A recap of what’s been going on inside the beltline over the last few weeks.
10-Digit Dialing: 984 is for the Poor
Unfortunately, our population is growing in and around ITB, which means we’re running out of numbers in the 919 area code. Starting this weekend, new phone numbers will have a 984 area code. Since 919 and 984 overlap, making local calls will require dialing the area code first. You’ll need to add 919 to the local numbers in your cell phones, otherwise they won’t work when you make a call, drunk dial, text, or drunk text.
This won’t be a problem for most ITB residents. Whenever I’m getting someone’s phone number, I make sure to ask for their area code. If it starts with anything other than 919, I just keep entering the number, then store it as “OTB ALERT: NEVER ANSWER CALLS OR TEXTS FROM THIS NUMBER”. I rarely have to do this because obviously the person I’m talking to is a 919er.
It’s about time we started marking all the newcomers with these scarlet area codes of shame. I can’t wait to scoff at these newcomers when I hear them give their 984 phone number to the cashier at Harris Teeter because they forgot their VIC Card, or when they give out their business card with their 984 number while trying to network with 919ers. Note: If we ever get an NFL team, “919ers” would be a pretty badass name.
The Hunger Games, filmed in NC, based on ITB (sort of)
The Hunger Games movie came out and was all anyone talked about last week. Apparently, the entire movie was filmed in North Carolina and tourists are flocking to our state to visit the set, which is just the woods and some crap building in Charlotte. I decided to look into all the hype, since I’m easily influenced by mass media and large advertising budgets. I bought the first Hunger Games on the Kindle and after the first chapter I was so entertained by how they make fun of the poor people that I immediately ordered two more Kindles so I could get the next two books. Someone just informed me that you don’t actually have to buy a new Kindle every time you want to get a new book. Apparently you can download and store hundreds of books on just one Kindle. I don’t know if this is actually true or not, because it sounds like a terrible business model (they also offer free books, so that’s sort of a turn off).
Even with all of my Kindles, and the assurance from athletes and celebrities who have been telling me “reading is cool” on library posters for my entire life, I still don’t really like reading. Every time I start reading a book, I’m unable to imagine a place that isn’t set inside the beltline. Fortunately, the Hunger Games translated pretty easily to my limited imagination. I just viewed Durham, Holly Springs, Cary, Garner, Apex, etc. as all of the poor districts. ITB was obviously the capital where the upper class lived and watched the hungry people fight to the death on the back 9 of the golf course at the Club. I won’t ruin it for you if you haven’t read it, but you can learn more about it here: Wikipedia: The Most Dangerous Game.
51% Of All American Households Now Own At Least One Apple Product
See, this is what happens when Apple lowers the prices of their older models of iPhones to $99. They might as well be putting iPhones as prizes in cereal boxes like Blackberry did a few years ago. My iPad 1 currently serves as a late night device, a coaster, and a flat surface to rest my new iPad on. Someone on Twitter pointed out that 100% of ITB homes have at least 5 Apple devices. I think that number might be a little low. Seriously, count how many Apple devices you’ve ever owned. If you’re ITB, I guarantee it’s over 5. Also, Apple totally screwed up by not making the new iPad look different from the iPad 2. I had to get a new case that said “THIS IS THE NEW IPAD” in huge letters on the back just so people would know I had the new one.
McDonald’s All American Game
Since all the ACC teams are out of the NCAA tournament, ITB residents have turned our attention to the high school scene, which is never hard for us to do. The McDonald’s All American Game aired last night and included a few recruits that’ll be ITB next year. The McDonald’s game is somewhat entertaining, but it features too many kids from not Raleigh*. ITB has its own All American Game, but it only consists of players who play for Broughton that are going on to be walk-ons at ACC schools. It’s not that these kids aren’t good enough to get a scholarship offer. They’re better than you’ll ever be. They decide to be walk-ons because Broughton kids don’t need scholarships. We actually don’t need college either, since we have a built in job network the day we are born. We just go to college for the partyin’. Sorry. The ITB All American game would be shown on television, but sometimes it’s only a one on one game, and one year it was just Arson Whitaker III shooting free throws while Broughton parents showered him with praise.
The exception to the walk-on rule is Pistol Pete Maravich, one of the greatest basketball players ever. He played at Broughton and was given a scholarship to go play at LSU. However, his Dad was the coach at LSU, which made taking the scholarship totally acceptable, since we all go and work for Dad after we graduate.
*”Not Raleigh” is where out-of-staters are from. Example: Hearing ”Nice to meet you, I’m from D.C.” will cause an ITB resident to say “Oh, so…not Raleigh. Yeah…..I’m done talking to you.”
City Council Plans to Add Security Cameras to Gelwood South
The City Council will apply for a federal grant to pay for security cameras that will be placed in and around Glenwood South. The City would add in $30,000 for the project. Hopefully, these cameras will be used for the surveillance and deportation of commoners. There’s a rumor that the cameras will be used to develop a reality show based on the gel heads and sluts of Gelwood South. Episodes would consist of commoners making fools of themselves as they stumble out of Solas and Mirage and immediately start fighting over cabs, or which gel head a particular slut will go home* with.
*If you can call a crappy apartment complex outside I-540 “home”.
ITB News Alert: ITB Chick Fil A in ITB Cameron Village is offering a free breakfast deal during April. Obviously, as an ITB resident, I do not accept free things because I am not an OTB charity case. However, OTB residents can’t afford Chick Fil A which means they are going to take full advantage of this free breakfast deal all month long. Fortunately for ITB, gas prices are increasing and OTB residents that actually have a car won’t be able to afford enough gas to make it from their cookie-cutter neighborhood all the way to Cameron Village. And, even if, for some reason, they can afford the gas, it’s highly likely their car that they bought off Capital Blvd is missing half its engine so it won’t even hardly make it out of their garage (although, they probably do not even have a garage – point is, the car won’t make it all the way to ITB). Anyways, it seems OTB residents have more things working against them in this situation which we can only hope will keep them from being able to eat our chicken minis. But, it is still a huge concern that OTB will find a way to be transported to Chick Fil A. To be safe, ITB residents should stick to either home cooked breakfast by their personal chef or dine at Carolina Country Club, Capital City Club, Cardinal Club or ITB restaurants, such as Irregardless, for breakfast during April.
Thank you for the well thought out plan. I commend you for your ITB mindset.