Forrest called me a few days ago and said he thought it was absurd that non-AKC dogs were starting to show up at the same dog park he goes to. The other day while taking my yellow lab to the dog park to hit on girls, I began to investigate. So, “Who let the dogs out?” you ask. Turns out it was the Mexicans. That’s right, the Mexicans. Not only are they taking all of our jobs and not paying taxes (which is fine as long as you’re funneling money into an offshore account, but totally unacceptable to not pay taxes on the money that you send to your wife and 12 kids that still live in Mexico just so they can “survive”), but now they’re taking over our dog parks. By “taking over” I don’t mean that 30 Mexicans are showing up at the dog park in one truck while blaring their shitty music and playing “futbol” before getting drunk and driving home. I mean they now have the audacity to own their own dogs and bring them to public spaces to give them exercise. Arrogant bastards. The problem is that they can’t afford pure bred labs, golden retrievers, etc., so our AKC dogs are forced to take dumps (that I refuse to pick up) in the same place as these Mexican mutts.

These Mexicans have crossed a line (they’re good at that, and they didn’t even have to swim across it). As always, when there’s a problem that directly affects me, I come up with a solution. I’m planning on opening a dog park for AKC ITB dogs only on Oberlin Rd. right across the street from Oberlin Court. We’ll tear down those projects, it’s not my fault they didn’t inherit wealth and that their jobs are affected by the “criminal” banking activity that my uncles are participating in. We’ll cleanse the area of crack pipes and heroine needles and create a high class dog park. We’ll have employees on site to pick up after our dogs and also throw tennis balls and frisbees for them to fetch (I don’t touch anything that’s been in a dog’s mouth). We’ll probably need a nice juice bar and a Starbucks as well, since I’ll get thirsty after watching someone else exercise my dog for an hour. The park will be close enough to Cameron Village so that I can take my dog to Village Deli or the Draft House and be able to say, “Yeah, I was just at the dog park with Bear” (it’s common practice to name your dog after another, much tougher, animal), and I won’t look like one of those tools who just brings their dog to public places to get attention from girls. However, no one wants to fawn over a dog that isn’t a puppy. Since I always have at least one black or yellow lab puppy away at a ridiculously expensive training school for duck hunting, to make them ready for all those times that I duck hunt (twice in the last 9 years, but it’s worth it), I’ll need another dog that isn’t a black or yellow lab. You’re probably thinking, “Why don’t you just get another lab puppy and not teach it to hunt?” Yeah right, there’s nothing more embarrassing than getting caught in public with a lab puppy and being asked, “Why the hell isn’t that dog in training school for duck hunting? Your dog must be gay”. So that’s why I have to get a different breed that’s still AKC approved, very expensive, and must be of no practical use to us duck hunters. Sure, a lot of “designer” dogs fit these criteria, but an English Bulldog puppy is the only dog that I can walk around with and still appear heterosexual. But how do I make sure the dog is always a puppy? Two words; “puppy flipping”. I’ve found that there is a huge market for English Bulldog puppies on the internet. I can buy the puppies from an AKC breeder, keep them for a few months, then re-sell them online. It’s a lot like “flipping” a house, but instead of a house, you just use a puppy. I have no idea how to use eBay or Craigslist, so I’ll just get my IT guy to work out all the details. The main point is that I have a dog that gets me more attention than that Teva-wearing loser who brought his 3-year-old Boxer to the Draft House thinking he was gonna pick up girls all day.

I know you’re thinking, “Well, aside from this being the greatest dog related idea ever, how can we keep the Mexican mutts out of the park?” Easy. we’ll use what I call a “reverse electric fence”. It’s standard protocol for the wealthy to put an RFID chip, which will locate the dog if it’s ever lost, in their dog when they first get them. However, Mexicans can’t afford the RFID chip procedure, which is done by a veterinarian, since it isn’t covered under their normal health care plan(the emergency room). So the fence around the park will only allow dogs with RFID chips to enter. All the poor dogs will just be shocked, like a normal electric fence that we have at my house. Don’t worry, there’s no animal cruelty going on here, Michael Vick did not design the fence, nor did he help me come up with this genius idea. The dog park was originally part of my ITB Renovation plan, but it’s obvious that it needs to be built immediately. I’m gonna go talk to my lawyers to see if I can dip in to my 2nd trust fund even though I’m not 30-years-old yet. I’ll keep you updated.

As you all know, I use Twitter, a lot. If you aren’t on Twitter, you can still read what I have to say in the box on the right side of this page. The only problem with Twitter is that I can’t express my full opinion in such a short message. To overcome this problem, each Tuesday I will repost some of the topics that I feel need to be addressed in more detail.

1. Red Bull Eyed for Cocaine Content. http://tinyurl.com/qjummd This is probably why I love jager bombs.
2. At Five Guys waiting for my food. “How to make a cheeseburger in less than 15 minutes” clearly wasn’t a topic covered on the GED. FML (Also, the drink machines stopped working and the retard cashier didn’t understand what her co-workers meant when they told her to “Stop selling drinks”. She continued selling people drinks until the co-workers began to yell at her. Yelling always works. Some of you are probably thinking “Wait, Five Guys is outside the beltline, what the fuck are you doing?” I realize this, but as I’ve said before, North Hills is considered inside the beltline as long as you take Lassiter Mill Rd. to get there.)
3. Just bought this book, http://tinyurl.com/o54v4x. I’m always on the lookout for new business opportunities.
4. About to see if 5 Hour Energy cures a hangover. (It didn’t.)
5. @DatingTweet Thanks, but no thanks. I don’t need dating tips. ITBHarmony.com is just to make sure the overprivileged don’t date the poor
6. Might start an exclusive dating website for the overprivileged. Thinking about calling it “ITBHarmony.com”. Thoughts?
7. Thought the girl in the car next to me was hot, then I saw a baby in the backseat. Disgusting. Kids are the worst STD you can get.
8. Passer-By Pushes Man Contemplating Suicide Off Bridge http://tinyurl.com/ohba4m Hilarious
9. Mary Kay Letourneau Hosts ‘Hot for Teacher’ Night http://tinyurl.com/pr4prc I’d go to this, but Ms. Stevens is still doing her time in jail.
10. For those of you that don’t know, Ms. Stevens is the student teacher I hooked up with…….when I was in the 3rd grade.
11. RT @ashtonmae: RT @danbowens: When asked about a shooting near campus, an Enloe HS student just told me, “we’re used to it.” Classic
12. The Charlotte Bobcats are up on the selling block http://is.gd/Cmp6 (via @ghostlikeswayze) I’d buy them…. if they weren’t in Charlotte.
13. I just bought a new HD television for less than I spend at Felson’s on a normal night. Not sure if that’s a problem…….it’s probably not. (After thinking about this a bit more, I’ve decided it’s not a problem.)
14. Multiple-Choice Test to Help Predict Gang Involvement http://tinyurl.com/pnc89b Here’s my test: Are you poor? If yes, you’re gonna be in a gang.
15. WORLD: Student Who Sold Virginity May Pay Half in Taxes. http://tinyurl.com/p3cpsr Hilarious.
16. Figuring out what I have to say about this “Durham Socialite” blog. It definitely won’t be positive. More to come soon. The words “Durham” and “socialite” should never be used in the same sentence.
17. Hangover Recovery Kit http://tinyurl.com/rbua9y This’ll help all you lightweights. I never stop drinking long enough to get a hangover.
18. Nebraska Couple Lets Son, 8, Live Openly as Girl http://tinyurl.com/ofdh5e This is terrible, but still better than letting him be a gel head
19. The service in first class is so terrible, this trash isn’t going to throw itself away. http://twitpic.com/5dkkk
20. Best $24 I’ve ever spent. http://twitpic.com/5bwcz 
21. Stimulus Checks Sent To Dead People http://tinyurl.com/phb4ym Would being blackout Thurs. through Sunday count as “dead”? Where’s my check?
22. Happiness May Be Inherited. http://tinyurl.com/qvgj2z Of course it is. I’m going to be happy as shit when I cash in on my second trust fund. (I’ve almost run out of the first trust fund I got when I turned 21.)
23. Cocaine Found Floating in Air of Spanish Cities. http://tinyurl.com/qdzjs8 I’ll be booking my ticket this afternoon. Anyone else want to go?
24. Free Lipitor, Viagra, Other Drugs for Jobless http://tinyurl.com/pketdb I didn’t realize they’d be offering good drugs. Gonna make tons of $
25. Pfizer Offers Free Drugs To Unemployed http://tinyurl.com/p2ymbj Business plan: pay homeless guys to collect free drugs. Resell. I profit.
26. Just saw this in the parking lot of Harris Teeter at CamVillage. There are so many things wrong with this picture. http://twitpic.com/549xf
27. @vineyard_vines When I’m on a boat the only thing I care about harnessing is alcohol, drugs, and sorostitutes. Not fuckin around w/ sails. (This was in response to: vineyard_vines@WNFIV from the view of a sailor, it’s more than ropes, etc, rather the feeling/act of harnessing nature’s energy)
28. RT @TheOnion: Report: Majority Of Pay Phone Conversations Begin, End In Tears http://bit.ly/HOSOW Figures. Pay phones are for poor people.
29. http://bit.ly/DWakR another page from “Awkward Family Photos.com” I can’t believe these people exist in the real world. (via @ashtonmae)
30. Watching the premiere episode of “Jersey Shore Unleashed”. Is this really a TV show? Am I still drunk? This is so confusing. (This tv show is an abomination. I can’t believe they gave these gel heads their own reality show.)

You all know that I don’t read newspapers. If a news story doesn’t directly affect me, it doesn’t matter. However, I do read through the Real Estate section of The News and Observer looking for houses inside the beltline that are rented by commoners so I can buy them and tear them down. After tearing these houses down, I build mansions for more deserving residents (rich people). This is my way of personally cleaning up our commoner problem while giving back to the ITB community at the same time. It’s real change you can believe in. As I was browsing through the real estate section the other day, I came across this:

Treasonous.

UN-believable. I’m not letting The N&O get away with using the coveted ITB Oval Sticker logo without my permission. I wrote this letter and sent it to placeads@newsobserver.com, which I assume goes to the editors of the advertising section of the N&O.

Dear Place Ads,
We need to talk. I stopped reading your liberal rag when McClatchy Newspapers bought The News and Observer from the family of Josephus Daniels (a legendary ITB resident). Being unaffected by the so-called “economic crisis” that we may or may not be in, I still browse your Real Estate section, looking for shitty houses to buy and tear down. It was in this section that I found your “ITB vs. OTB” ad. First, let me commend you on trying to drive even more of a wedge between two groups of people based on which side of a 25.3 mile circle of pavement they live on. The only problem I have with this ad is that it’s not negative enough. It just says there’s a choice to be made between living ITB or OTB. The ad should be reminding the people who read the classified section that they actually don’t have a choice. The reason they’re reading the classifieds is because they don’t have jobs or they’re trying to buy a used 1997 Nissan Sentra to save money on gas because they’re so poor. Do you think people want to live outside the beltline? No one who could afford it would look at the two options and think “Well, these never ending strip malls are really appealing. The lack of a country club (North Ridge doesn’t count) and a Cameron Village doesn’t bother me at all. I don’t mind not having trees and it would be great for our kids to attend a high school that doesn’t have a belltower. Let’s live OTB!” While it is nice to see that your’re promoting a culture war, I demand to be compensated for the use of my patent pending design. I would ask for a percentage of your advertising revenues, but I’m pretty sure your paper doesn’t make a profit. You didn’t even put a link to my site, http://www.itbinsider.com, so that ITB residents could find out where to obtain these signs of wealth and exclusivity. However, you did come up with the idea to create an OTB sticker, which is something I should have thought of before. We must make the more civilized OTB residents use these stickers so we can tell their brand new Suburbans apart from ours. I would hate to accidentally have a conversation with one of these people after being fooled into thinking they were an ITB resident because they have a new SUV. This is one of my main problems with North Raleigh; they’re so deceiving, with their white collar jobs at Cisco or SAS, their nuclear families, and the fact that they can afford season tickets to sporting events (especially the Hurricanes games, North Raleighites love that shit). They can easily pass as someone who lives inside the beltline, which is a huge problem that I’ve yet to solve.

Normally, I would have my parents sue you, but I think we can work out an arrangement. In exchange for the use of my design, the following sections of your newspaper must be removed, even though they’ve already been cut down significantly due to your immense staff reductions and because the newspaper industry is going out of business.
To be removed:

North Raleigh News Section – I don’t actually get this section in my paper, for obvious reasons. But I find it suspicious that you are providing people in North Raleigh with additional “news” items. For all I know, you could be using this section to plot an invasion into Cameron Village or worse, adding more bars to Gelwood South.
Editorial Page – Other people’s incorrect opinions don’t matter to me. This section just makes the losers who take the time to write to the paper feel like they have a “voice.”
Book reviews – I don’t read books. A book is worthless, unless they make a movie about it. I don’t need you to write about some loser author who thinks “writing” is a career. These hipster “authors” can stick to their shitty coffee shops while I watch Angels & Demons this weekend (it must be good if they made a movie about it).
Dining – You can keep this section, however, the restaurant critic will only be allowed to review The Angus Barn*, Sullivan’s, Café Luna, 2nd Empire, and Felson’s over and over and over again.
Religion – Other religions? No, there will just be a calendar of upcoming events and weddings that will take place at White Memorial.
Travel – I hate learning about new places. You’re always talking about “traveling on a budget”, which I don’t understand because I don’t know what the word “budget” means.
What’s Up – I’ve always thought this section should be called, “What’s Free?” This section gives commoners a list of things in the area that they can do to “entertain” themselves. Most of the time they promote some shitty outdoor concert at the Art Museum, which means people will inevitably show up with organic blankets and picnic baskets filled with hummus and other hippie food and spend “quality time” with their families. Pathetic.
Barry Saunders – This guy needs to get a job at the Durham Herald since he only writes about the Duke Lacrosse case. Also, all of his articles suck. I actually hope he reads this and writes a retarded piece about how “ignorant” I am. I repeat, I hope he reads this and writes a retarded piece about how “ignorant” I am.

These changes may cause OTB residents to stop reading your paper, but that’s assuming they can read in the first place and also that anyone actually reads The News and Observer anymore. Don’t worry, the ITB crowd would make up for your losses by paying a premium in return for an ITB-centric paper. We need a high school sports section that only focuses on Broughton and more investigative reporting into why the beltline still lacks a complete 100 foot high wall around it. You guys did do a good job of covering the BHS parking lot fiasco, putting countless stories in the paper last Fall. I’m glad you chose to disregard “real” news to focus on such an important issue.

Getting rid of all of these things now will at least make it look like it was your choice, instead of in 3 months when you’re forced to cut another 30% of your staff because of this economic “crisis” we are in, coupled with the fact that newspapers will be dead within the next five years. I hope you’ll take the time (you will) to listen to my suggestions. It’s probably the only way you’ll be able to survive.

Sincerely,

William Needham Finley IV

So that’s basically all I sent them. Hopefully, I can make some money off the lawsuit, or maybe I’ll be able to take over their paper and make the changes that I’ve demanded in my letter. Either way, I’m getting what I want.

*The Angus Barn is ridiculously expensive, making it an ITB island in a sea of OTB restaurants with C sanitation grades. It will always be considered ITB, although, I’m thinking about buying it and moving it somewhere closer.

As you all know, I normally don’t help charities because they don’t help themselves. My Dad gives away tons of money to his tax shelters every year, but that’s a different story. Now, I do have a few exceptions, one of which is Mardi Brah, taking place this Saturday, May 9th at The Alley, formerly known as Western Lanes. If this was a charity for some poor 5th world country I’d skip it and go straight to Felson’s, but the proceeds go to The V Foundation for Cancer Research, a legitimate and worthwhile cause, so there’s no reason not to go. Tickets are $15, which means there won’t be any gel heads in attendance since they can’t afford covers that are more than $5. They’ve got a solid list of sponsors and I obviously support anything that is sponsored by Crowley’s and Felson’s, so I’ll be there getting blackout at 9:00pm sharp. Here’s more information about the event:

“After weeks of anticipation, the First Annual Mardi Brah is upon us. This Saturday, May 9th, the Brahs will be getting nice in the name of fighting cancer. The festivities kick of at 9:00 p.m. at The Alley, formerly known as Western Lanes. We are giving away some great prizes, headlined by two tickets to sold out Phish in Asheville. Also up for grabs is a Nintendo DS, a Tim Clark and Carl Pettersson signed Masters Hat, Brahsome gear, pizza for a year and dinner for two at The Point and gift cards to Crowley’s Old Time Favorites, Cloos Coney Island, Foster’s and Jibarra. Tickets are $15 for all you can bowl and $10 just to party. Everyone is eligible for prizes and all proceeds are going to the V Foundation For Cancer Research. If you can’t make it, tickets for the prize giveaway can be purchased through mardibrah.com.”

I’ve had it with Greg Fischel (the weatherman at WRAL 5).  If you’re reading this Greg (I know you are), what the hell is wrong with you? Why can’t you tell me about a goddamned tornado in Raleigh until 10 minutes after it’s already touched down? I never pay attention to you because you’re a weatherman, and weathermen are completely insignificant, but I’m driving home right now through this damn tornado, listening to your dumbass on satellite radio say, “Umm, well here it is, oh wait no…..uh…here it is now, uh….well…just stay inside…” Jackass. What’s the point of having you around, when I can get an application on my phone that shows me all those maps you look at all the time? Sure, I can’t read them and don’t understand them at all, but it’s obvious that you can’t read them and don’t understand them either. There’s no reason you should have a job at all. Not only did you almost kill me today, but last week you nearly ruined my entire weekend when you said it would rain Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. I actually almost cancelled a party at my house on Saturday night because I thought there would be bad weather. Don’t worry, I refuse to let weather affect the amount of fun I have. I planned to go through with partyin’ regardless of your ”predictions”, but the point is, you made me have to stop and think about my actions, which is something I hate doing. 

Even with all of your maps, computers, the internet, and your 5,000 dopplers, you’re never right. Whenever we have snow, you  never predict it. When we don’t have snow, you predict three feet of it, which totally fucks everything up. Every single time you say, “Oh it’s gonna snow 18-24 inches…” and I go buy beer and liquor and prepare for a snow day party, I wake up the next morning and there’s half an inch of snow on the ground and Forrest and I have to sit at my house and drink by ourselves because all of our friends have to go to work instead of getting blackout with us. And then when there is snow, I’m not prepared and I end up having to drive through the snow in my SUV hungover because I was drinking the previous night under the impression that I could sleep all day like normal, since we weren’t getting any snow. Could you be any more of a buzzkill? Jesus Christ is there a way that we can get this guy fired? My Dad says that I’ve got to stop asking him for things like this but I’m still going to ask him anyway. When’s the last time you actually did something that was good? I don’t even want to discuss the time back in 2005 when the entire city of Raleigh came to a halt because of half an inch of snow that you failed to tell us about.

Don’t think I’ve forgotten about Hurricane Fran, when you made me lose power for two freakin’ hours. It was 1996 and I’m pretty sure I was in the middle of playing Goldeneye on my Nintendo 64 when everything went to shit and we lost power. Once my Dad had gotten gas for our generator, I sat in my air conditioned play room  and watched the neighbors help each other clean the debris from their yards. I was ashamed that they were resorting to this communist behavior. I personally didn’t feel like a communist, since we had a generator and didn’t have to help anyone else, but I still couldn’t stand the fact that other people were forced to help their neighbors and get to know each other since they went days without power, clean water,  and telephones and didn’t have normal distractions such as television and the internet to occupy their time. Just because my family had power back in two hours doesn’t take away from the fact that I had to wait until 1:00 pm to take a shower that day. Could you be more of an inconvenience Greg? You’re probably thinking, “Well, that was only one storm, you can’t blame me for the weather.” Yes, I can. I can’t count the number of football games I’ve tried to tailgate at after hearing your dumbass on the radio saying, “Oh, it’s going to be in the 70s and sunny today…” only to get out to the stadium in the middle of a fuckin’ thunderstorm with nothing but my Polo and Rainbows on. Or you’ll say it’s going to thunderstorm, so I show up at the game with  my gore-tex jacket, duck boots, and gore-tex pants (that I have absolutely no real use for) and then it ends up being 87 degrees and sunny and I just end up looking like a jackass standing out there in all my gear like I’m about to climb Mount fuckin’ Everest. You’ve made me look stupid for the last time, Greg. I found a template normally used for severe weather warnings and have made one for your current situation.

THE NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE IN Inside the Beltline HAS ISSUED A
* CAREER ENDING WARNING FOR…
  GREG FISCHEL…
* UNTIL 5:15 PM EDT
* AT 4:19 PM EDT…NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE DOPPLER RADAR INDICATED A SEVERE CAREER ENDING MISTAKE CAPABLE OF PRODUCING UNEMPLOYMENT 2 MILES WEST OF CAMERON VILLAGE…MOVING EAST AT 40 MPH.
*IF YOU ARE CAUGHT ON CAMERA NOT INFORMING ME OF THE CORRECT WEATHER CONDITIONS…SEEK SHELTER IN A NEARBY JOB SEARCHING WEBSITE. AS A LAST RESORT…SEEK SHELTER UNDER YOUR DESK AND COVER YOUR HEAD WITH YOUR HANDS.
*THE SAFEST PLACE TO BE DURING A CAREER ENDING WEATHERMAN REPORT IS AWAY FROM ANY CAMERAS OR RECORDING EQUIPMENT. IF NO AREAS ARE SAFE FROM CAMERAS OR RECORDING EQUIPMENT..SEEK SHELTER ON THE LOWEST FLOOR OF THE BUILDING IN AN INTERIOR HALLWAY OR ROOM SUCH AS A CLOSET. USE BLANKETS OR PILLOWS TO COVER YOUR BODY AND GET USED TO THESE BEING YOUR ONLY POSESSIONS ONCE YOU’VE BEEN TERMINATED FROM YOUR JOB AND ARE LIVING ON THE STREETS.