Twitter

Twitter

Over the past few weeks, I haven’t been able to watch TV or look on the internet without someone talking about Twitter. Apparently, Twitter allows users to post messages, that can be up to 140 characters long, called “tweets” (which I will refer to as “messages” so I don’t sound like a 14 year old girl). These “messages” can be viewed by people who are “following” the user that posts them. Many important people that I listen to, such as celebrities and cable news networks, have started to use Twitter as a way to let their fans and the general public “follow” what they’re doing at all times. I learned that it’s quickly gaining popularity, from Twitter’s website, “ The New York Times calls Twitter “one of the fastest-growing phenomena on the Internet.” TIME Magazine says, “Twitter is on its way to becoming the next killer app,” and Newsweek noted that “Suddenly, it seems as though all the world’s a-twitter.”" After hearing about this rise in popularity, the socialite in me naturally said, “You’re important as shit, people want to know what you’re doing at all times, you should join Twitter.” Even though I still don’t understand what Twitter actually is, and even though it seems that Twitter was created by some commoner who can’t afford to let people send “messages” longer than 140 characters, this service might have some advantages. Sure I’ve got a Blackberry and an iPhone, which gives me constant access to the internet, e-mail, and text messaging, but without Twitter I’m not able to know what important people (celebrities and cable news networks) are doing every second of the day. There are a few other reasons that I decided to join.

1. I can update fellow ITBers with the latest important information regarding getting blackout and being exclusive.

2. If you aren’t poor and have a cell phone (Blackberry/iPhone) with a Twitter application, you can view my updates as soon as I post them and know what I’m doing at all times. It’s sort of like a mass text message, but better, although I’m still not sure why. Fox News has Twitter, so it must be important.

3. Since Felson’s doesn’t have Twitter I’m going to have to take it upon myself to ensure that everyone is informed of what’s happening while I’m there. I’ll be able to let all of my followers know what the talent to gel head ratio is at Felson’s at all times. I think using this service will also help us take back the Felson’s, I just haven’t figured out how yet.

4. It’s all people are talking about right now and I have to be part of it before it gets too popular. Once it gets too popular, I can talk about how much it sucks because “there are just way too many people using Twitter now, it’s so lame”.

When you first sign up, you may not be sure of who you should “follow”. You’ll obviously want to follow me, even though I probably won’t follow you unless I can clearly see that you’re someone I would take bombs with at Felson’s. I’ll spend my time following important people like Shaq and Karl Rove. To help you get started, here’s a brief overview of who I’m following and why:

1. Fox News – After following Fox News for a day, I’ve noticed that they post “tweets” about every 2 minutes with critical news stories, such as “Idaho Teacher Sells Pizza Ads on Tests” or “Octomom’s Clan to Receive Free 24-Hour Care, Gifts”. I don’t know what I’d do if I weren’t updated with these kinds of stories as soon as possible. I also need to be in constant communication with Fox News if there’s another terrorist attack, since they’ll be the first to tweet about it. We all know I can’t wait around and expect CNN or MSNBC to alert me of a change in the terror level as soon as it happens.

2. CNN – As much as I hate following them, I’ve got to make sure I’m aware of what these liberal Commies are “reporting” at all times. Fortunately, CNN’s “reporters” are too busy “reporting” on shit and as a result they don’t “tweet” nearly as much as Fox News. CNN is so lazy that they’ve only put up one “tweet” in the last 24 hours. That’s right, 24 hours. Have they not seen the ridiculous amount of shit that people like Jack Bauer have to deal with over a mere 24 hour period?

3. MC Hammer – It’s MC Hammer, why wouldn’t I want to know what he’s doing at all times?

4. LeVar Burton – aka the guy from Reading Rainbow. I didn’t learn how to read until I was 9 years old. You’re probably thinking to yourself, “Nine years old? Are you retarded?” No I’m not retarded, I didn’t learn to read because I didn’t have to. My parents made LeVar Burton do it for me. It was the late 80s, between all the golf, tennis lessons, drugs, and museum galas that my parents had to attend do you really think they would waste their time teaching me how to read? No, they knew they could sit me down in front of the TV and make LeVar Burton do it for them. It’s called outsourcing, bitches. LeVar taught me a lot and the least I can do is keep track of his failing ”career” in showbusiness by “following” him on Twitter.

5. Al Gore – I would rather spend a weekend in the shittiest part of Myrtle Beach than have to get updates from Al Gore, but I’ve got to keep an eye on this bastard and his whole “global warming” theory. I need to make sure I can counter his liberal propaganda using my immense knowledge of how this planet really works.

6. John McCain – No explanation needed. McCain uses Twitter even though he said during his campaign that he doesn’t even know how to use a computer or the internet. I guess he just makes an aide follow him around and send out messages for him, which is exactly why I like him.

7. Shaq – Because he’s Shaq.

8. P Diddy – Mo’ money, mo’ problems is one of the greatest rap songs of all time, which is reason enough to follow Diddy and put up with his constant “tweets” that have no meaning. Note: After following P Diddy for a day, I am positive think he might be legally retarded.

9. Karl Rove – Not only is Karl (we’re on a first name basis since he is now following me as well, that’s right Karl Rove is following my every move) a political mastermind, he’s also great at updating me with important information. When a person “follows” you and you “follow” that person, you are then allowed to send direct private messages to each other, something Karl and I will definitely start doing in the near future. I’m hoping he can help me get some stimulus money to finish building my wall around the beltline.

One interesting feature is that you can direct a message to someone by using “@”. So let’s say there’s a ton of talent at Blue Martini but you know they’re going to migrate to Felson’s soon, you can just let me know by sending something like “@WNFIV don’t come to Blue Martini, the cougars aren’t out tonight, we’re migrating to Felson’s asap” which will let me know to go straight to Felson’s instead of wasting my time at Blue Marshitty. I can also use this “@” feature to communicate with the important people I follow without having to get my people to contact their PR reps. I’ll be sure to keep you updated on any significant conversations I have with all of these famous people. So click on the box to the right and sign up for Twitter. If you still don’t understand how Twitter works, well, neither do I. But if I can use it to spread the message of how much better inside the beltline is than the rest of the world, then I’ll at least give it a shot.