Since the economy is so shitty (thanks a lot, Obama), I’ve had to turn to other sources for funding my ITB renovation. It’s tough to find time between being a socialite, taking a four day weekend after the three day Labor Day weekend, enjoying the start of football season, and getting blackout to actually search for new financing. Luckily, a cab driver put me in touch with Joel Kone, who needs me to help him move funds from his country. I e-mailed him a few weeks ago and still hadn’t heard back from him. On the way to Forrest’s lake house last weekend, I was constantly checking my e-mail to see if my new source of income had replied to my e-mail. As I was wrapped up in worrying about myself, I paid no attention to Forrest’s bitching and moaning about how we had to be careful not to break anything in his Dad’s “Trophy Room”. He realized I wasn’t listening and became agitated.

“Hey! I’m serious, we can’t fuck around with anything in the trophy room. My Dad will murder me, literally.”
“Uh-huh.” I replied, as I continued to hit the “refresh” button on my iPhone, hoping a new message would appear.
“What the hell are you doing? I’m not joking, pay attention,” he demanded.
“Christ, Forrest, I’m checking my fucking e-mail for a reply from the African guy who is going to give me a shit ton of money. Why would I want to go in the fucking “trophy room” anyway? Making money from being a famous socialite doesn’t happen overnight and writing a book is taking a lot fucking longer than I expected. I need new funding for my ITB renovation as soon as possible. Last weekend at Felson’s was too much for me to handle,” I explained.
“First, you will get drunk and ass it up in the trophy room, trust me. Second, what happened to Victor? You said he was going to give you millions? This African guy is small time shit,” he responded.
“I don’t fucking know what happened to Victor. He never responded to my last e-mail,” I said.
“Really? He was blowing you up there for a while, sending e-mails every day, right? Are you sure he hasn’t responded?” he asked.
“I know how to use my fucking e-mail, Forrest. I would know if Victor tried to e-mail me,” I said, agitated at such a retarded question.
“Well, did you check your spam folder?” he asked.
“Uh, I don’t use spam, retard. I have Gmail, I’m not poor.” I answered.
“Spam isn’t something that you use, retard. Gmail blocks e-mails that they think are junk mail, also called “spam”, and sends them to your spam folder. You’ve never checked it have you? Idiot,” he explained.

Hoping to call his bluff, I started searching through my phone for this imaginary “spam folder” he spoke of. Shit. He was right. While looking through the spam folder, my feeling of embarrassment dissipated, and then turned to rage, as soon as I realized that Gmail had been preventing me from capitalizing on numerous investment opportunities.

Click to enlarge.

After searching through pages of e-mails telling me that I had won a British lottery or asking if I could be beneficiary to someone, I came upon an e-mail from Victor.

“What……….the………..fuck….,” I shouted.
“Told you,” Forrest said, smugly.
“This is unfuckingbelievable. I just assumed he had died after not hearing back from him. It turns out he e-mailed me months ago with more instructions,” I said.
“Well, what’s it say?” Forrest asked.

I began to read his latest e-mail, which is a response to the message I sent him over a year ago. 

From: Victor Achums
Date: Sat, July 11, 2009 at 3:04 AM
Subject: Urgent and Reply Me
To: William Needham Finley IV

My Dear William,

Thanks for your good effort towards this transaction. Listen good, Are you ready to come to Canada Toronto in person so that i will move the said fund through Diplomatic Luggage from London.

The said fund will be well package inside a consignment,The Diplomat who will deliver the Luggage is not aware the real cointent of the Luggage.

As you can see there is nothing to worry or fear about everything is in control and intact, you dont have to involve anyother third party till you recieve the said fund in your private account, About the Diplomat arrival, I will involve My Representative who will withness the handover of the Luggage to you, My Representative is a proffessional banker an expert, He will help you to lodge the fund into the non residence account you will open as the rightfull beneficiary of the fund.

This is the only opportunity for me and you to secure this fund to your private account and this is a top secret deal between me and you,As a matter of urgency Kindly inform me the day you will arrive Toronto Canada so that i will conclude my arrangement with the Diplomat who will deliver the Luggage.

I will send the vital documents that will secure by my attorney that back you up for claim tomorrow when the Documents will be ready.

I am waiting for your flight shedule to Canada.

Regards
Mr.Victor Achums

“Looks like we’re going to Canada,” I exclaimed.
“No, I’m not going to Canada. No way. Haven’t you seen all that shit about the healthcare they’ve got? If we go up there, they’ll try to force their healthcare on us and ruin our lives,” he replied.
“Are you retarded? No, seriously, are you fucking retarded?” I asked.
He paused to think this over.
“We’re going to be there on vacation, we aren’t citizens, we weren’t born on their continent. Plus, their healthcare makes it easy as shit to buy prescription drugs that we can bring back ITB,” I continued.
“Fine. That doesn’t sound right……but I’ll go anyway,” he replied.

Realizing that Victor was still alive, I responded immediately. To be safe, I thought it best to reply in broken English, as I did with Joel Kone from Africa.

From: William Needham Finley IV
To: Victor Achums
Date: Thu, Sept. 10, 2009 at 12:12 PM
Subject: Re: Urgent and Reply Me

My Dear Victor,

Religious shit! I can’t believe you still live, Thank to God! I just found your e-mails go to spam account of wretched Gmail bastards who don’t desire our business dealings to be complete. I am not sure of reason for your e-mail to be sent to spam. Be careful, for I know of much theft of identity takes places on internet. Also, has your country experienced Y2K yet? I remember this causing large problems for Americans, so be of careful mind.

It be long times since we’ve talk, I hope that you still required assistance of me to move money from your country. I can travel to continent of Canada as soon as now. It is good thought idea to meet in small place that is Toronto. My agent of travel will reserved me tickets as quickly as can be. It will difficult for me to leave ITB, but if this is only way for me to accept $17,671,848.47, then I must overcome. Good idea of making Diplomat not aware of real contents of the luggage. You can only put trust in few people in this days and time. Also, thanks for include a professional banker to lodge the funds to my non-residence account.

I’m glad every of thing is in working out so beneficial. What date do you wish me to be Toronto, Canada?

Yours of true,
WNF IV

I spent the remainder of the car ride typing that e-mail on my phone while ignoring Forrest’s concerns about our trip to Canada. We arrived at the lake house and what happened over the next four days will have to be covered in a separate post next week. The good news is that Victor replied to my e-mail, almost immediately.

From: Victor Achums
Date: Thu, Sept. 10, 2009 at 5:34 PM
Subject: Urgent and Reply Me
To: William Needham Finley IV

My Dear William Needham,

Thanks for your mail update and your understanding towards this transaction.With God assistance everything is in control and intact. And every arrangement has been conclude that will move fund through Diplomatic Luggage from London to Canada

Mean while the fund is currently deposited in a remote area out of the capital city in a security firm. The actual content of the consignment is money (GBP 25.5 million pounds ), The money is in Usd ($100) bill and it is 2007 series with your name as the legal beneficiary and owner. You will meet the diplomat in Canada. i want you to recieve the money in cash in dollars equvallent so that you know that the business you are doing is geniue.

The timing is all depends on you.You are now the beneficiary of the fund and the money has been now registered with your name (William Needham Finley IV)

All the expenses for moving the consignment to Canada will be taken care of here by me. But,the clearing and the handlling charges of the diplomat with the bullion van that will convey the consignment to the bank will be paid by you in Canada.

View the attachment that the vital documents that cover you up as the sole beneficiary of the consignment.you have to feel free and recieve the consignment because everything about this arrangement is intact.

I wait for your flight shedule as you mention at your previous mail.

best regards,
Mr Victor Achums. 

 Click to enlarge.

So, Victor finally included some real documents, and I couldn’t help but notice the “Treasure, Gold and Diamond” part of the second certificate. I wonder if he sent me some of those diamonds from that Sierra Leone guy… I’ve been busy this past week trying to lock down this deal with Victor. It’s taken a lot of time and hard work; I even had to wake up before noon to go get my passport (which will be covered in another post). I’m also going to start working on these other business opportunities that Gmail considers “spam”. Some of them are in different languages, so I’ll just make my housekeeper translate them for me. But right now, I’ve got to go book my flight to Canada.