Blackout Causes Mass Hysteria in Cameron Village

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No, this isn’t a throwback Thursday to the glory days of getting blackout drunk at Felson’s in Cameron Village (for the uninitiated, Foster’s + Nelson’s = Felson’s). Around 7:45 pm ITB time Wednesday evening, the Cameron Village Harris Teeter lost power and closed for the night. I was already on my way to HT when I heard the news so I decided to investigate the disaster like a responsible journalist, plus I assumed George York would just let me in anyway. To avoid the mass hysteria, I planned to use the native ITB entrance to HT (via Felson’s, Old Rex babies use the left door, New Rex babies use the right) rather than go through the main entrance. That’s when I saw these people working on a transformer.

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I pulled around to the main parking lot and came upon this eerie scene that resembled Biff’s version of 1985 from Back to the Future II.

As I crept through the parking lot I saw two ITB moms arguing over the last bottle of Pinot Grigio and box of water crackers. I stopped to ask them about the incident. “The lights went out and everyone panicked. The students fled for the door with their wine and cases of Natty Light so fast that Mary-Anna almost got hit by a rouge Jack Rogers sandal and this Yeti visor landed in my shopping cart,” said Anna-Mary, the mother clinging to the last box of water crackers.

“We should have known this would happen now that Kroger owns Harris Teeter. I bet they “forgot” to pay the power bill. I mean, where is their backup generator?” added Mary-Anna.

“Maybe all that swamp gas that was building up inside Felson’s over the years finally exploded. That’s been a ticking time bomb. I’m just glad Dallas was there to guide us to safety. He is an ITB hero,” said Anna-Mary

I expected to see hordes of protestors chanting “Save the Teeter!” while wearing #saveHT t-shirts. I guess those people are too busy protesting the loss of the “patios” in downtown.

By the time I left the parking lot, the line of luxury sedans and Tahoes stretched farther than the line of cars waiting to get into the Field of Dreams. Knowing that these people would have to drive two miles to the Glenwood Harris Teeter shook me to my core. I had to find out what caused this.

Inside the Blackout: An Investigation into What Brought Down the Mighty Teeter
We still don’t know the cause of the blackout, so we can only safely assume the following:

ISIS has activated its Brier Creek cell and is going after Cameron Village (thanks Manning).

Target is allowing customers (Moms) to drink wine while shopping. In an attempt to compete, HT tried to add “Club HT” by installing a dance floor, sound system, fog machine, and laser lights, which overloaded their transformer.

The Prince of Darkness, Alice Cooper, was infuriated that he didn’t break Webb’s course record 58 when he was golfing at the Club last week, and took out his frustrations on HT. Also, this could be the cover of Weekend at Bernie’s 3.

This could be because the price of gas has returned to below $2/gallon. By the way, the current year is 2015, so you can stop tweeting pictures of the sub $2/gallon gas price with the caption “Uhh…what year is this?”. This is slightly above ‘pictures of the temperature in your car’ on the scale of “Dumbest pictures you can ever take”. Don’t make me spend all day driving laps around the beltline to burn through gas to lower the supply and increase demand in order to drive the price up and stop you people from taking these pictures. I’ve done it before and I’ll do it again. I’m not sure how this caused the HT blackout, but anything is possible.

The City Council approved the use of food trucks in zone NX, whatever that means. Upon hearing the news, the food trucks raided the HT to stock up on supplies. Once they were finished pillaging they cut the power to force ITBers into becoming their customers.

Obviously, I want to blame the new apartments, since they’re the root of all evil. Using Trump logic I’d have to say that before they existed we never had any HT blackouts. The only logical Trump-clusion is that ugly loser new apartments definitely cause power outages in Harris Teeters, and they must be stopped!

The transformer was overloaded from Chick-Fil-A ovens prepping Mom’s chicken mini order for the Root PTA breakfast this morning.

The ITB Mom who had a public meltdown and drove up the steps of Hayes Barton had another meltdown and drove into the transformer behind HT.

Finally, George York came through with a very reasonable explanation.

With the mystery solved I decided to finally get dinner. I was starving, but didn’t want to drive all the way to the buffet at Wellspring (Whole Foods for the uninitiated) so I just ate Goodberry’s. #blessingsindisguise