I continued my streak of being charitable by adopting a bus shelter last week. I realize that nothing about that sentence sounds ITB, but let me explain. Last week, ITB City Councilman Bonner Gaylord tweeted:
— Bonner Gaylord (@BonnerGaylord) December 6, 2012
I live for the opportunity to beat Thomas Crowder at anything, but bus shelters? Adoption? Responsibility? I’m not familiar with any of that. I learned that the process is very simple and you really don’t have to do any work at all. To adopt a shelter you just go to their website, pick a shelter, and then agree to clean it up once a month. In return, you get to name it.
Obviously, mine had to be either near Broughton or in Cameron Village, and luckily I was able to adopt the one on Cameron Street. Look at those brick columns, the large brick plaza, the wrought iron and wooden bench, the fact that it’s within 20 feet of Village Deli. Doesn’t get any more ITB than that.
Notice the “Foster’s” sign in the background. Never forget.
Dont worry, I won’t actually have to clean this thing myself, that’s what cleaning crews are for. I’ve hired a great ITB service, HOME Inc., to keep my shelter clean.
Now I need to decide on a name. Should I just name it after myself, “WNFIV”, or the blog, “ITB Insider”, or dedicate it to a place that will never return, “Nelson’s Was Here”? I’ve temporarily settled on “Nelson’s Forever – @WNFIV”, but this may change.
I’m in this for the long haul. This isn’t like getting a puppy and returning it 24 hours later because it cried too much and I realized I couldn’t take care of it because I can’t even take care of myself. I plan to celebrate this bus shelter’s birthday and have a blowout parking lot party when it turns 12, the legal drinking age for ITB residents.
ITB ALERT: Broughton Steals Students’ Phones, Hates Women
Cell phones are an ITB birthright. That’s why it was so shocking to hear from @charlotterives that over 100 cell phones were taken from Broughton students this week. No, these weren’t stolen by Leesville students, they were confiscated by Broughton administrators and teachers. I’m told that this is somehow tied to “at least four” fights that happened last Friday in the cafeteria.
Everyone knows cell phone possession and fights have no correlation. OTB schools have fights all the time and I doubt any of their students have cell phones. This means one thing, Broughton administrators hate women. Let me show you how I got to this logical conclusion, and remember, I took the LSAT four times. Broughton takes away cell phones from students. If Broughton students can’t use their cell phones, they can’t check Twitter during class. If they can’t check Twitter during class, they can’t find out that they can support Interact, a great ITB charity that supports victims of domestic violence, by buying ITB Koozies and shirts at the York Properties office. If they can’t support Interact, then no one will do anything to stop domestic violence. Thus, the Broughton administration is supporting domestic violence. This must stop now.
The easiest solution is for Broughton students to make their parents buy them new phones every day. If that doesn’t work, students should complain so much that their parents get fed up and start to berate the administration. Broughton will cave in and the students can go back to doing whatever they want during class because learning is for nerds. A good portion of my Twitter followers currently go to Broughton and I refuse to let them be deprived of checking Twitter during class. If this isn’t resolved soon I’m just going to buy everyone an iPhone 4, because they cost like a dollar now, seriously.
Finding Undeniable: We Must Protect This Broughton
Broughton has reached the finals of the Under Armour Finding Undeniable tournament. The winning school receives $140,000 worth of the most innovative uniforms, apparel, footwear, and accessories from Under Armour. I know, I know, ideally we would have Brooks Brothers or ITB Insider™ sponsor Broughton athletics but neither are in the sports market right now, and Dad said it wouldn’t count as charity if I spent $140,000 on Broughton sports equipment. If anyone needs brand new equipment, it’s Broughton. I’ve heard there are football helmets and jerseys that are at least two years old. That’s just not safe. Think of the concussions. Think of the students.
This tournament has brought the students together in the same way that getting new Under Armour uniforms brought together that rag tag (poor) team from East Dillon that Coach Eric Taylor took over in season four of Friday Night Lights. Side note: How OTB was East Dillon? I mean, come on. They might as well have had “Enloe” or “Leesville” written on their jerseys. The Dillon Panthers were so Broughton. I can just hear Tim Riggins moodily saying, “ITB forever” right before toasting Jason Street and Lyla Garrity and drinking his 89th beer of the night.
Some might see Broughton winning this as an example of the rich getting richer. To that I say, haters gonna hate, Slater’s gonna Slate.
I still don’t really understand how this tournament works, but it seems like the students have this under control. Let me know if there’s anything I can do to help. Tis the season.
An STD Motel opens on Gelwood South – Gelheads book every room immediately.
My Christmas list – what I want for Christmas and what you all should want after reading my Christmas list.