William Needham Finley IV was found dead in his home inside the beltline this morning. Authorities say that Finley IV died at approximately 4:15am from a deadly cocktail of ecstasy, HGH (human growth hormone), Red Bull, and Jagermeister.

Authorities have found evidence that Finley IV had returned from New Jersey earlier that day. Records show that on his 7 hour flight from the Jersey Shore to RDU he consumed upwards of 24 liquor drinks, before being cut off by the Air Marshall. Finley IV arranged for White Horse to pick him up from the airport, at which point he went directly to a bar called Felson’s and began drinking by himself. One bartender who witnessed the downward spiral said, “Yeah, he’s in here every weekend, so I didn’t think it was strange to see him on a Wednesday night. He kept muttering something about the guidos coming and how he needed to build a “real wall, not like that lousy Berlin Wall shit” to keep out the commoners. I just kept serving him because he usually tips me 100%.”

Authorities searched through Finley IV’s home, inside the beltline, and found maps of Raleigh, bottles of hair gel, graphic t-shirts, and printed out Wikipedia entries on tanning beds, electric fences, raves, house music, and chloroform. Finley IV’s most recent Google searches revealed the following, “how to kill guidos and get away with it”, “flights to New Jersey”, “why did the Berlin Wall fail?”, “DJ Pauly D’s home address”, “does liking Dancing with the Stars make me gay?”, “when is the Chick-Fil-A in Cameron Village going to fucking open?”, “how to do a guido or gel head genocide”, “hotel Rwanda”, “why does Facebook keep changing their layout”, “when is the Saved By the Bell reunion?”, “how to make guido internment camps”, “William Needham Finley IV”, “did Snooki kill someone in high school?”, “how to get into sex rehab with the hottest celebrities”, “what are guidos allergic to?”, “do guidos have souls?”, “why do people think World Beer Fest is fun? It sounds hella gay to me”, and “how many jager bombs does it take to kill a guido?”.

Police also found hand written letters, addressed to a “DJ Pauly D”, that professed Finley IV’s obsession with “beating up that beat” and included an offer of $50,000 for one night of “DJ Pauly D’s spinning services”. His iTunes playlist was set up to repeat songs by the artist Girl Talk, a semi-famous DJ who’s songs resemble that of an 8th grade cheerleading routine, which is also similar to Jock Jams.

“Yeah, this shit is straight outta A Beautiful Mind. Kid thought these “guidos” were coming in from the North to take over “his” city. From the crap we found in his room, most of the Google searches, these weird letters, and the maps of the beltline, it looks like he wanted to set up some sort of trap and had a plan to get rid of these people,” noted one Raleigh police officer.

Childhood friend Forrest F. Forrester III was reached for comment. “William had spent the last four months undercover on the Jersey Shore, doing research for a book that he said was, “gonna blow the fucking lid off these fuckers”. In order to learn as much as he could about these guidos he had immersed himself in a world of GTL’n, going to clubs every night, experimenting with steroids, referring to certain nights based on the food he was cooking that night (Tuesday was Surf n’ Turf night), and determining the exact amount of Jager and Red Bull a guido could consume before blacking out. He had a paranoia that guidos and gel heads were trying to take over the world. He thought if he studied everything about them he could find a weakness and put a stop to it all. He was amazed at the success of the MTV reality show “Jersey Shore”, and was furious that MTV had turned him down time and time again after he pitched various reality shows, all based on life inside the beltline. I really don’t know what I’m going to do without him. He used to always make me hook up with the grenades (ugly girls) of the group. Now I guess I’ll get to hook up with hotter girls. Now that I think about it, this is kind of awesome.”

A funeral service will be held Saturday night at White Memorial. In lieu of flowers, please send donations, via Paypal, directly to William Needham Finley IV at raleighitb@gmail.com.

April Fool’s, shitheads. I may or may not have spent the last few months in sex rehab with Tiger. But once I realized that sex rehab is no different than a three night stand at Felson’s, I just came back ITB. Every socialite or famous person has to go into hiding or have a reclusive period in order to make an even bigger comeback. Bob Dylan after his motorcycle crash, Spencer and Heidi after last season of The Hills, Michael Jackson after he molested that fourth kid, and now me. There’s a lot that needs to be addressed around here, namely, the awesome decision to segregate our ITB schools again, the horrendous decision to remove the “inner” and “outer” signs from the beltline, how fucking stupid Bonner Gaylord is for letting Google name his kids (who cares if Raleigh gets this “super high speed” internet? I’m fine with paying more money so that only I can have this service. It’s not nearly as cool if everyone has it. That’s why Blackberrys aren’t cool anymore. They pretty much give those things out in cereal boxes now), the book deal I’m signing, and possibly the movie rights to my life story that I’m selling. The Lifetime network has been all over me for those movie rights, but I’m pretty sure they’ll just portray me as some sort of egomaniacal self-centered asshole that treats women like objects and is completely detached from reality, which I’m totally fine with. I’m heading to the lake with Forrest to get blackout this weekend. Check back next week for more updates.

I cannot express in words my obsession with Jersey Shore. I’ll get into that in another post, that recaps the entire season. Yes, the entire season. But there is some Jersey Shore related news going on in Raleigh. Namely,  Buckhead Saloon is closing. Don’t know what Buckhead is? Well then consider yourself a true ITBer. I know there are some of you who have had the misfortune of being dragged there at some point during its illustrious run as the hot spot for douchebags and community college sluts from the Trailwood of Tears. Basically, it’s miserable. Rumor has it that the space will be taken over by a Hip/Hop club, which is another reason I will never go downtown. Ever. My only concern is that the clientele from Buckhead may end up at Felson’s since Stool Pigeons, another gel head hangout, is also closed. That shitty Lucky B’s or 13’s or whatever the fuck it’s called and Brooklyn Heights can only hold so many miserable people at a time. Keep an eye out this weekend for anyone who doesn’t belong.

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Speaking of Trailwood of Tears douchebag gel heads, the Jersey Shore finale was pretty lame. I wasn’t paying too much attention because there was a lack of yelling, fist pumping, and people getting knocked out by “one shot! one shot!” on last night’s season finale. After Sammi retrieved Ronnie from jail, the cast basically went into their sentimental goodbye bullshit. I think some stuff happened with Snooki and some guy but I usually stop paying attention whenever she’s featured on camera, mainly because I don’t like to look at ugly people for an extended period of time. The after show was pretty intense. The Situation showed how much he really hated Ronnie as they exchanged some insults that were pretty humorous. The show was hosted by some dumb bitch that had obviously never hosted a reunion show, or any show, in her life. Sammi started to get quiet at one point and the host just kept prying and basically made her cry on the air. Even Ronnie commented, “this is awkward”. Sammi left the set as the host kept asking her if she was going to cry. I didn’t watch it all because I was flipping back and forth between that and Conan. But I dvr’d it so I’ll see it all this weekend.

While grieving about the show’s ending, someone sent me some information on renting the cast, as well as an idication that a second season is in the works. Yes, there is a possibility that we could pay for the cast of Jersey Shore to come ITB. It takes $30,000 for the whole cast to ”make an appearance” for one night, but who really wants the whole cast? I’m really only concerned with DJ Pauly D, The Situation, and Snooki (Forrest wants to bang her, so disgusting). I’m going to contact their agents and look into finding a good time for them to come get blackout with us. While I could probably cover the cost of having them down for a night, ideally I’d like them to stay ITB for a month. They would live in Cameron Village (someone suggested we turn Ballentine’s into an ITB “shore house” and let them stay there) and be required to attend The Point or Felson’s every night of the week. We’re going to need to raise a little bit of money, since I anticipate the cost of this to be upwards of $750,000. I’ll start working on this soon since there is now a huge hole in my Thursday night TV lineup. I guess I could always stay at home and watch what’s going on at The Point…