If you have a pulse and can afford the internet you’ve seen the Xmas Jammies video created by Penn Holderness of
NBC-17 his new film production company, Visit the Darkroom or whatever. I’m not going to post the video here. What I will do is post proof of why Penn Holderness is ITB. HE SAID MY NAME ON TV.
While that makes Penn an honorary ITBer, many people have wondered whether the video itself is ITB or OTB.
— Kat Moncol (@kmoncol) December 15, 2013
— TD Tailgate Tour (@TDTailgateTour) December 18, 2013
@WNFIV Alright, after the Christmas Jammes video, what’s the final verdict on Penn Holderness? ITB or not?
— The Carolinian (@CarolinaRepub) December 18, 2013
Were I to dole out a verdict based purely on emotions it wouldn’t be pretty. It’s not that I’m jealous of how much this family loves each other, ok, I am. Watching this video is a painful reminder of the times when my family barely mentioned me in our Christmas letter. There was the year my parents found out about ITB Insider and decided to try to distance themselves from me. They just wrote, “William, 24.” That’s it. I’m not even sure if that’s a complete sentence. They didn’t even use a to be verb, for Christ’s sake. Then there was the year they scratched through the sentence, “William, now 6, spent the entire year watching the movie “Turner and Hooch” every day and crying himself to sleep every night. He’s now back in therapy.” Instead they wrote, “William, now 6, enjoys movies.”. I barely got a sentence while everyone else got pages about their awards and achievements. So my sister did some crap in the Y-Indian Princesses. WHO CARES?
So yeah, they love each other. That’s great. Adopt me. Regarding the Xmas Jammies video itself, I’m afraid that it isn’t ITB. However, it isn’t so bad that it’s fully OTB. Had they made a few minor changes, this video would have been ITB approved.
1. Mention Root/Lacy, Daniels/Martin, and Broughton – I realize they may not know what school district their children are in since that seems to change every six months. But ITB parents know for a fact that their children will attend Root/Lacy, Daniels/Martin, and then Broughton. Even if you aren’t in the correct school district and your parents have to lie and tell Root that you live off of Gaddy Dr. when you really live off of Grant Ave. (how the hell is Grant Ave. not in the Root district?) your parents will do anything to make sure you attend the holy trinity of ITB schools.
2. Mention WNFIV – there was no mention of me. I’m no lyrical genius, but were I to pen a verse incorporating my name, it may have gone something like this.
“We might be Just OTB, but at least we know W-N-F-I-V”
It’s not that hard.
3. Where is your Tahoe? – I hope you bought that Prius ironically, or as some sort of joke against hipsters. Open up your garage and at least show off your Tahoe. You do have a Tahoe, right? Tell me you have a Tahoe….
4. Stop teaching your kid Chinese – Why is your kid learning Chinese anyway? Everyone knows the menu at Red Dragon is in English. She could be doing more important ITB girl things, like memorizing the double names of every girl on the Queen of Hearts Court. Tradition is more important than learning new things, especially languages. Ugh.
5. Don’t get a vasectomy – The point of being ITB is to have a massively huge family that can breed with other ITB families and continue to shun outsiders.
6. Your children are more accomplished than I am - They’re not even 10 and they’re making me look bad. Now I’ve got to sit through Christmas dinner with my Mom saying things like, ”That little girl can speak two languages, and you……well you’re lucky I was friends with your Latin teacher at Broughton. You never would have passed.” in between her oversized glasses of wine. Thanks, Mom.
Lastly, being ITB is all about being exclusive and better than others for any reason that you simply imagine and then state as a fact. We must apply the exclusivity principle to this video. Viewers of this video can be broken down into categories based on when they first saw it. I was the 47th viewer, so obviously it was still ITB at that point.
Views 0-10,000 – ITB
Views 10,001-100,000 – JOTB (Just Outside the Beltline)
Views 100,001-1,000,000 – OTB
Views 1,000,000 – 10,000,000 – OTOB (Outside the Outer Beltline aka I-540)
Anything above 10,000,000 and you might as well go back to writing Nigerian Prince scam e-mails, because you live in the third world. The video is now over 12 million views, far from exclusive at this point.
I’ve reviewed the evidence, Penn being honorary ITB, the changes that could have made this video ITB, and the lack of exclusivity that gets worse and worse with each viewing. My final verdict: Xmas Jammies is JOTB, or Just Outside the Beltline.
Merry Christmas to all and to the Holdernessss’sss’. I can’t wait to watch ”Behind the Music: Xmas Jammies” in ten years.