by William Needham Finley IV™

Category archive

Humor

Residents Distraught Over Temporary Closure of Starbucks

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The closing of the Cameron Village Starbucks has left a community reeling. The store closed its doors this week as it prepared to move to a new location, about 30 yards across the street. Unfortunately, many regular customers were unaware of the closing and showed up to find the doors locked.

A sign on the door informed the public that the store was closed, but would reopen in the new location on Thursday, November 9th. Customers stood outside not knowing what to do with themselves.

“This is killing my down-line,” said Jason Bass, holding a Staples legal pad and off-brand YETI tumbler filled with coffee that he brought from home to save money. Bass is part of a pyramid scheme that sells energy drinks and paper towels, and often uses the Starbucks to meet with potential employees.


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Pyramid scheme representatives weren’t the only group affected by the closure.

“Look, I know I should be buying local, but I technically am, since I moved here from Seattle,” said Asher Austin, as he sat down at an outdoor table and pulled his decal covered Macbook from an earth tone messenger bag, attempting to use the free Wifi.


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Moms in desperate need of a caffeine and gossip fix during their Mother’s Morning Out were horrified to learn of the closing.

“I (clapping emoji) need (clapping emoji) my (clapping emoji) PSL (clapping emoji),” said Mary Anna Davis, referring to the Starbucks Pumpkin Spice Latte.

(Editor’s note: with the recent iOS issues surrounding the letter “I” we figured it best to type out “clapping emoji” so everyone could read it.)

“We need to discuss the micITBit drama and how we are all going to donate to the Y’s We Build People Campaign,” added Anna Mary Hurst.



Many potential customers got back in their SUVs and rushed to the nearest Starbucks on Peace Street, .9 miles away. It was a madhouse.

Not surprisingly, sales at Seaboard Wine spiked, as moms started drinking early to deal with their caffeine withdrawals while also stocking up for the weekend.

“Friday is a teacher workday and my kids are still jacked up on Halloween candy,” said one mother, as she purchased a case of red and a case of white wine.


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Back at Harris Teeter, employees took time to reassure unknowing customers that everything would be ok.

“I thought we had lost this Starbucks location for good. It really shows how fragile life is. Hug your Venti Chai Latte a little tighter this morning. You never know when it can be taken away for 48 hours,” said Davis.

It’s rumored that the old Starbucks space in Harris Teeter will be turned into a LaCroix section, with Express Yourself Paint doing the LaCroix themed interior painting. Hopefully, that news will appease residents as they work to overcome this struggle.


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Almost the Worst Halloween Ever

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Halloween falling on a weekday confuses everyone. People aren’t sure whether they should wear costumes on Friday or Saturday, or at all. This resulted in only a few people wearing costumes while blacking out at Five Points over the weekend. Luckily, guys who didn’t dress up could claim their costume was page 37 of the Brooks Brothers fall catalogue and get away with it. The only silver lining to a weekday Halloween happened when I got a call from Dad yesterday afternoon.

“Can you come let the dogs out on Halloween? Your mother and I have a charity event to attend,” said Dad.

“Why me? What’s your daughter doing?” I asked, referring to my sister. Dad threatened to cut me out of the will if I didn’t stop referring to her in a negative manner, so now I just call her “their daughter”.

“Your sister is also hosting a charity event. She’ll be busy actually doing something for others. You should try it sometime,” Dad said in his usual tone of disappointment.

“She’s not doing anything for others. She’s just trying to make herself look charitable by putting her name on the invitation and posting a million selfies when she’s at the party. That’s ITB Charity 101, everyone knows that,” I said, trying to make her look bad.

“Just please stop by and let the dogs out. Try not to hit any trick-or-treaters with your SUV on the way over. No texting while driving. It can wait.”


“Wait, who’s handing out the candy if you aren’t going to be home?” I asked.

“No one. We just put a bowl out and use the honor system.”

“Are you crazy? Do you want your house to get vandalized? You put out an honor system bowl and your house is getting egged within 20 minutes. I’ll stay home and award the candy.”

“Award the candy?”

“I don’t “give out” candy, I’m not the government. I award candy to children who have invested time and their parents’ money into producing a good costume. That’s called capitalism.”

“Just don’t harass the children. Don’t ask them where they went to school or what their ZIP code is. I’m still getting crap from Big Caldwell after you made Little Caldwell cry last year for not knowing his ZIP code.”

“What self-respecting ITBer doesn’t know their own ZIP code? He was SIX years old!”

“Just give out the candy and don’t speak to anyone,” Dad pleaded.

“Fine. Just leave out two bowls. I’ll be over soon.”

“Two? No, do not do that ITBowl and OTBowl thing with the candy again…”

I hung up before he could finish. Of course I was going to make an ITBowl and OTBowl. How else would I reward the kids with the most ITB costumes? I got to their house and found the ridiculous honor system bowl. I grabbed a second bowl and started to sort the candy, filling the ITBowl with full size name brand candy bars, Fun-Dip and Pixy Stix (gateway candies), and money clips filled with $50 bills. I then filled the OTBowl with Good & Plenty, Bit-O-Honey, Necco Wafers, raisins, and licorice. I put the bowls on the front porch and waited.


It’s easy to spot the ITB kids on Halloween. They’ll have high-quality tailored costumes, not those cheap plastic masks that fall apart after 10 minutes. They’ll also be followed by their parents, who are sipping from bottles of Seaboard Wine’s finest Pinot Grigio and liquor drinks as they discuss financial markets and White Memorial preschool gossip. The ITB kids will use monogrammed pillowcases (Egyptian cotton, 1,500 thread count) that can hold up to 25 pounds of candy, while other kids use those small plastic pumpkin buckets that hold at most 5 pounds.

OTBbucket
You can’t even fit a full size candy bar in here.

With that criteria in mind, I greeted each trick-or-treater at the door so I could judge how ITB their costumes were. I awarded the good candy for most of the evening, except when one kid showed up dressed as a Trolley Pub. I dumped a bunch of boxes of raisins in his bag and told him to never show his face in our neighborhood again. The evening was coming to a close when two kids showed up. One was dressed as Batman, and the other, well, he looked familiar.

“Nice job Batman, way to represent superheroes in the 1%,” I said to the first kid. “You…you look familiar,” I said to the second kid who was wearing Sperry’s, khaki pants, a pastel colored button down shirt and holding a bag of Fun-Dip, an iPad with ITB Insider™ pulled up, and the newest iPhone.

“I’m you. Now give me the good candy before I call my Dad,” he said.


I was speechless. He had it all. The ITB uniform, the demanding attitude, threatening to call his Dad. But the icing on the Hayes Barton Cafe cake was when he pretended to start Tweeting, “Hey @BonnerGaylord, this loser is taking forever to hand out the candy. Can we get him banished from ITB?” I dumped the entire bowl of ITB candy into his pillowcase.

“You win. Take it all,” I said, as I began to tear up. I had to go inside so the kids wouldn’t see me getting emotional. I sat on the couch thinking about the impact I had made on these children. I picked up the living room iPad that was displaying our driveway security cameras. I watched as the little WNFIV walked down the driveway, monogrammed Egyptian cotton 1,500 thread count pillowcase full of candy in tow. His friend said, “How’d you know that would work? He gave you all the candy, just like you said he would.”

Little WNIFV replied, “We’ve been neighbors for years. My parents said I should just play into his ego and he’d cave because he’s in a state of arrested development and dying for attention from anyone. The best part is I didn’t even have to dress up. This is what I wore to school today. That guy is so pathetic.”

“Wow, he’s still staying in character,” I thought to myself. I was so proud.


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Outdo Your Neighbors With These ITB Halloween Pumpkins

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Halloween is one of my favorite holidays. Something about dressing up and pretending to be someone or something else just feels so right. It’s also one of the most competitive holidays. Children compete to see who can acquire the most candy and who can come up with the best costume. Parents compete to see who can give out the best candy, throw the best party, or buy the best costume for their kids. If you don’t think ITB parents take this seriously, here’s a micITBit Facebook group thread about Halloween costumes that has 674 comments.

Outside of choosing the perfect costume for your kids, the best way to show off how ITB you are is through your pumpkin carving abilities. Trying to come up with a good design in between picking out your child’s 4 costume options and trunk-or-treating at White Memorial can be overwhelming. So we’ve come up with the best ITB pumpkin designs that are guaranteed to get at least 100 likes on Instagram. Note: since everyone has different initials we didn’t bother coming up with a template for monogramming your pumpkin.

What You’ll Need

Pumpkins – At least three pumpkins, preferably from Logan’s, the State Farmers Market, or the Cameron Village or Glenwood Village Harris Teeter. Each pumpkin should be roughly the size of a YETI Roadie 20 cooler.

Carving tools – full disclosure, these are going to be difficult to carve. It’s acceptable to draw or paint the more challenging designs on your pumpkin.

Alcohol – You’ll need at least a bottle of wine, preferably from Seaboard Wine, or a fifth of Hendrick’s to get through this.

The Designs

LaCroix

Show off how much you love this refreshing status symbol by putting it on one of your pumpkins. Bonus points for being able to carve the color pattern into the pumpkin.


Tahoe

Sure, kids and their parents will pass by your Tahoe in the driveway while walking to your front porch. But just in case the kids were busy checking out their candy haul or the parents were distracted from refilling their YETI tumblers with another glass of wine, you can remind them that you have a Tahoe by carving it in your pumpkin.

Wine glass

You love wine, wine nights, wine tastings, wine and design, and going to vineyards. Let everyone know how important wine is in your life by displaying it on your pumpkin.

Brooks Brothers

Your pumpkin should always match your polo, that’s Halloween 101.

YETI Cooler

Some people use YETI coolers for fishing or camping. Others use YETI coolers for storing Capri Sun and orange wedges for halftime at CASL games. Either way, this pumpkin reminds everyone that you can afford a YETI.


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Yukon from Thompson with Alexander YMCA, Daniels Middle School, Camp Seafarer, and Broughton decals

If there were an ITB automobile assembly line, this is what would come out. Similar to the Tahoe pumpkin, this will remind everyone of your ties to all things ITB. Plus, show this pumpkin to the fine folks at Thompson Buick GMC Cadillac and they’ll give you a free Yukon (while supplies last).

Mr. Corsetti and ITBlake the intern

Show everyone that you’ve been keeping up with ITB Insider™ and the adventures of ITBlake the intern with this pumpkin that also features Broughton legend Mr. Corsetti.

Sperry

Boat shoes are never out of season. You can’t go wrong with carving one into your pumpkin.

lululemon Yoga Pants

You wore them to your PBX® workout. You bought the pumpkins while wearing them. You carved the pumpkins while wearing them. You handed out the candy while wearing them. You might as well carve them on a pumpkin.


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Lilly Pulitzer

This one is going to be difficult, but if you can pull it off you’ll be the envy of every mom in the neighborhood. Plus, you could probably teach classes on how to carve the design and charge people $50 to attend. Call it something like “Pamplemousse and Pumpkins” and let people drink LaCroix wine spritzers while they learn to carve this design.

ITBlessed

This one is stating the obvious, but letting everyone know how ITBlessed you are never gets old.

Dogs of ITB

Show your support for Dogs of ITB with this pumpkin design.

ITB

It’s the best. Enough said.


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Felson’s (RIP)

Reconnect with other parents who have children in the 0 to 10 years old range, as this pumpkin will be an instant conversation starter.

“OMG is that Felson’s?”

“Obvi.”

“I still don’t remember anything from that period of my life. But I know I loved it.”

“Same! Cheers!” (chugs wine, turns “Murder on the Dance Floor” up on Sonos, orders an Uber to take the kids home, moves furniture out of living room, recreates the Felson’s dance floor, blacks out)

Crowley’s (RIP)

Show off how far back your ITB lineage goes with a tribute to one of the most legendary bars in Raleigh.

With these designs you should easily outdo everyone in your neighborhood. Pair these designs with an open bar on the front porch and full size candy for the kids and you’ll be a Halloween legend.


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Broughton Intern Has Greatest Birthday Ever

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I’m pretty busy these days, but not so busy that I don’t take time for ITBlake the intern. His 18th birthday was Wednesday, so I obviously waited until Tuesday night to start thinking about it. Fortunately, social media provided a ton of great suggestions when I asked for some last minute gift ideas. Here are a few:

Pre-IPO shares of ITB Media Empire, Inc.

A signet ring. A card signed by top ITB officials and businesses. Lunch on the veranda at Carolina Country Club followed by a round of golf. A dictionary with all the words starting with “out” or “outside” scratched out and all words with “inside” highlighted with hearts in the margin. A friend for the Lake Boone chicken. A personal billboard for the month. Oh. I know. A trip to a festival somewhere…..

Management position with MicITBit

A case of LaCroix

Redeemable gift certificate for the Point

A YETI Tundra for the Tahoe and a YETI Hopper for on the go

Long sleeved Big Rock shirt

A Barbour jacket

Whatever it is, monogram or smock it

ITBlake wine (LaCroix) personalized glass

Reserved parking spot in Kip-Dell

Someone suggested a Trolley Pub ride, but we aren’t allowed to haze interns. Plus, we are anti-ITBullying at ITB Insider™.

A framed Stacy Miller sign, framed in empty Amazon boxes

Tickets to the next Fyre Festival


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A car – this was suggested by multiple people

A “My boss survived the Fyre Festival and all I got was this lousy t-shirt” t-shirt.

Be cutting edge. Get him a fidget spinner.

Man-Mur gift certificate

Cake from Village Deli

A Land Rover (assuming he doesn’t already have one…)

Take him to a strip club

A Broughton-themed care package

Clearly deserves Bojangles’ breakfast. If you could somehow get Flash to deliver it to the BHS football stands that’d be a good way to watch the sun come up.

ITBiscuits from Rise, then an ITBmw


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Lock him in the time capsule

Set up a song-a-gram go fund me competition with all proceeds toward purchasing a gift certificate from Village Deli or Great Outdoor Provision Company (only redeemable at CV location)

Snap spectacles, he can post videos and be the itbhipster

A fake id and/or a members-only pass to the secret Felsons that we all know still exists somewhere.

A flask with Broughton’s logo on it

A purple and gold fidget spinner

Pullen Park tickets are always a hit. Or maybe pay his joining fee at the University Club to get him off of parents’ membership.


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Thanks to everyone for the suggestions. I wasn’t able to get all of these things on such short notice, but I’ll definitely add them to his Christmas list. Here’s what I did get ITBlake for his 18th birthday:

A birthday cake donut from Rise in Cameron Village.

Tradition Scarves had actually already prepared a present for ITBlake. They got him a Broughton scarf, hat, socks, and a NC flag bandito. ITBlake’s still figuring out how to wear it.

An ITBlessed LaCroix glass. (These will soon be available in the online shop.)

LaCroix for his ITBlessed glass.

A Pumpkin Spice Latte, since he’s still on his PSD (pumpkin spice diet), I actually had them write “ITBlake” on it.

A copy of the August issue of Vanity Fair that I was in. 

That’s a key to ITBlake’s very own luxury condo at The Wade. This was kind of a big one, but I figured it was a business expense that I could write off. It’s still under construction, but ITBlake was so excited that he may camp out there in a few weeks. Stay tuned.

Overall, it was a great birthday for ITBlake. They grow up so fast.


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ITBlake Helps Raleigh On $5B Amazon Deal

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$5 billion and 50,000 jobs. That’s what Raleigh is hoping to get if Amazon decides to build their second North American headquarters (HQ2) in the Triangle. People went nuts when Amazon recently put out a Request For Proposals and announced plans for HQ2. Cities across the nation scrambled to submit proposals, using hashtags and social media campaigns in an attempt to woo Amazon.

Here in Raleigh, the Research Triangle Regional Partnership (RTRP) has been using the hashtag #TriangleDelivers to show support for the proposal. But they needed help. As the only growing media empire in town, ITB Insider™ was asked to help “celebrate delivery of the HQ2 proposal and drive conversation via #TriangleDelivers” using a “positive, upbeat, celebratory” tone. This seemed like the perfect job for ITBlake the intern.


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I replied to RTRP’s request with a few thoughts:

I read the e-mail about the campaign/tone and just want to make sure I’m doing this right. Our idea is a short film starring ITBlake the intern that looks at what would happen if Amazon didn’t bring HQ2 to the area.

FADE IN:
ITBlake the intern is sitting in a Broughton classroom waiting to take his midterm exams. His entire future rests on this one day. He begins to write his name on the first exam, but his pencil breaks. Panic sets in. He hears a voiceover from WNFIV (like the ones they do in Star Wars) that says “Use the app ITBlake…use the app.” ITBlake opens Amazon Prime RIGHT Now, a new service offering 2-minute delivery via a supersonic drone. Unfortunately, that service is only available in cities where Amazon’s headquarters are located. There will be no pencil delivery. “If only Raleigh had HQ2….” ITBlake thinks to himself.


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Without a pencil, ITBlake fails all of his exams. His GPA plummets. He gets rejected from all of the colleges he’s applied to. He is left with nothing.

Ironically, ITBlake gets a job as an Amazon Prime delivery person, specializing in LaCroix delivery to ITB moms. He makes a small fortune on tips and starts investing in ITBitcoin, a new cryptocurrency that’s extremely rare and valuable. Within six months ITBlake is worth $750 ITBillion.


He buys Walmart, renames it “ITBlake-Mart”, and streamlines their operations using the ITBusiness skills he learned from his internship at ITB Insider™. He moves the headquarters to Cameron Village and sets his sights on Amazon.

Two years pass and ITBlake is dominating the online shopping industry, achieving better results than Jeff Bezos (the founder of Amazon) in a fraction of the time. On the brink of going out of business, Bezos contacts ITBlake for a meeting. He wants a merger. Everyone knows it’s a bailout. ITBlake decides to take the meeting.

The groups are seated at a giant table (made from the same stone used to build Broughton) in a conference room on the top floor of the ITBlake-Mart headquarters. The room overlooks the same classroom at Broughton where ITBlake failed all of his exams. He thinks back to that day and wonders what might have been. Jeff Bezos presents Amazon’s offer. He talks about “leveraging synergies” and finishes by asking for $300 billion, with a B.


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ITBlake stares blankly at Bezos. He reaches inside his Patagonia down ITBlazer (part of the business/outerwear clothing line he started) and begins to pulls out an object. Bezos assumes it’s a checkbook and lets out a sigh of relief. ITBlake pulls out the object and looks it over, wistfully. It’s a Number 2 pencil.

ITBlake quietly says, “Three years ago, all I needed was a pencil. But you couldn’t deliver. I failed out of school and was forced to become a billionaire just to prove a point. All I wanted to do was go to college, start a dank meme account on Instagram, and make 7 figures as an influencer. Just think where we’d all be if you had simply moved HQ2 to Raleigh.”

Bezos interrupts and starts talking about “pivoting” and “leveraging leverage” before ITBlake cuts him off. “I’m willing to overlook your mistakes. We can’t all ITBe perfect,” he says.

ITBlake uses the Number 2 pencil to write down an offer on his monogrammed Crane and Co. stationery. His assistant delivers the offer to Bezos, who slowly opens the stationery. It reads, “One fucking pencil. Take it or leave it.”

Fade to black.

Moral of the story: The demise of Amazon would never have happened if they had just moved HQ2 to Raleigh.

Alternatively, we could just take pictures of ITBlake with an Amazon box in different spots in Raleigh. We’d be glad to do this in exchange for a corner office on the top floor of the HQ2 building, and 5% equity in Amazon.

Thanks,

WNFIV

Our friends working on the proposal didn’t really know what to say, so they asked us to just take a few pictures. We made an announcement on Twitter, which immediately got the attention of the local news.

Once ITBlake arrived for his internship I explained what we’d be doing in a few easy steps.

Step 1: Cut a hole in the box (it makes the packages more aerodynamic and easier to ship)

Step 2: Write #TriangleDelivers on that box

Step 3: Drive around Raleigh and take random pictures with that box.

As we finished our media empire work I could overhear ITBlake singing to himself. “And that’s the way you do it. Christmas, #TriangleDelivers. Hanukkah, #TriangleDelivers. Kwanzaa, #TriangleDelivers. Every single holiday, #TriangleDelivers. Over at your parents’ house, #TriangleDelivers. Mid-day at the grocery store, #TriangleDelivers.”

We posted the pictures to social media and sat back to watch the impressions roll in.


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How to Improve Voting in Raleigh

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In 2015, voter turnout in Raleigh was less than 15%. While that is pathetic, we shouldn’t shame these non-voters. Voting is hard, y’all. If you have young children you might as well kiss democracy goodbye. Between dropping the kids off at White Memorial, running to Starbucks, then picking them back up three hours later and heading to multiple afternoon play groups, voting is the last thing on the minds of ITB moms.


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They aren’t the only ones struggling. You think an ITB dad can cut a 2 hour lunch meeting short, or skip playing the back 9 at the Club just so they can drive to a polling place and wait in line to vote?

Then there’s the youth vote. I did my best to get the younger demographic interested in voting by having ITBlake the intern put campaign signs out for hours last week. Unfortunately, he isn’t old enough to vote in this election.

But I’m not giving up. I’m confident we can solve this issue with some common sense voting reform. Here are a few simple ways to make voting in Raleigh easier.

Drive-thru Voting

Raleigh offers curbside voting, but it’s not available to everyone. Solution: drive-thru voting. We don’t even have to make citizens drive to their polling locations, we’ll just add a voting booth to every drive-thru in Raleigh. We’ll be sure to add two voting machines to the Cameron Village Chick-fil-A double drive-thru.

LaCroix Voting Machines

In the last election, the machine at my voting site jammed and it took 20 minutes to fix. That’s right, in 2016 the technology being used to select the President of the United States can jam like an InkJet printer from the 1990s. Voting machines should be on every corner. What happens to be on corners all over town that isn’t being used right now? Newspaper dispensers. We’ll simply convert these dispensers into ballot boxes. “But how will we stop voter fraud if anyone can go vote at some random machine?” Easy. Retinal scans on each ballot box will ensure each citizen can only vote once and that they are of age. We’ll even brand them with a LaCroix wrap and offer a free LaCroix to make millennials more interested in voting. I’m sure some startup company will come along and create an app that uses GPS to let people know how close they are to the nearest LaCroix booth, and also upload a selfie after they vote.


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Sharpies

It’s a known fact that cases of carpal tunnel skyrocket on election day. Filling in those tiny circles with a Bic pen takes hours. Give citizens Sharpies and they’ll be in and out in under 6 seconds.

Social Media Stats

Let’s be honest, most citizens have never heard of half of these candidates. To help educate voters, the candidate’s social media following should be posted next to their name. We should also come up with some sort of “engagement rate” so voters know how responsive their candidates will be on social media.

Better Stickers

The “I Voted” sticker should be monogrammed. Plain and simple.

More Time To Vote

Democracy is too important for us to only care about for one day. I know there’s early voting, but it seems like the dates and locations are always changing and it’s so hard to keep up with. That’s why polls should be open for 365 days. After a year of being open, we’ll tally the votes to see who the winners are.

If we can come together and agree on common sense voting reform I guarantee voter turnout will be at least 90% in future elections.

Another Month, Another Vanity Fair Appearance

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The media empire continues to expand. My streak of being featured in Vanity Fair has now been extended to two months, thanks to Spain’s September issue. You may remember that Vanity Fair also interviewed me and featured my photojournalism in an 8 and a half page spread about Fyre Festival in their August issue.

Since the whole world is dying to hear more about Fyre Festival, they ran the same story but wrote it in Spanish. I guess I now technically speak Spanish since my quotes in the article were in Spanish. However, I can’t read Spanish (I took Latin at Broughton), so I had ITBlake the intern read it to me. Hit play to watch the video.

Before I go any further, I just want to clear up some rumors. I’m not dating Monica Bellucci. We’re just friends. I do plan on sending her an ITBlessed tank top as a gift, since we will forever be linked by this issue of Vanity Fair. 

Coming soon.

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If you weren’t able to swing by Spain and pick up a copy, heres an exclusive look at the issue.

I don’t know what any of these words say.


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ITBlake Investigates: Broughton’s Off-Campus Lunch Pass Conspiracy

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Every year, junior and senior students at Broughton ask themselves, “Why do I pay $170 for a parking spot and then another $20 for an off-campus lunch pass? Why is this so expensive and where does the money go?” A new theory suggests that the high cost of the off-campus lunch pass is the result of the money going not towards school supplies, but something much more dubious. But what?

A closer look inside classrooms points to where the money is heading. Walk into any Broughton classroom and you’ll find students sleeping. The administration has fought this for years, but finally embraced the practice once they realized they could benefit from it. A former Broughton teacher, who requested anonymity, told us of the existence of a controversial program being used by the administration. I began to investigate.

Referred to as “InceptiCap”, the program is modeled after the documentary Inception, which details the top-secret government program used to enter a person’s dreams to plant an idea into their mind. Since students sleep through class anyway, the Broughton administration figured they could utilize the practice of inception in order to educate students and, as a result, increase end of year test scores and graduation rates.


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It’s common knowledge that Broughton keeps the 2nd and 3rd floors warmer by not turning on the AC. This makes students more susceptible to falling asleep. A PASIV device is placed on a student once they fall asleep, allowing teachers to implant ideas into that student’s mind. If the class is boring enough, the student enters limbo (the longest dream state), which is why many claim that some classes (most commonly math) seem to last for years. In their mind, they are sitting through 10 years of learning calc.

Broughton students have started to catch on to this scheme and have become more vigilant. Similar to the Inception documentary, many students now carry fidget spinners with them at all times to help them determine what’s real and what’s a dream. If their fidget spinner never stops spinning, the student is still asleep and being forced to learn against their will.

the original fidget spinner

Clearly the outrageous price of the off-campus lunch passes can be directly linked to funding the InceptiCap program. Like any good conspiracy, that answer just led to more questions, and I needed more answers. Who exactly was the mastermind behind this scheme and why were students footing the bill? Why doesn’t the PTA just pay for this? I confronted Mr. Corsetti, Physics teacher and first ballot Broughton Hall of Famer, with my findings and was met with a dead end. (Press play)

I posted my Zapruder film to Instagram and by last night it had already hit the Explore page.

With all the extra attention I’ve brought to this matter, henceforth known as “off-campus lunch passgate”, it appears the administration is now spending even more money on a cover-up. I’ve reached out to Stacy Miller about representing Broughton students in a Caps class action lawsuit, but he’s busy running for City Council. While some could say the practice of InceptiCap is done for the greater good, the question of why we have to spend $20 on an off-campus lunch pass remains. Will the Broughton administration lower the prices of off-campus lunch passes now that I’ve blown the lid off this conspiracy?

Keep dreaming.


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Welcome to ITBlake Investigates

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A message from WNFIV: I’m thrilled to present ITBlake the intern’s first article for ITB Insider™. In addition to making dank memes and trying to get 1,000 followers on social media, he’ll be working on an investigative series for us.

Hey everyone,

It’s ITBlake here with the first of many weekly investigative articles. You may be thinking, who is ITBlake and what is he going to investigate? Well, I’m the first ever intern at ITB Insider™. Yes, I am a real person. Yes, I am getting class credit as a senior at Broughton for this.

As a small child I began investigative journalism by giving people news they wouldn’t get from the lamestream media and Big Sesame Street. At age 11 I was the youngest person ever to climb and investigate Mt. Everest while wearing American Chubbies. When I was 16 and got my license, I became the second best driver in the world, behind Ricky Bobby. As I finish my last year of high school, it made sense to put my investigative skills to good use at the only media empire worth paying attention to.


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What have I been up to?
I have many responsibilities as an ITB Insider™ intern. First and foremost, I’m responsible for making sure everyone’s BLC (Blood LaCroix Content) is at least 12% at all times. I do research on important issues like the big “What’s really in LaCroix?” scandal that rocked the world this week. I’m constantly on call to assist Bonner Gaylord with the weather dome. Despite not having any legal education whatsoever, I’ve been helping Stacy Miller in the trial of the millennium against the Fyre Festival bandits. I’m also required to stay up-to-date on Broughton history and trivia.


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What’s going on at Broughton?
I’ll be providing updates on the best high school in the world. Here’s what’s going on this week:
9/15/17 – Broughton vs Rolesville Varsity Football game – 7:00 pm at Broughton. Hurricane financial aid donations will be collected.
9/22/17 – Club Fair – Students get to see what clubs they can sign up for. Speaking of clubs, apparently someone started a LaCroix Club. I’m not sure exactly what the club will do, but WNFIV has already called for an investigation.

an actual flyer at broughton right now

10/6/17 – Homecoming – This year’s theme is “Battle of the Bands” and students are already hard at work building floats for the parade. It sure would be nice if a lovable guitar-playing mascot who went to Broughton were allowed to participate in the festivities…

What comes next?
After my first week of watching Shav highlights, reading the August issue of Vanity Fair multiple times, and listening to The Connells, I’m ready to start investigating the issues that matter.

I’ll cover the obvious topics like Queen of Hearts and prom, but also plan to tackle the hard hitting questions like, “Why are off campus lunch passes $20 when I already paid $170 for a parking pass?” and “Why isn’t there AC on the 2nd and 3rd floor of Broughton right now? How many students have to be mildly uncomfortable until a change is made? How many?!?!” Most importantly, I will help grow the media empire and make sure ITBlake is a name you can rely on and trust.

Want more of ITBlake?
You can follow me on Instagram @itbintern and on Twitter @ITBintern. You can also read more about my first week on the job below. If you have any stories you’d like me to investigate, please email intern@itbinsider.com.

Broughton Intern Passes with Flying Pastel Colors


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Broughton Intern Passes with Flying Pastel Colors

in Broughton/Humor/ITBNN by
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I needed help. It was late April and I was drowning under the demands of running a media empire, getting ready to attend the Fyre Festival, editing the Development Beat, and answering 50 messages a day from people in micITBit, a secret closed Facebook group for moms that I had just accidentally started. It was all so overwhelming that I was stress eating an entire Capital Creations Sunday night anxiety pizza in one sitting. And then it happened. The divine power that is Broughton High School intervened. Broughton’s internship coordinator reached out and asked if I would like to have an intern during the upcoming school year. It was fate. This was potentially the answer to maybe one or two of my problems, depending on how capable this high school student was. I immediately said yes and met with the coordinator, who informed me that she had selected the perfect candidate for my growing media empire. His name was Blake and he was a rising senior.


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Over the next few months I continued to expand the media empire with appearances on Andy Cohen’s tv show on BRAVO, being featured in Vanity Fair, and doing interviews with hundreds of outlets (including a 7 minute TMZ Live interview with my ITBFF Harvey), while Blake spent the summer globetrotting around Europe and a few other countries that I already forgot. By last week he was ready to start his first day at the ITB Insider™ media empire.

We had a plan for Blake. We were going to teach him about advertising rates, sponsored posts, how to monetize social media accounts, and much more. But before that could happen we had to make sure he was someone we could ITBelieve in. The first thing we did was make him take a quiz about Broughton. Seriously.

First Week Pop Quiz

I asked my followers for question suggestions the night before the quiz and got so many amazing responses that we’ll be launching an ITB quiz series. Feel free to submit more questions to wnfiv@itbinsider.com. We didn’t want to overwhelm Blake on his first day, so we kept the quiz to 16 questions. The answer key is at the bottom of this post.

Pop Quiz – Week 1 – August 30, 2017

1.) What year was Broughton founded?
a.) 1987
b.) 1929
c.) 1776
d.) 1969

2.) What does the middle initial “B” in the school’s name stand for?
a.) Bae
b.) Beltline
c.) Bryant
d.) Basic

3.) What floor is the pool on?
a.) Basement
b.) First floor
c.) Second floor
d.) Fourth floor

4.) What was the nickname of the lovable unofficial mascot who rode his bike to every home and away game, had killer dance moves, and played guitar?
a.) Dash
b.) Flash
c.) Crash
d.) DSart

5.) What is the greatest band from Broughton?
a.) The Connells
b.) The Village People
c.) Dishwalla
d.) Chatham County Line


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6.) How many points did Shav score when he broke Pistol Pete’s all-time single-game scoring record?
a.) 44
b.) 42
c.) 56
d.) 70

7.) What is the maximum distance Colonel Barber would chase a student attempting to skip school?
a.) 4 blocks
b.) 1 mile
c.) 3 miles
d.) To the end of the Earth

8.) What is the senior tradition involving the bell tower?
a.) Students are locked in the bell tower for two weeks without food or water. The survivor is named Valedictorian.
b.) Students get to go inside and sign their name on the wall.
c.) One student is chosen to live in the tower for the entire year.
d.) Students are allowed to take a rappelling course where they rappel down the bell tower.

9.) What TV show was Broughton graduate Sharon Lawrence on?
a.) NYPD Blue
b.) Pacific Blue
c.) The Big Bad Show
d.) Game of Thrones

10.) How much time does it take to drive from the flagship Bojangles’ on Western after Friday morning breakfast and still only be 3 minutes late to Caps Class?
a.) 5 minutes
b.) 9 minutes
c.) 12 minutes
d.) 15 minutes

11.) What TV show was Broughton graduate Colin Fickes on?
a.) Dawson’s Creek
b.) One Tree Hill
c.) Boston Public
d.) Law & Order


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12.) How many state titles has NC Soccer Hall of Fame Coach Izzy Hernandez won?
a.) 7
b.) 2
c.) 3
d.) 11

13.) Which movies did Broughton graduate Peyton Reed direct?
a.) Ant-Man
b.) Yes Man
c.) The Break-Up
d.) Bring It On

14.) How many times did Coach Hernandez’s teams finish ranked number 1 in the NATION?
a.) 0
b.) 1
c.) 2
d.) 3

15.) What does AC stand for?
a.) Air conditioning
b.) Algebra Club
c.) Albert Clifford
d.) All Clear

16.) Finish this sentence: Approve ye that which is…
a.) Gnarly
b.) Excellent
c.) Average
d.) Whatever

We then went over a few personality questions.

What’s your favorite ITB street to drive on?
Oberlin

What’s your favorite ITB ZIP code?
27605

If you could be a Dog of ITB (follow @dogsofitb), what type of dog would you be and why?
Husky, because they’re like an icy German Shepherd.

If you were to create a slogan for your life, what would it be? (Example: Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow, we die.)
Be chill or hype but never anything in between.

Favorite floor of Broughton?
The pods

We reviewed his answers and after a long deliberation we decided that he was fit to work with us. To stay on #brand we renamed him ITBlake and held an ITBaptism using Pamplemousse LaCroix to make it official.

It was time to introduce ITBlake to the world. We took the required first day at the ITB Insider™ media empire picture and posted it online.

What we didn’t plan on was ITBlake becoming an overnight sensation. People went nuts.

In less than a week, ITBlake’s picture became the 5th most liked picture on my Instagram in the last YEAR. That includes all the pictures of Fyre Festival (which I went to), pics of Webb Simpson, and pics of Trophy Wife sunsets (#followthesun).

Fame

Seeing that type of boy band level hysteria made us realize we needed to leverage this opportunity. So, in addition to his normal duties of making sure our LaCroix is always 42 degrees and learning how a media empire works, we are now going to make ITBlake famous. We created @ITBIntern Twitter and @ITBIntern Instagram accounts for him and have added “Make dank memes” and “Get 1,000 followers” to his learning objectives.

We hit our first teachable moment when we let ITBlake choose his own profile picture for Instagram.

While we applaud ITBlake for combining American flag Chubbies shorts with the beltline and the North Carolina flag, we were concerned people wouldn’t believe this was an ITB approved account. What ITBlake didn’t realize is that there are a lot of knock-off ITB accounts out there, some that even use our own logo to try to gain followers by riding our coattails. We had to make sure he was staying on ITBrand, so we did an entire logo overhaul for ITB Insider™. The graphic design work was done by Broughton graduate Katie Bryant, which is why it looks so amazing. We’ve also partnered with her and Southern Ego Clothing, a company run by Broughton graduate Roshad Williams, to make sure you can get these logos on every piece of clothing you could ever dream of. More on that coming soon.

Our new ITBrand

We’ve been recording these teachable moments with ITBlake and plan to launch a podcast in the next few weeks. This is going to be the most entertaining internship ever. Everyone please join us in welcoming ITBlake to the team. Follow him on Instagram. Like everything that he does. Make him famous.

If you have any suggestions on things that ITBlake should work on, please e-mail him at intern@itbinsider.com.

First Week Pop Quiz Answer Key

1.) b. 1929
2.) c. Bryant
3.) d. Fourth floor
4.) b. Flash
5.) either a. The Connells or d. Chatham County Line were acceptable
6.) c. 56
7.) d. To the end of the Earth
8.) b. Students get to go inside and sign their name on the wall
9.) a. NYPD Blue
10.) b. 9 minutes
11.) this was a trick question, as Colin Fickes was on all of these shows
12.) d. 11
13.) another trick question, as Peyton Reed has directed all of these movies
14.) c. 2
15.) b. Algebra Club
16.) b. Excellent

Terps Announce 2017 Deb Class

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Being a Debutante is a great honor, second only to being on the Queen’s Court at Broughton’s Queen of Hearts. The Terpsichorean Club of Raleigh recently announced participants in the 91st annual Debutante Ball. The Club, comprised mostly of my ITBFFs from Raleigh, was formed in the 1920s to sponsor an annual statewide Debutante Ball to present many of North Carolina’s prominent young women and to honor their families. For the outsiders reading this, let me explain. The Deb Ball is sort of like The Hunger Games, where representatives from each district gather together in the Capitol, but with less human sacrifice (although there was that time one of my roommates got shot with a pellet gun the night before the Deb Ball and we were up until 5:00 am with him in the emergency room). The Ball has been held every year since 1923, with the exception of the World War II years (thanks a lot, Hitler).

We’re just a few days away from the festivities, so it’s time to take a look at the Deb Class of 2017.


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29 Debs have double names. Unfortunately, the elusive triple named Deb did not emerge this year.


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A lot of thought and deliberation went in to selecting the 2017 class.

 

Without further ado, here are the 2017 Debutantes. Raleigh is listed first because it’s the best. The name of the debutante is listed first, followed by the name of the parents.

Raleigh

Catherine Gayle Bernhardt (Catherine) – Mr. and Mrs. Mark Randall Bernhardt

Mary Powell White Boney (Mary Powell) — Mr. and Mrs. Martin McConnico Boney

Callee Elise Boykin (Callee) — Mr. and Mrs. Duke Graham Boykin, Jr.

Anna Elizabeth Bunn (Elizabeth) — Mr. William Henry Bunn IV Ms. Margaret Holt Bunn

Emerson Harmon Burkhardt (Emerson) — Mr. and Mrs. David Christian Burkhardt

Wynn Alexandra Burrus (Wynn) — Mr. and Mrs. Erik Sikes Burrus

MaryClaire Katherine Caldwell (MaryClaire) — Mr. and Mrs. Edmond William Caldwell, Jr.

Elizabeth Byrum Camak (Liza) — Mr. and Mrs. Stephen Neal Camak

Anna Teague Capel (Anna) — Mr. and Mrs. Christopher Blair Capel

Magen Taylor Colgan (Magen) — Mr. and Mrs. Timothy James Colgan

Anna Elizabeth Collawn (Anna) — Dr. and Mrs. James Belknap Collawn

Sandra Shawen Conway (Shawen) — Mr. and Mrs. Paul Blackwell Conway, Jr.

Olivia Cross Cummings (Olivia) — Mrs. and Mrs. William Kent Cummings

Grace Landon Dorsett (Grace) — Mr. and Mrs. James Kye Dorsett III

Rachel Avery Edwards (Rachel) — Mr. and Mrs. Val Joyner Edwards, Jr.

Vaden Elizabeth Ellwanger (Vaden) — Ms. Anna Dunn Fonville Mr. Mark Bernard Ellwanger

Mary Ellis Fanney (Mary Ellis) — Mr. John Kiah Fanney Ms. Marianna Wynn Bass

Dixie Marie Finley (Dixie) — Mr. and Mrs. Albert Earle Finley III

Caroline Whitehurst Fountain (Caroline) — Mr. and Mrs. David Burton Fountain

Logan Elyse Francis (Logan) — Mr. and Mrs. Charles Theophilus Geoffrey Francis

Catherine Charlotte George (Catherine) — Mr. and Mrs. William Craig George

Ella Donnell Gilliam (Ella) — Mr. Frank Donnell Gilliam Mrs. Joseph Thomas Ward, Jr.

Elizabeth Darden Grubb (Darden) — Mr. and Mrs. Robert Gordon Grubb

Ryan Elizabeth Haar (Ryan) — Mr. and Mrs. Richard Venable Haar, Jr.

Georgia Craven Harris (Georgia) — Mr. and Mrs. Lawrence Worth Harris III

Katherine Ann Hawkins (Kate) — Mr. and Mrs. David Dwight Hawkins II

Mary Branch Henderson (Branch) — Mr. and Mrs. Andrew Downing Henderson

Lily Rutherford Highsmith (Lily) — Mr. and Mrs. Michael Wilson Highsmith

Della Hobson Huffines (Della) — Mr. Dewey Hart Huffines Mrs. Della Williams Huffines

Alison Merritt Hughes (Alison) — Mr. and Mrs. Alan Marion Hughes

Mary Eleanor Hunter (Mary Ellen) — Mr. and Mrs. Robert Vernon Hunter

Julia Frances Hurst (Julia) — Mr. Frank Michael Hurst Mrs. Marcia Hurst-Jellema

Mary Corinne Forehand Jackson (Mary Rinne) — Mr. and Mrs. John Michael Jackson

Charlotte Healy Jones (Charlotte) — Mr. and Mrs. Robert Healy Jones

Hannah Elizabeth Jones (Hannah) — Mr. and Mrs. Lamar Jones, Jr.

Mary Louise Kehaya (Mary Louise) — Mr. and Mrs. Mark Whitaker Kehaya

Daisy Shields King (Daisy) — Mr. and Mrs. Mark Charles King

Sarah Grace Lasso (Sarah Grace) — Mr. and Mrs. Scott James Lasso

Emilie Walton Lewis (Emilie) — Mr. and Mrs. Malcolm Gratwick Lewis

Madeline Bonneau McElveen (Mads) — Dr. and Mrs. John Thomas McElveen, Jr.

Sarah Campbell Mitchell (Sarah) — Mr. and Mrs. John Fletcher Mitchell

Margaret McKinley Payne (Maggie) — Mr. and Mrs. William McKinley Payne III

Caroline Claire Poole (Caroline) — Mr. and Mrs. William Kenan Poole

Kathryn Bowen Powers (Katy) — Mr. and Mrs. Frank Poydras Powers, Jr.

Baye Bryan Reddy (Baye) — Mr. Joseph Bryan Reddy Mrs. Julie Wall Sparr

Lily Gray Revels (Lily) — Mr. and Mrs. James Bradley Revels

Madeline Grace Rieker (Madeline) — Dr. and Mrs. Robert Paul Rieker, Jr.

Lucy Baldwin Russell (Lucy) — Mr. and Mrs. Harold Edward Vann Russell

Amelia Nicole Rustin (Amelia) — Mr. and Mrs. John Lockwood Rustin

Sarah Elisabeth Sanchez (Sarah) — Mr. and Mrs. Gregory Joseph Sanchez

Maribelle Lea Scoggin (Maribelle) — Mr. William Gwin Scoggin Mrs. Gail Coates Scoggin

Lucy Carter Smith (Lucy) — Mr. and Mrs. William Carr Smith, Jr.

Mary Kendall Stephenson (Kendall) — Mr. and Mrs. Michael Wayne Stephenson

Elizabeth Louisa Taylor (Eliza) — Mr. and Mrs. Adam Lockhart Taylor

Katherine Connell Tehan (Katherine) — Mr. Glenn Keith Tehan Mrs. Holly Connell Tehan

Sara Scott Thompson (Sara Scott) — Mr. and Mrs. Jonathan Scott Thompson

Elizabeth LaRue Tollison (Elizabeth) — Mr. and Mrs. Michael Scott Tollison

Britt Olivia Warner (Britt) — Mr. and Mrs. Michael Wayne Warner

Harriet Rhett Warner (Hattie) — Mr. and Mrs. Gregory Alan Warner

Kathryn Langill Watson (Katie) — Mr. and Mrs. Arthur David Watson

Ella Margaret Webster (Ella) — Mr. James Aldean Webster III and Mrs. Mary Ann Parrott

Schuyler McFall Weisel (Schuyler) — Mr. Michael Lloyd Weisel Dr. Deborah Lamm Weisel

Caroline Claire Wells (Caroline) — Mr. William Allen Wells Mrs. Joanna Winecoff Holt

Mary Glenn West (Mary Glenn) — Mr. and Mrs. Myron Craig West

Emma Suzanne Willard (Emma) — Mr. and Mrs. Christopher Lacy Willard

Hallie Royster Williams (Hallie) — Mr. James Hofler Williams Mrs. Juliana Pattisall-Williams

Margaret Reed Williams (Molly) — Mr. and Mrs. Charles Coleman Williams

Allie Elizabeth Wilson (Allie) — Dr. and Mrs. Jon Jay Wilson

Clare Kathryn Zaytoun (Clare) — Dr. and Mrs. Henry Stanley Zaytoun, Jr.

Mattison White Zinner (Mattison) — Mr. and Mrs. Clifford Tod Zinner


ITBack to School Must Haves


Apex

Hannah Leigh Schmitt (Hannah) — Mr. and Mrs. David James Schmitt

Asheboro

Margaret Katharine Redding (Maggie) — Dr. and Mrs. John Fulton Redding II

Asheville

Caroline Kirk Jordan (Caroline) — Dr. and Mrs. Henry Watson Jordan II

Beaufort

Ruth Barnett Brady (Ruthie) — Mr. and Mrs. Walter Douglas Brady

Burlington

Emma Chapman McQueen (Emma) — Doctors Chapman Teague McQueen and Shannon Dudley McQueen

Cary

Julia Anne Elizabeth Bullard (Julia Anne) — Mr. and Mrs. Bern Fraust Bullard III

Chapel Hill

Marjorie Coddington White (Marjorie) — Mr. and Mrs. David Grier White, Sr.


ITB Dad in Doghouse After Ruining Back to School Picture


Charlotte

Lyndsay McBrayer Cooper (Lyndsay) — Mr. and Mrs. William Robert Cooper, Jr.

Mary Alexandria Edmiston (Mary Alex) — Mr. and Mrs. George Harrell Edmiston, Jr.

Sydney Elizabeth Farris (Sydney) — Mr. and Mrs. Ray Simpson Farris III

Elizabeth Mason Sheridan (Mason) — Mr. Robert Howard Sheridan III and the late Mrs. Robert Howard Sheridan III

Catherine Ellis Shircliff (Catherine) — Mr. and Mrs. Thomas Joseph Shircliff

Anne Garland Ullrich (Annie) — Mr. and Mrs. George Christian Ullrich II

Erin Carey Werthmuller (Erin) — Dr. and Mrs. William Carey Werthmuller

Clayton

Katherine Taylor Riley (Katherine) — Mr. and Mrs. William Brian Riley

Clinton

Vanna Lucille Prestage (Vanna) — Mr. and Mrs. John Leon Prestage

Concord

Sara Wilder Bryant (Sara Wilder) — Mr. and Mrs. David Wesley Bryant

Dunn

Morgan Elizabeth Goff (Morgan) — Lieutenant Colonel and Mrs. Jerry Christopher Goff

Allie Dalrymple Snipes (Allie) — Mr. and Mrs. John Dalrymple Snipes

Durham

Sarah Preston Rollins (Sarah) — Mr. and Mrs. Steed Rollins, Jr.

Edenton

Lillian Frances Winborne (Lil) — Mr. and Mrs. Paul Faison Smith Winborne

Sarah Perryman Winborne (Perry) — Mr. and Mrs. Paul Faison Smith Winborne

Elizabeth City

Lauren Elizabeth Luther (Lauren) — Mr. and Mrs. Robert Willard Luther III

Margaret Leah Small (Maggie) — Mr. and Mrs. Jeffrey Reed Small

Fayetteville

Charlotte Barker Broadwell (Charlotte) — Mr. and Mrs. Dohn Bedell Broadwell, Jr.

Emma Kelley McCauley (Emma) — Mr. and Mrs. John William McCauley

Jane Huske Schaefer (Jane) — Dr. and Mrs. William Dickson Schaefer

Gastonia

Natalie Montgomery Jordan (Natalie) — Dr. and Mrs. Richard Montgomery Jordan

Katherine Scott Pierce (Scotty) Mr. David Scot Pierce Mrs. Christine Currence Pierce

Goldsboro

Margaret Newman Pope (Margaux) — Mr. and Mrs. Emmett Judson Pope III

Greensboro

Noelle Ann Cornelius (Noelle) — Mr. Perry Wayne Cornelius and Dr. Polly Butler Cornelius

Mary McAfee Cowan (Mary Mac) — The Reverend and Mrs. Daniel Newton Farnell Cowan

Olivia Reid Johnson (Liv) — Mr. and Mrs. Wallace Rogers Johnson III

Josephine Allen Myers (Josie) — Mr. and Mrs. James Micheal Cowhig

Greenville

Martha Campbell Bennett (Martha) — Mr. and Mrs. Thomas Allen Bennett, Jr.

Sarah Hampton Stephenson (Sarah) — Dr. and Mrs. Hale Hampton Stephenson

Maggie Elizabeth White (Maggie) — Mr. Julian Jordan White III Mrs. Rom Watson Jenkins

Hickory

Lily Chappell O’Hair (Lily) — Mr. and Mrs. Dana Cameron O’Hair

Grace Beaver Simmons (Grace) — Mr. Robert Underdown Simmons Mrs. Angela Beaver Simmons

Mary Katherine Sowers (Mary Katherine) — Mr. and Mrs. Michael William Sowers

Knightdale

Emma Frances DeMent (Emma) — Mr. and Mrs. Russell Weldon DeMent III Mrs. Jennifer Strunk Baccus

Lenoir

Samantha Holmes Barnhardt (Sam) — Mr. and Mrs. Boyd Lucas Barnhardt

Lexington

Elliott Parker Klass (Ellie) — The Honorable and Mrs. Mark Elliott Klass

Sydney Elizabeth Parker (Sydney) — Mr. and Mrs. Charles Todd Parker

Emerson Jane Williams (Emerson) — Mr. and Mrs. Alan Richard Williams

Littleton

Virginia Maye Neal (Ginnie) — Mr. and Mrs. William Kreisler Neal, Jr.

Manteo

Jennifer Alexandra White (Alex) — Mr. and Mrs. Brian William White

Morehead City

Alice Cox Pittman Horton (Alice Cox) — Mr. and Mrs. Thomas Joseph Horton, Jr.

Sloane Irwin Pfaff (Sloane) — Mr. and Mrs. Charles Andrew Pfaff, Jr.

Murfreesboro

Laurel Frances Boone (Laurel) — Mr. James Wood Boone, Jr. Mrs. Bonnie Britt Boone

Nashville

Mackenzie Rose Lambert (Mackenzie) — Mr. and Mrs. Thomas Lee Lambert

New Bern

Anna Louise Flanagan (Anna Louise) — Mr. Michael Perkins Flanagan and the Honorable Louise Wood Flanagan

Pinehurst

Lydia Jane Seifert (Lydia) — Mr. and Mrs. John Alexander Webster

Sarah Ashcraft Seifert (Sarah) — Mr. and Mrs. John Alexander Webster

Rocky Mount

Mary Allison Barnes (Allison) — Mr. Luther Matthew Barnes IV Mrs. Tiffany Mewborn Barnes

Catherine Courtney Bondy (Courtney) — Dr. and Mrs. Paul Villeré Bondy

Caroline Elizabeth Carrier (Caroline) — Ms. Catherine Elizabeth Liipfert

Elizabeth Corbett Gay (Elizabeth) — Mr. and Mrs. Mack Lee Gay III

Bishop Marie Godwin (Bishop) — Mrs. Lisa Bulliner Godwin and the late Mr. James Tolbert Godwin

Anne Grant Larimer (Annie) — Mr. and Mrs. Robert Paul Larimer

Belle Whitaker Rose (Belle) — Mr. and Mrs. Michael Scott Rose

Lucy Cooper Rose (Lucy) — Mr. and Mrs. Richard Jephthah Rose

Lindsey Anne Ross (Lindsey) — Mr. Douglas Hargrove Ross Mrs. John Girardeau Gardner, Jr.

Anne-Hunter Bailey Stone (Anne-Hunter) — Mr. Bryan Hunter Stone Mrs. Cindy Bailey Stone

Olivia Katherine Turnage (Olivia) — Mr. and Mrs. John Aaron Turnage

Roxboro

Mary McCaskill Holler (Mary Mac) — Mr. and Mrs. Roy Kemp Holler

Salisbury

Grace Ruthanna Steinman (Grace) — Dr. and Mrs. Timothy Charles Steinman

Mimi Scott Webb (Mimi) — Dr. and Mrs. William Whitaker Webb III

Sanford

Colbie Normann Stephens (Colbie Normann) — Mr. and Mrs. Clifton Gerald Stephens

Tarboro

Mary McCall Leland (Mary McCall) — Dr. and Mrs. William Joseph Leland and the late Lisa Sykes Leland

Julianne Scott Mayo (Julianne) — Mr. and Mrs. Columbus Washington Mayo IV

Emma Grace Sprinkle (Emma Grace) — Mr. and Mrs. Richard Noble Sprinkle

Wake Forest

Kelly Ann King (Kelly Ann) — Mr. and Mrs. David Wall King, Jr.

Charlotte Winston Welsh (Charlotte) — Mr. and Mrs. David Bradford Welsh

Washington

Kylee Anna Rodman Clancy (Kylee) — Mr. Kevin Clayton Clancy Mrs. Michelle Bergeron Clancy

Svetlana Lee Douglas (Laney) — Mr. Scott Orander Douglas Mrs. Ann Davis Douglas

Madison Virginia Gerard (Madison) — Mr. and Mrs. Walter Bennett Gerard IV

Alexandria George Nolley (Alex) — Mr. and Mrs. William Edwards Nolley, Jr.

Williamston

Anna Grayce Chesson (Anna) — Mr. and Mrs. Alphes Rupert Chesson, Jr.

Mary Taylor Peele (Mary Taylor) — Mr. and Mrs. William Oscar Peele III

Wilmington

Eugenia Baron Jenkins (Eugenia) — Mr. and Mrs. Pembroke Nash Jenkins

Lela Elizabeth King (Lela) — Mr. and Mrs. David Roscoe King

Mary Leighton Mannen (Mary Leighton) — Mr. and Mrs. Jerry Allen Mannen, Jr.

Rebecca Lynn Worsley (Rebecca) — Mr. and Mrs. Walter Cecil Worsley III

Emma Katherine Wright (Emma) — Mrs. Sara Scott Ford

Elizabeth Crawford Zimmerman (Libba) — Mr. and Mrs. Herman Webster Zimmerman III

Wilson

Mary Catherine Boyette (Mary Catherine) — Mr. and Mrs. Brent Ashley Boyette

Susan Lindeman Edgar (Lindeman) — Mr. and Mrs. Peter Bridgeford Edgar

Julia Frances Horton Fulford (Julia Frances) — Mr. Edward Arpe Fulford Mrs. Christy Williamson Graham

Nell St. Clair Morrison (St. Clair) — Mr. and Mrs. Brame Perry Morrison, Jr.

Marie Page Barnes Smith (Marie Page) — Mr. and Mrs. Eliot Frederick Smith

Sydney Abbott Williams (Sydney) — Mr. and Mrs. Lloyde Kent Williams

Windsor

Taylor Randall Wilson (Taylor) — Mr. Randall Boyd Wilson Mrs. Catherine Everett Wilson

Winston-Salem

Virginia Collier Caudill (Virginia) — Mr. and Mrs. Mark Collier Caudill

Isabel Leslie Hanson (Isabel) — Mr. and Mrs. William Rockefeller Hanson

Georgiana Dillon Hough (Georgiana) — Mr. and Mrs. Michael Royce Hough

Nancy Elizabeth Irvin (Lizzie) — Mr. and Mrs. Edward Lasater Irvin, Jr.

Ellie Amalie Kangur (Ellie) — Mr. and Mrs. Tonu Thomas Kangur, Jr.

Sarah Katherine Mann (Katie) — Mr. and Mrs. John Randolph Mann

Mary Dudley Newman (Mary Dudley) — Mr. and Mrs. Ancrum Boykin Newman

Elizabeth Edna Stockton (Elizabeth) — Mr. and Mrs. James Hill Stockton

Wrightsville Beach

Jane Woodard Hawthorne (Jane) — Mr. and Mrs. Henry Claiborne Hawthorne III

ITB Dad in Doghouse After Ruining Back to School Picture

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ITB Family Nearly Torn Apart Over School Photo

A Hayes Barton family was almost torn apart after a disastrous first day of school. Grace Anne Stewart, a mother of two, came close to filing for divorce after her husband, Charles Stewart, failed to take an adequate back to school picture of their children.

Grace Anne had gone out of town to be with her sister who was giving birth, one of the only reasons a mother would miss a back to school photo shoot of her kids. She laid out specific instructions and sent Charles a reminder text early Monday morning.

Charles woke up, read the text, remembered about half of it and began his day. He tried putting the kids into the outfits his wife had chosen, but gave up after the kids threw mild tantrums. He managed to get the children to write their names on the chalkboard by bribing them with an extra hour of iPad time after school, and quickly took the pictures. Distracted by an important commercial real estate call, Charles forgot to send the pictures to his wife and proceeded to drop the kids off at school. By 9:00 am, Grace Anne knew something was wrong and texted her husband.

Grace Anne: Charles! Where are the pictures?!

Charles: Sorry, got caught up on a call.

Grace Anne: It’s 9:05 am. Our picture won’t be seen by as many people if we don’t post it right now. We need at least 100 likes this year.

Charles sent the pictures at 9:06 am, which is also the exact moment his marriage nearly came to an end.

Grace Anne: CHARLES!!!!

Charles: Don’t the kids look cute?

Grace Anne: The chalkboard, Charles. The fucking chalkboard.

Charles: I put the chalkboard out!

Grace Anne: Yeah, you did, but those grades are from LAST YEAR. David had a huge growth spurt this summer. He doesn’t look like he’s going into the 4th grade, unless he’s the damn Hodor of Root. He’s a giant.

Charles: It’s not my fault the kids don’t know what grade they’re going into. There are literally 1 million pictures of kids going back to school today on social media. No one actually reads the chalkboards.

Grace Anne: Well my group text that I just sent these to noticed immediately. And I told you to put him in seersucker shorts and a Brooks Brothers polo from the ITBack to School Must Haves guide. Why is he wearing a Golden State Warriors t-shirt and basketball shorts?! This isn’t a Jaycee basketball game.


Brooks Brothers Polo

A quintessential part of the ITB wardrobe, the Brooks Brothers polo should be worn every day of the week. When not wearing a Brooks Brothers polo, make sure your child is wearing a t-shirt from an ITB acceptable restaurant, such as Sanitary, Beaufort Grocery, Angus Barn, etc.


Charles: I’ll fix it.

Grace Anne: How?! Now we don’t have a first day of school picture to post next to our last day of school picture at the end of the year! Do you want this to be your second divorce before you’re 35? We are done. DONE!

Charles knew nothing good could come from replying to an all caps “done” text message. Thinking he could salvage the picture, and hoping to avoid another costly divorce, Charles cancelled his commercial real estate appointment, hopped in his Yukon, and sped towards Root. He pulled the kids out of class, did 95 down Glenwood, arrived home, frantically made the kids change clothes and pose for another picture in front of the chalkboard, which he updated with the correct grades. He took a dozen pictures and sent them to his wife by 10:00 am.

Grace Anne: These are fine. But if this doesn’t get 100 likes so help me God…

As of 6:00 pm the picture only has 87 likes.


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The Top Caps Debacle

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I had a horrible day on Twitter on Thursday. The guys on Adam & Joe, a sports radio show on 99.9 The Fan, do this thing on Twitter called “Top 4 at 4” every day. They choose a topic and ask everyone to list their Top 4 things of that topic at 4:00 pm. Yesterday’s topic was a joke about NFL player Colin Kaepernick, often referred to as “Kap”. Apparently, Kap’s been in the news a lot for kneeling during the national anthem or something. I haven’t had time to keep up with the story, plus I really only care about Broughton football (currently 1-0, go Caps).


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Host Joe Ovies, friend of the media empire, tweeted out that the topic of the day was Top 4 Caps. Some friends alerted me to this because we obviously assumed Joe meant top Broughton Caps. I was in the middle of doing about 10 things at the same time when I learned about the topic, but I still took a few minutes to fire off my top 4. Since all Caps are #1 I listed them as such. I also wasn’t going to be limited to 4, because I don’t play by the rules. I sent the tweet and went back to dealing with Fyre Festival lawsuits, moms on micITBit, the Development Beat, and figuring out what to do with the Broughton intern that starts next week.

It wasn’t until I checked Twitter again that I realized I’d forgotten one of the Top Caps, Shavlik Randolph. I quickly sent another tweet adding a few more Top Caps.

A few hours later, Peyton Reed, a Broughton graduate and Hollywood Director (Ant-ManYes ManThe Break-UpBring It On, 13 episodes of the Back to the Future TV Series, and more) saw my tweet and replied.

Peyton and I had met back in June at the North Hills time capsule event, and he clearly felt left out. I felt horrible. In my rush to tweet at 4:00 pm I didn’t even think about non-sports Caps. (I included The Connells because my co-worker (yes, I have a co-worker now) and I were writing a “First Day at the Media Empire Quiz” for the Broughton intern. We had just come up with the question “Who is the greatest band from Raleigh?” so I was already thinking about The Connells.)


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I still had to make it up to Peyton Reed though. Knowing we were both fans of Back to the Future, my plan was to somehow go back in time and fix the tweet. I interrupted Bonner (he was busy calibrating the weather dome for hurricane season) and had him use all his Google Fiber to make me a Tahoe time machine with a flux capacitor so I could go back and fix my mistake.

When I still couldn’t fix the tweet I thought about asking Stacy Miller to sue Twitter for not letting me edit tweets, but he was busy welcoming his newborn ITBaby into the world (congratulations!). The best I could do was recreate the scene from Back to the Future II where Marty receives a letter from Doc after the DeLorean disappears when it was struck by lightning.

I wrote a similar letter to Peyton (on Crane & Co. stationery, obviously) and recorded a video of me reading the letter so I could include music from Back to the Future II. I then tweeted it to cement Peyton’s place on the Top Caps list.

This morning I woke up to the following tweet from Peyton.

What a relief. Still, I should have devoted more time to this list. I left off a ton of great Caps (Smedes York, Diane Payne, Babs Nichols, Colin Fickes, Junius Coston, Sharon Lawrence, Devonte’ Graham, and many many more).

So starting next week, the Broughton intern will begin working on our Top Caps series. We’ll feature profiles on the best of the best from Broughton. I don’t want to get ahead of myself, but we’ll probably win a Pulitzer. Stay tuned.

Update: This is heavy.

ITBack to School Must Haves

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You never get a second chance to make a good first impression. With schools across ITB starting soon, you’ll want to make sure your child has the appropriate accoutrements for their new year. The last thing you need as a parent is for little Davis III or Mary Anna to come home crying after the first day of school because they wore the wrong article of clothing or had a store brand snack in their lunch.

That’s why we’ve created this handy back to school guide that will ensure your children get off to a great start. This list isn’t the final say on the only acceptable items, but it provides standard issue ITB provisions that will meet the approval of your child’s peers.

We’ve even taken the time to link all of these products from Amazon so you can shop from the comfort of your home while watching Game of Thrones or that episode of Andy Cohen’s Then & Now that William Needham Finley IV was on. Plus, when you buy items by clicking these links you’ll be supporting the ITB Insider™ media empire, at no extra cost!


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North Face Backpack

A classic staple for ITB kids of all ages. Name brand? Check. Solid color that goes with anything? Check. Also, the Borealis is unisex so your child can’t be made fun of for having a backpack designed for the opposite sex.

Scout Lunch Bag

The days of bringing your lunch to school in a brown paper bag like it’s 1975 are over. If your child doesn’t show up at lunch with a doggie bag lunch cooler, they might as well eat alone in the janitor’s closet because that’s how much they’ll feel like an outcast around the other kids.

Lunch Container

Sure, you bought the designer lunch bag, but you aren’t going to put your child’s food in a ziplock bag are you? Those things are probably FULL of BPA, PVC, and phthalates. Save your child’s life by using these lunch containers. They also conveniently keep the different foods from touching, which is perfect for kids with OCD.

Pirate’s Booty

Pirate’s Booty has rocketed to the top of the snack food charts. Try sending your kid to school with a bag of Utz cheese balls and watch what happens when another mom notices while visiting her child at lunch. Your cheese ball move just became the talk of a thousand group texts.

Cheddar Bunnies

Like Pirate’s Booty, Annie’s Cheddar Bunnies are somewhat new to the snack game. The company itself wasn’t founded until 1989, but their Cheddar Bunnies are on par with the iconic Goldfish crackers. You probably can’t go wrong with either, but Annie’s just seems more ITB because of how much they shove that organic label in your face.

New Balance 990s


The only shoe you’ll ever need. Yeah your kid is probably begging for some new Under Armour shoe, but that’s just a fad. New Balances will never go out of style and will never blow a 3-1 lead in the NBA Finals.

Yeti Tumbler

You can’t just send your child to school with a bottle of Deer Park and call it a day anymore. Their drinks needs to have ice and that ice needs to stay frozen solid until you pick them up in the afternoon. Thank God YETI is the only tumbler with this type of ice preservation technology.

Lilly Planner

We all know you’re going to be the one planning your kid’s schedule, so you might as well look good doing it.

Trapper Keeper

The perfect receptacle for your child’s schoolwork, which you will ultimately be responsible for.

Sperry Top-Siders

Wearing Sperrys means that at anytime you can attend a semi-formal event, board a boat, or go to the beach. These are all possibilities your child could face at a moment’s notice. Always be prepared.

Kid Sperrys

Same as above. Start teaching your children the importance of wearing proper shoes as they navigate the waters of the Pullen Park boats. But not the paddle boats, those require too much work.

Brooks Brothers Polo

A quintessential part of the ITB wardrobe, the Brooks Brothers polo should be worn every day of the week. When not wearing a Brooks Brothers polo, make sure your child is wearing a t-shirt from an ITB acceptable restaurant, such as Sanitary, Beaufort Grocery, Angus Barn, etc.

While this guide is far from complete, it should be enough to get you started. Good luck to you and your children on another exciting year of attending ITB schools.


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The ITBest Places to Watch the Solar Eclipse

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Millions of people will gather on Monday afternoon to stare at the sun, which will be blocked by the moon for a few minutes in what is known as a “total solar eclipse.” This doesn’t happen very often, which is why so many people are freaking out over it. Classic supply and demand.

Apparently, there’s this thing called the “path of totality” which is the area where the eclipse will be the most blackout or, according to NASA, “the path that the moon’s shadow traces on Earth during a total solar eclipse.”


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We did some investigative journalism by looking at that map and discovered that Raleigh isn’t even in the path of totality. That means we’ll only get about 90% blackout, if you really believe the folks at NASA.

Most Raleigh residents seem excited about the eclipse, with Facebook posts seeking eclipse glasses numbering in the billions. So after conducting extensive research on planetary alignment and proximity to the beltline, we came up with the best places to view the solar eclipse in Raleigh.


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Carolina Country Club

The Club will be holding a members only viewing party of the total solar eclipse. An anonymous CCC representative commented, “We considered coming up with a plan to shift the Earth’s axis so that we would be directly in the path of totality, but the estimated cost was around $70 trillion. We didn’t feel comfortable asking members to pay higher dues for a 2 minute event. Plus we’re just really focused on the Deb Ball right now.”

Broughton Bell Tower

Broughton is commonly known as the center of the universe, which makes the bell tower the best place in the world to view the solar eclipse. Light refreshments will be served and the Broughton show choir will perform a rendition of “Total Eclipse of the Heart”. If you’ve already graduated, you’ll need to bring either a Caps Club pass, your diploma, or a class ring to get in.

Second Floor of Felson’s (Fosters/Nelson’s)

Once home to the highest number of weekend blackouts in Raleigh, Felson’s (Fosters/Nelson’s) is another great spot to view the eclipse. The second story offers amazing views of our beloved Cameron Village and downtown Raleigh. Attendees must be able to name the top 5 songs played on the NDF in order to be let in. Marcus will be checking IDs, just kidding, he’ll just be standing next to the door greeting people as they walk in.


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How to View the Eclipse

Once you select your location, you’ll need the proper viewing equipment. You could join the thousands of parents searching Facebook for $2 NASA approved glasses. Or you could just buy a pair of our custom-made LaClipse™ glasses. If you didn’t pick any of these up, your polarized Ray-Bans are probably fine. If you happen to burn your retinas out while wearing your Ray-Bans, my attorney Stacy Miller would be happy to represent you in a class action lawsuit against the sun.

These are safe.

With the proper location and equipment you should all have an enjoyable total solar eclipse viewing experience. Remember, just like mansion fires, it’s not safe to stare directly into the sun.


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Solar LaClipse Glasses Now Available

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Looking directly at the sun. It’s something we’ve all wanted to do at some point in our lives. Lately, this desire has become mainstream, thanks to the upcoming solar eclipse. I’ll be honest, I don’t actually know what a solar eclipse is, and I haven’t had time to Google it. I’m too busy talking to the BBC (again) about a Fyre Festival documentary, and with Vanity Fair (again) about being in their September Spain issue. So forgive me for not knowing all the phases of the sun or whatever this whole thing is about.


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This whole eclipse craze caught my attention thanks to the micITBit private Facebook group I run. Over the last few days, not an hour has gone by without a caring ITB mom posting to the group asking if anyone has extra eclipse glasses for sale. It seems that taking kids to and from the beach and Camp Sea Gull and Camp Seafarer left ITB moms with no time for ordering eclipse glasses online. Here’s a screenshot of just a few of the “in search of” (ISO) posts on micITBit.

As you can see from that last post, these moms just want to make sure their kids don’t burn their eyes out while staring into the sun. Apparently, “scientists” say the only safe way to look directly at a solar eclipse is through some type of filtering device, such as eclipse glasses. Well they’re wrong. Thanks to my revolutionary LaClipse™ glasses, you can finally stare directly into the sun whenever you’d like.

LaClipse™ Glasses (patent pending)

LaClipse™ glasses are constructed from the finest materials, sourced from local LaCroix boxes. The glasses come in three flavors: Pure, Lemon, and Pamplemousse. The color schemes go well with any outfit.


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LaClipse™ glasses are NOT certified by NASA, the FBI, the CIA, the Weather Channel, or whoever approves these things. Obtaining certification is a nightmare, with way too much red tape. Just trust me when I tell you these things are 100% safe. Again, you can stare directly into the sun while wearing these. I’m currently working on some LaClipse™ croakies, which should be available by the end of the day.


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For the low price of $100 per pair, you can be the coolest person at your upcoming eclipse party. There are currently three pairs available, but we can easily ramp up inventory by rounding up some kids from Root and Lacy to assist with mass production. Don’t worry, we’ll call it “Arts and LaCrafts” to avoid violating child labor laws, plus we won’t have to pay them anything.

The Vanity Fair August issues and VIP Guns N Roses “Not in This Lifetime Tour” book (one of only 4,000 made) are not for sale. I just put them in the picture for scale, and to brag.

I have the legal team at Stacy Miller’s office working on a trademark and a patent, so don’t even think about stealing this idea. Please let me know how many you’d like and in what flavor. You can Paypal me directly at wnfiv@itbinsider.com. Thank you all, and enjoy your LaClipse™ viewing.

Hayes Barton Mom Attempts to Sell Child for Holiday Express Tickets

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ITB Moms Miss Out on Holiday Express…Again

Local authorities were dispatched to the home of Mary Anna Howell after receiving a tip that she had attempted to sell her child on the internet in exchange for tickets to Pullen Park’s sold-out Holiday Express event. The yearly event features a festively lit Pullen Park and a train ride on The Holiday Express, which runs for 10 nights in December.


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Howell’s posting, below, was found in micITBit, a private Facebook group which serves as a forum for ITB residents to buy and sell new or used items, seek out recommendations, and bitch about a variety of topics.

“UGH, y’all, I can’t even right now. We just wanted to take our kids to a lit AF Pullen Park but the tickets sold out in MINUTES! I’d be willing to give up our second child for 4 tickets. PM me if you have extras. Thanks!”

Authorities arrived at the home in Hayes Barton around 9:00 am and found Howell drinking rosé from an ITBlessed wine glass. They confronted her about the post.

“I wasn’t “selling” my child, it was just a joke and it wasn’t even my firstborn. Give me a break,” said Howell, who has three children and runs a multi-million dollar monogram store on Etsy that she claims is not a business.


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Howell claims the post was made out of frustration, and pointed to other moms who expressed disappointment. Like clockwork, the Facebook comments began to roll in as the tickets went on sale around 8:00 am.


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“I saw William Needham Finley IV’s post about trying to save Christmas, but I just couldn’t wait any longer,” said Howell, referring to William Needham Finley IV’s attempt to rent out the entire park by reaching out to the Raleigh Parks Department on Twitter.

“If I can’t get tickets I’m definitely buying one of his photoshop packages,” said Howell, referring to Finley IV’s offer to photoshop pictures of families on the Holiday Express for a small fee.


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“He also said he was going to set up a class action lawsuit that Stacy Miller would help us on, so we may join that,” added Howell.

To prevent people from buying a large quantity of tickets for the purpose of reselling them, the City capped the number of tickets one could buy at 10 per transaction. However, that doesn’t stop people from opening up multiple browser windows and buying 10 at a time.

“Raleigh Parks employees apparently had a betting pool on how fast the tickets would sell out. I’m pretty sure betting is illegal. Someone might want to look into that,” snapped Howell, as an agent looked through her monogramming drawer.

“It makes no sense why the City only holds this for 10 days. Hell, start it with “Christmas in July” and run it for 6 months if you have to. And are we really just letting anyone sign up for this? This is a CITY park. They should be verifying ZIP codes before allowing people to buy tickets,” Howell continued to rant, opening a second bottle of rosé as authorities searched her home.

Authorities determined that pretending to sell your child online in exchange for tickets to a holiday event was not actually a crime, but have placed Howell on a watch list. As they left the Hayes Barton home they could hear Howell on the phone with her husband yelling, “Do they know who I am? I mean, do they know it’s Christmas time at all?”

Bonner Gaylord Running for City Council

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Raleigh native and Broughton graduate Bonner Gaylord is seeking a fifth term on the Raleigh City Council. He joins Stacy Miller on my list of ITBFFs running for office. As many of you know, I was instrumental in getting Bonner elected during the last race. I wasn’t “officially” working for or with the campaign, but we all know who was pulling the strings. I was the political mastermind behind this campaign poster:

This poster won an election.

With Bonner set to run for re-election in District E, which spans North Hills and northwest Raleigh, it’s time to take a look at his qualifications and a preview of his first campaign video that I wrote.


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He’s a Native

Bonner grew up in Raleigh. Here he is taking care of George the snake, showing leadership at an early age to ensure that none of the other children were eaten alive.

No child left behind, or devoured by a giant snake.

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Broughton

He went there.

“Ask not what your city can do for you, ask what you can do for your city,” – Bonner, probably.

Not only did Bonner attend Broughton and give a speech, he also played football. During his senior year he led the team in brooding on the sideline.

Clear eyes, full hearts, Go Caps.

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Smart Development

As the Managing Director of Kane Realty, Bonner helped turn North Hills from this:

into this:

He even let me include half of my Fyre Festival wristband and a fidget spinner in the time capsule that was recently buried at North Hills.

Brunch

Bonner voted in favor of adopting the new Brunch Bill in Raleigh, freeing mimosas across the land.


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Technology

Bonner loves technology. He brought a Facebook Virtual Reality demo that looked like an upscale mobile home to North Hills last year.

Bonner installing Google Fiber

During one of his first campaigns Bonner said he would name his unborn twins after the Google founders, Larry and Sergey, if they would bring Google Fiber to Raleigh. Seven years later Google Fiber is in Raleigh (sort of) and Bonner didn’t even have to name his kids Larry and Sergey. Total power move.

The Weather Dome

The Weather Dome that Bonner and I co-created has kept citizens safe from storms and rain for years. You’re welcome.

He’s related to Webb Simpson

Bonner and Webb are cousins, and have been their whole lives, which shows how loyal Bonner is. Bonner even helped Webb win the U.S. Open and hung a massive banner in North Hills to celebrate the victory.

ITB legend and U.S. Open Winner, Webb Simpson

Dix Park

Bonner’s been an advocate for Dix Park and has agreed to play the part of Dr. Alan Grant in my screenplay.

Soon

Bonner’s Surf Shop

It’s not just politics and North Hills with Bonner. He one day dreams of opening a Surf Shop in North Hills, close to Raleigh’s future downtown canal.

So basically, we have a native of Raleigh, who loves technology and gadgets, and devotes his life to his city. Sound familiar? I thought so too.

To help get all these talking points across to the general public, I pitched the following campaign video to Bonner, titled “A Day in the Life of Bonner”.

The camera fades in from black. It’s morning at Dix Park. An F3 PAX (it’s like a secret workout group) works out as the Raleigh skyline watches over them. Around 20 men are doing Empty Wheelbarrows up and down a hill with cases of Trophy Wife strapped to their backs. One stumbles near the top of the hill and as he’s about to fall backwards to certain death a hand reaches out to grab him. It’s Bonner. He looks in the camera and says, “Not on my watch.” He saves the man’s life and then helps him do 50 Fairy Jacks, because if you give a man a Fairy Jack, he’ll Fairy Jack for a workout, but if you teach a man to Fairy Jack he’ll Fairy Jack for a lifetime.


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Done with the workout, Bonner looks out over all of Dix Park and then turns to the camera and says, “Dix Park, the dinosaurs are coming.”

We follow Bonner as he rips off his F3 clothes to reveal a perfectly tailored suit from Hengs Suiting and Armoury underneath. He hops on a bikeshare bike and pedals off towards downtown Raleigh. He stops to help an old woman cross Western Boulevard of Broken Dreams. She thanks him and says, “Only 5 more miles until home.” Bonner says, “Ma’am, we have a growing bus system that will take you anywhere your heart desires.” Bonner helps the woman on to the next bus.

Bonner looks into the camera and says, “Transit. You pay for it, so you might as well use it.”


Former Broughton Quarterback Stacy Miller to Run for City Council


Bonner rides by some children selling refreshments and stops. “Hey lil’ entrepreneurs, what are you selling?”

A five-year-old wearing a Lilly Pulitzer dress replies, “LaCroix, it’s $5 a can.”

“$5 a can? That’s how much a 12 pack costs,” Bonner says.

“Where else are you going to get a cold refreshing LaCroix right now? Cash or charge?” the child replies.

“Capitalism! I love it. I’ll take two,” he says, handing her his credit card.

Bonner looks into the camera and says, “I’ll continue to support all businesses, big and small.”

Bonner then teaches every child in the neighborhood how to ride a bike and leaves his bikeshare bike behind. “Remember kids, sharing is caring,” he says as he pulls his phone out to order an Uber.

While waiting for his ride, Bonner looks into the camera and says, “Technology, let’s keep it up.”

Bonner hops in the Uber. The driver recently moved to Raleigh from New Jersey and uses the beltline to get around because he doesn’t know about ITB backroads. Bonner takes over as backseat DJ and plays a remix of The Connells that he made in high school, on repeat.

Bonner stops by City Council and signs off on the paperwork to make March 15th “ITB Insider Day” and passes a few other laws or whatever they do in City Council. He hops in his electric vehicle and heads home to his family, where he makes dinner, teaches his kids to read, checks on the status of the Weather Dome, and then responds to all of my Tweets before heading to bed.

As he reaches to turn the lights out, he looks in the camera and says, “Raleigh, It’s The Best.”

The End

I’m still waiting to hear back from Bonner and his team about when we’ll start shooting this. I’ll keep you updated, while Bonner keeps us safe.


Hayes Barton Family Camps Out for NOFO Brunch

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The mimosas have been freed and brunch is now better than ever. After the passing of the “Brunch Bill” and the approval from the City Council, Raleigh residents can now enjoy alcoholic beverages in restaurants starting at 10:00 am on Sundays. The law came as a result of many protests in support of freeing mimosas and Bloody Marys. Late last week Raleigh residents celebrated the historic law change and began making grand plans for their first boozy ITBrunch.


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The Norris family, who live in Hayes Barton, were determined to be first in line for Sunday brunch at NOFO. Their plan was to spend Saturday night camping out in the NOFO parking lot, sort of. The Hayes Barton family paid roughly $15,000 to have a sherpa construct an igloo out of YETI coolers and place it near the entrance to the restaurant. The igloo itself would be cooled by a portable air conditioning unit. That might sound luxurious, but the family didn’t actually plan on spending the night. “Well, we had church in the morning and our kids hate the outdoors. We figured we could pay the sherpa to spend the night in the YETI igloo and keep our place in line,” said James Norris V.

Families that pay a sherpa to build a YETI igloo to hold their spot in line, stay together.

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His wife, Mary Ann Norris, added, “We thought about just making the sherpa camp out in a tent but it’s so hot that we didn’t want to be responsible if something happened to him.” Unfortunately for the sherpa, the AC unit failed after a few hours causing him to abandon his spot to avoid heat stroke. The family was less than pleased. “We got to brunch and found the YETI coolers strewn across the parking lot and there was no sign of Padrig, or Paulo, or whatever his name was,” Mary Ann said. “It’s hard to find good help these days,” added James.


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The family had to wait in line, unlike my friends and I, who were the first to arrive at NOFO on Sunday morning. The red carpet was rolled out, Glowmosas from Humdinger were poured, and French Toast was ordered. I even brought my own ITBlessed glass, which I never leave home without. (Yes, these are available for sale, and my online store should be up in the next week.)

I documented the historic occasion on social media.

This was a great way to kick off my new ITBrunch series, where I’ll be touring Raleigh’s best brunch spots. I don’t even need to do an in-depth review of NOFO, since it’s already one of the top brunch places inside the beltline. Special thanks to NOFO for the wonderful hospitality. The whole experience gets a 5 out of 5 beltline rating.


Five Points Residents File Fireworks Class Action Suit

in Five Points/Humor/ITBNN by

Residents of Five Points are taking matters into their own hands after a disastrous 4th of July. To celebrate the birth of our great nation, many neighborhood residents gathered near the railroad tracks at the end of Bickett Boulevard to view the fireworks display being put on in downtown Raleigh. Then disaster struck. As the fireworks were starting, a Norfolk Southern train showed up and ruined everything.

“The train showed up right as the fireworks started and came to a complete stop. It would pull forward about ten feet then back up again, all while the train crossing signal kept ringing,” said Stahler McKinney, who notified me of this tragedy on Twitter.


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Neighbors became more irate as they stared at a large train blocking their view of the fireworks.

“We have rights. It’s in the Declaration of Rights,” said Liza Jane Wambles. “Who the hell is Norfolk Southern? Isn’t that in Brier Creek? I’ve been drinking rosé all day, hashtag rosé allll dayyy!!!!” she slurred, before being cut off by her husband, Banks Wambles.

“Please don’t say “hashtag” in public. We’ve been over this,” he said quietly, pulling the bottle of rosé away. “But yes, this is definitely a problem. Now we’ve got to deal with three kids under 5 asking where the fireworks are. We can only distract them with Pirate’s Booty for so long,” he added.


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Children could be heard crying “I can’t see! Moooooom, I can’t see!” while many parents wept silently, knowing there would be no end to the whining.

“This was basically our Vietnam. Explosions going off, the train crossing signal blaring, and little Charlie Jr. here torturing me with constant questions about why the train won’t move. I pushed my kids all the way out here in our UPPAbaby stroller that my wife got on micITBit. We were expecting to see fireworks.” said Charles Jarvis, a Five Points resident.

Emotions ran high as two dads fought over the last craft beer in the YETI Hopper. “My dad and Mr. Caldwell were wrestling in the street. Then Mr. Caldwell took a nap on the ground and the ambulance bagged and tagged him, so we went inside to play Mario Kart 8,” said one child, clearly desensitized to the ITB dad on ITB dad violence.

“now that Mr. Caldwell’s been bagged and tagged you wanna go play Mario Kart?”

“Yeah, the dad on dad crime isn’t a good look, but it happens. If word gets out that we can’t even see the fireworks from our neighborhood, our property values are going to plummet,” said Wambles.

The residents plan to sue Norfolk Southern for negligence, obstruction of independence, obstruction of freedom, potential decrease in property values, and “being annoying AF” as Liza Jane Wambles put it.  While the residents have yet to select a firm to handle the class action suit, they are expected to go with Stacy Miller and Miller Law Firm.


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Brunch Bill Passage Causes ITB Euphoria

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It’s finally over. Our long Sunday morning nightmare is over. Less than a week after Gov. Roy Cooper signed the “Brunch Bill” into law, the Raleigh City Council voted 7-1 to allow alcohol sales starting at 10 a.m. on Sundays, EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY.

“After reading about the Brunch Bill protests on ITB Insider™, we knew we had to act fast to approve this,” said an anonymous council member. “We didn’t want any more protests, and we certainly didn’t want another pastel-colored frat wall blocking the entrance at the Cameron Village Harris Teeter.”

I don’t want to take all the credit for this victory. A lot of other people helped out, including the NC Restaurant & Lodging Association, legislators, and businesses who wanted the law changed. But I will say that before I addressed this on ITB Insider™ the bill had not passed. Once I investigative journalismed the issue, the bill was passed. I’ll let you all read between the beltlines on that one.


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Upon hearing the news, residents cried tears of joy while group texting their friends to make Sunday brunch plans. “We were going to stay in Atlantic Beach through the weekend, but now that we can drink Bloody Marys two hours earlier we’re cutting our trip short. LOAD UP THE SUBURBAN, THOMAS, WE’RE GOING HOME,” said Hayes Barton resident Mary Lane Lane. Some residents became so excited after hearing the news that they couldn’t even keep their cars on the road.

At first I thought this might have been some sort of kamikaze attack on the Club by an OTB mom who was upset that her daughter wasn’t selected as a Deb. Then I remembered they haven’t sent out the Deb announcements for 2017 yet. This accident was clearly due to Brunch Bill euphoria.

How Brunch Impacts the ITB Economy

A representative from Capital Club 16 added that the law change would result in at least an additional $60,000 in mimosa sales…. each week. “This is great for our industry. I’ve had to hire 4 new employees just to manage our mimosa wheels.” The law change isn’t just helping restaurants that offer brunch. A representative from Capital Creations added that this was great for their business as well. “Giving people two more hours to drink mimosas and Bloody Marys is great for us. By the time people are done with a Sunday Funday and that French Toast has worn off they’re dying for a Sunday night anxiety pizza. We support the move 100%.”


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It’s time to celebrate our newfound brunch freedom. I wanted to throw an ITBrunch Bash at Dix Park featuring The Connells with a menu of Rise biscuits, flights of French Toast from my favorite brunch restaurants, and Glowmosas. (A Glowmosa is a combination of the traditional mimosa and Glow, a juice made from pineapple, apple, mint, and lime from my friends at Humdinger. When combined with champagne this becomes the Glowmosa, a drink far superior to your run-of-the-mill mimosa.) We’d even have a mimosa ice luge shaped like the beltline. After eating, drinking, and Instagramming it all, we would take three hour Netflix naps and everything would be right in the world. Then I realized you have to get permits, call caterers, and do a lot of work, which we literally don’t have time for.

Preview of the ITBrunch Bash in Dix Park.

Instead, I’ll be dining at either NOFO or Capital Club 16 to kick off this new era of brunch. I’m also going to ask my lobbyists to get every good brunch spot in town to add the Glowmosa to their menu. I look forward to celebrating this Sunday. Thank you once again to all who were involved in making this happen. Now it’s time to work on a law to keep Chick-fil-A open on Sunday.


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