I must apologize. I rarely do this, so here it is. I’m sorry. I have been unable to inform you all of ITB related issues over the last few months. This was a result of a legal dispute that meant I wasn’t allowed to write about Felson’s. Since that’s all I ever write about, I was clearly limited in what I could put on the blog. I had tons of legal teams watching my every move, ready to make me testify as an expert witness on being blackout drunk in the Felson’s case. On top of that, I found out Brad Cooper’s lawyers read ITB Insider. Definitely didn’t want to get roped in to that one and end up in prison for something I didn’t do.
While all true, those reasons are just excuses. I could have and should have been doing more to help fellow Inside the Beltline residents deal with some catastrophic events that have occurred over the last few months. The election of an OTB mayor, the closing of Felson’s (see I did it again), how to deal with the 6 idiots “occupying” Raleigh, and the destruction of Cameron Village. So here’s my attempt at covering what happened over the last 4 months. Also, in case you missed anything over the last year on ITB Insider, I’ve provided some commentary and recapped only the good and the bad, since there’s nothing ugly about ITB.
The good: The Chick-Fil-A is actually being built. They finally broke ground in the parking lot of Eckerd’s (Rite Aid) and began building the only two story Chick-Fil-A in the world. They knew the ITB market would require double the space, especially since it’s located next to Broughton. I’ve heard they built an underground tunnel that connects to Broughton. Students can use the underground passage so they won’t be in danger of getting hit by the Suburbans of stay at home mothers who text and drive as they run errands in Cameron Village. This tunnel also allows for direct catering of Broughton luncheons, Senior picnics, and other events that would require gourmet efficient food (Chick-Fil-A isn’t considered “fast food” when it’s located in Cameron Village). I still am in disbelief that this thing actually exists. I never thought I’d see the day that we’d be able to eat Chick-Fil-A without leaving inside the beltline.
The bad: The destruction of Cameron Village. The Ballantine’s and the Village Citgo, the most expensive and elite gas station in Raleigh, were torn down to make way for some crappy 282 unit apartment building that’s being built by a company from Charlotte. Yes, Charlotte. This company, Crescent Resources, went bankrupt a few years ago. Somehow they’re back in business and are turning this piece of hallowed ground into a commoner hotel. It’d be one thing to put condos up, but apartments are unacceptable. You know who lives in apartments? Kids that have parents who can’t afford to buy them a condo. That’s who.
I’m just assuming they won’t do background checks on the heathens that rent these, which just contributes to our immigration problem. That’s right, people from other cities and states, moving ITB and thinking they own the place. This building is going to make traffic in Cameron Village even worse. You know who doesn’t mind traffic? People from Cary. They love traffic. That’s why Cary Crossroads is such a poorly designed shopping center. Bad traffic and cheap rent means those Cary heathens will be attracted to this apartment building like Broughton kids to the ITB Chick-Fil-A. I don’t want to blow this out of proportion, but the destruction of Cameron Village is our 9/11.
Felson’s Died, ITB residents Took Their Talents to The Point
Well, it finally closed. For real this time. No, seriously, it’s gone. At first, I wanted to blame Harris Teeter, but I’m sick of blaming them. They basically put up the money (lost it in a court case) to make Felson’s as awesome as it was. It was the owner who couldn’t pay the damn bills and keep this mecca for us over privileged in business. Forcing Felson’s to pay $30,450 for illegally playing Usher and other songs was just kicking them while they were already down and out. After being contacted by lawyers working on one of the countless lawsuits they were involved in, I have tons of material to put in the ITB book. Court documents, affidavits, “fact finding” e-mails about the “bad smell”, inquiries on partnering with ITB Insider, the list goes on. It’ll probably take up a whole chapter.
I’m still shocked that they couldn’t run a damn business in Cameron Village when stores like 10,000 Villages manage to stay open. Whatever, I was sick of subsidizing their bar with my ridiculous bar tabs each weekend. This was a one way relationship for way too long. Felson’s, you had me at jäger bombs and ITB elitism, but lost me at G105 St. Patrick’s Day parking lot party. Sorry, it’s not me, it’s you.
Webb Simpson Crushes Entire PGA Field
The good: Webb dominated the PGA this year. Finished 2nd in the FedEx Cup.
The bad: Broughton still doesn’t have its own golf course. We need Raleigh to let us buy Fred Fletcher park and turn it into at least a Par 3 course. I’ll work on it.
Obama Repeatedly Visits ITB in Search of Ways To Save America
Obama came to Durham to encourage those morons to try to get jobs or something. He realized that was a waste of time, which is why he came to Broughton. I’m sure he thought he could figure out how to fix the rest of the nation by learning more about us, since the recession didn’t affect inside the beltline.
Steve Jobs Died
Find someone right now that doesn’t own an Apple product. You can’t, especially inside the beltline, where we give kids iPads for getting good grades on…..actually no, just for showing up to class. He created the iPhone, which was the ultimate status symbol in 2008. Years from now, when people in Garner or Cary can finally afford iPhones, the impact he had on the world will truly be realized.
The good: The Point still exists as a place for us to get blackout and not worry about running in to people we don’t know.
The bad: There’s no dance floor. Come on guys, move the damn video games and make a dance floor. We all know that the dance floor is one of the most critical parts of hooking up. Don’t deny us this right. It’s discriminatory.
The good: It’s not Meeker.
The bad: She’s from outside the beltline.
35. Raleigh – If you’re in Raleigh, your shit better have pleats. It’s basically the town’s mascot. And here’s it’s unofficial motto: “The world is your golf course.” Southern bankers cruise from home to work and back home to change out of their off-the-rack, BOGO suits and into amoeboid polo shirts and hippy trousers. It’s a great city to swoop in for the kill at happy hour. Girls in these bars have never seen a tailored anything, so it’s easy to turn a head.—Andrew Richdale
Who told you about our unofficial motto? That’s our word. Also, we don’t buy off-the-rack. Just because Jos. A Bank constantly advertises their buy two suits get 3 shirts, 5 pairs of socks, 2 belts, 7 pairs of pants, and 9 ties free deal doesn’t mean we’re buying them. Why do you think they’re trying to get rid of so much inventory?
Clearly you didn’t go to The Point while researching your “article”. I bet you were down at the Oxford, impressing all those commoners with your multisyllabic banter. “I write for GQ and changed my name to sound like I’m rich. Wanna come see my 400 square foot apartment in New York? I’ll make sure my 4 roommates aren’t there.” gtfo.
Occupy Wall Street/Occupy Raleigh
Every time I sat down to write a post, I read an article about these idiots, became furious half way through, then went and made large purchases with my parents’ credit card to support corporations and the big banks. I didn’t want to give these people any attention during the media frenzy.
Canterbury House Fire
The good: No one was hurt.
The bad: Now we’ve got to worry about more ITB arsonists.
The good: The March Madness Tournament was one of the most successful ideas this site has ever come up with. It basically covered all the important parts of ITB and settled some age old debates regarding the ITBness of certain people, places, and things. The Brad Cooper trial post also got a lot of attention. Mainly because ITBers like reading stories about people from Cary getting screwed.
The bad: Going four months without addressing the inside the beltline faithful is unacceptable and I apologize. This book is taking up a huge amount of my waking hours. It doesn’t help that my waking hours are about half that of a normal person, due to my excessive partying. I promise to give back to the community more this year. I’ll leave you with a recap of the past year, along with a few of my favorite comments.
White Man’s Firewater Gets Best of Indian…Again
Some commoner from OTB tried to kill us. I made fun of him. Some people got mad.
“I am almost, nay, I am FUCKING positive that my father is the most powerful lawyer in North Carolina (Super Laywer 6 years in a row – and if you don’t know what this magazine or honor is, then you are clearly a GDI and should not read further) and he resides in Fayetteville. I am pretty sure that he can without a doubt buy you and your entire family as fucking jesters for his living room as he drinks imported Scotch that is aged well over 50 years. Lumberton is the grundle of the State, next to Greenville, no doubt. But to lose focus that there is an area of Fayetteville that FAR exceeds some places in Raleigh (even ITB) is completely ridiculous. Shall I add that I live in a well established area ITB that is payed for by him as well. And lets not fail to throw in the fact that the $3.7MM beach house on Harbors Island in Wrightsville will just accompany all this as well. So GFY (also known as Go Fuck Yourself)
joker, April 25, 2011”
I’m glad your father is the best “laywer” in whatever crap town you’re from. Here inside the beltline, we prefer to have actual “lawyers” defending us.
We Didn’t Start the Fire
I assumed someone from outside the beltline was trying to put a jihad on Broughton. I thought it might be some jealous bastard from Myers Park.
ITB March Madness Tournament
We intentionally left off a few matchups because the winner was too obvious. Things like living in Cary v. killing yourself, going to a parking lot party with G105 commoners v. drinking by yourself, Myers Park v. Country Club Hills, etc.
My favorite comment from this post was:
“Bravo, bravo Will Need! May I ask where you obtained your web sleuthing degree from? Campbell University? UNC? Yale? Which law school was it? Oh….ITB….SHAW! My bad.
You should definitely apply down at the Cary PD. They need some know-it-alls down there to help with all of this OBVIOUS evidence. So sorry we didn’t have you before!
Now if’ you’ll excuse me, I gotta get. Going to walk up to the local library to teach myself how to read so I can hopefully get me one of them there drivers licenses. These dang outside of the beltline schools here in Wake County just pushed me on through all 12 grades! How bout them there apples???
Thanks for letting me post…..PRICK.
Jay Martin, May 9, 2011”
Thanks for the comment Jay, but you’re from Cary. You don’t matter. That’s all. No long rant needed. You’re not worth my time. You. don’t. matter.
Thank you for letting me tell everyone that all I do is close seven figure deals and follow Phish and Widespread on tour, when in reality I don’t even have the signature authority to buy so much as a piece of paper for the office.
I’m creating the exclusive ITB+ so that we can continue to only socialize with people we already know and grew up with.
Fighting for our rights
I can’t count the number of times I’ve wanted to sue my parents for improper parenting.