by William Needham Finley IV™

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William Needham Finley IV @WNFIV - page 8

William Needham Finley IV @WNFIV has 154 articles published.

ITBCS National Champions

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Congratulations to Jeremy Shelley and Alabama for winning the 2012 BCS National Championship game and improving the Broughton Wikipedia page! As you all know, any time that a Raleigh resident or Broughton graduate does something successful on a national level, that achievement automatically becomes something ITB can claim as a success.

If you didn’t watch, here’s a play-by-play of the entire game between Alabama and LSU.
1st Half
ITB 3, LSU 0 – 23-yard Shelley field goal
ITB 6, LSU 0 – 34-yard Shelley field goal
ITB 9, LSU 0 – 41-yard Shelley field goal
Halftime – A fan got to kick field goals to win a house or something. He didn’t even kick against a defense or have a holder and he still missed every single kick. That just shows how hard it is to kick field goals, especially if you didn’t go to Broughton. Also at halftime, ESPN proved that they’re run by a bunch of mouth breathers who didn’t want Broughton to get the credit it deserves.

Typical ESPN bias

2nd Half
ITB 12, LSU 0 – 35-yard Shelley field goal
ITB 15, LSU 0 – 44-yard Shelley field goal
ITB and Alabama 21 – LSU 0 – Trent Richardson TD
Final: ITB and Alabama 21 – LSU 0

At the end of the game I was ready to watch Shelley bring the MVP award back to ITB and Broughton. To my shock and horror, quarterback AJ McCarron won the MVP. If AJ McCarron were worthy of the MVP why didn’t he throw any touchdown passes? Shelley kicked 177 yards worth of field goals! If it weren’t for a garbage time Trent Richardson touchdown, Shelley would have scored ALL of the points in the entire game. I’m overriding this ridiculous decision and officially naming Jeremy Shelley the ITB MVP of the BCS National Championship game.

Even though ITB and Broughton now have a share of the college football national title, the BCS is still the biggest scam in sports. After reading Death to the BCS, I’ve learned that anyone can start a bowl and make tons of money from it. You can also make people think you’re giving money to charity since your bowl game is set up as a 501 (c)(3) and you don’t have to pay federal, state, and local taxes. But wait, there’s more. You’ll even get funding from the government to play your bowl game!

For example, in 2007 the Sugar Bowl (held in New Orleans) received $3 million in direct funding from the Louisiana state government. The bowl brought in $34.1 million in revenue and had $22.5 million of expenses. This resulted in an $11.6 million tax-free profit, including the $3 million it received from taxpayers. With all that profit there’s got to be a long list of charities that they gave to, right?

The Sugar Bowl gave $100,000 to help rebuild a park damaged by Katrina. They gave nothing else to charity. Nothing to the Katrina reconstruction efforts. Nothing to the New Orleans after school program. Nothing to Habitat for Humanity. They basically gave back $100,000 of the $3 million they took from Louisiana. (The following year, the state of Louisiana had a $341 million deficit.) It’s also worth noting that the amount of charitable contributions made by the Sugar Bowl as a percentage of revenue came to a staggering 0.29 percent.

Spending tons of money and creating “committees” to spend that money are key to having a successful bowl. The Sugar Bowl has a “committee on golf” and a “special subcommittee on ladies’ entertainment”. The Sugar Bowl spent:
$645,386 on compensation for the Executive Director (2009)
$494,177 on entertainment (2005)
$201,226 on gifts and bonuses (2007)
$114,666 on committee meetings (2006)
$46,017 on conference meetings (2006)

And it’s not just the Sugar Bowl. In 2003, bowl officials at the Music City Bowl spent $7,203 on an office miniature golf tournament. In 2012, an internal investigation into the Fiesta Bowl found expense reports filed for strip-club visits and extravagant birthday parties, which resulted in the dismissal of the chief executive and a nine count criminal indictment.

These facts eventually caused a bit of an uproar. So Derrick Fox, the CEO of the Alamo Bowl, appeared with ACC commissioner John Swofford in front of a House Energy and Commerce subcommittee in May of 2009. Fox was there on behalf of the BCS to let everyone know that the bowls were upstanding, charitable organizations. Records from the time of his testimony show that the approximate total payout to charities from bowl games was a combined $3.3 million. The tax-exempt bowls produced $186 million in revenue that year. Those bowls also ended their fiscal years with $141 million in net assets and $80 million in cash reserves. It’s worth noting that more than half of the $3.3 million given to charity came from two bowls, the Orange Bowl and the Chick-fil-A Bowl.

All of this is legal. We could be outraged at this, or we could take advantage of the system. That’s why I’m starting the ITB Bowl. The game will be held at Broughton’s football stadium. ITB Moms, who are great at spending other people’s money, will run the committees.  We’ll need a committee for player and fan gift bags, a committee for halftime entertainment, and a committee for the parade through Cameron Village. The parade will be led by the Broughton band, which has had plenty of practice in the Rose Bowl parade. Entry to the game will require a limited edition Caps pass that costs $10,000. We’ll obviously need to name Broughton’s football field after Jeremy Shelley before we hold the ITB Bowl.

At first I wanted Broughton to play a school like Leesville or Millbrook in the ITB Bowl. The only risk there is that we might lose the game. To prevent this from happening, I’ve decided that Broughton will play against itself. This is very similar to the ITB Olympics, where the swim team at the Club competes against itself so they don’t have to let any outsider kids into the pool. Plus, since Broughton is playing itself, all the players who normally ride the bench will get some playing time, impressing those parents who only love their kids based on their athletic achievements. It’s a win-win.

The ITB Bowl will surely generate millions in profit. And we’ll be sure to donate to many worthwhile local charities, such as:

The Raleigh/Wake Partnership to End and Prevent Homelessness
Team Chris Combs to Strikeout ALS
InterAct of Wake County
Me Fine Foundation
YMCA of the Triangle
Inter-Faith Food Shuttle

Stay tuned for more details on the ITB Bowl.

ITB+

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Google recently launched Google+, which is a social network, designed to compete with Facebook and Twitter. No one has taken the time to explain it to me, but from what I gather, Google+ consists of “Circles” that you put your friends in to, “Hangouts” for video chatting with your friends, and “Huddles” which allow you to send messages to a group of friends. There’s also a “Plus 1” feature, which is the equivalent of the “Like” button on Facebook.

Google+ – Now what do I do?

I’ve been “using” Google+ for a week and have realized that theses circles, where everyone is sharing and plus oneing each other, make it more of a socialist network than a social network. The sharing and caring within these circles completely defeats the purpose of having a social network that is exclusive, which was the reason Facebook was created at Harvard in the first place. Sure Harvard was already exclusive, despite not being inside the beltline, but Facebook took it to another level. Users were required to have a harvard.edu e-mail address to join, which made sure that they were only friends with people who were in college, that the girls they stalked on Facebook were at least 18 years old, and that they only associated with people in their same tax bracket. The alternative was MySpace, which was mainly used by people that didn’t go/couldn’t get in to college. Even as Facebook began to expand to other schools, their “.edu” joining requirement ensured an ITB-esque exclusivity amongst members. MySpace continued its OTB status, catering to drop outs that logged on using free Wifi in internet cafés.

Just when users thought their elite Facebook world was safe, the floodgates opened and anyone with an e-mail address, mouth breathing MySpace users included, could join. The addition of these former MySpace users made it too risky to stalk girls, knowing that half of them could be in middle school, or worse, that they could be poor. Facebook has since opened their doors to people in other countries, furthering our nation’s immigration problem.

The Google+ circles had the chance to restore the exclusivity and elitism that Facebook had lost. I quickly realized that Google+ totally blew it when I found out that users don’t know what circles their friends are putting them in or when they’ve been excluded from a circle. There’s no point in being exclusive if people don’t know they’re being excluded from something. That’d be like starting a free Country Club. There’s no point of joining if they let anyone join. I’m not going to play blades on the same course as someone I don’t know. Also, everyone is considered equal when you’re inside a circle, making it impossible to tell who the richest person is, or how important certain people are. Google+ does not provide the elitism that we need in a social network.

Google+ Circles – I have no idea how to use these.

In order to regain the lost exclusivity of Facebook, and inject some hierarchy into the egalitarian circles of Google+, I’m starting my own exclusive social network called ITB+ (pronounced “plus”, not “positive”. It’s a social network, not a blood type). Now, I’m not trying to compete with Mark Zuckerburg, I already know that I’m smarter than he is. I’m creating the exclusive ITB+ so that we can continue to only socialize with people we already know and grew up with. ITB+ features include:

ITB+ Beltlines – Instead of having an ITB circle jerk with those stupid Google+ circles, users will drag their friends inside different beltlines. You can see my beltlines below.

ITB+ Beltlines – They’re exclusive.

Other examples of beltlines could be; bartender friends that you don’t make eye contact with outside of the bar, friends from elementary school that got shipped off to prep school, etc. You can also rank your friends so you know who’s the most important in each beltline. Unlike Google+, users will know when they’ve been added to and excluded from a beltline. They’ll receive messages such as, “WNF IV added you to “Broughton” beltline. You’re in.” and “WNF IV started “The Club” beltline. You’re not allowed in.”

ITB+ Hangouts – group video chat, I don’t know why we need this, but it seems exclusive, because you probably need at least an iPhone 4 or iPad 2 to participate in a video chat.

ITB+ Games – users can play games instead of doing actual work at their jobs. Example: Cameron Villageville – similar to Facebook’s Farmville, but you manage Cameron Village. Be sure to watch out for those tenants that fail to pay their bills but still throw parking lot parties that draw huge crowds, literally 10’s of people.

ITB+ Huddles – I don’t need to send a group message to my friends to figure out my plans for the night. I know I’ll just see them out at Five Points every night. ITB+ Huddles are used when you have to send a mass text to get your friends to pick you up from whatever house you ended up at the night before.

ITB+ Market – All of your transactions will be recorded and posted to ITB+ Market. This allows your friends to see what you’ve purchased so that they can go out and buy the exact same thing, but in a different color of course.

To join, users will be asked a series of questions that only ITB people will know the answers to. This will prevent the kind of impostors who friend people they’ve never met on Facebook and then pretend to be from Raleigh. We won’t have to worry about poor people joining ITB+ because you’ll only be allowed to join by using a MacBook (or a PC that’s more than $1,200), iPad, iPhone 4, Blackberry, or other expensive toy. ITB+ will not allow users to sign in from places like the public library or coffee shops with free Wifi. Privacy shouldn’t be a concern since users have already learned everything about everyone else from the gossip that their parents pass down to them.

I’m expecting that ITB+ will become so successful that we’ll be able to have ITB secede from the rest of the internet within months. I’m sure I’ll come up with, or steal, some features from the other social networks to improve on ITB+. Feel free to share some ideas on how to make it as exclusive as possible.

Testimonials:
“On Facebook, I had to keep my profile set to my college network, even though I graduated 8 years ago, so that I could still stalk profiles of girls who are currently in college. With ITB+, I can stalk them while giving off the image that I’m a young professional!” – Test User

“Next to being blackout at Five Points, ITB+ is the best way to make sure I only go home with some strange that’s socially acceptable.” – Test User

“I was afraid of leaving my ITBHarmony.com dating profile, but ITB+ has so much more to offer. Now I can tell my friends that I’m not one of those pathetic people that join dating websites.” – Test user[hr]

Father’s Day

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Dear Dad,

I know you probably won’t like that this post is part of your Father’s Day gift, since you demanded that I “shut down this stupid website” six months ago. However, I think this is the perfect platform to thank you for all the great fathering you’ve done over the last 20 some odd years. In addition to this heartwarming post, I managed to keep my bar tab, that you pay for, under $500 this weekend and I’m also buying you an iPad 2, with your own credit card. I know you really didn’t like the first iPad I gave you, since you said it was “just a pointless toy that keeps you involved in that dumbass website you do”. But if you download the Flipboard app, and follow @WNFIV, you’ll be able to see all of my posts in magazine format, which makes ITBInsider look like a professional site, as opposed to something a “3rd grade moron designed” as you so eloquently put it. Hopefully, that will make you understand why it’s so important to me. So here’s the last part of your Father’s Day present.

Thank you for coaching my sports teams and letting me play any position that I wanted to, even though all of the other parents yelled at you constantly while I was in the game. I know you told Mom that, “Winning is more important than building his self-confidence. He needs to grow up and be a man instead of crying when he doesn’t get his way.” I’m glad she made you understand how to coach me when she reminded you that, “If you don’t let him play what he wants to he’s just going to throw his brand-new sporting equipment on the ground, begin to cry, then leave the field or court to go sit in the air condition SUV until the game is over.” I’m glad you two finally compromised, so I could brag when we won, but blame my teammates when we lost.

Thank you for letting me use your number at the Club. Lord knows I couldn’t afford my own membership on the measly $100 a week allowance you gave me at the age of 13. Plus, having a number in the 1400s really showed people how ITB we are.

Thanks for being my Boy Scout troop leader so I wouldn’t get molested. I remember you being reluctant to volunteer, until Mom expressed her concerns, “He already has enough problems, we don’t need to give him another reason to keep going to therapy. Hell, he’s probably going to be seeing that specialist until he’s 30.” Making me an honorary Eagle Scout at the age of 11, so you wouldn’t have to be a troop leader anymore, was a great idea. Can you imagine how long it would have taken to get all those stupid badges? We would have had to spend so much time together!

Thanks for favoring me over my whore of a sister, Mary Ivy Laura, even though you don’t outwardly show it. I’ll admit, there were times when I questioned my status as the favorite child. For example, when you paid for Mary Ivy Laura to live in New York during her two year “internship”, but refused to give me a dime after I spent 6 weeks living at Wrightsville beach the summer after my freshman year of college. This has been an impressive “long con” you’ve been pulling for the past 20 some years, but I know I’m the favorite child. I’m confident that when the time comes (when we divide up your will) I’ll be first in line.

Thanks for ensuring that I had a less than 5 year old SUV ready for me to drive the second I turned 16. Buying it when I was 15 and keeping it in the driveway as a reward for good grades was a good strategy, but we both knew how that was going to play out. Even though I got straight C’s, you caved in when Mom argued, “If we don’t give him a car we’re just going to have to deal with his bullshit even more. It’s the only way to get him out of the damn house,” as she poured another glass of wine. I thought it was odd that you placed stickers from colleges that were very far away on the rear window, as if you were attempting to influence my college decision or something.

Thank you for giving me a job even though I didn’t graduate from college and have no actual skills.  Thanks for giving me my own office after I annoyed everyone in the cubicles around me by laughing hysterically at the e-mail chains that Forrest and our friends kept running all day long. Thank you for letting me tell everyone that all I do is close seven figure deals and follow Phish shows, when in reality I don’t even have the signature authority to buy so much as a piece of paper for the office.

Thanks for not letting Mom enroll me in art classes, tap dancing lessons, and that musical that was put on by Theater In The Park. I totally agree that, “No son of mine is going to dress up and prance around on stage like a fairy.”

Thank you for allowing me to take drugs (Ritalin, then Adderall) at an early age. Even though you and Mom said it was the only way to get me to “act like a normal child, sit still, and shut the hell up”, I know you were just preparing me for the harder stuff.

Thanks for giving me the option of choosing which instrument would be used to “knock some sense in to me” after I had behaved inappropriately. Being able to choose one of your nice leather belts, instead of your 9 iron, made the punishment feel a lot more special. Belts are much more loving than 9 irons. The fact that you never let my sister receive that kind of hands on parenting really lets me know that I am the most important member of our family.

Thank you for bailing me out of jail and having a lawyer on retainer since I turned 15.

Thank you for not trying to have any children after you had me. I know that you told Mom, “We can’t do this again, this was a mistake,” meaning you didn’t want to have anymore children to take the attention away from me. I know that my younger sister was an accident, but it was still upsetting that I became a middle child. I forgive you.

Thanks for pulling strings to get me in to college. Dragging me along to dinner with the Dean of Admissions and instructing me not to say a word while you reminded him about all the favors he owed you, really showed me how pointless the SATs were. Offering him a donation for a new sports facility was a nice touch.

Thanks for being my alibi during the mansion fire. I know it was important that I had one, otherwise you would’ve had to pay $500,000 in hush money like our neighbors had to do.

Thanks for sending me to Camp Seagull all summer so you wouldn’t have to deal with me.

Thanks for putting down the down payment on my new house. I have no idea how people get $40,000 to put down without cashing in on their trust funds.

Thanks for the trust fund.

Thanks for the second trust fund for when I blow through the first one.

Thanks for not firing the housekeeper that time that I blamed her for hiding her drugs in my bottom left dresser drawer.

Thanks for paying all of my bills well in to my late 20s.

Thanks for not getting mad when I memorized your credit card number and went wild, spending $10,000 when online shopping was first invented in the mid-90s.

Thanks for never moving our family OTB.

Thanks for knowing all the other dads that own important places like Char-Grill, Cameron Village, Angus Barn, etc.

Thanks for understanding that Mom and I had a stronger bond during the first few years of my life. I know she felt partly responsible for some of my learning disabilities, attributing them to her increased alcohol consumption while carrying me, which was a result of having to deal with Mary Ivy Laura slutting it up when she was only 8 years old. Your strategy of totally ignoring me for those first few years gave Mom and I a lot of time to work through those issues.

I know you’re probably bawling your eyes out at how sentimental and heartwarming this gift is. I’m sure my whore of a sister’s gift won’t come close to eliciting that type of reaction. Especially after last year, when she got you that stupid book that was autographed by your favorite author, a 50 year old bottle of your favorite scotch, and the exact type of Rolex you wanted. You did a great job of pretending to love her more that year. It’s good that we don’t even have to say anything for us to both know that you really appreciated the map of my ideal beltline that I drew for you and had framed. The fact that it still sits in the back of the attic just shows how much you care about it, and about me. Happy Father’s Day.

Love,

WNF IV[hr]

R.I.P. AC Slater

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Everyone calm down. Your second favorite Bayside High Schooler is not really dead, but he may as well be. I was channel surfing last night and stopped when I saw AC Slater (Mario Lopez for those of you over the age of 33 and under the age of 18) standing on stage with a microphone. Was this the long awaited Saved by the Bell reunion? Was he at least hosting a marathon? Was the episode where Jesse overdoses on caffeine pills about to air? Unfortunately, none of the above was true.

I had accidentally tuned in to the Season 5 premier of America’s Best Dance Crew, also known as “ABDC”. Aside from the dyslexic acronym, this show has made me lose every ounce of respect I’ve ever had for AC Slater. The first time I saw the show a few years ago I wrote a eulogy for AC on Brahsome. I thought it wouldn’t last, yet 5 seasons later the show is more popular than ever.

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Before I get to some unbelievable news about AC, let me first explain this shitshow. If you’ve never seen ABDC, it’s basically about a bunch of dance “crews”. We are told about the unique style of each crew’s “routine” and why we should be excited to see them “perform”. Each crew then gets interviewed by AC Slater and they generally make asses of themselves, while displaying the results of a K-12 OTB public education, capped off by a few semesters of community college. The crews perform a routine that showcases their “original flavor” and highlights their “sickest moves” while some shitty song you hear at Felson’s plays in the background.

The crews are then judged by former N’Sync member JC, Lil Mamma, and Omarion. Yeah, I don’t know who the latter two judges are either. They provide insightful commentary on the routines, using terms that I’m positive don’t exist in the dictionary. JC approved of one crew by saying, “your isolations were very nice”. However, Omarion wanted that crew to “push their isolations a bit further”. Not knowing what an “isolation” was, I continued to watch as the next crews “performed”. I still had no idea what was going on.

According to AC, the last four seasons of this show has “sparked a movement in the streets in every city across the nation” which resulted in “new crews going harder than ever before.” So now they’re holding competitions to determine which group of commoner community college drop outs is the best at flailing around on a stage. The competitions began in the “Dirty South” where the Jungle Boogie crew introduced “crankin’”, a new dance style where five idiots, wearing what appear to be windbreakers from the Jamaican Olympic team, run around on a stage like jungle animals. The judges critiqued their performance. I didn’t listen.

I thought about the good ol’ days when I idolized AC just for being AC and also for being married to Ali Landry for two whole weeks.

ali landry

Some of you are thinking, “Two weeks? What the hell happened?” Well, Ali Landry annulled the marriage because AC cheated on her a few times, really close to, or possibly on their wedding day. After the annulment, AC went on to host random television shows and appeared on Dancing With The Stars. I thought he had already hit rock bottom, but I was wrong. AC Slater went from Ali Landry, to this…

Ghost dance crew

Meet the Ghost crew, who resemble a group of Mexican gangster lumberjacks. How can AC go from Ali Landry to hosting a show featuring former gang members who leave a life of drive-bys and gang bangin’ to perform isolations (still don’t know what that means) with their crew? Hosting this show is even worse than his decision to play Greg Louganis in “Breaking the Surface: The Greg Louganis Story”.

While AC Slater is not actually dead, he’s been dead to me for the past few years. That was until Forrest showed me some stunning new information regarding AC and the rest of the Saved by the Bell cast. Not only did AC (and Zach) bang all the girls on the show, but in 1993 he even had his way with some random chick. By “had his way” I mean “raped”. No, he didn’t rape some chick from Valley in a Saved by the Bell episode that focused on violence against women. He raped an actual person, allegedly. Now we all know rape isn’t funny. Except when it happened to Forrest at Camp Sea Gull during that game of capture the flag with a……I can’t go any further into that due to a 15 year old lawsuit that’s still tied up in court. From this news article from May 11th, 1993, we can see that AC was accused of rape. Normally, I would assume the male was innocent, just like the Duke Lacrosse players. However, AC is sort of a Mexican, which means he’s probably guilty of this. Apparently, NBC paid the girl $50,000 to keep it quiet. We all know how ITB that is. This story was corrobarted by Screech, in his tell-all book “Behind the Bell”, which I’ll be reading and reviewing soon.

This shocking news has made me rethink my love (no homo) for AC. He obviously did whatever he wanted in the 90s by banging a lot of hot girls and doing drugs on set (even during the “No Hope with Dope” episode). But I just can’t get over him hosting this ABDC atrocity. So, RIP AC Slater, you’ll be missed. Goooo Bayside.[hr]

42nd Street Oyster Bar Almost Killed My Friend

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42nd Street Oyster Bar has always been an ITB landmark. I’ve always been a big fan of this place as a pre-bang or pre-bar destination. Girls love the “atmosphere” and every guy knows that oysters are the shit because they’re an aphrodisiac, which makes girls wanna hook up (even more than normal).

However, they’ve recently come under fire for serving overpriced average seafood………………….….that makes people sick.

Trust me, I know good (average) seafood from having eaten at the Sanitary Fish Market & Restaurant and Dockside at least 100 times (I’ve got the t-shirts to prove it). So I obviously have no problem paying more than I should for food that is overhyped, as long as I’m at an ITB approved establishment. What I won’t stand for, however, is the possibility of dying; yes dying, after eating dinner at a restaurant.

“Wednesday evening, I started feeling really bad. All of a sudden, I got so violently ill, we had to go to the emergency room,” said Fields, whose eyes were still red from the illness a week later.

“I felt so bad I thought maybe this could be the end,” he added.

“By this afternoon, the county had roughly 40 reports of sickness, mostly diarrhea and vomiting, from customers who had eaten there in roughly the past week, said Andre Pierce, Wake County’s director of environmental health and safety.

Reports from the popular eatery on West Jones Street are being evaluated, and anyone with similar symptoms should call (919) 856-7400.”

Diarrhea and vomiting, think about how badly that would go over once I got on the Felson’s dance floor. I would actually have to use the bathroom stalls for their intended purpose.

“The common thread has been that people have eaten steamed oysters, and we’ve isolated it down to all of those steamed oysters coming out of Louisiana,” Hurley (the owner) said.

Well there’s the problem. Everyone knows it’s safer, and classier, to eat oysters from North Carolina, where you don’t have to worry about freshwater influx, septic tank overflow, and the remnants of the second worst natural disaster in the history of America (Hurricane Fran was the first, I was without power for TWO whole days). It’s much cooler to have an oyster roast at your own house, where you can ensure that the oysters are from Morehead, or at least somewhere in North Carolina.

At first I thought maybe a busload of outsiders, who aren’t used to fine (average at best) dining, ate at 42nd Street and got sick because their palate wasn’t adjusted to such amazing oysters and chicken fingers. I wouldn’t normally care about the well-being of others, but this really hit home on Monday, when I got a call from Mary Caldwell Hovington.

Mary Caldwell H.: “I feel really sick, I’ve been throwing up all morning.”
WNF IV: “Gross. You pregnant again?”
Mary Caldwell H.: “No! Why do guys always automatically assume a girl is pregnant if they say they’re sick?”
WNF IV: “Because they usually are pregnant….”
Mary Caldwell H.: “Well, I’m not pregnant. I think I have food poisoning, I ate some oysters at 42nd Street last night.”
WNF IV: “Oysters? Those are an aphrodisiac, you know. You are totally pregnant. Who was the lucky (now unlucky) guy?”
Mary Caldwell H.: “I’m NOT pregnant, I was out with a girlfriend.”
WNF IV: “Oh, well you probably have food poisoning then. Everyone that’s eaten at 42nd Street has gotten sick, I think it’s some sort of oyster flu. They get their oysters from Louisiana so they’re probably still contaminated by all that Katrina shit.”
Mary Caldwell H.: “I’ve gotta go, I feel sick.”
WNF IV: “Name it after me if it’s a boy.”

So I just wanted to get the message out to those of you who may be in town for the holidays. I know 42nd Street is always on the list of places to dine if you haven’t been home in a while. Be careful, because you might get sick, or almost die.

R.I.P. Nelson’s

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After talking to the owners of the building that once housed “the only bar in the world” (according to the poll results), it’s official……Nelson’s is dead. Pause for a moment of silence. Before I continue, I want to take time to say goodbye to Nelson’s. Nelson’s was the cause of 13,324 random hook-ups. The place where 49,242 jager bombs were taken. The scene of countless “fights” that inevitably turned into a group of guys yelling at each other in the parking lot before going to late night. No fights actually occurred, but that one night I swear I would have beaten the shit out of that commoner if he hadn’t driven off in his Nissan Xterra. Nelson’s was also the cause of 62 trips to planned parenthood. It was the birthplace of 94 DUIs, including mine. It was the only ITB bar (other than Crowley’s) that never once turned away an underage ITB female. Finally, Nelson’s served as a safe haven for ITB residents who couldn’t stand the thought of having to associate with the less fortunate (poor people). Nelson’s, you will be missed by many. Although I only remember 10% of the time that I spent there, I will never forget the impact you had on ITB.

For those of you who haven’t killed yourselves yet, step back off that ledge, because according to this sign, Foster’s is moving back to Cameron Village in May.

Total advertising budget for Foster’s: $40.40.

Let that sink in for a minute. At first, I was unsure why Foster’s only spent $40.40 on signage. The signs on the building are so small and plain. An announcement of this magnitude deserves to be put on a 40 foot banner hung from the Broughton bell tower (yeah I’ve been inside it), or should at least make the front page of the N&O. You wouldn’t find any news about this epic comeback on News 14 Carolina, since cougar Heather Childers still hasn’t responded to my e-mail. All News 14 cares about is poor people shooting each other over drugs or “inner city crime” as they call it, the “drought”, “rising gas prices” and the Charlotte Bobcats. They even cover stories about OTB, it’s absurd. Well none of that affects me, so why bother even reporting on it? There isn’t a drought, I have water (and an awesome lawn because of it), crime doesn’t exist where I live, and I’m glad gas prices are going up. $5 a gallon gas makes it harder for poor people to drive, thus clearing the road for my SUV. It also makes the roads look nicer because poor people can’t drive their crappy cars around town. (Note: Crappy cars are defined as anything that was made before 2006 and isn’t a Range Rover/Tahoe/Escalade/BMW/Mercedes) Sometimes I’ll drive laps around the beltline (careful not to go outside of it) just to use more gas in hopes that I’m lowering the supply and making the price go up. I’m not sure if this actually works because I don’t really understand the economy.

I’m sorry, I’ve gotten off topic, I was so confused as to why the signs on the door of Nelson’s (RIP) were so small, but then it hit me, the smaller the sign, the more exclusive Foster’s at Cameron Village will be. If there was a huge banner hung from the Broughton bell tower, all those douchebag gel heads would see it on their way to “Tool Pigeons” or that run down warehouse they call a bar named “Lucky B’s” or “Around the Corner” or whatever they call it. Seriously gel heads, just pick a name and stick with it. Having such a small sign will ensure that Foster’s continues to be exclusive as shit. We have to make sure it stays that way, so those downtown commoners won’t show up and spread their STDs all over the place.

More importantly, Foster’s is back in its original location, and it’s about damn time. We’ve all been going through withdrawal from Nelson’s, (and cocaine of course, Forrest says it’s almost impossible to do in Foster’s because that bathroom is so disgusting, it’s a good thing he could at least go to Churchill’s and just do it right off the bar). One thing I am going to miss about the Five Points Foster’s is the size of the building. There was nothing better than spending 19 minutes standing in the 4 foot wide space between the bar and the booths as I would try to walk from the front of the building to the dance floor. It was nice to spend that time conversing with fellow ITBers who were 2 inches away from my face. I can only hope that the staff from Nelson’s who went to work at Foster’s at Five Points will come back to where Nelson’s used to be so they can work at Foster’s in Cameron Village. If that’s confusing to you, it’s not to these guys. They know that where ever I go there’s a ton of money being spent on jager bombs and huge tips. Instead of wasting time getting real jobs, they stay where they know I’ll be spending tons of money three nights a week. Their level of service is impeccable, especially from that 40-year old, although that should probably be expected from someone who’s been in the business for so long. The bouncers are on point as well. An ITB friend of mine noticed that the bouncers aren’t actually checking your birth date on your ID, they’re checking your ZIP code. That’s right OTBers, don’t even bother. Keep up the good work guys, the real world can wait another ten years. As much as I hate to see Nelson’s closing, it’s reassuring to know that the exact same bar is taking its place. Finally, I can go out at night confident that I won’t run into anyone that I don’t know. Thank you new owners (dad) of Foster’s in Cameron Village, you have given me, and many others, a reason to live.[hr]

Is Nelson’s Closing?

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These days it seems that the only thing people want to talk about, and rightfully so, is whether or not Nelson’s is going to close. I’ve heard a lot of rumors but don’t know what to believe. Is Nelson’s closing because of a recession? If they are closing, can I blame this on terrorism? This must be Hillary Clinton’s fault. Did Harris Teeter ruin the kitchen area of Nelson’s beyond repair? To try to clear things up I went straight to the source, Nelson’s. I saw this sign posted outside when I was there on Thursday night, Friday night, and Saturday night.

First of all, who knew that Nelson’s was a restaurant? Apparently, Nelson’s has a menu and serves food during the day. I had just assumed that this ridiculously nice bar was built for my friends and I to get blackout in from Thursday through Saturday. I thought the marble counters and full length doors on the bathrooms were there to conceal the recreational drug use. It’s so much easier to get blackout when people don’t have to worry about others walking in when five people are sharing a bathroom stall. If I had known that I could go to Nelson’s and get a good Citrus Soy Marinated Hanger Steak with wilted spinach and grilled shitakes or a Salmon Creek Farm Pork Chop with braised collards and goat cheese grit cake, I would have eaten there at least 3 times a week.

Secondly, if Nelson’s is closing their restaurant but keeping the bar open, what do I have to worry about? I’ve got no problem with them closing, as long as they aren’t changing anything and are still open from Thursday night through Saturday night so ITBers can continue spend their allowance there. I haven’t noticed any changes so far, although the other night something odd happened. I was walking in and that random guy who stands at the door (I don’t think he’s a bouncer because he never makes anyone leave, and he doesn’t check ID’s because there are almost as many underage girls at Nelson’s as there are at Crowley’s, which is exactly why I go there) told me there was a $5 cover. I walked right by him, you know why? Because I’m important and I don’t pay covers. Maybe the $5 cover is (or should I say was?) to keep out all the gel-head douchebags from the Glenwood South area, pictured below.

(This picture contains 4 gallons of hair gel and a combined 15 hours spent in tanning beds. The 2nd person from the right in the background is not a burn victim.)

Everyone knows these heathens can’t afford a $5 cover since they spend all their money on hair gel, the tanning bed, and Heineken. That’s one of the things that I love (or should I say “loved”?) about Nelson’s, all of those Guido losers didn’t fit in so they rarely showed up. I always try as hard as possible to look down on these guys when I see them at Nelson’s to let them know how important I am. I’m glad they instituted the $5 cover though, maybe they’ll stay away for good. That’s got to be the only reason for the cover, there’s no way Nelson’s is running out of money and actually needs to have a cover. I thought that I was the one keeping that place in business anyway, what with all the shots and jager bombs that I buy there. Money can’t possibly be the problem.

I know you’re probably thinking “William, shouldn’t you know what’s going on? Aren’t you real good friends with the owner because you’re both so ITB?”. Of course I know the owner, he’s friends with my Dad, and yes we are both ITB as shit. I haven’t had time to talk to him about it, but I’m sure that, as the sign says, everything is fine.

I’ve heard a few people say that Nelson’s is going to eventually close completely. This can’t be true. I’m not worried though, if it is true I’m sure my Dad’s lawyers will find somebody to sue or something so that Nelson’s can stay open. If worse comes to worst, I can always cash in some stock options or part of my trust fund and buy Nelson’s myself. There is no way a place like Nelson’s should ever close for any reason. I’ll be on the edge of my seat waiting to see what happens over the next few weeks or at least until I talk to someone important. Let’s all hope that Nelson’s gets these “Mechanical Issues” fixed so we don’t have to entertain the thought of possibly going to a different bar with common people.

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