I’m against American Idol. I don’t like that a contestant’s success is based off the votes of anyone with access to a phone or the internet. You should be born into success. I only watch the first few weeks of this show so I can see all the commoners have their dreams crushed by a rock legend, a D-List session musician, and an illegal. How humiliating. The season premier aired Wednesday night and the judges sent a kid from Fayetteville, a girl from Kinston, and a girl from Charlotte through to Hollywood. All three hope to make it far in the show and leave their destitute lives behind them. No, I’m not jealous. ITB couldn’t care less about American Idol. Performing at the Queen of Hearts assembly is the only thing that matters to us. That’s when you know you’ve made it. American Idol doesn’t bother coming to Raleigh because the producers know exactly how it would play out:
Broughton kid performs in front of the rock legend, D-List session musician, and the illegal.
D-Lister: Yo dawg, dawg, dawg, dawg, dawg, dawg, dawg, dawg, dawg. Dawg.
Illegal: That was amazing.
Rock legend: Are you over 16? What’s the age of consent in NC?
Broughton kid: Thanks. I know it was amazing. I sang it. Yes, I’m 16.
D-Lister: I say yes.
Rock legend: Yes. Meet me in my trailer.
All three in unison: You’re going to Hollywood!!!!
Broughton kid: What the shit? I thought this was the Queen of Hearts audition? I’m not going to Hollywood. Hollywood is for poor people who are dying to be new money famous. I don’t need that.
So yeah, they know ITB kids would scoff at the invitation to Hollywood, making the show a total failure. Someone made the following well thought out comment on my Facebook wall:
“ITB needs its own record label based in Raleigh so none of those talents have to fly out to LA. And instead of touring, they hold their locations inside the beltline also. But where though? The new amphitheater downtown is great, but not big enough due to an extremely large local (ITB) Fanbase. I would think Holiday Gym; BHS would get enough money to build on to its already domineering athletics program.”
That’s a great idea all around. Kids don’t have to leave Raleigh and Broughton gets enough money to put luxury boxes in the gym and on the Jeremy Shelley Football Field. If you pull the show together, I’ll sponsor it.
The bigger problem is that most of these American Idols from North Carolina become “successful” and end up giving us a bad name. Last night on 30 Rock they mentioned Raleigh, North Carolina by saying: “Do you think the people of Raleigh, NC, turned Clay Aiken gay? “Why not? The Bronx turned me dyslexic.” I don’t even understand the joke. Are they saying we turn people gay or that we don’t like gay people? Had he never gotten famous for losing American Idol, we wouldn’t be associated with him and jokes that I don’t understand.
Clay Aiken isn’t even the worst example. No one can make us look as bad as that illiterate moron Fantasia did. Remember when she tried to overdose on aspirin or something? How are we sure she wasn’t just reading the label on her pill bottle incorrectly? “Ughh, I’m so hungover from bein up in da club all night. I better take these aspirin. How much dat say I need be takin’? 100? Damn, that shit cray, but sounds right to me.” It’s not that I wish she died, I just wish she never existed. Her “success” on American Idol just shows other kids from High Point that if you follow your dreams, you too can be an American Idol and not have to spend your life whittling furniture.