Yesterday, I spent two hours driving up and down Dan Allen Dr. picking out girls that could come to Felson’s with me in the same way that rock stars pick out which girls get to come backstage. To my surprise, a lot of these girls showed up at the bar last night before I even had a chance to send them a formal invitation. Forrest and I arrived at Felson’s around 10:30pm to check out Old Habits because bluegrass music is so fuckin’ cool right now (even though I don’t know what bluegrass music is). We posted up in a booth and what occurred over the next two hours was nothing short of a disaster. We noticed a significant number of people we’d never seen before. Among other things, these foreigners ruined multiple laps that I was trying to take around the bar (by spending most of the night walking around aimlessly), slowed down my bar service (by asking for a drink menu), and decreased Forrest’s chances of hooking up (by not immediately slutting it up on the dance floor). Strike one, two, and three, you’re fuckin’ out. Forrest and I were infuriated and began drinking heavily to deal with our problems. Now, I’m all for pro-choice, as long as we’re talking about the choice between going to Felson’s at 11:00pm or 11:30pm. People should have the right to make such a monumental decision on their own and shouldn’t be rushed into making a hasty decision in the back alley of their sorority house or upscale apartment complex. However, there are some rules that must be put in place to prevent this new class of talent from making poor decisions and ruining my bar experience. In order to prevent this from ever happening again, Forrest and I have come up with an open letter to these newcomers that includes a list of rules that must be followed if they’re going to attend the same bar that we do.

Dear foreigners,

A new school year is upon us and it’s time to address those of you who are thinking about making the transition from Crowley’s to Felson’s. For all of you newcomers who aren’t familiar with either establishment, Felson’s is located in the Greenlight district of Raleigh. While the morals and values found in the Greenlight district resemble those found in the Redlight district of Amsterdam, the only thing that matters in the Greenlight district is the color of money. I’m sure you’ve all heard stories about this hallowed establishment and have been counting down the days until you look old enough to pass for 18. While I hate newcomers, I think we’ll get along just fine if you follow some rules that Forrest and I came up with last night. What we refer to as “The 24 Commandments” are listed below.

Girls:
1.) If I get drunk enough to decide to talk to you, don’t tell me where you’re from. If you do, I’ll openly judge you for being from a small town and you’ll walk away in tears. I already don’t like that you’re in my presence, I don’t need you rubbing it in that I still have to deal with outsiders.
2.) When you give me your number (you will) put your full name in my iPhone. I don’t want to waste my valuable Saturday couch time looking through 3,000 Jennifers when I’m Facebook stalking you the next day.
3.) Avoid asking me questions that are unrelated to me. I don’t care about anything else.
4.) Don’t ask for a drink menu. When I buy you drinks, it goes like this; I order shots, Forrest distracts you for 5 seconds, I give you your shot, you get hammered, and then leave with me.
5.) Don’t ask me for drugs. I probably already did them and I was taught early on in life not to share with others.
6.) If this is your first time, don’t just sit there. Get on the dance floor and slut it up, it’s the only way you’ll fit in.
7.) If your drink tastes funny, you didn’t get it from me.
8.) You’ll need GPS on your phone because I’m not taking you home in the morning. I don’t run a bed and breakfast, it’s more of a “bed and get the fuck out I’ve got to make my tee time at the Club”. (Note: I probably don’t have a tee time, but I keep my golf clubs in my room so I can have a reason to tell you to leave when I wake up. This prevents you from trying to hang around in my room watching shitty reality shows on E! hoping that I’ll get up and take you to lunch. Keep dreaming.)
9.) When you take a lap, make sure you start at the upper bar and go counterclockwise. I don’t need you fucking up my flow. By the time I’m hammered, instinct takes over and, depending on what I’m on that night, I automatically enter either my Lazy River mode (slowly staggering around, using the bar as a handrail, slurring “cuse…..me” as I pass by you) or my Pinball mode (bouncing off of anything in my way, spilling drinks and leaving a trail of destruction in my wake) while traveling counterclockwise around the bar.
10.) Don’t talk to me unless you’re on the pill. Even though Planned Parenthood is programmed into the GPS on my SUV, I’m not going to risk getting my seventh DUI the next morning while driving your ass over there.
11.) Last call is just a suggestion. If you’re with me and Forrest, plan to continue drinking at the bar until at least 3:00am.
12.) You’re not allowed to come to the bar from somewhere downtown, unless you went downtown with the understanding that by 12:30am (at the latest) you would be catching a cab or drunk driving to Felson’s. I don’t need any downtowners trashing the place up.
13.) Your dress must be short, allowing for easy access on the dance floor. Pants are frowned upon.
14.) If you don’t like jager bombs, then you’re not going to like the shot I just bought you. Don’t complain, I basically just gave you $7. Deal with it.
15.) You must be on the dance floor within 30 minutes of arriving. Standing around having intellectual conversations about what classes you are taking and what you want to major in are unacceptable. A.) I don’t care and 2.) Opinions are unattractive, so be sure to leave them at home or save them for one of those bars where you can hear what other people are saying when you’re talking to them.
16.) When Forrest grinds on you on the dance floor, embrace it, don’t walk away with a look of disgust on your face.
17.) If a group of girls looks like they are having a better time than you and your friends, your group must go take a round of shots and try to out-slut the other girls on the dance floor. Competition is encouraged. This is capitalism, not Russia.
18.) Be sure to bring $20 for the cab ride home the next morning. I’m not taking you home.
19.) If I do anything to offend you, sorry for partying. Don’t think this is an apology. Think of it as more of a “I don’t give a shit about your personal space, what are you going to do about it?”. “Sorry for partying” just allows me to do the exact same thing that I did to offend you the next time I see you out. You think I’m going to waste time learning from my mistakes?
20.) Don’t go upstairs, unless you’re invited.
21.) Late night is a privilege, not a right. When asked if you want to go to late night, your answer should always be “yes”. If you have a boyfriend, he can take a cab home.

Guys:
1.) When Forrest or I begin to hit on your girlfriend on the dance floor, deal with it. Just walk away knowing that you’re dating (for now) a girl worthy of our time.
2.) If we’ve never met you, you’re allowed to buy us shots with the understanding that we’ll walk away at any point of the conversation because you a.) aren’t a girl and b.) aren’t ordering a second round of shots immediately after the first. I don’t need new friends, but thanks for the shot.
3.) Some of you may think that these rules don’t apply to you since you’re from Raleigh, even though you’re OTB. If we don’t know you it doesn’t matter how many times you show up and pretend to be one of us by getting in fights in the parking lot, talking shit, and spending your parents’ (new) money. You still aren’t welcome.

Following these rules will ensure that you and, more importantly, I can coexist without me having to spend the entire night bitching and moaning about how much I hate commoners before talking shit to you and getting the bouncers to throw you out. If I’ve missed anything, I trust that the veterans will add to these rules in the comments section below.