of the students.

This tournament has brought the students together in the same way that getting new Under Armour uniforms brought together that rag tag (poor) team from East Dillon that Coach Eric Taylor took over in season four of Friday Night Lights. Side note: How OTB was East Dillon? I mean, come on. They might as well have had “Enloe” or “Leesville” written on their jerseys. The Dillon Panthers were so Broughton. I can just hear Tim Riggins moodily saying, “ITB forever” right before toasting Jason Street and Lyla Garrity and drinking his 89th beer of the night.

Some might see Broughton winning this as an example of the rich getting richer. To that I say, haters gonna hate, Slater’s gonna Slate.

I still don’t really understand how this tournament works, but it seems like the students have this under control. Let me know if there’s anything I can do to help. Tis the season.

Next Week:

An STD Motel opens on Gelwood South – Gelheads book every room immediately.
My Christmas list – what I want for Christmas and what you all should want after reading my Christmas list.

I hope everyone had a nice Thanksgiving break. As usual, I offended my family and am now working to get back into their good graces (and back into my parents’ will) by supporting ITB charities. I’ll explain more in a moment.

My family is generally always disappointed in me for some reason. However, last Thursday we reached a new low. You can see how the downward spiral began by reading some of my Thanksgiving tweets. I’ve reposted them in case any of you were too busy actually getting along with your family and didn’t have time to constantly check Twitter all day like I did.

Happy Thanksgiving to all. I’ll be reflecting on what I’m thankful for throughout the day. 1.) Broughton #ITBThanksgiving

— W. Needham Finley IV (@WNFIV) November 22, 2012

Cameron Village, the beltline, Tahoes, Five Points, friends, family (minus my sister), alcohol, myself. #ITBThanksgiving

— W. Needham Finley IV (@WNFIV) November 22, 2012

My sister showed Dad that last tweet. Now Dad’s forcing me to say I’m thankful for my whore of a sister. There, I said it.

— W. Needham Finley IV (@WNFIV) November 22, 2012

This still didn’t go over too well with Dad. He told me to stop referring to my sister in that way because it’s degrading to women and offensive. I see his point, but I still hate my sister.

I’m getting carpal tunnel from nonstop group texting and Tweeting to avoid interacting with family members. #ITBThanksgiving

— W. Needham Finley IV (@WNFIV) November 22, 2012

Playing Catchphrase at the dinner table. Got “Altar Boy” and yelled “These kids get molested!”. Buzzer went off. Dad is glaring at me.

— W. Needham Finley IV (@WNFIV) November 23, 2012

That basically ended our game of Catchphrase. Everyone except Mom and Dad left the dining room to watch a movie without me. I should have seen what was coming from a mile away, but I walked right into it.

“Welp, thanks for dinner. I’m going to Crowley’s to get blackout until I can’t feel feelings,” I announced.

“Sit down,” Dad demanded.

I sat, but only because he looked like he was going to kill someone.

“You’re making a mockery of this family,” Dad began.

“Debatable, but go on….,” I said, interested to see where he was going with this.

“You do the same thing every weekend and don’t contribute to society at all. Your spending is out of control. I can’t tell my credit card statements apart because they all just say, “The Point, Churchill’s, The Point, Churchill’s” over and over,” he said, as his face became red, probably from all the food we just ate.

I could now see where this was going, so I began to cut him off, “Chillax, Dad. It’s not like we’re headed for one of those fiscal cliffs that I keep hearing about. If you’re worried about spending, I’d talk to this one over here about why she replaced the oriental rug in the dining room. Did you see the price tag on that thing?” I said, trying to shift the blame to Mom, who was more concerned with opening another bottle of wine than she was with our little intervention.

“Your mother can spend as much as she wants because she’s had to put up with raising you. She also gives back to countless ITB charities. A charity is something that helps others,” he said.

“I know what a charity is Dad,” I interrupted. I was about to remind him of my ”I don’t help charities because they don’t help themselves” rule, but I was getting the feeling I should keep that to myself.

“You will come up with a list of things you can do to be charitable, or we’re cutting you out of the will.”

“Again with the will threat? Every time we talk I’m either in or I’m out. I’m getting real sick of your flip-flopping. Wait, does figuring out a way to use my bar tabs as a tax write off count as charity?” I asked.

I could tell he was getting madder than usual. He started doing that thing where he can barely speak in complete sentences. “No, that doesn’t count. Charities. A list. Do it,” he said, as he got up to leave the table.

So with the threat of being cut out of their will, I’m coming up with a list of charities to support. This has been the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. Fortunately, a fellow ITBer provided me with a worthy cause, InterAct. InterAct is a great organization that supports victims of domestic violence in Wake County. It’s located on Oberlin Rd., making it one of the most ITB charities there is. Supporting this charity also shows Dad that I can fully respect women, while still loathing my sibling, who just happens to be a girl.

Starting today, the ITB Masters shirt and the ITB Insider™ koozie will be available to purchase (cash or check) at the York Properties offices, located behind the Rite-Aid in Cameron Village (1900 Cameron St. ITB, Raleigh, NC 27605). I’ll be donating $5 from the sale of every ITB Masters shirt (sold for $20) and $2 from every ITB Insider™ koozie (sold for $5) to InterAct. These make great Christmas gifts, and can be used to show off how ITB you are during the holidays when you have to visit your pathetic extended family that you despise because they willingly chose to move to Atlanta, or wherever.

So stop by the York Properties office on your way to Chick-fil-A and pick up some ITB products while supporting an ITB charity. You can also make donations directly to Interact through the team webpage here.

With your help I should be able to get back into the will and back on to Mom’s Christmas shopping list before it’s too late.

I called Dad to get Pat’s phone number so I could talk him out of being governor. As usual, Dad ignored my phone calls, e-mails, texts, and the notes I left on his office desk. So I’m forced to write this unwelcome letter, which I’m sure Pat will read.

Dear Pat,

Well, well, well. So you’ve finally finished “runnin’ fer guvner” and you’ve won. You ran on a platform of squinting and talking about some thing called “fracking”, while your opponent just kept repeating his own name over and over again. Congrats on winning such a tough race.

I know the only reason you ran for Governor is so that you could live ITB if you won. Let’s get one thing straight, you aren’t ITB. You aren’t going to magically become ITB by living in the Governor’s mansion and stumbling home blackout from The Hall. It doesn’t matter that you’re Republican. Party lines will never be more important than beltlines. I would have voted for Adolf Hussein Bin Laden Crowder if he was running for governor, as long as his address was on White Oak Rd. Regardless of my objections, and constant calls to the board of elections asking how to impeach you before you get here, you’ll still be moving ITB soon.

I could lay out ground rules for you like, “You aren’t allowed to go to Broughton sporting events or the QOH assembly.” but it’ll be easier if you just read every blog post I’ve ever written so you’ll know how to behave ITB. You should also follow me on Twitter and read every tweet I’ve ever tweeted.

Don’t think that you can slack off during your term just because Bev gave up after her first week in office. Your job is to worry about all the parts of the state that I only care about when I’m vacationing there. My job is to make sure ITB continues to be a beacon of elitism and exclusivity. You may be the new Governor, but I’ll die before I let someone from Charlotte tell me how to live my life inside the beltline.

As I said before, this isn’t about party lines, it’s about beltlines. Welcome to ITB, bitch.

Sincerely,

WNFIV