Earlier this month, Obama requested to make a stop by Broughton to talk about something called “student loans”, which is apparently something people use to pay for college. Fortunately, he changed plans and visited UNC instead. I’m sure he heard about the interrogation skills of Broughton’s Snow Holding and decided he couldn’t handle the pressure.
So Obama went to Carolina to talk about student loans, which was obviously an attempt to capture the “I had to pay for my own college” vote. Jimmy Fallon was also on campus to film his show “Last Call with Jimmy Fallon” or whatever it’s called. His main guest was Obama with musical guest Phillip Phillips Dave Matthews. Prior to the visit, all the students were saying the same thing, “Don’t raise my rates!” and “I don’t want to pay more for my education” and “Let’s go to Bob’s or Top-O then do some blow before Jimmy Fallon starts.” and “Obama’s talking in an hour, let’s cruise to Los Pos for tequila shots and tacos.”
Obama talked about how the loan rate could double this summer, which would cost students an average of $1,000. The students’ main fear was that the $1,000 increase would prevent them from being able to afford the next generation iPad when it comes out next year. Others were concerned about having to get a job immediately after graduation to pay back the loans. “But I don’t want a job. I double majored in Philosophy and Medieval Studies, with a minor in Peace, War, and Defense. I was just going to dick around in grad school for another 6 years to avoid working for the Man. Then I was going to get a government grant to study how apes use iPads in the jungle,” said one student.
Wait, we have to pay this money back?
Give them a student loan today and tomorrow we’ll be paying for their federal grant to play Angry Birds with monkeys. If they didn’t want to pay student loans they shouldn’t have become students. It’s not like anyone made them go to college, or even worse, graduate school. I didn’t need grad school because I got a job right out of college. Sure I’m underqualified and overpaid, but I got my job by putting in the time networking at the Club and by having Roman numerals in my name.
If they were so concerned about money they should have just graduated high school and then gotten a nice minimum wage job. Like the majority of inside the beltline residents, I didn’t actually know what minimum wage was. After Googling it, I found out it’s $7.25. I then came up with a complex equation to prove my “If you are complaining about student loans you should have just gotten a job” hypothesis.
The Equation:
Minimum wage x 40 hours a week = O
O x 52 weeks = T
T x 4 years* = B
B = the amount you would have made if you didn’t go to college
(*Note to ITB kids who are doing this math for fun, substitute 5 years to account for the victory lap we take on our parents’ dime).
$7.25 x 40 hours = $290/week
$290 x 52 weeks = $15,080/year
$15,080 x 4 years = $60,320
I guess these workers have to pay normal people taxes, which I’m told is 30%, so that should leave them with about $42,000 after four years. According to “statistics”, the average student debt after graduating is $25,000. So all these people had to do was work for 2 or 3 years before going to college. Clearly these students aren’t smart enough to do this math before taking on tons of debt. This raises another problem: why are we letting students in to college if they can’t even figure out that they need to work a minimum wage job for two years in order to afford college?
The answer to this problem is simple. ITB Scholarships. We will pool our money together and offer scholarships to those we deem worthy. The scholarship winners must major in what we tell them to. Upon graduation, the students will be required to come work for us. By this time, most of us will have inherited our family’s company, and we’ll be able to make the scholarship kids do all of our work for us. This way the recipients won’t be able to bitch and moan about having to pay back their student loans. I’m working on creating a scholarship application so graduating seniors can apply in the next few weeks.
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