I spent the morning listening to those morons Mike and Mike on ESPN Radio and barely heard anything about Broughton, ITB, or Jeremy Shelley. So now I’m giving this story the coverage it deserves. Congratulations to Jeremy Shelley for winning the BCS National Championship game and improving the ITB and Broughton Wikipedia page. I’m not sure where we stand on naming Broughton’s football field after Jeremy Shelley, but that needs to happen before we hold the ITB Bowl (I’ll explain). Before last night, the BCS was the biggest scam in sports. Now that Broughton has a share of the title, it’s the most fair, unbiased, logical way to decide a champion in any sport. Ever.
If you didn’t watch, here’s a play by play of the entire game.
ITB 3, LSU 0 – Shelley field goal
ITB 6, LSU 0 – Shelley field goal
ITB 9, LSU 0 – Shelley field goal
Halftime – Some guy went out to kick some field goals to win a house or car or something. He didn’t even have to kick against a defense or have a holder and he still missed every single kick. Just shows how hard it is to kick field goals, especially if you didn’t go to Broughton.
Also at halftime, ESPN proved that they’re run by a bunch of commoners who don’t want Broughton to get the credit it deserves.
ITB 12, LSU 0 – Shelley field goal
Missed field goal resulting from a terrible hold by the quarterback. ITB 12, LSU 0
ITB 15, LSU 0 – Shelley field goal
Trent Richardson scored a TD in garbage time, so it doesn’t really count.
So at the end of the game, I was all ready to watch ITB get awarded the MVP. To my shock and horror, the backwoods quarterback, AJ McCarron, won the MVP. John Saunders actually congratulated AJ and gave him credit for “all those holds on the field goals”. Unbelievable. That’s like giving credit to a bartender for you getting blackout when you’re the one that put in all the hard work taking countless shots.
If it weren’t for a garbage time touchdown, Shelley would have scored ALL of the points scored in the game. If AJ McCarron were worthy of the MVP why didn’t he throw any touchdown passes? He threw for 234 yards and the majority of those were a result of incredible plays by the wide receivers. Shelley kicked field goals of 23 yards, 34 yards, 41 yards, 35 yards, and 44 yards. The only reason he missed two attempts is because the offensive line screwed up on one and the holder screwed up on the other. So I’m overriding the ridiculous decision and officially naming Jeremy Shelley the ITB MVP of the BCS National Championship game.
To prevent a mistake like this from happening again, I’m starting the ITB Bowl. After reading Death to the BCS, I’ve learned that anyone can start a bowl and make tons of money from it, while making people think you’re giving money to charity since you’re set up as a 501 (c)(3) and you don’t have to pay federal, state, and local taxes.
For example, the Sugar Bowl, which received $3 million from the Louisiana state government, brought in $34.1 million in revenue while having $22.5 million of expenses. This resulted in an $11.6 million tax-free profit, including the $3 million from taxpayer money. The Sugar Bowl gave nothing to charity. Not a cent! Ha! Nothing to the Hurricane Katrina reconstruction effort. Nothing to the New Orleans after school program. Nothing to Habitat for Humanity. Don’t feel bad for those charities. If they wanted money they should have started their own bowl game, although I doubt many people would pay to see a bunch of kids go up against some construction workers.
Spending tons of money and creating “committees” to spend that money are key to having a successful bowl. The Sugar Bowl spent,
$607,500 on compensation for the Executive Director
$494,177 on entertainment
$455,781 on special appropriations
$201,226 on gifts and bonuses
$114,666 on committee meetings
$46,017 on conference meetings
The Sugar Bowl has a “committee on golf” and a “special subcommittee on ladies’ entertainment”. All of this is legal. In 2003, bowl officials at the Music City Bowl spent $7,203 on an office miniature golf tournament. And that bowl has only received upward of a half-million dollars in public funding since 2006. So cry about it all you want, or take advantage of the system.
That’s why I’ve decided to start the ITB Bowl, which will be held at Broughton’s football stadium. I’ll hire ITB Moms, who are great at spending money they didn’t earn, to run the committees. Off the top of my head, I know we’ll need a committee for gift bags for all the players and fans, a committee for halftime entertainment, and a committee for the ITB Bowl parade through Cameron Village. I’m assuming this will include the Broughton band, since they’re good enough to be in the Rose Bowl parade every year. Entry to the game will require a limited edition Caps pass that costs $10,000, so we won’t need to worry about poor people going to the game.
I was originally thinking of having Broughton play maybe Leesville or Millbrook. Then I realized we’d have to send buses out there to pick up the kids so we could make sure all of the heathens returned to where they belong after the game is over. That’s just way too much money to waste on transportation, especially when we could be forming a committee on pre-gaming and tailgating.
So I’ve decided that Broughton will play against itself. This is very similar to the ITB Olympics where the swim team at the Club competes against itself so they don’t have to let any poor kids into the pool. To make things fair, the Broughton Varsity and Junior Varsity teams will be split so that the Varsity offense is on the same team as the JV defense, and the JV offense is paired with the Varsity defense. This way all the players who normally ride the bench will get some playing time, impressing those parents who only love their kids based on their athletic achievements. It’s a win win. I’ll need to work out more of the details over the next few months. Sure, earlier this year an internal investigation into the Fiesta Bowl detailed expense reports filed for strip-club visits and extravagant birthday parties and resulted in the dismissal of the chief executive and a nine count criminal indictment. But there’s no way this could go wrong.