Some friends of mine have been talking about an upcoming event called the “Triangle Beach Music Festival”, also known as “TBMF”. After some investigating, I’ve decided that I will not be attending this commoner infested event. From looking at the pictures online, this event, and the crowd that it attracts, are below me in so many ways.
The Band of Oz – “Formed in 1967 as a part-time band playing fraternity parties and high school proms all over the South.”
It’s been over 40 years and these guys haven’t hit it big yet. What makes them think that TBMF is going to be their “big break”?
Craig Woolard Band – “Craig spent twenty-seven years singing with The Embers. Craig was voted class President at Washington High and went on to attend Duke University. His dad, was an attorney, and had high hopes of Craig following in his footsteps – that didn’t happen. Craig was destined to be an entertainer.”
General Norman Johnson (RIP) and The Chairmen of the Board – “In the spring of 1966 in Raleigh, North Carolina, as lead singer of the Showmen, I performed before my first Beach Music audience.”
General Johnson was a legend. I’m pretty sure he played at a Broughton Prom, Queen of Hearts, or an ITB Deb Ball at one point in his career. He’s the only reason I would have gone to this. Since he’s no longer with us, there is literally not a single reason I would ever attend this event.
Spare Change – they don’t even deserve a picture
An appropriate name for this band, as they will most likely be homeless within the next 4 months. They should probably go ahead and add a “?” to the end of their name so they can get used to asking rich people for money.
I also noticed this warning on their website “NO OVERNIGHT CAMPING IS PERMITTED AT THE EVENT!!!”. This warning obviously means someone has tried to camp at TBMF before. Why am I not surprised? With a ban on camping in place, I assume these mouth breathers drunkenly stumble to the closest Days Inn to continue partying for the low low price of $29 a night. I’d rather spend an hour at Tool Pigeons (yeah, I said it) than spend a day in Garner surrounded by a bunch of 50 year old commoner sexual predators. I can only handle one 40-year old pervert bartender hitting on hot girls at a time and that’s why I go to Foster’s. I won’t be attending this event for the above stated reasons, see ya at Foster’s.