Over the last two weeks, Robin has made me realize that there is a serious problem with this blog. You guessed it, it’s free. Any literate commoner or gel head can get on the internet and read about my life and then try to emulate all the elitist shit I do. The last thing I need is a bunch of commoners trying to be me. There’s nothing I’m more opposed to than handouts, especially handouts of ITB knowledge to the unworthy (poor people). Forrest told me that he has to pay a monthly fee for a lot of the websites he goes to, but I couldn’t figure out how to set something like that up. After realizing that I couldn’t make people pay to read my site in the same way that Forrest has to pay for certain websites, I decided that publishing a book would be the best way to prevent poor people from reading about me. The only problem is that I’ve never really been a big fan of books. There are too many words and not enough insecure girls to take down. Plus, I was never really good at reading and I actually didn’t learn how to read until I was 9 years old. No, this wasn’t due to any of the learning disabilities that I claim to have in order to get prescription drugs and extended time on tests. I was just lazy and never saw a real benefit to reading. Finally, my parents offered to pay me for each book I read (of course I just read the CliffsNotes and took their money anyway) and I tore through the Bookmobile the next time it came to Lacy.

While preventing commoners from finding out sacred ITB knowledge, this book will also help me become a more famous socialite. I’ve heard of famous people writing their “memoirs” but I don’t know what that means, so I’ll probably just do an autobiography. At first I thought a book about all the ITB SUVs might be boring to some, although a lot has gone on in the back of my Tahoe, in the front seat of my Tahoe, on the console of my Tahoe, on the roof of my Tahoe and so on. Then Forrest explained that I just needed to write about my own life. I thought about doing an ITB version of those “Choose Your Own Adventure” books but the reader would always end up at Felson’s, so it wouldn’t really be that suspenseful. Writing a book detailing my life is the first step to achieving my new goal of becoming a famous socialite.

I haven’t always wanted to be a famous socialite. I’m perfectly content with just being an ITB socialite. However, I now know that becoming famous is the only solution to some recent problems that my parents have created for me. According to them, my “reckless spending” and the “fact that I don’t understand the value of money” has really taken a hit on my bank account. Don’t worry, I still have my 2nd trust fund, but my douchebag parents aren’t going to just let me have it anymore. They said if I’m not “gainfully employed” with a real job by the time I’m 30, they’re going to give half of my hard earned inheritance to my sister. I confronted them about this and stated the obvious, “Mom, Dad, you can throw around your big accounting words like “gainfully employed” but I do have a job. Do you think it’s easy being a socialite? You should be proud of me for not having to go to rehab (yet). Also, I write a blog, so I’m an author, which is a job.” They quickly disagreed, “Your blog isn’t even funny, has cost us thousands of dollars in lawsuits, and your mother’s terrified that her friends will find out about it and kick her out of garden club, yes the GARDEN CLUB!” That was low. I countered with, “But LC from The Hills is a socialite and her shitty book is #1 on the NY Times best seller list!” Confused, they asked, ”Who the hell is LC? What is the Hills? North Hills? What are you on right now?” Clearly, comparing myself to LC wasn’t going to help my argument. It was time to divert the attention from myself and throw my sister under the bus. I reminded them that Mary Ivy Laura is just going to marry rich and be a stay at home mom who plays tennis at the club and shops at North Hills and Cameron Village all day after her fashion career inevitably fails. They didn’t think anything was wrong with that and stood by their ultimatum. I tried again, “But the words “fashion” and “career” should never be used in the same sentence. What the hell am I supposed to do? Get a real job and contribute to society? Why can’t I be a socialite/author?” Confident that I had outsmarted them, I was taken aback by their response. “At least we can be proud that your sister is going to do something respectable and fail at it. We won’t continue to support your foray into some ridiculous socialite lifestyle. Even though it’s eerily similar to how you currently live your life, it isn’t a real job,” they replied. So unless I get a job by the age of 30, my sister will now get 75% of my 2nd trust fund since my parents are now certain that I don’t “understand how the world works” because I think being a socialite is a job. UN-believable. I was left with no choice. No, I’m not going to get a “real” job, that’s retarded. I’m just going to become a famous socialite by writing a book and getting my own reality tv series. When my parents realize I’m a famous socialite, as opposed to just a Raleigh socialite, they’ll have to consider me “gainfully employed”. Also, when I’m famous I won’t even have to rely on my 2nd trust fund anyway.

In order to become a famous socialite, I spent all weekend analyzing the current famous socialite market by watching The Hills, TMZ, and reading Perez Hilton while battling a hangover. Through my research I’ve found that there is a huge need for a male socialite who is out of touch with reality. If the sexist liberal media wasn’t so sexist people like me would get a chance to show the world just how arrogant I really am. All we ever hear about is female socialites such as Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan with a nip slip here or trip to rehab there. Hell, if that’s all it takes to become famous I’ll go commando one night at Felson’s while wearing my ridiculously short Patagonia shorts. How bout dem apples? The only real competition I have is from my newfound hero, Spencer Pratt, star of “The Hills” on MTV. It’s like I’ve finally found someone who “gets me”. There’s no reason I can’t be as self absorbed as he is. From the Venn diagram below you can obviously see that we are almost exactly alike (except he doesn’t live ITB).

I’ve got a lot to learn from Spencer. As you can see from the above video, he currently demands a minimum $100,000 appearance fee from the bars or clubs he attends. As terrible as this sounds, I’m actually going to have to spend a few nights at some bars downtown if I want to be noticed as a famous socialite. Unfortunately, after calling a few of the clubs downtown, I’ve found that not only can they not afford to pay me to attend their bar, but they had never even heard of me. I’m assuming that’s only because none of the people who work at the bars downtown can read. I’m sure that once I start bringing in all the paparazzi, they’ll start paying me. I’ll make sure not to speak to any of the other patrons while I’m there. This isn’t because I’m afraid of new places and people who aren’t exactly like me, it’s just that I’ll need to show everyone that I’m a famous socialite by refusing to converse with anyone who doesn’t at least have a reality show on basic cable.

Even though I’ll probably have my own reality series within the next month or so, I need to generate some “buzz” immediately. That’s why I’m hiring Forrest to follow me around Cameron Village and take pictures of me eating at Village Deli or shopping at Harris Teeter. Once other photographers see this, they’ll assume I’m a celebrity and then I’ll have the paparazzi following me around while I do everyday stuff. It’ll be like “Jon and Kate Plus 8″, but without the kids and that hideous Mom that’s always with them. This being famous thing is going to be easier than taking a girl home from the bar after telling her who I am (as if she doesn’t already know).

Don’t worry, ITB Insider will continue to go on as normal. I’m just writing this book so poor people can’t read my life stories and live vicariously through me. I’ll just have to make sure I don’t post anything that is too sacred on this blog. Also, since LC from The Hills has the #1 book on the NY Times best seller list, writing my book will obviously catapult me to at least C-level celebrity status. I’ll go into more detail on the book after I meet with my new agent.

Note: A few people were asking me what “Id” is in the Venn diagram. It basically describes Spencer and I perfectly. “The id is responsible for our basic drives such as food, water, sex, and basic impulses. It is amoral and egocentric, ruled by the pleasure–pain principle; it is without a sense of time, completely illogical, primarily sexual, infantile in its emotional development, and will not take “no” for an answer.”