I don’t need help getting girls. I just show up at the bar, buy lots of shots, shout random shit at people I know, then take a random girl home. It’s almost too easy. Recently, a friend of mine, Mary-Caldwell Hovington, overlooked Forrest and myself when attempting to set her friend, Sarah-Leigh McClatchy, up on a date. We were pretty pissed that Mary-Caldwell didn’t even bother asking us if we wanted to bang this girl, so we decided to confront her. When we did, she claimed that Forrest had already banged too many of her friends and “treated them like shit” and that she didn’t consider me because of my “Don’t date till I’m 28” (it rhymes) rule. In order to overcome Mary-Caldwell’s ridiculous objections, Forrest and I came up with a proposal that will convince her to let us bang her friends. Let me make it perfectly clear that Forrest and I are not talking about banging the same girl at the same time; we are just asking that she disregard our “immature” behavior and start setting each of us up with separate friends. I’m posting it here for any other girls we know who are in the same situation.

Dear Mary-Caldwell Hovington,

When Forrest and I found out that you tried to set up one of your friends with a “nice” guy, we assumed you were going to call us next to offer up some friends we could bang. When you didn’t call, we sent text messages such as, “wtf, ur setting ur friend up with not me? have u seen me lately?” or “wtf is wrong with u?!, call me, we need to talk about friend banging” which you simply ignored. When we confronted you in person at the bar, you finally stated some absurd objections you have about us banging your friends. To overcome these objections, we’ve drafted this proposal that will hopefully change your mind regarding who you let your friends bang in the future.  

A Request to Bang Your Friends in 2009

by William Needham Finley IV and Forrest F. Forrester III

It has come to our attention that the current frequency of Forrest and I banging your friends, henceforth referred to as “friend banging”, has reached an unprecedented low. Sure we could blame this on Obama or the “recession” that is “crippling” our economy, but that would just be taking the easy way out. I’d like to think the majority (or all) of the blame falls at your feet. You simply do not understand the intricacies of the friend banging market. It’s okay though, we’re willing to help you so that you can help us increase our current deficit. To study this very delicate and ever changing market we must break down and analyze many different factors. First, let us look at the current friend banging landscape. The following graph displays the number of your friends banged by Forrest and I (separately) in 2009.

As you can see, Forrest and I have banged zero of your friends in 2009. This has not been for lack of trying, as we have both gotten blackout on a consistent basis and have tried to bang any of your friends that were in our general vicinity at the bar. Since we can not be faulted for our efforts, we must analyze some of the limiting factors (shit you don’t understand) that have directly affected our friend banging frequency.

1.) Definitions – Boyfriend
It seems that you’re having a problem understanding the meaning of the word boyfriend, as in “No, William you can’t bang her, she has a boyfriend.” To some, the term “boyfriend” completely takes banging out of the picture, we’ll call this B1. To others, the term is used more loosely, as in, “Well my boyfriend isn’t here, what the hell, let’s bang.” we’ll call this B2. The problem is, that as a girl, you respect this term, whereas us guys simply don’t. I’m sorry, but it’s in our DNA. When we hear the term, we spend at least 10 minutes assessing the situation to see if we are dealing with a B1, in which case we will retreat to the bar for another shot before heading to the dance floor in search of wounded prey. If we are dealing with a B2, we will continue our attempts at banging. While this is definitely not the preferred scenario, it is one that we begrudgingly accept. In a perfect world, you would’ve already broken the girl up with her boyfriend before bringing her out so that we wouldn’t have to waste any time talking to her.

2.) Age
Age is just a number, Mary-Caldwell. For example, you seem to have a problem with the fact that your friend’s 19 year old sister, who is unbelievably bangin’ hot, is “only” 19. What you fail to understand is that these girls, while younger and more easily influenced by money and alcohol, are still over 18. It is scientifically proven that these girls will want to bang when they learn that we are “older” or “mature” and that we have “jobs”(well, at least Forrest does). Younger girls are easily impressed when we approach them with statements such as, “I’ll buy you a car if we can go bang now.” or “Yeah, had to work late, but we got the papers signed so I’m gettin’ a double bonus this quarter. Duuhhhh! Wanna bang?” You should have no problems helping us break up a 19 year old and her B1 boyfriend so she can come hang out with us (me) at Crowley’s. I seriously will buy her a car though.

3.) Inability to articulate our intentions
We realize that you may be “morally” opposed to friend banging. You’re thinking to yourself, “Why should I set my friends up with you guys if you’re just going to get blackout, not pay attention to them until 1:45am, and either take them home and never call them again or go home by yourself and then drunk dial them, along with every other girl in your phone, until 5:00am? My friends have class and deserve to be treated with respect.” I must admit that you do have one half of a valid argument. It is true that Forrest and I frequently get blackout and drunk dial girls until 5:00am, in the rare cases when we aren’t already banging someone else (separately) or having late night. However, your friends do not have class nor do they deserve to be treated with respect. We’re talking about girls here Mary-Caldwell, not celebrities. We don’t expect you to approach your friends and say, “Are ya’ll going out tonight? Because if so, I’ve got two guys that want to bang you, is that cool?” We know your friends want to hear that we “like” them and think they have “a great personality” and hope that we can “go out sometime for dinner”. We have no problem lying and telling them all of these things in between rounds of jager bombs while we’re at the bar. But in order for us to succeed, you’re gonna have to communicate our wants (banging your friends) to your friends in a way that makes them not feel like Gelwood South skanks. You as a seller must have some tools available to market us when talking to your friends, which is why I’ve created a very useful SWOT analysis. This will help you sell Forrest and I when making your presentations (notice “presentations” is plural, we expect you to present on our behalf at least once a week, just think of yourself as a high class pimp).

SWOT Analysis: Forrest F. Forrester III  

SWOT Analysis: WNF IV

You’ll notice that many of our strengths and weaknesses are identical. I don’t know if any of the professors you had in clothing design covered this, but I remember a professor saying something about making your weaknesses your strengths one time. I think he was talking about how to interview for a job, so I know I wasn’t paying attention, but I later heard Donald Trump say the same thing on The Apprentice, so it must be true. You’ll have to explain to your friends that our greatest weaknesses are, in fact, our greatest strengths. With this information laid out in a clear and concise format, you should have no trouble making your friends want to bang us (separately). Now that we’ve analyzed some of the main variables and market forces of the friend banging market, let us propose our plan.

Strategic Plan: Plain and simple, let us and help us bang your friends. You gotta lighten up and quit trying to set your friends up with “good guys” who will treat your friends with “respect” and not try to force feed them jager bombs in order to bang them. Sure yourfriends want guys with “potential”, but we don’t give a shit and neither should you. We have calculated the following projections for the remaining year based on your understanding of the friend banging market and your willingness to help us bang your friends, which should increase greatly after reading our proposal.

As you can see, things are only going to go up from here. If you have any questions, please let us know, as we are here to help you help ourselves. Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,

William Needham Finley IV
Forrest F. Forrester III

No, this isn’t 2 girls 1 cup, although this girl is definitely on the fast track to a similar career. Words can’t describe this, I’m actually speechless. You only have to watch the first minute (even though the remaining 3 minutes are equally as mind blowing) to see that this video displays everything that’s wrong with OTB and America in general. Why do we let these people continue to breed? I might have more to say once I come to terms with what I’ve just watched. But now I’ve got to get ready for Carolina Cup, a place where I can go to remind myself that I’ll never have to be exposed to trash like that again. Thanks to Mac G’s World for finding this train wreck.

If you’ve been keeping up with me on Twitter, many of you (including my bff Karl Rove) have, you’re aware of my passion for college basketball tournaments. I spent last weekend flying down to the ACC tournament each day, making sure I returned to Raleigh each night to go to Felson’s. Last Saturday at Felson’s was epic by the way, it was just like the old days. By 12:30am it was “one in one out” and there were only a few gel heads present. I didn’t mind that they were there because I could tell they were insecure about being outnumbered 20 to 1, having to spend their own money on drinks, and looking like total tools because girls refused to acknowledge them. I really feel like we are starting to take back the Felson’s, good work. The tournament was entertaining as usual, despite the fact that I had to fly first class with a bunch of potential terrorists sitting behind me because Dad said using the jet would make us “look bad” since we’re in a “recession”.  I don’t think that Dad appreciated the comments I made to ACC commissioner John Swofford when we were sitting in the VIP box with him, but someone needed to tell him that the ACC expansion (that actually began in 1991 with Florida State) was equivalent to letting poor kids run wild on a shopping spree through Cameron Village. The kids get all excited upon seeing the boutiques and high-end retailers but their hopes and dreams of owning necessary items such as a Gore-Tex mountain climbing jacket from Great Outdoor Provision Co. quickly crumble when they realize they can’t afford to spend $450 on a coat they will only wear to protect themselves from the vicious Raleigh weather. Back to the library kids, everything’s free there. I know that’s a stretch, but it makes sense. Florida State gets all the way to the title game, only to have one of the schools from the “Big Four” (UNC, NCSU, Duke, and Wake - for you retards who don’t know shit about basketball) destroy their hopes and dreams of winning an ACC tournament title.  Back to Florida kids, everything sucks there. I could tell from the look on his face that John (now on a first name basis) didn’t exactly follow my analogy, but that’s probably because I had been drinking heavily and was starting to slur my words at that point. Also, I don’t think that he was listening to me at all actually.

For those of you that didn’t get to attend the tournament, I’m sure you’ve noticed another sure sign that it’s March; yes, I’m talking about the dramatic increase in making decisions using NCAA tournament style brackets. Every single radio station, local news station, newspaper, and magazine comes up with something crazy for us fans to decide on each year using the bracket format.  I normally don’t care about utterly useless shit, but because it’s  been aggregated into an easy to understand bracket format I just can’t stop thinking about which rock band should advance to the Final Four in the ”March Bandness Tournament”  that’s being put on by some shitty radio station. I love following along with each and every one of these contests and I’m sure you’ll agree that deciding whether “Anchorman” would beat out “Balls of Fury” in the first round of this year’s “Best Comedy Movie Tournament” is just as entertaining as the actual basketball tournament itself. Having the local news analyze these completely worthless brackets, as if they were significant, really makes it so these redundant gimmicks never get old, year after year after year after year. I’m thinking about doing an ITB version, but I can’t think of a place or topic that hasn’t already established itself as the “Best of” whatever category it falls into. I’m open to suggestions.

While I love the fact that the NCAA tournament decides a winner by using brackets, I do have one major problem with the selection committee. They blow. I can’t believe they think that letting smaller shitty schools from conferences no one has ever heard of play in the tournament is a good idea. Does anyone really believe a 16 seed will ever beat a 1 seed? That’d be like me taking home a girl from outside the beltline after getting blackout. All the “analysts” call for expansion of the tournament field. I’m calling for the exclusion of all these shitty schools that have to spend the entire amount of money that their conference receives from them making the NCAA tournament just to travel to play in one game, lose, cry about it, then fly home. Thinking these commoner schools can compete against wealthier schools from real conferences is like telling me I’m gonna party just as hard from smoking Smarties instead of doing the coke I picked up from DT at the ACC tourney, it’s just not gonna happen. 

My NCAA bracket is still available for those that have $1,000 and want to enter. I don’t care that the first day’s games are over, just give me $1,000 next time I see you. This isn’t a Ponzi scheme and no, Bernie Madoff isn’t running the pool this year. I told him I’d run it for him since he’s busy having his bad ass lawyers get him out of trouble for all the ”terrible things” he did to ”thousands” of organizations and individuals.

Over the past few weeks, I haven’t been able to watch TV or look on the internet without someone talking about Twitter. Apparently, Twitter allows users to post  messages, that can be up to 140 characters long, called “tweets” (which I will refer to as “messages” so I don’t sound like a 14 year old girl). These “messages” can be viewed by people who are “following” the user that posts them. Many important people that I listen to, such as celebrities and cable news networks, have started to use Twitter as a way to let their fans and the general public “follow” what they’re doing at all times. I learned that it’s quickly gaining popularity, from Twitter’s website, “ The New York Times calls Twitter “one of the fastest-growing phenomena on the Internet.” TIME Magazine says, “Twitter is on its way to becoming the next killer app,” and Newsweek noted that “Suddenly, it seems as though all the world’s a-twitter.”"  After hearing about this rise in popularity, the socialite in me naturally said, “You’re important as shit, people want to know what you’re doing at all times, you should join Twitter.” Even though I still don’t understand what Twitter actually is, and even though it seems that Twitter was created by some commoner who can’t afford to let people send “messages” longer than 140 characters, this service might have some advantages. Sure I’ve got a Blackberry and an iPhone, which gives me constant access to the internet, e-mail, and text messaging, but without Twitter I’m not able to know what important people (celebrities and cable news networks) are doing every second of the day. There are a few other reasons that I decided to join.

1. I can update fellow ITBers with the latest important information regarding getting blackout and being exclusive.

2. If you aren’t poor and have a cell phone (Blackberry/iPhone) with a Twitter application, you can view my updates as soon as I post them and know what I’m doing at all times. It’s sort of like a mass text message, but better, although I’m still not sure why. Fox News has Twitter, so it must be important.

3.  Since Felson’s doesn’t have Twitter I’m going to have to take it upon myself to ensure that everyone is informed of what’s happening while I’m there. I’ll be able to let all of my followers know what the talent to gel head ratio is at Felson’s at all times. I think using this service will also help us take back the Felson’s, I just haven’t figured out how yet.

4. It’s all people are talking about right now and I have to be part of it before it gets too popular. Once it gets too popular, I can talk about how much it sucks because “there are just way too many people using Twitter now, it’s so lame”.

When you first sign up, you may not be sure of who you should “follow”. You’ll obviously want to follow me, even though I probably won’t follow you unless I can clearly see that you’re someone I would take bombs with at Felson’s. I’ll spend my time following important people like Shaq and Karl Rove. To help you get started, here’s a brief overview of who I’m following and why:

1. Fox News – After following Fox News for a day, I’ve noticed that they post “tweets” about every 2 minutes with critical news stories, such as “Idaho Teacher Sells Pizza Ads on Tests http://tinyurl.com/bobsmz” or “Octomom’s Clan to Receive Free 24-Hour Care, Gifts http://tinyurl.com/ck42cx“. I don’t know what I’d do if I weren’t updated with these kinds of stories as soon as possible. I also need to be in constant communication with Fox News if there’s another terrorist attack, since they’ll be the first to “tweet” about it. We all know I can’t wait around and expect CNN or MSNBC to alert me of a change in the terror level as soon as it happens. 

2. CNN – As much as I hate following them, I’ve got to make sure I’m aware of what these liberal Commies are “reporting” at all times. Fortunately, CNN’s “reporters” are too busy “reporting” on shit and as a result they don’t “tweet” nearly as much as Fox News.  CNN is so lazy that they’ve only put up one “tweet” in the last 24 hours. That’s right, 24 hours. Have they not seen the ridiculous amount of shit that people like Jack Bauer have to deal with over a mere 24 hour period?

3. MC Hammer – It’s MC Hammer, why wouldn’t I want to know what he’s doing at all times?

4. LeVar Burton – aka the guy from Reading Rainbow. I didn’t learn how to read until I was 9 years old. You’re probably thinking to yourself, “Nine years old? Are you fucking retarded?” No I’m not fucking retarded, I didn’t learn to read because I didn’t have to. My parents made LeVar Burton do it for me. It was the late 80s, between all the golf, tennis lessons, drugs, and museum galas that my parents had to attend do you really think they would waste their time teaching me how to read? No, they knew they could sit me down in front of the TV and make LeVar Burton do it for them. It’s called outsourcing, bitches. LeVar taught me a lot and the least I can do is keep track of his failing ”career” in showbusiness by “following” him on Twitter.  

5. Al Gore – I would rather spend a weekend in the shittiest part of Myrtle Beach than have to get updates from Al Gore, but I’ve got to keep an eye on this bastard and his whole “global warming” theory. I need to make sure I can counter his liberal propaganda using my immense knowledge of how this planet really works.

6. John McCain – No explanation needed. McCain uses Twitter even though he said during his campaign that he doesn’t even know how to use a computer or the internet. I guess he just makes an aide follow him around and send out messages for him, which is exactly why I like him.

7. Shaq – Because he’s Shaq.

8. P Diddy – Mo’ money, mo’ problems is one of the greatest rap songs of all time, which is reason enough to follow Diddy and put up with his constant “tweets” that have no meaning. Note: After following P Diddy for a day, I am positive think he might be legally retarded.

9. Karl Rove – Not only is Karl (we’re on a first name basis since he is now following me as well, that’s right Karl Rove is following my every move) a political mastermind, he’s also great at updating me with important information. When a person “follows” you and you “follow” that person, you are then allowed to send direct private messages to each other, something Karl and I will definitely start doing in the near future. I’m hoping he can help me get some stimulus money to finish building my wall around the beltline.

One interesting feature is that you can direct a message to someone by using “@”. So let’s say there’s a ton of talent at Blue Martini but you know they’re going to migrate to Felson’s soon, you can just let me know by sending something like “@WNFIV don’t come to Blue Martini, the cougars aren’t out tonight, we’re migrating to Felson’s asap” which will let me know to go straight to Felson’s instead of wasting my time at Blue Marshitty. I can also use this “@” feature to communicate with the important people I follow without having to get my people to contact their PR reps. I’ll be sure to keep you updated on any significant conversations I have with all of these famous people. So click on the box to the right and sign up for Twitter. If you still don’t understand how Twitter works, well, neither do I. But if I can use it to spread the message of how much better inside the beltline is than the rest of the world, then I’ll at least give it a shot.

I can’t stay silent any longer. I have to come forward to let everyone know that I’ve been violated. The last 12 times (or three weeks) that I’ve been to Felson’s I’ve been horrified by the sight of people that I don’t know. It’d be one thing to not recognize an ITB-esque visitor, someone from an area of equivalent superiority (NOT Charlotte) possibly from the rich parts of Atlanta, for example. I can live with that because if the visitor is dressed like I am then he’s got to be from a similar pedigree. However, the people that I’ve seen roaming around Felson’s recently are clearly gel heads and clearly poor. How do I know this? I present to you Exhibit A:

This picture does not do justice to how horrendously common this guy is. He had shitty graphics on both sides of his shirt, which is very rare. Most gel heads only have graphics on the front of their shirts. How do I know this? Unfortunately, I learned this in the confines of our own bar. I give you Exhibit B:

Still not convinced that these commoners have started to take over our bar? Please view Exhibit C:

As you can see, the bar is being overrun by this filth. It all started a few weeks ago in the parking lot. I flung my door open as I pulled into a parking spot only to hear the sound of my door hitting the side of a tricked out Honda Civic. Furious, I got out to check the damage and saw the whole side of the Civic was scratched and dented. I drunkenly checked my door and saw that there was no damage. Obviously, I locked my car and continued to the bar. Sorry for partying, but that’s what you get for driving a piece of shit car that I can’t see from my SUV. I noticed that the parking lot was full of these cars; it looked like the set of that Fast and the Furious movie that’s being re-re-made. Confused, I walked in the door and was greeted by some goofy white guy who I now refer to as “not Marcus” because, well, he isn’t Marcus and I refuse to learn the new guy’s name. As I walked to the bar, I was horrified to see Exhibit A standing at my regular spot waiting to be served. There were so many gel heads there that when I was trying to order my drinks I actually had to wait in line like a normal person. I felt so violated. As I stood there waiting I overheard the following conversation between three of these commoners:

Gel Head #1: “Yo dawg, you been here before?”
Gel Head #2: “Nah dude, this is my first nizight”
Gel Head #3: “First nizight! Damn, I come here all the time now. Let’s get some drinks and walk around so people don’t see us standing by ourselves not talking to girls”
Gel Head #1: “Aight, cool, let’s hit up dat dance flo’ so I can drop some roofies in some bitches’ drinks, fo’ real!”

First night? FIRST night? Not only is this gel head ruining my night at the bar, but now I hear I’m his first. UNbelievable. After hearing this exchange I almost had a panic attack. I turned to my friend Forrest and told him I couldn’t feel my face and that I must have been hallucinating from the drugs I’d just done. It was real similar to another famous breakdown, but nowhere near as intense.

 Forrest assured me that everything would be ok, this was just one night; there’s no way they would continue to show up and socially violate us. He was wrong, the next night was even worse, this time a few of the gel heads brought girls with them. Notice, I said a “few” of them brought girls with them. The majority of the gel heads would just show up and stand around looking retarded or spend the whole night on the dance floor grinding up on our girls before being shunned. To make things even worse, these new girls were really attractive. Since my friends and I have been passing around the same few girls for a few years now I thought it might be fun to try out some new ones. But apparently, these girls all had college educations, jobs, and self-esteem. What was I supposed to say to them? How the hell was I going to make them think I liked them for 20 minutes in order to take them home? They wanted to have real conversations about Obama and health care or some shit that I was easily confused by. One girl started talking about her job working for a non-profit group, which I didn’t understand. How the hell can she afford to be at Felson’s, or even inside the beltline, if she works for a non-profit? She started going on and on about how much she loved helping the less fortunate. This immediately let me know she didn’t belong there. The conversation ended abruptly when I told her that I don’t help charities because they don’t help themselves. It’s probably best that I didn’t go home with her, she was definitely the type of girl that would want to go on dates and be treated with respect, two things I don’t do.

I felt less and less secure each night as these commoners took over the bar. The first few times I just continued to get blackout to avoid dealing with feeling violated. It was somewhat successful, but the infestation continued the next weekend and getting blackout just wasn’t enough. I would still wake up the next afternoon and have to think about how these gel heads had been inside Felson’s, how they took kamikaze shots or jager bombs or whatever the fuck they take at my spot at the bar, and how they stalked the dance floor patiently waiting to roofie some drunk girl. This has to be stopped. If we don’t take back the Felson’s we’ll be forced to put up with these gel heads for who knows how long. What’s next, gel heads at late night or even worse at Harris Teeter? I don’t even want to pretend that that’s a possibility. There have been similar groups who have banded together to make their message stronger. I know for a fact that some people have taken back the night, so there’s no reason why we can’t take back the Felson’s. I’ve got a few ideas…

1. Bring back Marcus. – this is a priority. I actually blame the increase in gel heads on the fact that he isn’t at the door anymore. He was the closest thing we had to a gel detector and now he’s gone. Marcus would look a gel head up and down, let the girl in for free, then charge the gel head $5 and watch the couple leave in disgust because they couldn’t afford it. Now there’s just some goofy white dude that lets in whoever walks through the door. I don’t feel like as much of a bad ass when I walk past a dorky white dude while entering the bar. I miss the days when I could show off my street cred by giving Marcus a fist pound and a “What up” head tilt while walking into the bar to get shit faced.
2. Only accept credit cards that belong to the customer’s parents – I don’t even think gel heads know who their parents are so they definitely don’t have access to their parents’ credit cards. I don’t blame the parents, if my kid were a gel-head I’d disown him too.
3. Reinstate the $5 cover for anyone looking common and not wearing at least $500 worth of clothing – Designer jeans and graphic t-shirts don’t count, everyone knows those shirts come from the same sweatshop that supplies Wal-Mart with their t-shirts.

I discussed some other ideas with my fellow ITB roommates Drew and Stephen, who weren’t very supportive.

Me: We should make the bartenders only serve people wearing “Drinkstrong” bracelets. That would definitely keep the gel heads out.
Drew: “Drinkstrong?” What the fuck are you talking about?
Me: I’ve explained this to you a million times, remember how popular those “Livestrong” bracelets were when Lance Armstrong went on that summer tour? We just need to make a similar bracelet and only give it to the people that deserve to be at Felson’s.
Drew: Those bracelets were to raise money to cure a horrible disease, dumbass, and Lance Armstrong did not “go on tour”, he was a fucking cyclist competing in the Tour de France.
Me: But gel heads are like a disease….
Stephen: Still, that’s a horrible idea.
Me: Well, what if we got someone to stand in the parking lot and not let gel head cars in? Like that kamikaze guy who stood in front of those tanks that one time.
Drew: Do you actually listen to the words that come out of your mouth?
Me: No….

In a perfect world we’d have this guy out front every night standing in the way of tricked out Civics.

If they’re going to shoot down every idea I have then I’ll just have to take back the Felson’s myself. For those of you who feel the same way, who have been hiding in the booths afraid to admit there are commoners among us, drinking until you can’t remember they were there, for those that wanted to take a stand against this vicious social crime, it’s time. It’s time to come together and take back the Felson’s. We must stop this molestation of our bar. It’s time to stand up and stumble over to the gel heads the next time you see them and tell them “No. Not tonight. Not ever. No means NO.” I feel it’s my duty to spearhead this effort, so I vow to keep you all informed with more updates of the progress being made to rid us of this disease. We must take back the Felson’s.