I’ve had it with Greg Fischel (the weatherman at WRAL 5). If you’re reading this Greg (I know you are), what the hell is wrong with you? Why can’t you tell me about a goddamned tornado in Raleigh until 10 minutes after it’s already touched down? I never pay attention to you because you’re a weatherman, and weathermen are completely insignificant, but I’m driving home right now through this damn tornado, listening to your dumbass on satellite radio say, “Umm, well here it is, oh wait no…..uh…here it is now, uh….well…just stay inside…” Jackass. What’s the point of having you around, when I can get an application on my phone that shows me all those maps you look at all the time? Sure, I can’t read them and don’t understand them at all, but it’s obvious that you can’t read them and don’t understand them either. There’s no reason you should have a job at all.
Not only did you almost kill me today, but last week you nearly ruined my entire weekend when you said it would rain Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. I actually almost cancelled a party at my house on Saturday night because I thought there would be bad weather. Don’t worry, I refuse to let weather affect the amount of fun I have. I planned to go through with partyin’ regardless of your “predictions”, but the point is, you made me have to stop and think about my actions, which is something I hate doing.
Even with all of your maps, computers, the internet, and your 5,000 dopplers, you’re never right. Whenever we have snow, you never predict it. When we don’t have snow, you predict three feet of it. Every single time you say, “Oh it’s gonna snow 18-24 inches…” and I go buy beer and liquor and prepare for a snow day party, I wake up the next morning and there’s half an inch of snow on the ground and Forrest and I have to sit at my house and drink by ourselves because all of our friends have to go to work instead of getting blackout with us. And then when there is snow, I’m not prepared and I end up having to drive through the snow in my SUV hungover because I was drinking the previous night under the impression that I could sleep all day like normal, since we weren’t getting any snow. Could you be any more of a buzzkill? Jesus Christ is there a way that we can get this guy fired? My Dad says that I’ve got to stop asking him for things like this but I’m still going to ask him anyway. When’s the last time you actually did something that was good? I don’t even want to discuss the time back in 2005 when the entire city of Raleigh came to a halt because of half an inch of snow that you failed to tell us about.
Don’t think I’ve forgotten about Hurricane Fran, when you made me lose power for two freakin’ hours. It was 1996 and I’m pretty sure I was in the middle of playing Goldeneye on my Nintendo 64 when everything went to shit and we lost power. Once Dad had gotten gas for our generator, I sat in my air conditioned play room and watched the neighbors help each other clean the debris from their yards. I was ashamed that they were resorting to this communist behavior. I personally didn’t feel like a communist, since we had a generator and didn’t have to help anyone else, but I still couldn’t stand the fact that other people were forced to help their neighbors and get to know each other since they went days without power, clean water, and telephones and didn’t have normal distractions such as television and the internet to occupy their time. Just because my family had power back in two hours doesn’t take away from the fact that I had to wait until 1:00 pm to take a shower that day.
You’re probably thinking, “Well, that was only one storm, you can’t blame me for the weather.” Yes, I can. I can’t count the number of football games I’ve tried to tailgate at after hearing your dumbass on the radio saying, “Oh, it’s going to be in the 70s and sunny today…” only to get out to the stadium in the middle of a thunderstorm with nothing but my Polo and Rainbows on. Or you’ll say it’s going to thunderstorm, so I show up at the game with my gore-tex jacket, duck boots, and gore-tex pants (that I have absolutely no real use for) and then it ends up being 87 degrees and sunny and I just end up looking like a jackass standing out there in all my gear like I’m about to climb Mount Everest. You’ve made me look stupid for the last time, Greg. I found a template normally used for severe weather warnings so you might better understand what I’m saying.
THE NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE IN Inside the Beltline HAS ISSUED A
* CAREER ENDING WARNING FOR…
* UNTIL 5:15 PM EDT
* AT 4:19 PM EDT…NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE DOPPLER RADAR INDICATED A SEVERE CAREER ENDING MISTAKE CAPABLE OF PRODUCING UNEMPLOYMENT 2 MILES WEST OF CAMERON VILLAGE…MOVING EAST AT 40 MPH.
*IF YOU ARE CAUGHT ON CAMERA NOT INFORMING ME OF THE CORRECT WEATHER CONDITIONS…SEEK SHELTER IN A NEARBY JOB SEARCHING WEBSITE. AS A LAST RESORT…SEEK SHELTER UNDER YOUR DESK AND COVER YOUR HEAD WITH YOUR HANDS.
*THE SAFEST PLACE TO BE DURING A CAREER ENDING WEATHERMAN REPORT IS AWAY FROM ANY CAMERAS OR RECORDING EQUIPMENT. IF NO AREAS ARE SAFE FROM CAMERAS OR RECORDING EQUIPMENT..SEEK SHELTER ON THE LOWEST FLOOR OF THE BUILDING IN AN INTERIOR HALLWAY OR ROOM SUCH AS A CLOSET. USE BLANKETS OR PILLOWS TO COVER YOUR BODY AND GET USED TO THESE BEING YOUR ONLY POSESSIONS ONCE YOU’VE BEEN TERMINATED FROM YOUR JOB AND ARE LIVING ON THE STREETS.