I’m told that Valentine’s Day is one of the restaurant industry’s busiest nights of the year. Guys are forced to make reservations at nice restaurants for no reason at all, while girls don’t have to do shit. This is why I choose not to participate in this worthless “holiday”. Instead, I’ll go straight to Felson’s around 11:00pm, get blackout, then at 2:00am I’ll join the scramble on the dance floor to pick up some girl with low self esteem who is depressed because she’s single on the “most romantic day of the year”. It’s like shooting fish in a barrel. Going to a nice dinner and enjoying the company of a female is such a waste of time compared to the perfect storm (high amounts of low self esteem) for hooking up that will be present at Felson’s on Saturday. If I did ever choose to participate in Valentine’s Day, I wouldn’t have to worry about making reservations since I have a standing reservation at all times in all of the nicest restaurants inside the beltline. Normal people have to call weeks in advance to make reservations at these restaurants, which made me realize that I can make a shit-ton of money off of this holiday. Some of you may have been wondering why it has been impossible to get a reservation for two at a nice ITB restaurant this year. Well, it’s because I took them all. About a month ago, I spent a few days making as many reservations as I possibly could for two-person tables at the most expensive restaurants in Raleigh. I’m now offering these reservations for a small fee of $100. If you were planning on going to one of these restaurants in the first place, you shouldn’t even blink at dropping another $100 for a reservation. You send me an e-mail offering to buy one of my reservations at one of the following restaurants. Café Luna, 2nd Empire, Sullivan’s, The Angus Barn, The Mint, and 518. Then, I’ll give you the time of the reservation and the appropriate name that it has been reserved under. For these nicer restaurants I had to use names that ended with roman numerals or names that have been used to name important buildings inside the beltline.

I reserved all the two-person tables at the following commoner restaurants as well. Red room, Bogart’s, Sushi Blues, The Hibernian, The Oxford, The Rockford, The Big Easy, and Vin. I made sure to reserve the tables under more poor names (Dennis, Jose, Juan, etc.) that are appropriate for these shit holes.

Now I know you’re probably saying to yourself, “Well, what if a gel head scrapes up enough money to buy one of the reservations at the nice restaurants? I can’t be seen eating at the same restaurant as a designer jean wearing commoner.” Neither can I, which is why I’ve alerted all of the hostesses (who I’m on a first name basis with) to be on the look out for anyone who doesn’t fit in. By “doesn’t fit in” I mean, looks poor, isn’t wearing exactly what I wear all the time, and has an ugly date. I’ve also instructed all of the valets to only park SUVs and cars that cost more than $60,000.

For those of you who can’t afford $100 for a reservation, stop reading this blog. If you’re still reading, bad news, I’ve also figured out a way to monopolize the reservations at all of your favorite shitty chain restaurants such as Applebee’s, Chli’s, Outback Steakhouse, Rockola Café, etc. I’m paying Mexicans to wait in line at these “restaurants” until those high-class electronic beepers start lighting up and vibrating. Once they go off, I’ve instructed my Mexicans to walk to the back of the line and offer their table to the highest bidder. Genius, I know.

Don’t worry, I haven’t forgotten about Solas. I hired the IT guy at my Dad’s office to make a bunch of fake e-mail addresses and reserve all the tables at Solas, using their online reservation service. I’m not actually selling these reservations because I don’t want Solas to make any money. Hopefully, having zero customers on Valentine’s Day will force them to go out of business.

This plan is brilliant and will result in me making a ton of money while also ruining Valentine’s Day for the commoners who can’t afford to pay for reservations. For all you wealthy procrastinators, you’ve got less than a day to get your reservation. Good luck, and I’ll see you at Felson’s when you end up not being able to get a table anywhere else.

Stuart Scott confessed to reading this blog the other night on Sportscenter as he covered N.C. State’s upset of Wake Forest. Scott’s admission to reading this blog came as a surprise, since I’ve always thought he was illiterate. No, I didn’t assume he couldn’t read because of his mangled eye, I had just always thought that his nonsensical ramblings during his highlights were failed attempts at reading the teleprompter. Half the time I can’t understand him and am forced to watch Sportscenter with subtitles, which still doesn’t make any sense of what he’s saying. Wednesday night, however, I had no problem understanding Scott as he said, “Number 8 Wake Forest went down I-40 from Greensboro to Raleigh, got on the beltline, and got rocked by North Carolina State…” Sure he may have only said the word “beltline” one time, but I could tell he wanted to go on and on into more detail about how incredible everything inside the beltline is. Watch the video and see for yourself. Stuart, I’m still assuming you can’t read, so if whoever reads the internet for you is reading this blog now, well, I’m not that big of a fan to be honest. I still think you might be half-retarded so I’ll stop here to avoid any lawsuits from you or your shitty network. Booyah.