The new iPhone 3Gs came out last Friday, and of course I had to have it immediately. I would have pre-ordered the phone, but you can never count on the mail to arrive on time, and I loathe the post office. Since pre-ordering was out of the question, I knew that I was going to have to pick up this new status symbol from the AT&T or Apple store if I wanted to be able to show it off at the bar on the first weekend it had been released.

On Saturday afternoon, I left my house for the AT&T Store at North Hills, driving on Lassiter Mill of course. I walked in to an almost empty store and figured I had just picked a perfect time of day to go. I asked the guy behind the counter for myPhone and he told me they didn’t have any. Confused, I asked, “What? You’re already sold out?”
“No we don’t sell them here, you can reserve it here if you’d like,” he clarified.
I wasn’t really following this guy. Why did they not want to take the $299 (plus tax) that I wanted to give them?
I continued, “So I’m trying to give you over $300 right now, and you’re saying I can’t get what I want?”
“That’s right. I’m sorry sir, but you can reserve it and we’ll have it here for you within the next 10 business days,” he replied. This guy must have aced the one business class he took in community college.
“Uhh, well that’s not gonna cut it. I’m going out tonight and I’m not gonna be seen carrying around this piece of shit,” I replied, holding up my old iPhone.
“I’m sorry sir, you can try the Apple store if you’d like to get one today.”

I left the AT&T store in a mild outrage and drove to the Apple store in Crabtree Valley mall. As I approached the store, I saw that a line had been formed outside. I don’t wait in lines, so I walked up to the unattractive thing (woman) whose size literally allowed her to block the entrance to the store. I tried telling her who I was, but she just looked confused and told me to get in line. Bullshit. She’s clearly not from around here as evidenced by the fact that it was 7:00pm on a Saturday and she was working the door of an Apple store. This was probably the most attention this woman had ever gotten. I’m sure more guys came up to talk to her during the 30 minutes I was in line than in the past 5 years she’s spent online dating.

While standing in line, I couldn’t decide what was worse, the people that I was forced to stand in line with or the people that walked to the door to ask if this was the fucking line for the iPhone. No, we’re just standing here for the hell of it, get to the back of the line, jackass. A passerby asked the loser in front of me, “Is this the line for the iPhone?” to which the loser replied, “Yeah, it’s either that or a car payment, haha.” I was confused at first, then I realized that he was attempting to be humorous by equating the price of an iPhone with the amount one would pay for a car payment, which most people (commoners) would consider to be a large amount of money. However, the iPhone is only $299, so not only must this guy drive a shitty car, but his joke sucked as well. I thought listening to Dane Cook in front of me was annoying, until I heard a lady in her 60’s start dropping knowledge bombs on the people around her. “You know AT&T is the only carrier of the iPhone and a lot of people don’t think that’s fair. So people on Verizon can’t get the iPhone,” she stated. Thanks for the newsflash Katie Couric, none of the other nerds here knew that. This woman was about as informative as a journalist in Tehran. I was about to lose it on these commoners, when I was finally let into the store. I was met by your typical basement dwelling computer nerd, I know it’s a played out stereotype, but it never fails. His name was Gabriel, I’m serious. “What can I help you with? If you have any questions let me know,” he said. I had one question and proceeded to ask, “How much memory do the videos take up? I plan on blacking out every weekend and using the video camera to find out what I did the night before.” Gabriel stared blankly back at me, turned to the laptop on the table, and typed the question into Google. Seriously? For a dude named after a biblical figure that foretold a bunch of holy shit, Gabriel couldn’t answer my one simple question. He wasted some time looking for the answer before I told him to forget about it and give me myPhone. He went to the back and got the phone, along with that stupid hand held check out device. He stopped and said, “Ok, do you have any other questions?”
“Of course I don’t have any other questions, asshole; you couldn’t even answer my first one. Hurry and ring this shit up, I’m gonna be late for pre-gaming. Wait, what am I supposed to do with my old one?”
“You could use it as an iPod Touch,” he suggested.
“But, I already have one of those.”
“Well, you could sell it or give it to someone else,” he replied.
“Too much work, I’ll just throw it away,” I said.

I could tell from the horrified look on Gabriel’s face that this last statement had struck a nerve. The expression on his face seemed to say “God forbid anyone throw away an Apple product!! I can’t do anything to stop him. What would Steve Jobs do in this situation?” He nervously finished the transaction, trembling from the thought of someone throwing away an iPhone. I turned to walk out of the store and, as I tossed my old iPhone in the nearest trash can, saw Gabriel in the reflection of the glass storefront window with a single tear streaming down his face.

One dangerous feature of myPhone is that I can record videos and post them on YouTube immediately from myPhone. This is probably going to get me in a lot of trouble when I’m blackout and I post something incriminating. Another new feature is voice control, which allows you to play songs or call contacts by using your voice. However, this feature needs a bit of work. I was trying to call some girl for late night using voice control, but instead of calling her, myPhone just started playing songs by Bruce Hornsby. The only problem I have with the new model is that it doesn’t look any different than the previous version. How the hell are people going to know that I have the newest and most expensive model? Since myPhone does have a video camera, I guess I could just walk around taking videos constantly and then watching them immediately in front of other people so they could tell that I have the newest model. Overall, I’m satisfied with the purchase. I’ll be able to post a lot more videos of things that outrage me, as well as showcase a first person perspective of my destructive lifestyle. It’ll be a lot like that show “The Real World”, except I won’t be forced to live with strangers or have a job.

Only a few more weeks until Entourage returns for a sixth season on July 12. After last season, I wrote about how great it is that I can watch the same episodes over and over each season. Apparently, these guys agree. Thanks to Blog of Hilarity for the link.

For those of you that missed these, here’s a reposting of a few interesting topics;

1. RT @NewRaleigh: Raleigh, Top 5 Sober Cities: http://bit.ly/11CuVq This list is wrong, and I have the bar tabs to prove it. 7 minutes ago Whoever came up with this list probably just went to one of those hipster bars where no one gets drunk because they’re too busy perusing the drink list, looking for a good “pint” that they’ve never tried. Hipsters waste too much time “enjoying the taste” of their beer, which I don’t understand since I drink too fast to tell how many times “hops” have been added to my beer. Also, the tight sleeves of those child-sized hoodies worn by hipsters restricts the range of motion in their arms, which slows down their drinking and prevents them from getting blackout. My Classic Polo shirt allows me a full range of motion so that I can take shots much more quickly. The skin tight jeans normally worn by hipsters make it almost impossible for them to walk, thus preventing them from being able to take multiple trips to the bar to get more drinks. We should hold a charity clothing drive to get these fucking hipsters some clothes that actually fit, but then I guess they wouldn’t be fucking hipsters now would they? It seems that getting blackout isn’t so much about where you drink as it is the clothes that you wear while you drink.

The other day, as I was trying to get rid of a raging hangover, I began to watch “Poison: Behind the Music” on one of the zillion cable channels I get. Their story seemed so familiar, almost as if I had experienced it myself.

All of the sudden, it hit me. Just as Poison rose to prominence, faded away due to drug addiction, and pathetically tried to make a comeback attempt, Felson’s has had an eerily similar experience as a bar in Raleigh. Through it’s 15 years of jager bombs, fame, fortune, deceit, and success the bar has remained home to the overprivileged; a place where everyone knows your double name as well as the roman numerals at the end of your name, where you can get blackout and make an ass out of yourself by losing a fight in the parking lot without being embarrassed about it because no one there was sober enough to remember what happened the next day. It’s been fifteen years, it’s time to take a look at the rise, fall, and halfway rise again of one of Raleigh’s most loved, and hated, bars. This is Felson’s: Behind the Bar.

In the mid 1990s a bar came on to the scene and sold tons of alcohol to 20 somethings who wanted a place to get blackout that was a step up from Crowley’s. This new bar quickly became a bastion for the overprivileged who wanted to ensure that they would be surrounded by mirror images of themselves as they got destroyed every weekend.  Almost overnight the founders of the bar were strutting their stuff in Cameron Village with their high drink prices, outdoor events, and shameless self promotion. Leading the pack was the bar manager, who, “knew what he wanted, how he wanted it, and how underage he wanted them,” said a coworker who lasted with the bar from 1994-1998 before succumbing to the tragedy of having to get a real job. The bar manager never got that kind of attention back at home, growing up in typically suburban surroundings. At the age of 7, he was diagnosed with being a huge douche, which set him apart from other kids his age. Doctors told his parents that their son would probably be disliked for the rest of his life. He learned how to manage his doucheness, and in doing so, discovered his real interest was selling drugs to underage overprivileged kids. In the early 1990s, at age 30, he finally hit the big time and signed on as the bar manager of a small establishment that would change his life forever. “They didn’t want me because I was cool or because I could get people to come to the bar. They wanted me because I was a tool and they could walk all over me,” he has stated in interviews.

While the bar’s popularity grew during the ’90s, the fame wasn’t enough, they wanted more. The group decided to take some time off to figure out how to become even better. The bar was closed for what seemed like years (it was years). During these renovations, the bar found a home in a glorified hallway at Five Points. While this was a bit cramped, it didn’t matter; the bar’s patrons just got more blackout and did more drugs to compensate for the decrease in square footage.

Finally in 2005, millions of dollars in renovations later, they regrouped, changed names, and came back with a bang. The renewed bar exploded onto Cameron Village, selling millions of jager bombs, Bud Lights, and Miller Lites to the adoring socialites who could finally “take a lap” around the bar without just walking back and forth in a straight line, as they were previously forced to in the Five Points location. The bar aggressively hustled their way into the top spot, having only to compete with the Village Draft House. The bar hit its peak in popularity with the help of a young bar promoter from a local University who did everything he could to generate buzz about the bar. “Our image was the only thing we had that showed people that we were a different kind of bar. There were girls everywhere, on the dance floor, downstairs, upstairs, the bathrooms, the kitchen,” one employee stated. He did such a good job of making it a perfect place to get blackout, that some (I) went there for 4 months without even realizing it was a restaurant. The hiring of ex-NCSU basketball and football players to be “bouncers” was a welcome addition, as it made the bar appear to be very exclusive. Everything was great, until the gel heads came along and started showing up like they actually had a right to enter the bar. The bar started to charge a cover to keep these heathens out, but some suspected that things weren’t going well in other areas. Noted one observer, “I’m not saying there were financial troubles, I just find it interesting that they don’t make any money and still remain open.” Speculation mounted when the bar’s kitchen was “accidentally flooded” by the tenant in the building above. No one knew if the bar would make it through these troubled times. They had some issues with an ITB resident (me) who wrote a blog post voicing his concerns about the stability of the bar, but those issues were ironed out when they realized his (my) bar tabs were high enough to pay their mortgage. However, this wasn’t enough. The bar closed, sending hundreds into a depression. Some (me) spent countless nights locked in their rooms playing a playlist over and over of all the standard songs that were played at the bar (Murder on the Dance Floor, anything by T.I., Justin Timberlake, Soulja Boy, etc.), along with their (my) personal addition of “Closing Time” by Semisonic just to ease the pain. It didn’t work. The elite were forced to try new bars, some of which were actually solo projects done by a few of the original bar’s founders. These establishments never saw the same success as the original.

After some serious soul searching, the founding members came together to put aside the differences that drove them apart. The second time around they banded together for a common goal. “This time around it’s a whole different ballgame. We’re in it to prove all the doubters (their creditors) wrong. We can do this. We still got it,” said one of the longtime bartenders. The bar reopened a few months later and the party played on until the good times got ugly, really ugly, meaning a new wave of gel heads arrived. The same socialite blogger (me) took it upon himself to “Take Back the Felson’s” and with the help of his friends (Forrest) they drove the gel heads back to Gelwood South. For now… Felson’s is once again a safe haven for those who value a place to get blackout where they can have the same interactions with the same people weekend after weekend after weekend.

Through the years Felson’s has managed to create the same atmosphere that their bar patrons long for while sitting at work on Monday morning after having just spent the last three days there on a drug/alcohol binge. Felson’s has come back to life more times than Bret Michael’s career.

Tonight all are encouraged to attend a party to celebrate the 15 years that Felson’s has spent serving the overprivileged. Headlining this celebration is a band called “Old Habits”, which is fitting, even though the word “habit” would be an immense understatement in describing my propensity to attend Felson’s three nights a week, fifty-two weeks a year. It would be more appropriate if they were named “Old Obsessions”. Being able to reinvent itself for 15 years, based on the theory of “survival of the drunkest”, Felson’s has proven that they are here to stay. Come out tonight at 7:00pm to enjoy the band and honor the legendary entity that is Felson’s.

1. Murder Suspect Forgets Phone at Scene, Calls Himself http://tinyurl.com/q7gc69 Genius. about 4 hours ago

2. Chile Police Discover Suitcases Made of Cocaine http://tinyurl.com/p9gl8t I used to have cocaine suitcases. Key words “used to”…. SFP about 5 hours ago

3. Wake County reports first swine flu case http://twurl.nl/22mrnt I need to know who this is so I can pay her to cough on gel heads downtown. about 14 hours ago If I can get this woman to spread the swine flu downtown, the Trailwood of Tears apartments will become just like that small town in the movie Outbreak.

4. “Could be going to the Playboy Mansion for free! enter here http://bit.ly/jDV6C ” – I didn’t write that last tweet. I don’t do “free”. about 23 hours ago While attending a party at the Playboy Mansion is one of my top 3 goals in life, I don’t enter lame Internet contests. I expect to be personally invited by Hef himself. It’ll happen.

5. ‘Survivor’ Contestant Dies While Filming Episode http://tinyurl.com/mvzzwj He wasn’t voted off, so is he technically still on the show? 11:53 AM Jun 1st

6. RT @smfletch: @WNFIV There’s definitely ‘the ITB’ on the menu at Cameron Bar & Grill for brunch. Legit. 10:19 AM Jun 1st

7. @KimKardashian Terrible. Don’t waste your time. You and Reggie would have more fun getting blackout at Felson’s this weekend. 9:55 PM May 31st  in reply to KimKardashian Yeah, we’re friends. It’s only a matter of time until they come to Felson’s. It’ll be just like the time when ex-NFL wide receiver Michael Irvin showed up and only stayed for 15 minutes because he was so annoyed that Forrest kept asking him, “Hey man, you’re awesome! You wanna take a shot? Come on, let’s take a shot. You wanna take a shot?” over and over again. His bodyguards eventually ushered him out through the backdoor.

8. Italy’s Premier to Offer Cruises to Quake Victims http://tinyurl.com/nns2kk They lose their house and get a free cruise? Sounds like welfare 4:53 PM May 29th – What’s next? Trips to Disney World for all the people who lost their jobs? Free tickets to Six Flags for Katrina Victims? Come on.  

9. RT @NewRaleigh: Trader Joe’s starts Construction ITB http://bit.ly/sxpr1. Will it be any less terrible now that it’s ITB? Probably not. 2:09 PM May 29th

10. @NorthHills I’m working on getting the beltline re-routed to include you. However, there are some issues that need to be addressed first. 2:51 PM May 28th in reply to NorthHills

11. Thief Riddled With Guilt Returns $10,000 in Cash. http://tinyurl.com/krzy2g Idiot. I don’t know the meaning of the word “guilt”. 1:30 PM May 28th 

12. #3wordsaftersex – I’ll call you…….. 11:28 PM May 27th 

13. #3wordsaftersex – your cab’s here 10:21 PM May 27th

14. #3breakupwords – sorry for partyin’, #3wordsaftersex – what’s “the pill”?, #3wordsaftersex – I’m not paying 10:21 PM May 27th

15. The Canes are out of the playoffs. What bandwagon am I supposed to jump on now? 4:01 PM May 27th  I found a solution. I DVR’d the Canes games and me and Forrest just rewatch them every few days. This is great for us, since we already enjoy reliving the same things over and over again. Plus, the 3rd period is always intense because we’re never sober enough to actually remember who won the game. 

16. Nebraska Cigarette Thief Wore Beer Carton On Head as Disguise. http://tinyurl.com/p76ox6  5:49 PM May 26th

17. RT @TheOnion: Opinion: You Should Come Out To The Country House This Weekend And Envy My Family’s Extreme Wealth http://bit.ly/yNQcP  1:22 PM May 26th – “You can pretend to take it easy while actually riddled with debilitating social anxiety. And once you arrive, you’ll be greeted by our household staff, who can provide you with everything you’ll need to be seized by a deep and abiding sense of socioeconomic guilt that can only come from having a 50-year-old man bring you iced tea.”

18. Anyone else think 5 Hour Energy is bullshit? I’m trying to get a class action lawsuit together. Let me know if you’re interested.  11:04 AM May 26th