It’s over. The results are in and I am not the new Mayor of Raleigh. For the first time in my life, I’ve lost at something. Even my parents couldn’t arrange for me to win this, like when they used to pay off opposing Salvation Army league t-ball teams so my team could go undefeated four years in a row. If they had some prior notice they might have been able to pull it out and rig the election for me. I guess it was my fault for not deciding to run until the day of the election.

In case you missed it, it was a long and hard race that started at about 11:30am Tuesday morning when I went to vote for fellow ITBer Bonner Gaylord (congrats) and saw that I could write my name in for mayor. Had I realized this earlier, I would have started campaigning prior to the day of the election. After leaving the polls, I immediately called the Board of Elections to find out why I wasn’t on the ballot.

A woman answered, “Board of Elections, how may I help you?”
“I need to know why I’m not on the ballot for Mayor,” I demanded.
“Were you a candidate registered with the BoE?” she asked.
“Don’t get fancy on me with all your abbreviations. Why wasn’t I on the fucking ballot?” I repeated.
“Oh wait, is this about the Finley kid? Without the proper paperwork, you can’t be on the ballot. We already explained that to your friend Redwood or whatever his name was, a hundred times today.”
“Forrest Forrester?” I asked.
“Yeah that’s the guy. He’s a bit slow,” she replied
“I know, he’s a shitty campaign manager. But seriously, why is my name not automatically on all ballots dealing with ITB elections?”
“Because you didn’t fill out the paperwork,” she explained.
“You should have done that for me! Start boxing up the pictures of your ugly grandchildren and kitten cubicle wall calendars, bitch. You’ll be fired by the end of the day.” I threatened, before hanging up. I called Forrest and demanded that he call his Dad, who used to be on the Board of Elections, and find out how to fire this bitch while I continued my campaign. Figuring I should use Twitter to get my message out, I began sending out the following messages to my supporters:

11:31 AM Oct 6th from @WNFIV
Voters: write in “WNF IV” for mayor and fill in the circle on the write in line. Don’t wanna deal with any hanging chad bullshit.

1:31 PM Oct 6th from @WNFIV
Campaign Promise: I’ll jägerbomb-board all gel heads until they confess to being huge tools. Write in “WNF IV” when you vote today

3:59 PM Oct 6th from @WNFIV
Campaign Promise: Rerouted beltline will exclude Western Boulevard of Broken Dreams and Trailwood of Tears. Write “WNF IV” in for mayor

4:20 PM Oct 6th from @WNFIV
RT @ourkitchensink: Governator urged to shut down hooker rating site http://bit.ly/S1wwz Great, now what am I supposed to use?

4:25 PM Oct 6th from @WNFIV
I probably shouldn’t be talking about my propensity for hookers on election day. Either way, write in “WNF IV” for mayor.

8:58 PM Oct 6th from @WNFIV
Waiting for the election results to come in. I think I’ve got a good chance. Thanks to those who wrote in “WNF IV” for mayor

10:09 PM Oct 6th from @WNFIV
RT @Gariond: @WNFIV A potential 115 votes. Too bad there was no booth at Felson’s. http://tinyurl.com/y97hl8h – I should have won.

10:20 PM Oct 6th from @WNFIV
Looks like I only got 115 votes. http://tinyurl.com/y97hl8h Maybe I should have started campaigning before election day.

10:32 PM Oct 6th from @WNFIV in reply to ncsulilwolf
@ncsulilwolf @gogoraleigh thanks for the campaign help. We’ll get em next time. I don’t need to be mayor to get what I want done.

Thanks to @ncsulilwolf and @gogoraleigh for your support. Many voters indicated that, had there been a booth at Felson’s, I would have won by a landslide. Nevertheless,  my 115 votes weren’t enough to defeat Mayor Meeker. I guess he ran a good race, although I didn’t even know that he was up for re-election. Forrest and I called it quits and went to the bar for an election wrap up party.

While I was drinking my sorrows away, I overheard someone say that the mayor only gets paid $15,000 a year. That’s when I realized I didn’t give a shit about being mayor anymore. You see, the mayor has to take care of the whole city, which is kinda shitty in some parts. My goal is to cut those parts out, so I began to focus on the important areas, mainly just inside the beltline. As I watched the election coverage, I discovered that District D encompasses the only things that are important to me, Cameron Village, Felson’s, Village Deli, Harris Teeter, and Broughton. Sure enough, some dude named Thomas Crowder had just been re-elected to serve on the City Council and represent District D.

Forrest started doing some background checks on his iPhone and we found out that Thomas Crowder attended Broughton High school, didn’t attend college, became an apprentice or some shit, and then became an architect, despite not having any formal education. It’s great that he went to Broughton, but I’ve heard that he didn’t even graduate from high school. It’s totally acceptable to not graduate from college and then take over for your family business. But (possibly) not graduating from high school? That’s not ITB, that’s just poor as shit. I wonder if he even knows how to read. “Aren’t you worried he’s going to read this and sue you?” Forrest asked me earlier today. No, for two reasons; 1.) My lawyers are fucking gold and can get me out of anything. 2.) I doubt he can even read, he didn’t go to college, and might not have graduated high school.

Here’s some more information that Forrest found. At almost every city council meeting Crowder mentions his ties to the Joel Lane House, he’s been accused of holding closed meetings, and he’s a fake architect. He claims his family has been here since the Joel Lane house, but since I have no fucking idea what that is, I’m not impressed. Closed meetings are pretty bad ass, but he has them with poor uneducated people from South Raleigh. Everyone knows closed meetings are supposed to only include wealthy old guys that don’t give a shit about anyone else’s “problems”. The only reason these poor heathens from South Raleigh go to those meetings is because they think someone cares about what they have to say (no one does). Crowder probably feels comfortable in that setting since he’s as uneducated as they are and knows there’s no one in the room who is smarter than he is. I imagine that Crowder attending those meetings is probably pretty similar to Corky from “Life Goes On” teaching Gilbert Grape how to do algebra.  I’m assuming that in the end it’s all just a bunch of noise and no one knows what’s going on or why they are there in the first place. I should aplogize to Corky for comparing him to the South Raleigh retards. That’s not fair. He’s much smarter than they are. At least he figured out how to get an acting deal.

Despite possibly being retarded, the main problem I have is that Crowder isn’t doing enough to protect Broughton and ITB. Both have been overrun by commoners over the last few years. Maybe his allegiance isn’t that strong, since he may not have graduated. Since I refuse to let this commoner represent me, I am now declaring my intention to run for District D City Council in the next election.

Running a dirty campaign is the only way to get elected, so I plan to start now. I’ll work on some robocalls that tell everyone Crowder fathered an illegitimate OTB baby. Sure none of it will be true, but people will believe it. I believe anything I hear that’s negative about someone I don’t like, as long as I see it in a mass forwarded email, read it on a blog, or hear it from a friend. If people are like me, they’ll spread the message on, positive that what they’ve heard or read is 100% fact. I mean, come on, it was on the Internet it’s GOT to be true.

However, robocalls aren’t going to be enough to pull out a victory. Events that have occurred over the past month have made me realize that I need to have an outburst directed towards a public figure if I want to gain support. After Joe Wilson made his comments to Obama he raised $2 million for his campaign. Kanye West got tons of publicity after raping Taylor Swift’s acceptance speech at the MTV VMAs. Therefore, I’m going to take on Thomas Crowder and his supporters with the hope that I either raise more money for my Beltline Renovation Fund or become more famous from all the publicity. Luckily, I found the perfect way to accomplish this last night while watching Crowder YouTube videos. Below is a video of Crowder supporters. I’ve commented on each supporter in the order that they appear, so you should be able to watch the video and follow along.

 

1st Guy – Boylan Heights? Really? That’s not even going to be ITB when I re-route the beltline. “Problems”? You mean crime….

2nd Gay – Uh, I don’t think this election has anything to do with gay rights, so you should probably just move on to something else. “Unique character” = flamboyant shit I do with my boyriend.

3rd Girl – “Thomas, uh, wait….what was my line?” Good job. Another reason women shouldn’t try to act. Just sit there and look hot, which this girl didn’t even do a good job of.

4th Girl – “Game provision”? What is game provision? I think this bitch meant “gang prevention”, in which case I support the ending of gangs by supplying them all with guns. They’ll eventually take care of themselves.

5th Guy – Why’d this guy get so much screen time? Kind of creepy, especially all that talk about “passion”. Innuendo…

6th Guy – “I’m a landlord” also means “I’m in my 50s and I sit around smoking pot all day collecting rent checks from college students that I also sell drugs to. Please don’t arrest me, I’ll vote for you.”

7th Guy – This dude keeps talking about his husband. Weird.

8th Guy – Gel head commoner. “He’s an architect” so he has a “clear understanding of what we here in Raleigh want our city to be.” That’s real sound logic. So if someone is a bar owner they should have a clear understanding of how to run other bars? That’s clearly not the case……

9th Guy – I think this guy is drunk.

10th Guy – I find it creepy anytime someone over the age of 10 uses the word “play”. Someone call Chris Hansen before this guy gets within 50 feet of an elementary school.

11th Guy – Here’s the gay guy again. Now he wants to make Dorthea Dix a “world class park”. Yeah, that shitty strip of land between Western Blvd. of Broken Dreams and South Saunders is really going to be a tourist destination for world travelers.

12th Guy – Here’s the Passion of the Crowder dude again. Notice the emphasis on “Thomas works for …ME…..” Again, very creepy.

13th Guy – .GREAT job reading your lines, man. Really, give this guy an Emmy. I imagine the shoot went something like this:

(13th Guy screws up his lines for the tenth time)
Director: Stay off the fucking set man. For fuck-sake. You don’t fucking understand what it’s like working with directors, that’s what that is.

13th Guy: Uh, I’ve never done this before. I’m sorry.

Director: Ohhhhh, goooood for you.  And how was it?  I hope it was fucking good, because it’s useless now, isn’t it?

13th Guy: I’m….not sure. I don’t know what’s going on.

Director: You’re a nice guy, but that don’t fucking cut it when you’re bullshitting and fucking around like this on set.

13th Guy: But…..I’m just trying to read the lines.

Director: Seriously man, you and me, we’re fucking done professionally.

14th Girl – Taxes? Women don’t know shit about growth or the economy, especially taxes. Why would Crowder think people would listen to this lady talk about taxes?

15th Girl – Really? The chick in the dress with leaves on it, indie glasses, and a dyke haircut is with the Sierra Club? Didn’t see that coming…..

16th Guy – Jesus Christ, the gay again – Spark Con? What the fuck is that?

17th Girl – Right at the 2:16 mark…..Freudian slip!!!! “That’s what makes me feel common…er..comfortable…” Right there, that’s what I’m talking about. Having Crowder on the Council is just creating more commoners.

18th Group of stupid kids and a lady prompting them to sound out the words on the cue cards because they’re too dumb to read. Thomas helped save your library? Obviously not, if you barely made it through your one line. I’ve been over this time and time again, libraries are for poor people, there’s no use for them inside the beltline.

19th Girl – Here’s the Freudian commoner – Oh, she supports Thomas.

20th Gay guy – No surprises here.

Continued montage of all the losers supporting Crowder ending with a group shot of kids. If this doesn’t make you pro-abortion, I don’t know what does.

As you can see, it is imperative that I become the District D City Council representative. This way I can focus on what we need, not what some poor asshole down the road needs. My plan calls for an HDTV in every room and an SUV in every garage.  I still don’t know what my campaign promises will be or how I plan to win, but that can all be worked out later. Once elected, Bonner and I should be able to rule over ITB with an iron fist, wearing a Rolex watch and our Broughton class rings (since we graduated).