I want to calm everyone’s fears regarding this Exxon explosion incident, since we all know that fires have always been a hot topic inside the beltline. The Friday before last, Forrest alerted me of a possible terrorist attack near Broughton.
I get all of my breaking news from Forrest, Twitter, Facebook, and Fox News.
Apparently, a luxury SUV crashed into another vehicle and a gas pump at the Exxon across the street from Broughton. The crash caused a huge explosion, which led to Broughton being evacuated, just like the time we were randomly told to “sign yearbooks” on the football field at the end of our Freshman year because of a bomb threat. Broughton students alerted everyone of the possible terrorist attack by bravely Tweeting about the incident on their much needed smartphones. Here’s the full story.
At first, I assumed someone from outside the beltline was trying to put a jihad on Broughton. I thought it might be some jealous bastard from Myers Park. Then I remembered that there are a lot of Muslim owned businesses near Broughton (Subway, Sahara Hookah Café, Sahara Mediterranean) and assumed they had finally activated their terror cell. Fortunately, the local news was all over this, since it dealt with Broughton. The news reports said that all Muslim owned businesses in the Raleigh area were questioned and cleared of any involvement.
My next thought was that an ITB mother, infuriated that her child had been reassigned to another school, attempted this attack. However, the news reported that all Suburban-driving ITB mothers in the area, who were drunk off of lunch martinis, were released into their maid’s custody after being cleared of any wrongdoing. Lastly, I assumed it might have just been a commoner, upset about the “rising gas prices” that everyone is bitching about lately. I was sure that some mouthbreather thought that if they knocked over a gas pump, they could scurry around the parking lot collecting the free gas in buckets, like poor moths to a huge fiery flame.
Police discovered a St. Mary’s oval sticker on the back of the luxury SUV, which is suspicious, because no girl from St. Mary’s has ever actually pumped their own gas. This confirmed my belief that, jihad or not, this was still a premeditated attack on inside the beltline. Was she upset that her parents didn’t let her go to Broughton? Was she related to one of the country club hills arsonists? I needed to know her motive so that I could approve of the appropriate punishment. Waterboarding was at the top of the list.
One thing is certain, she couldn’t have done it because she was upset about these “rising gas prices”. She probably doesn’t even know that gas costs money. I didn’t know that gas costs money until I was 19 years old. I just thought I was supposed to swipe the Exxon card that my parents gave me and then fill up my SUV, that they also gave me. I didn’t know we were actually paying for anything. I only realized it was worth money when I perfected the classic inside the beltline scam of buying beer at gas stations in order to pay people back for things because I had already blown through my monthly allowance. My parents eventually caught on when they saw that I spent $1,432.76 on “gas” in one month.
Police eventually determined that she was behind the wheel of her (parents’) SUV, when something hanging from her rearview mirror became tangled in the steering wheel, causing the car to turn into the Exxon and crash into the gas pump. I’m still a little suspicious because police haven’t figured out why she was unable to use the brake, which was located to the left of the gas pedal, as it is in every vehicle ever made.
The silver lining in all of this is that she probably caused the price of already “expensive” Exxon gas to go up. Hopefully, the explosion wasted enough gas that the price shoots up to $10 a gallon. I don’t want to be too hard on this girl. It’s not like she intentionally had a party in the Exxon parking lot and threw a cigarette in the fire place, causing the entire place to burn down, forcing the owners to move to Dallas. But we need to make sure a disaster of this magnitude never happens again…..near Broughton. I couldn’t care less if people start careening into gas pumps outside the beltline, causing huge fireball explosions. That’ll just bring the price of gas up even more.
On Monday, I joined the Broughton students that gathered on the front lawn (parking lot) to commemorate this near tragedy by holding a candlelight vigil that was organized by the over protective ITB mothers. Some students were overheard singing what appeared to be Billy Joel’s, “We Didn’t Start the Fire”.
Clearly still shaken by the events, I heard one student say, “This was almost our Columbine.” This was followed by his mother, who commented, “This was almost our Egypt,” as she filled another glass of lemonade and handed it to me. Her son asked, “What’s an egypt?” To which she replied, “It’s a place where you’ll never go, full of people that don’t matter. Don’t worry, everything will be ok,” as she spiked her own lemonade with vodka.
Note: William was kind enough to let us come clear our name on his blog. We did NOT have anything to do with the fireball that engulfed Exxon and almost blew up Broughton.
- Sincerely,
the kids who burned down the mansion in country club hills 15 years ago
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