I’ve recently come across some shocking news. There has been talk of paving over the front lawn of Broughton to add more student parking. Basically, the school administrators want to pave over the grass in front of Broughton to increase the amount of parking spaces. I have seen at least 13 articles (some on the front page) on this topic in the last 2 weeks, some of which I’ve listed below.

A Push to Save the Lawn
Waiting for a decision on Broughton
Alumni Save Broughton Lawn
Education’s Epitome – Letter
Being Broughton – Letter – JR Band Teacher
Money and Mouths – Letter
Wake to appeal BHS parking Decision
Broughton High to appeal parking lot denial
Paradise paved, a long time ago
Broughton grads, students take competing claims
Council Delays acting on Broughton Proposal
Council Holds off on Taking Action

It’s great to see the N&O and WRAL focusing on such an important issue, that really is coverage you can count on. Many residents have left comments on these articles, which you can view here. None of them are actually important, but I’ve listed a few unedited, real comments below. I felt it was my duty as an ITB resident to provide a response.

“WOW…so a group of 12 people who are not even currently involved in the school but have a lot of money and influence can stop a decision made by current parents and PTSA?? Hmmm….Is there a “special” connection between Broughton alumni and city council members???? I believe in using all of your connections when you need help, but this seems to be a bit over the top doesn’t it?”

Over the top? Not at all. BHS alums call the shots when it comes to BHS related decisions that normally are made by the City Council. You shouldn’t be surprised that 12 ITB BHS parents got this decision changed. This is nothing compared to the time those 9 ITB BHS parents (including my aunt) forced the City Council to reject a plan to put a Wal-Mart inside the beltline.

“Goes to show it is all about who you are and who you know ITB…”

I live by this principle. I couldn’t agree more and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

“…A better option would be to install bike racks…I don’t know the demographics of the student population but would fathom to guess that most come from inside the beltline. For the majority of students that is a bike ride of less than three miles or approximately 15 minutes. I have traveled through Europe during the school year and noticed at the schools racks upon racks of bicycles. If European kids can ride their bikes to school, why can’t American kids?”

Because we aren’t gay. Europe sucks, it’s the worst country in the world. Ride bikes…that’s hilarious. Where am I going to hold my cup from Village Deli or Bojangles if I’m riding a bike? Also, who ever heard of hot boxing a bike? That’s not even possible.

“Since when did it become a God-given right for students to drive their own cars to school? Ride the bus!”

Since they were born ITB. Ride the bus? Are you retarded? Busses are for people who can’t afford gas.

“PAve everything make is easier to get to school. Who cares about someone that graduated over 50 years ago, good play with your friends in the nursing home.” – posted by bobbyj

Bobby, it’s great to see that your Leesville education is finally paying off. I can already tell that you’ll go far in life. Please keep posting comments on the Internet so everyone can see how worthless OTB residents are…at everything.

“…I haven’t heard a single lawn proponent who has invested as much heart and time into making that school what it is as the decades-long faculty and administrators who support the lot plan. Let’s defer this decision to those who are actually close to the situation.” – posted by dmccall

Let’s not. Haven’t you realized by now that the “decades-long faculty and administrators” are only there to do whatever the parents who write the biggest checks tell them to do? How the hell do you think I passed Chemistry, Calculus, Biology, AP U.S. History, Latin I, Latin II, Latin III, Latin IV (I still don’t even know what “Latin” means) Gym, AP Physics, AP English, Auto Shop, and Geometry?

“We must have a place for junior’s BMW or ‘Vette. the cannot park off street!!! oh, and junior, take a bus with those low life commoners-out of the question. Ruin the front yard so junior can park his jewel-NOT IN THIS LIFETIME. Or better yet, let’s call Raleigh the “CITY OF ROADS” and just pave everything. Get real-the school board needs to worry about educating children instead of parking lots and fees for parking lots!!!! Sounds like some misguided priorities to me.” – posted by tgw

Finally, someone with some sense.

“…Some kids like mine do use the CAT bus in the pm because there is not a school bus that goes near our residence… He has a 45 min.to an hour wait everyday… Additional parking would help keep the kids… One other solution might be to incorporate more CAT bus routes in that area to increase ridership.”

HAHAHAHA. This kid actually rides the bus! The CAT bus! I don’t understand why everyone keeps suggesting we utilize the mass transit that was paid for by our tax dollars. What a loser.

“its not like paving the grounds will destroy the looks of the school. its one of the most depressing buildings i have ever seen.” – shortcake53

Two words shortcake: kill yourself.

As you can see, many people have wasted time leaving their ignorant comments on these articles. I drive by Broughton every day on the way to work at 11:00am, even though it’s completely out of my way, and I refuse to have a parking lot obstruct my view of the glorious BHS façade. I wasn’t going to protest this proposal because I don’t know how to navigate downtown Raleigh, which is where the City Council meeting was held. Thanks to some Broughton alums from the 1950s and 1960s, the proposal to pave the lot was rejected, turns out old people aren’t as worthless as I had once thought. Below are unedited excerpts from an actual e-mail sent by an alum from the class of 1964.

“Hello everyone!
I am writing to folks other than my own class who have called/emailed me recently. I wanted to give you the latest – it’s not particularly good. Bear with me if you already know some/all of this.

The Planning Commission…voted to recommend against putting the parking lot on the front lawn. Great for us. Because it was a split vote…it has to go to Raleigh City Council for consideration by law…

Next step: City Council will hear this matter THIS COMING TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 16, AT 1:00 IN THE COUNCIL CHAMBERS (222 W. Hargett Street, Room 201)…

…This is NOT a public hearing. That means no speakers from the public. HOWEVER, there’s some slim possibility the mayor would open it up anyway. And, we are informed the PTSA group is “up in arms” about the decision” (understandably so) and will be in attendance in force. SO SHOULD WE! Just in the off chance that the meeting IS opened up, we should have folks there who could speak to this issue. I definitely plan to be there and will be prepared to speak if necessary. If you can come, great! I don’t know how to get in touch with some of the speakers from Tuesday like Ed Berryhill and Ed Jones. If you folks can get word to them, great.

The other possibility of sharing thoughts with the City Council through email. At first I was a little cautious about that, but now I plan to write. My approach is acknowledging there is a parking problem, that there are plenty of students who have no choice but to drive, finding solutions that don’t involve the front lawn…

…You can go to www.raleighnc.gov and click on City Council… at the bottom of the page is a list of the Council members and how to reach them. This would be a legal way to get our opinions in front of them absent the opportunity to speak publicly. All you lawyers (”influential Raleigh citizens” that the paper keeps referring to) and others whose names are known in Raleigh — have at it!

Thanks for listening.
——————— Class of 1964″

Thanks alums, but you didn’t solve the problem. Broughton is quickly becoming overrun by commoners from OTB, and even worse, some from OTOB (outside the outer-beltline aka the 540 loop). It’s been a disaster ever since BHS became an IB magnet school. I don’t even know what International Baccalaureate means. I’m guessing it has something to do with broadening a student’s horizons and encouraging them to think globally, two things that should never be taught at Broughton. Becoming a magnet school meant an increase in students, which has ruined the parking situation. Before I could drive, my Mom picked me up from school everyday after her tennis lesson and lunch at the Club. Once I got my new SUV, I could drive to school and park in my spots at Kip-Dell and York (two $400 a spot parking lots that are exclusive as shit). My spot at Kip-Dell was for parking and the one at York, which is across the street from Broughton, allowed me to sit in my car when I didn’t feel like going to class. If these OTBers weren’t so poor and in need of having dual incomes, the moms could pick up their kids, decreasing the number of OTBers that were driving to school and wasting valuable parking spaces.

To solve this problem, I’m suggesting that all ITB SUVs and BMWs/Mercedes be marked with the coveted “ITB” oval sticker, after students complete their application for it of course. Then, we just tow away the cars that don’t have the sticker or cars that are pieces of shit, because not having the ITB sticker and your car being a piece of shit is obviously mutually inclusive. Since OTBers won’t be able to afford the cost of getting their cars back from the towing companies, we will be able to segregate the ITB residents (people with cars) from the OTB residents (commoners without cars). These students can enjoy the 30 minute ride back to their OTB or OTOB “homes” by those buses that their parents have been raving about. If this doesn’t work, we can always price gouge (a classic ITB move) the spots so that only ITB students could afford them.

If we still need some more spaces, Broughton raises close to $500,000 a year in it’s capital fund, 100% of that comes from ITB families. We can use this money to build a parking deck wherever we want, or buy those decrepit condos next to BHS, tear them down, and let ITB students park there.

This situation has shown how much pull BHS alums have and how they use said pull on only the most important issues, meaning issues related to Broughton. BHS alums don’t have to get elected to the City Council to influence these types of decisions. Why waste all that time and money campaigning, talking to people, and listening to the concerns of residents in order to get elected when you can just speak up whenever you’ve got a problem with something and have everyone immediately do what you tell them? When BHS alums say “jump” the City Council should say “Off of which building?” Sure, City Council members spend all their time thinking about ways to solve Raleigh’s problems, but when it comes to deciding on ITB related changes, we can always count on the BHS alums to set aside some time from being exclusive to ensure that BHS interests are always taken care of, even if the alums are in no way affected by the issue at hand. I’d hate to see someone with new ideas or good solutions actually get away with implementing them inside the beltline. I’m glad we aren’t wasting tax money trying to solve “real” problems in Raleigh.

It is finished. Last week, the new Raleigh Convention Center opened downtown. It wasn’t a good Friday to host this grand opening, the weather was poor, but that didn’t stop city officials from continuing on with the ceremony. They really had no choice, considering that Raleigh has been faithfully awaiting this second coming for over five years. Unable to contain their excitement about the prospect of a new convention center saving downtown Raleigh, residents created an event called “Raleigh Wide Open” for the sole purpose of announcing that Raleigh was going to build this new center. At this announcement, city officials claimed that by adding a few new hotels, a 33 story tall building, a bunch of gel-head infested condos, and this convention center; Raleigh’s problems past, present, and future would all be solved. At first, I wasn’t sure what everyone was so excited about. I thought the convention center was just used to host Broughton graduations, Broughton proms, the Deb Ball, boat shows (I’m not going to leave ITB just to get a boat, dealers can bring them to me), and ITB related events. What other purpose does a convention center serve?

Desperately wanting to demonstrate their faith and dedication to this convention center, Raleigh residents held the same event the following year, creatively named “Raleigh Wide Open II.” I don’t know what happened during this event, but I’m guessing it was a typical “downtown commoner-fest” which for those of you who don’t know, usually consists of Crocs-wearing losers roaming around downtown looking at shitty “art” created by Raleigh residents, while other jean short-wearing socialists try to spread their message of cultural diversity and acceptance of others to anyone that’s stupid enough to listen to the opinions of others. All this takes place while some miserable indie band tries to peddle their new CD by playing a “concert” in the middle of Moore Square. This event had nothing to do with the convention center.

Finally, this past Friday, “Raleigh Wide Open III,” a 36-hour event dedicated to the resurrection and second coming of the new convention center, took place in the middle of Fayetteville Street. I would have attended, but I don’t care about the convention center or downtown Raleigh. Also, the only way I’m staying up for 36 hours straight is if I take about 250mg of Adderall, and I’m not wasting that on some stupid commoner infested “celebration” downtown. It’s football season and I need that shit so I can make it to Felson’s after a full day of tailgating.

When city officials said the convention center would save us from all of our problems, I assumed they meant that we were finally getting the desperately needed valet service for our Broughton graduations, proms, and Deb Balls. Some people complained about the $221 million price tag, but once people saw how much easier it was for ITBers to attend ITB related events, I figured all the opponents of the center would quit bitching about the budget increases. I assumed everyone was just excited that ITBers would finally have a bad ass convention center with valet parking all to ourselves, but a 36 hour celebration seemed a bit over the top, especially since the people attending this celebration aren’t even going to get to use the convention center. Turns out I was dead wrong. Apparently, everyone is so excited because the city has built this convention center for other people to use. City officials are using the “logic” that if we bring in people for conventions, they will shop downtown (in our nonexistent stores) and stay in our hotels (even though we don’t have enough hotel rooms) which will bring in tons of money, thus solving all of Raleigh’s problems. How is bringing more outsiders to Raleigh going to fix our current commoner infestation problem? They’re only making things worse; here are a few conventions that are already booked.

COMING: 135 EVENTS
Kindermusik International – “gives children the opportunity to develop social skills and build relationships with other children their own age while enjoying music.” – Sounds like daycare to me. Just because your kid can’t go to White Memorial pre-school doesn’t make it ok for you to drop your heathen children off at the convention center, while you rent a hotel room and pretend to be ITB for the weekend.

The National Genealogical Society – Why can’t they just research their insignificant ancestors in their own insignificant towns? I don’t need to research my family tree, all my ancestors are ITB.

National Tekakwitha Conference – I’m really worried about the National Tekakwitha Conference, which is a group of Native American/Aboriginal Catholics. I’m sure those tribes roll pretty deep, after all, they are Catholic. Considering that we don’t have enough hotel rooms, what are we going to do when tons of Native American/Aboriginal Catholics show up with no place to stay? I’m pretty sure they don’t travel with their tee-pees all the time. What if they set up camp near Felson’s? Do the math, Native American + Catholic = alcoholic pedophile. This is what we’re trying to attract? Convincing them to leave a bar would be almost as hard as getting me to leave ITB for more than 3 days. If they try to stay for good I’ll just buy some land in North Raleigh, move them out there, and have them run a casino for me (all proceeds would go to the New Beltline fund). We’ve obviously got to make sure these Catholics stay away from the playgrounds of Lacy and Root, even though neither school currently has one.

I’m just glad no one planned this whole convention center idea very carefully. Having the convention center so close to Gelwood South will definitely make visitors hate Raleigh. No one wants to visit an area with so many different commoner bars to choose from. It’s also a good thing that all the restaurants downtown are terrible, except for Sullivan’s, Café Luna, Second Empire, and Mellow Mushroom, but commoners can’t afford those anyway. I wonder which city official will become the scapegoat for completely screwing this up. I hope it gets blamed on one person so I only have to write one thank you note. Soon everyone will see that building a $221 million mistake and inviting trash to temporarily live ITB is the worst idea ever. When it eventually fails to generate any money for the city, I’ll probably get some ITB investors to buy it with me at half the price, just so we can still hold our ITB events there, now with valet parking.

Not a day goes by that I don’t leave my house wearing a collared shirt. Everyone knows that t-shirts are for dorm rats, pseudo intellectuals, gel heads, and commoners who shop at Wal-Mart or Champs Sports. There are, however, certain situations when it’s acceptable for an ITBer to wear a shirt lacking a collar. Working out at the Club or the YMCA on Hillsborough, lying on the couch recovering from a night of binge drinking, or spending an afternoon trying to find where my SUV ended up after leaving late night are all instances where a collared shirt is not required. To avoid being mistaken as a commoner, I make sure to only wear ITB acceptable t-shirts. These can be defined as shirts from the following places/events; Sanitary Fish Market (with front pocket), Beaufort Grocery Co., Angus Barn, any shirt from a fraternity/sorority function that I don’t remember attending, Guy Harvey, Big Rock fishing shirts (even though I’ve never actually participated in the tournament), Vineyard Vines shirts from Carolina Cup, shirts from Broughton athletic teams, Dockside, Camp Seagull, Camp Seafarer, and shirts from the Ducks Unlimited Banquet. Unlike commoners, who think it’s “clever” and “witty” to wear vintage t-shirts they’ve purchased from some random website, I wouldn’t be caught dead wearing anything not on the aforementioned list. While these vintage t-shits are much more bearable than the ridiculous “designer” gel-head attire, I still don’t approve of them, mainly because I don’t understand them or their references to popular culture.

I’ve had to rethink my position on acceptable non-collared shirts after seeing this on the front page of the paper. It’s about time the N&O started covering stories that mattered. To sum up the article, Kris Hixson created a t-shirt stating the obvious “Raleigh > Charlotte.” Raleigh city officials denied his application to sell these shirts at some commoner infested event called “Raleigh Wide Open III” (I’ll explain later).

Finally, someone comes up with a great idea to display Raleigh’s superiority, only to have our politically correct city officials ruin everything. Out of 250 vendors at this event, Kris was the only one rejected. Why are we banning the sale of these? Every ITB resident should be required to purchase this t-shirt/factual statement. Apparently, convention center officials thought it was too offensive. As some convention center worker person Michelle Boyette so eloquently put it, “We might think Raleigh is greater than Charlotte, but that’s not cool.” Actually, Michelle, it’s cool as shit. As if we even needed a reason to prove our superiority, we now have a new convention center, a new hotel, and a new tall building, it’s almost like we’re a real city. These additions only make the “Raleigh > Charlotte” equation more true. I’m just assuming you haven’t noticed all three of these new buildings because you’ve been busy making sure the convention center doesn’t hurt anyone’s feelings.

I tried to find out more about Kris, whether he was ITB, what kind of car he drove, etc. Apparently, he is a graduate of Broughton, so he does have some credibility. Other than that, all I could find was this statement from a reporter.

“Kris Hixson’s disdain for Charlotte stems from his strained relationship with his step-brothers, former rap duo Kris Kross who currently reside in Charlotte. Hixson was asked to leave the original group due to the lack of ”street cred” he held with their fanbase (10-year-old males from the urban demographic.) His inability to dress himself backwards, a skill the two eldest brothers mastered early in life, was viewed as unacceptable by their fans. The duo’s manager also worried that a trio of “Kris, Kris, Kross” would send an unintended message to minorities as well as draw volatile crowds to concerts. Nevertheless, Kris carried on his musical aspirations, writing a song about Raleigh, titled “Raleigh is Greater than Charlotte.”

I tried to find the song but only found his lame YouTube Channel. Hixson still hates Charlotte, noting that “If you’re from Raleigh and move to Charlotte, something is wrong with you.” Kris, while I’m not sure how ITB you are, I couldn’t agree with you more.

The only problem I have is that you left out “ITB” from your t-shirt equation. The shirts should read “ITB > Raleigh > Charlotte.” Realizing this mistake, I did what any ITBer would do. I decided to “borrow” his idea and make it my own because “ITB > Raleigh” should definitely be displayed on a t-shirt. This statement is simple and easy for commoners to understand, even Garner residents know what the “>” sign means. You will now find what I call “fact”-shirts, which state blatantly obvious facts about ITB, available for purchase in the “ITB Yourself” section of this site. All proceeds from the sale of ITB merchandise will go towards building a wall around the soon to be re-routed beltline. I don’t know how to do all that trademark and business stuff, so don’t “borrow” this idea like I did. I’ve got my parents’ lawyers working on all that at this very moment. I still haven’t figured out how I can make customers enter their zip code to prove they are ITB before buying these products. I’ll get the IT guy from my dad’s office to figure that out, after all he did manage to make this new website for me. I’ll explain why Raleigh is superior to Charlotte, as if it isn’t painfully obvious, at another time. I just had to let people know how pathetic our city officials are making us look by banning the sale of these fact-shirts.