by William Needham Finley IV™

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ITBlake Investigates: Broughton’s Off-Campus Lunch Pass Conspiracy

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Every year, junior and senior students at Broughton ask themselves, “Why do I pay $170 for a parking spot and then another $20 for an off-campus lunch pass? Why is this so expensive and where does the money go?” A new theory suggests that the high cost of the off-campus lunch pass is the result of the money going not towards school supplies, but something much more dubious. But what?

A closer look inside classrooms points to where the money is heading. Walk into any Broughton classroom and you’ll find students sleeping. The administration has fought this for years, but finally embraced the practice once they realized they could benefit from it. A former Broughton teacher, who requested anonymity, told us of the existence of a controversial program being used by the administration. I began to investigate.

Referred to as “InceptiCap”, the program is modeled after the documentary Inception, which details the top-secret government program used to enter a person’s dreams to plant an idea into their mind. Since students sleep through class anyway, the Broughton administration figured they could utilize the practice of inception in order to educate students and, as a result, increase end of year test scores and graduation rates.


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It’s common knowledge that Broughton keeps the 2nd and 3rd floors warmer by not turning on the AC. This makes students more susceptible to falling asleep. A PASIV device is placed on a student once they fall asleep, allowing teachers to implant ideas into that student’s mind. If the class is boring enough, the student enters limbo (the longest dream state), which is why many claim that some classes (most commonly math) seem to last for years. In their mind, they are sitting through 10 years of learning calc.

Broughton students have started to catch on to this scheme and have become more vigilant. Similar to the Inception documentary, many students now carry fidget spinners with them at all times to help them determine what’s real and what’s a dream. If their fidget spinner never stops spinning, the student is still asleep and being forced to learn against their will.

the original fidget spinner

Clearly the outrageous price of the off-campus lunch passes can be directly linked to funding the InceptiCap program. Like any good conspiracy, that answer just led to more questions, and I needed more answers. Who exactly was the mastermind behind this scheme and why were students footing the bill? Why doesn’t the PTA just pay for this? I confronted Mr. Corsetti, Physics teacher and first ballot Broughton Hall of Famer, with my findings and was met with a dead end. (Press play)

I posted my Zapruder film to Instagram and by last night it had already hit the Explore page.

With all the extra attention I’ve brought to this matter, henceforth known as “off-campus lunch passgate”, it appears the administration is now spending even more money on a cover-up. I’ve reached out to Stacy Miller about representing Broughton students in a Caps class action lawsuit, but he’s busy running for City Council. While some could say the practice of InceptiCap is done for the greater good, the question of why we have to spend $20 on an off-campus lunch pass remains. Will the Broughton administration lower the prices of off-campus lunch passes now that I’ve blown the lid off this conspiracy?

Keep dreaming.


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Welcome to ITBlake Investigates

in Humor/ITB Intern by
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A message from WNFIV: I’m thrilled to present ITBlake the intern’s first article for ITB Insider™. In addition to making dank memes and trying to get 1,000 followers on social media, he’ll be working on an investigative series for us.

Hey everyone,

It’s ITBlake here with the first of many weekly investigative articles. You may be thinking, who is ITBlake and what is he going to investigate? Well, I’m the first ever intern at ITB Insider™. Yes, I am a real person. Yes, I am getting class credit as a senior at Broughton for this.

As a small child I began investigative journalism by giving people news they wouldn’t get from the lamestream media and Big Sesame Street. At age 11 I was the youngest person ever to climb and investigate Mt. Everest while wearing American Chubbies. When I was 16 and got my license, I became the second best driver in the world, behind Ricky Bobby. As I finish my last year of high school, it made sense to put my investigative skills to good use at the only media empire worth paying attention to.


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What have I been up to?
I have many responsibilities as an ITB Insider™ intern. First and foremost, I’m responsible for making sure everyone’s BLC (Blood LaCroix Content) is at least 12% at all times. I do research on important issues like the big “What’s really in LaCroix?” scandal that rocked the world this week. I’m constantly on call to assist Bonner Gaylord with the weather dome. Despite not having any legal education whatsoever, I’ve been helping Stacy Miller in the trial of the millennium against the Fyre Festival bandits. I’m also required to stay up-to-date on Broughton history and trivia.


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What’s going on at Broughton?
I’ll be providing updates on the best high school in the world. Here’s what’s going on this week:
9/15/17 – Broughton vs Rolesville Varsity Football game – 7:00 pm at Broughton. Hurricane financial aid donations will be collected.
9/22/17 – Club Fair – Students get to see what clubs they can sign up for. Speaking of clubs, apparently someone started a LaCroix Club. I’m not sure exactly what the club will do, but WNFIV has already called for an investigation.

an actual flyer at broughton right now

10/6/17 – Homecoming – This year’s theme is “Battle of the Bands” and students are already hard at work building floats for the parade. It sure would be nice if a lovable guitar-playing mascot who went to Broughton were allowed to participate in the festivities…

What comes next?
After my first week of watching Shav highlights, reading the August issue of Vanity Fair multiple times, and listening to The Connells, I’m ready to start investigating the issues that matter.

I’ll cover the obvious topics like Queen of Hearts and prom, but also plan to tackle the hard hitting questions like, “Why are off campus lunch passes $20 when I already paid $170 for a parking pass?” and “Why isn’t there AC on the 2nd and 3rd floor of Broughton right now? How many students have to be mildly uncomfortable until a change is made? How many?!?!” Most importantly, I will help grow the media empire and make sure ITBlake is a name you can rely on and trust.

Want more of ITBlake?
You can follow me on Instagram @itbintern and on Twitter @ITBintern. You can also read more about my first week on the job below. If you have any stories you’d like me to investigate, please email intern@itbinsider.com.

Broughton Intern Passes with Flying Pastel Colors


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Broughton Intern Passes with Flying Pastel Colors

in Broughton/Humor/ITBNN by
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I needed help. It was late April and I was drowning under the demands of running a media empire, getting ready to attend the Fyre Festival, editing the Development Beat, and answering 50 messages a day from people in micITBit, a secret closed Facebook group for moms that I had just accidentally started. It was all so overwhelming that I was stress eating an entire Capital Creations Sunday night anxiety pizza in one sitting. And then it happened. The divine power that is Broughton High School intervened. Broughton’s internship coordinator reached out and asked if I would like to have an intern during the upcoming school year. It was fate. This was potentially the answer to maybe one or two of my problems, depending on how capable this high school student was. I immediately said yes and met with the coordinator, who informed me that she had selected the perfect candidate for my growing media empire. His name was Blake and he was a rising senior.


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Over the next few months I continued to expand the media empire with appearances on Andy Cohen’s tv show on BRAVO, being featured in Vanity Fair, and doing interviews with hundreds of outlets (including a 7 minute TMZ Live interview with my ITBFF Harvey), while Blake spent the summer globetrotting around Europe and a few other countries that I already forgot. By last week he was ready to start his first day at the ITB Insider™ media empire.

We had a plan for Blake. We were going to teach him about advertising rates, sponsored posts, how to monetize social media accounts, and much more. But before that could happen we had to make sure he was someone we could ITBelieve in. The first thing we did was make him take a quiz about Broughton. Seriously.

First Week Pop Quiz

I asked my followers for question suggestions the night before the quiz and got so many amazing responses that we’ll be launching an ITB quiz series. Feel free to submit more questions to wnfiv@itbinsider.com. We didn’t want to overwhelm Blake on his first day, so we kept the quiz to 16 questions. The answer key is at the bottom of this post.

Pop Quiz – Week 1 – August 30, 2017

1.) What year was Broughton founded?
a.) 1987
b.) 1929
c.) 1776
d.) 1969

2.) What does the middle initial “B” in the school’s name stand for?
a.) Bae
b.) Beltline
c.) Bryant
d.) Basic

3.) What floor is the pool on?
a.) Basement
b.) First floor
c.) Second floor
d.) Fourth floor

4.) What was the nickname of the lovable unofficial mascot who rode his bike to every home and away game, had killer dance moves, and played guitar?
a.) Dash
b.) Flash
c.) Crash
d.) DSart

5.) What is the greatest band from Broughton?
a.) The Connells
b.) The Village People
c.) Dishwalla
d.) Chatham County Line


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6.) How many points did Shav score when he broke Pistol Pete’s all-time single-game scoring record?
a.) 44
b.) 42
c.) 56
d.) 70

7.) What is the maximum distance Colonel Barber would chase a student attempting to skip school?
a.) 4 blocks
b.) 1 mile
c.) 3 miles
d.) To the end of the Earth

8.) What is the senior tradition involving the bell tower?
a.) Students are locked in the bell tower for two weeks without food or water. The survivor is named Valedictorian.
b.) Students get to go inside and sign their name on the wall.
c.) One student is chosen to live in the tower for the entire year.
d.) Students are allowed to take a rappelling course where they rappel down the bell tower.

9.) What TV show was Broughton graduate Sharon Lawrence on?
a.) NYPD Blue
b.) Pacific Blue
c.) The Big Bad Show
d.) Game of Thrones

10.) How much time does it take to drive from the flagship Bojangles’ on Western after Friday morning breakfast and still only be 3 minutes late to Caps Class?
a.) 5 minutes
b.) 9 minutes
c.) 12 minutes
d.) 15 minutes

11.) What TV show was Broughton graduate Colin Fickes on?
a.) Dawson’s Creek
b.) One Tree Hill
c.) Boston Public
d.) Law & Order


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12.) How many state titles has NC Soccer Hall of Fame Coach Izzy Hernandez won?
a.) 7
b.) 2
c.) 3
d.) 11

13.) Which movies did Broughton graduate Peyton Reed direct?
a.) Ant-Man
b.) Yes Man
c.) The Break-Up
d.) Bring It On

14.) How many times did Coach Hernandez’s teams finish ranked number 1 in the NATION?
a.) 0
b.) 1
c.) 2
d.) 3

15.) What does AC stand for?
a.) Air conditioning
b.) Algebra Club
c.) Albert Clifford
d.) All Clear

16.) Finish this sentence: Approve ye that which is…
a.) Gnarly
b.) Excellent
c.) Average
d.) Whatever

We then went over a few personality questions.

What’s your favorite ITB street to drive on?
Oberlin

What’s your favorite ITB ZIP code?
27605

If you could be a Dog of ITB (follow @dogsofitb), what type of dog would you be and why?
Husky, because they’re like an icy German Shepherd.

If you were to create a slogan for your life, what would it be? (Example: Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow, we die.)
Be chill or hype but never anything in between.

Favorite floor of Broughton?
The pods

We reviewed his answers and after a long deliberation we decided that he was fit to work with us. To stay on #brand we renamed him ITBlake and held an ITBaptism using Pamplemousse LaCroix to make it official.

It was time to introduce ITBlake to the world. We took the required first day at the ITB Insider™ media empire picture and posted it online.

What we didn’t plan on was ITBlake becoming an overnight sensation. People went nuts.

In less than a week, ITBlake’s picture became the 5th most liked picture on my Instagram in the last YEAR. That includes all the pictures of Fyre Festival (which I went to), pics of Webb Simpson, and pics of Trophy Wife sunsets (#followthesun).

Fame

Seeing that type of boy band level hysteria made us realize we needed to leverage this opportunity. So, in addition to his normal duties of making sure our LaCroix is always 42 degrees and learning how a media empire works, we are now going to make ITBlake famous. We created @ITBIntern Twitter and @ITBIntern Instagram accounts for him and have added “Make dank memes” and “Get 1,000 followers” to his learning objectives.

We hit our first teachable moment when we let ITBlake choose his own profile picture for Instagram.

While we applaud ITBlake for combining American flag Chubbies shorts with the beltline and the North Carolina flag, we were concerned people wouldn’t believe this was an ITB approved account. What ITBlake didn’t realize is that there are a lot of knock-off ITB accounts out there, some that even use our own logo to try to gain followers by riding our coattails. We had to make sure he was staying on ITBrand, so we did an entire logo overhaul for ITB Insider™. The graphic design work was done by Broughton graduate Katie Bryant, which is why it looks so amazing. We’ve also partnered with her and Southern Ego Clothing, a company run by Broughton graduate Roshad Williams, to make sure you can get these logos on every piece of clothing you could ever dream of. More on that coming soon.

Our new ITBrand

We’ve been recording these teachable moments with ITBlake and plan to launch a podcast in the next few weeks. This is going to be the most entertaining internship ever. Everyone please join us in welcoming ITBlake to the team. Follow him on Instagram. Like everything that he does. Make him famous.

If you have any suggestions on things that ITBlake should work on, please e-mail him at intern@itbinsider.com.

First Week Pop Quiz Answer Key

1.) b. 1929
2.) c. Bryant
3.) d. Fourth floor
4.) b. Flash
5.) either a. The Connells or d. Chatham County Line were acceptable
6.) c. 56
7.) d. To the end of the Earth
8.) b. Students get to go inside and sign their name on the wall
9.) a. NYPD Blue
10.) b. 9 minutes
11.) this was a trick question, as Colin Fickes was on all of these shows
12.) d. 11
13.) another trick question, as Peyton Reed has directed all of these movies
14.) c. 2
15.) b. Algebra Club
16.) b. Excellent

Terps Announce 2017 Deb Class

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Being a Debutante is a great honor, second only to being on the Queen’s Court at Broughton’s Queen of Hearts. The Terpsichorean Club of Raleigh recently announced participants in the 91st annual Debutante Ball. The Club, comprised mostly of my ITBFFs from Raleigh, was formed in the 1920s to sponsor an annual statewide Debutante Ball to present many of North Carolina’s prominent young women and to honor their families. For the outsiders reading this, let me explain. The Deb Ball is sort of like The Hunger Games, where representatives from each district gather together in the Capitol, but with less human sacrifice (although there was that time one of my roommates got shot with a pellet gun the night before the Deb Ball and we were up until 5:00 am with him in the emergency room). The Ball has been held every year since 1923, with the exception of the World War II years (thanks a lot, Hitler).

We’re just a few days away from the festivities, so it’s time to take a look at the Deb Class of 2017.


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29 Debs have double names. Unfortunately, the elusive triple named Deb did not emerge this year.


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A lot of thought and deliberation went in to selecting the 2017 class.

 

Without further ado, here are the 2017 Debutantes. Raleigh is listed first because it’s the best. The name of the debutante is listed first, followed by the name of the parents.

Raleigh

Catherine Gayle Bernhardt (Catherine) – Mr. and Mrs. Mark Randall Bernhardt

Mary Powell White Boney (Mary Powell) — Mr. and Mrs. Martin McConnico Boney

Callee Elise Boykin (Callee) — Mr. and Mrs. Duke Graham Boykin, Jr.

Anna Elizabeth Bunn (Elizabeth) — Mr. William Henry Bunn IV Ms. Margaret Holt Bunn

Emerson Harmon Burkhardt (Emerson) — Mr. and Mrs. David Christian Burkhardt

Wynn Alexandra Burrus (Wynn) — Mr. and Mrs. Erik Sikes Burrus

MaryClaire Katherine Caldwell (MaryClaire) — Mr. and Mrs. Edmond William Caldwell, Jr.

Elizabeth Byrum Camak (Liza) — Mr. and Mrs. Stephen Neal Camak

Anna Teague Capel (Anna) — Mr. and Mrs. Christopher Blair Capel

Magen Taylor Colgan (Magen) — Mr. and Mrs. Timothy James Colgan

Anna Elizabeth Collawn (Anna) — Dr. and Mrs. James Belknap Collawn

Sandra Shawen Conway (Shawen) — Mr. and Mrs. Paul Blackwell Conway, Jr.

Olivia Cross Cummings (Olivia) — Mrs. and Mrs. William Kent Cummings

Grace Landon Dorsett (Grace) — Mr. and Mrs. James Kye Dorsett III

Rachel Avery Edwards (Rachel) — Mr. and Mrs. Val Joyner Edwards, Jr.

Vaden Elizabeth Ellwanger (Vaden) — Ms. Anna Dunn Fonville Mr. Mark Bernard Ellwanger

Mary Ellis Fanney (Mary Ellis) — Mr. John Kiah Fanney Ms. Marianna Wynn Bass

Dixie Marie Finley (Dixie) — Mr. and Mrs. Albert Earle Finley III

Caroline Whitehurst Fountain (Caroline) — Mr. and Mrs. David Burton Fountain

Logan Elyse Francis (Logan) — Mr. and Mrs. Charles Theophilus Geoffrey Francis

Catherine Charlotte George (Catherine) — Mr. and Mrs. William Craig George

Ella Donnell Gilliam (Ella) — Mr. Frank Donnell Gilliam Mrs. Joseph Thomas Ward, Jr.

Elizabeth Darden Grubb (Darden) — Mr. and Mrs. Robert Gordon Grubb

Ryan Elizabeth Haar (Ryan) — Mr. and Mrs. Richard Venable Haar, Jr.

Georgia Craven Harris (Georgia) — Mr. and Mrs. Lawrence Worth Harris III

Katherine Ann Hawkins (Kate) — Mr. and Mrs. David Dwight Hawkins II

Mary Branch Henderson (Branch) — Mr. and Mrs. Andrew Downing Henderson

Lily Rutherford Highsmith (Lily) — Mr. and Mrs. Michael Wilson Highsmith

Della Hobson Huffines (Della) — Mr. Dewey Hart Huffines Mrs. Della Williams Huffines

Alison Merritt Hughes (Alison) — Mr. and Mrs. Alan Marion Hughes

Mary Eleanor Hunter (Mary Ellen) — Mr. and Mrs. Robert Vernon Hunter

Julia Frances Hurst (Julia) — Mr. Frank Michael Hurst Mrs. Marcia Hurst-Jellema

Mary Corinne Forehand Jackson (Mary Rinne) — Mr. and Mrs. John Michael Jackson

Charlotte Healy Jones (Charlotte) — Mr. and Mrs. Robert Healy Jones

Hannah Elizabeth Jones (Hannah) — Mr. and Mrs. Lamar Jones, Jr.

Mary Louise Kehaya (Mary Louise) — Mr. and Mrs. Mark Whitaker Kehaya

Daisy Shields King (Daisy) — Mr. and Mrs. Mark Charles King

Sarah Grace Lasso (Sarah Grace) — Mr. and Mrs. Scott James Lasso

Emilie Walton Lewis (Emilie) — Mr. and Mrs. Malcolm Gratwick Lewis

Madeline Bonneau McElveen (Mads) — Dr. and Mrs. John Thomas McElveen, Jr.

Sarah Campbell Mitchell (Sarah) — Mr. and Mrs. John Fletcher Mitchell

Margaret McKinley Payne (Maggie) — Mr. and Mrs. William McKinley Payne III

Caroline Claire Poole (Caroline) — Mr. and Mrs. William Kenan Poole

Kathryn Bowen Powers (Katy) — Mr. and Mrs. Frank Poydras Powers, Jr.

Baye Bryan Reddy (Baye) — Mr. Joseph Bryan Reddy Mrs. Julie Wall Sparr

Lily Gray Revels (Lily) — Mr. and Mrs. James Bradley Revels

Madeline Grace Rieker (Madeline) — Dr. and Mrs. Robert Paul Rieker, Jr.

Lucy Baldwin Russell (Lucy) — Mr. and Mrs. Harold Edward Vann Russell

Amelia Nicole Rustin (Amelia) — Mr. and Mrs. John Lockwood Rustin

Sarah Elisabeth Sanchez (Sarah) — Mr. and Mrs. Gregory Joseph Sanchez

Maribelle Lea Scoggin (Maribelle) — Mr. William Gwin Scoggin Mrs. Gail Coates Scoggin

Lucy Carter Smith (Lucy) — Mr. and Mrs. William Carr Smith, Jr.

Mary Kendall Stephenson (Kendall) — Mr. and Mrs. Michael Wayne Stephenson

Elizabeth Louisa Taylor (Eliza) — Mr. and Mrs. Adam Lockhart Taylor

Katherine Connell Tehan (Katherine) — Mr. Glenn Keith Tehan Mrs. Holly Connell Tehan

Sara Scott Thompson (Sara Scott) — Mr. and Mrs. Jonathan Scott Thompson

Elizabeth LaRue Tollison (Elizabeth) — Mr. and Mrs. Michael Scott Tollison

Britt Olivia Warner (Britt) — Mr. and Mrs. Michael Wayne Warner

Harriet Rhett Warner (Hattie) — Mr. and Mrs. Gregory Alan Warner

Kathryn Langill Watson (Katie) — Mr. and Mrs. Arthur David Watson

Ella Margaret Webster (Ella) — Mr. James Aldean Webster III and Mrs. Mary Ann Parrott

Schuyler McFall Weisel (Schuyler) — Mr. Michael Lloyd Weisel Dr. Deborah Lamm Weisel

Caroline Claire Wells (Caroline) — Mr. William Allen Wells Mrs. Joanna Winecoff Holt

Mary Glenn West (Mary Glenn) — Mr. and Mrs. Myron Craig West

Emma Suzanne Willard (Emma) — Mr. and Mrs. Christopher Lacy Willard

Hallie Royster Williams (Hallie) — Mr. James Hofler Williams Mrs. Juliana Pattisall-Williams

Margaret Reed Williams (Molly) — Mr. and Mrs. Charles Coleman Williams

Allie Elizabeth Wilson (Allie) — Dr. and Mrs. Jon Jay Wilson

Clare Kathryn Zaytoun (Clare) — Dr. and Mrs. Henry Stanley Zaytoun, Jr.

Mattison White Zinner (Mattison) — Mr. and Mrs. Clifford Tod Zinner


ITBack to School Must Haves


Apex

Hannah Leigh Schmitt (Hannah) — Mr. and Mrs. David James Schmitt

Asheboro

Margaret Katharine Redding (Maggie) — Dr. and Mrs. John Fulton Redding II

Asheville

Caroline Kirk Jordan (Caroline) — Dr. and Mrs. Henry Watson Jordan II

Beaufort

Ruth Barnett Brady (Ruthie) — Mr. and Mrs. Walter Douglas Brady

Burlington

Emma Chapman McQueen (Emma) — Doctors Chapman Teague McQueen and Shannon Dudley McQueen

Cary

Julia Anne Elizabeth Bullard (Julia Anne) — Mr. and Mrs. Bern Fraust Bullard III

Chapel Hill

Marjorie Coddington White (Marjorie) — Mr. and Mrs. David Grier White, Sr.


ITB Dad in Doghouse After Ruining Back to School Picture


Charlotte

Lyndsay McBrayer Cooper (Lyndsay) — Mr. and Mrs. William Robert Cooper, Jr.

Mary Alexandria Edmiston (Mary Alex) — Mr. and Mrs. George Harrell Edmiston, Jr.

Sydney Elizabeth Farris (Sydney) — Mr. and Mrs. Ray Simpson Farris III

Elizabeth Mason Sheridan (Mason) — Mr. Robert Howard Sheridan III and the late Mrs. Robert Howard Sheridan III

Catherine Ellis Shircliff (Catherine) — Mr. and Mrs. Thomas Joseph Shircliff

Anne Garland Ullrich (Annie) — Mr. and Mrs. George Christian Ullrich II

Erin Carey Werthmuller (Erin) — Dr. and Mrs. William Carey Werthmuller

Clayton

Katherine Taylor Riley (Katherine) — Mr. and Mrs. William Brian Riley

Clinton

Vanna Lucille Prestage (Vanna) — Mr. and Mrs. John Leon Prestage

Concord

Sara Wilder Bryant (Sara Wilder) — Mr. and Mrs. David Wesley Bryant

Dunn

Morgan Elizabeth Goff (Morgan) — Lieutenant Colonel and Mrs. Jerry Christopher Goff

Allie Dalrymple Snipes (Allie) — Mr. and Mrs. John Dalrymple Snipes

Durham

Sarah Preston Rollins (Sarah) — Mr. and Mrs. Steed Rollins, Jr.

Edenton

Lillian Frances Winborne (Lil) — Mr. and Mrs. Paul Faison Smith Winborne

Sarah Perryman Winborne (Perry) — Mr. and Mrs. Paul Faison Smith Winborne

Elizabeth City

Lauren Elizabeth Luther (Lauren) — Mr. and Mrs. Robert Willard Luther III

Margaret Leah Small (Maggie) — Mr. and Mrs. Jeffrey Reed Small

Fayetteville

Charlotte Barker Broadwell (Charlotte) — Mr. and Mrs. Dohn Bedell Broadwell, Jr.

Emma Kelley McCauley (Emma) — Mr. and Mrs. John William McCauley

Jane Huske Schaefer (Jane) — Dr. and Mrs. William Dickson Schaefer

Gastonia

Natalie Montgomery Jordan (Natalie) — Dr. and Mrs. Richard Montgomery Jordan

Katherine Scott Pierce (Scotty) Mr. David Scot Pierce Mrs. Christine Currence Pierce

Goldsboro

Margaret Newman Pope (Margaux) — Mr. and Mrs. Emmett Judson Pope III

Greensboro

Noelle Ann Cornelius (Noelle) — Mr. Perry Wayne Cornelius and Dr. Polly Butler Cornelius

Mary McAfee Cowan (Mary Mac) — The Reverend and Mrs. Daniel Newton Farnell Cowan

Olivia Reid Johnson (Liv) — Mr. and Mrs. Wallace Rogers Johnson III

Josephine Allen Myers (Josie) — Mr. and Mrs. James Micheal Cowhig

Greenville

Martha Campbell Bennett (Martha) — Mr. and Mrs. Thomas Allen Bennett, Jr.

Sarah Hampton Stephenson (Sarah) — Dr. and Mrs. Hale Hampton Stephenson

Maggie Elizabeth White (Maggie) — Mr. Julian Jordan White III Mrs. Rom Watson Jenkins

Hickory

Lily Chappell O’Hair (Lily) — Mr. and Mrs. Dana Cameron O’Hair

Grace Beaver Simmons (Grace) — Mr. Robert Underdown Simmons Mrs. Angela Beaver Simmons

Mary Katherine Sowers (Mary Katherine) — Mr. and Mrs. Michael William Sowers

Knightdale

Emma Frances DeMent (Emma) — Mr. and Mrs. Russell Weldon DeMent III Mrs. Jennifer Strunk Baccus

Lenoir

Samantha Holmes Barnhardt (Sam) — Mr. and Mrs. Boyd Lucas Barnhardt

Lexington

Elliott Parker Klass (Ellie) — The Honorable and Mrs. Mark Elliott Klass

Sydney Elizabeth Parker (Sydney) — Mr. and Mrs. Charles Todd Parker

Emerson Jane Williams (Emerson) — Mr. and Mrs. Alan Richard Williams

Littleton

Virginia Maye Neal (Ginnie) — Mr. and Mrs. William Kreisler Neal, Jr.

Manteo

Jennifer Alexandra White (Alex) — Mr. and Mrs. Brian William White

Morehead City

Alice Cox Pittman Horton (Alice Cox) — Mr. and Mrs. Thomas Joseph Horton, Jr.

Sloane Irwin Pfaff (Sloane) — Mr. and Mrs. Charles Andrew Pfaff, Jr.

Murfreesboro

Laurel Frances Boone (Laurel) — Mr. James Wood Boone, Jr. Mrs. Bonnie Britt Boone

Nashville

Mackenzie Rose Lambert (Mackenzie) — Mr. and Mrs. Thomas Lee Lambert

New Bern

Anna Louise Flanagan (Anna Louise) — Mr. Michael Perkins Flanagan and the Honorable Louise Wood Flanagan

Pinehurst

Lydia Jane Seifert (Lydia) — Mr. and Mrs. John Alexander Webster

Sarah Ashcraft Seifert (Sarah) — Mr. and Mrs. John Alexander Webster

Rocky Mount

Mary Allison Barnes (Allison) — Mr. Luther Matthew Barnes IV Mrs. Tiffany Mewborn Barnes

Catherine Courtney Bondy (Courtney) — Dr. and Mrs. Paul Villeré Bondy

Caroline Elizabeth Carrier (Caroline) — Ms. Catherine Elizabeth Liipfert

Elizabeth Corbett Gay (Elizabeth) — Mr. and Mrs. Mack Lee Gay III

Bishop Marie Godwin (Bishop) — Mrs. Lisa Bulliner Godwin and the late Mr. James Tolbert Godwin

Anne Grant Larimer (Annie) — Mr. and Mrs. Robert Paul Larimer

Belle Whitaker Rose (Belle) — Mr. and Mrs. Michael Scott Rose

Lucy Cooper Rose (Lucy) — Mr. and Mrs. Richard Jephthah Rose

Lindsey Anne Ross (Lindsey) — Mr. Douglas Hargrove Ross Mrs. John Girardeau Gardner, Jr.

Anne-Hunter Bailey Stone (Anne-Hunter) — Mr. Bryan Hunter Stone Mrs. Cindy Bailey Stone

Olivia Katherine Turnage (Olivia) — Mr. and Mrs. John Aaron Turnage

Roxboro

Mary McCaskill Holler (Mary Mac) — Mr. and Mrs. Roy Kemp Holler

Salisbury

Grace Ruthanna Steinman (Grace) — Dr. and Mrs. Timothy Charles Steinman

Mimi Scott Webb (Mimi) — Dr. and Mrs. William Whitaker Webb III

Sanford

Colbie Normann Stephens (Colbie Normann) — Mr. and Mrs. Clifton Gerald Stephens

Tarboro

Mary McCall Leland (Mary McCall) — Dr. and Mrs. William Joseph Leland and the late Lisa Sykes Leland

Julianne Scott Mayo (Julianne) — Mr. and Mrs. Columbus Washington Mayo IV

Emma Grace Sprinkle (Emma Grace) — Mr. and Mrs. Richard Noble Sprinkle

Wake Forest

Kelly Ann King (Kelly Ann) — Mr. and Mrs. David Wall King, Jr.

Charlotte Winston Welsh (Charlotte) — Mr. and Mrs. David Bradford Welsh

Washington

Kylee Anna Rodman Clancy (Kylee) — Mr. Kevin Clayton Clancy Mrs. Michelle Bergeron Clancy

Svetlana Lee Douglas (Laney) — Mr. Scott Orander Douglas Mrs. Ann Davis Douglas

Madison Virginia Gerard (Madison) — Mr. and Mrs. Walter Bennett Gerard IV

Alexandria George Nolley (Alex) — Mr. and Mrs. William Edwards Nolley, Jr.

Williamston

Anna Grayce Chesson (Anna) — Mr. and Mrs. Alphes Rupert Chesson, Jr.

Mary Taylor Peele (Mary Taylor) — Mr. and Mrs. William Oscar Peele III

Wilmington

Eugenia Baron Jenkins (Eugenia) — Mr. and Mrs. Pembroke Nash Jenkins

Lela Elizabeth King (Lela) — Mr. and Mrs. David Roscoe King

Mary Leighton Mannen (Mary Leighton) — Mr. and Mrs. Jerry Allen Mannen, Jr.

Rebecca Lynn Worsley (Rebecca) — Mr. and Mrs. Walter Cecil Worsley III

Emma Katherine Wright (Emma) — Mrs. Sara Scott Ford

Elizabeth Crawford Zimmerman (Libba) — Mr. and Mrs. Herman Webster Zimmerman III

Wilson

Mary Catherine Boyette (Mary Catherine) — Mr. and Mrs. Brent Ashley Boyette

Susan Lindeman Edgar (Lindeman) — Mr. and Mrs. Peter Bridgeford Edgar

Julia Frances Horton Fulford (Julia Frances) — Mr. Edward Arpe Fulford Mrs. Christy Williamson Graham

Nell St. Clair Morrison (St. Clair) — Mr. and Mrs. Brame Perry Morrison, Jr.

Marie Page Barnes Smith (Marie Page) — Mr. and Mrs. Eliot Frederick Smith

Sydney Abbott Williams (Sydney) — Mr. and Mrs. Lloyde Kent Williams

Windsor

Taylor Randall Wilson (Taylor) — Mr. Randall Boyd Wilson Mrs. Catherine Everett Wilson

Winston-Salem

Virginia Collier Caudill (Virginia) — Mr. and Mrs. Mark Collier Caudill

Isabel Leslie Hanson (Isabel) — Mr. and Mrs. William Rockefeller Hanson

Georgiana Dillon Hough (Georgiana) — Mr. and Mrs. Michael Royce Hough

Nancy Elizabeth Irvin (Lizzie) — Mr. and Mrs. Edward Lasater Irvin, Jr.

Ellie Amalie Kangur (Ellie) — Mr. and Mrs. Tonu Thomas Kangur, Jr.

Sarah Katherine Mann (Katie) — Mr. and Mrs. John Randolph Mann

Mary Dudley Newman (Mary Dudley) — Mr. and Mrs. Ancrum Boykin Newman

Elizabeth Edna Stockton (Elizabeth) — Mr. and Mrs. James Hill Stockton

Wrightsville Beach

Jane Woodard Hawthorne (Jane) — Mr. and Mrs. Henry Claiborne Hawthorne III

ITB Dad in Doghouse After Ruining Back to School Picture

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ITB Family Nearly Torn Apart Over School Photo

A Hayes Barton family was almost torn apart after a disastrous first day of school. Grace Anne Stewart, a mother of two, came close to filing for divorce after her husband, Charles Stewart, failed to take an adequate back to school picture of their children.

Grace Anne had gone out of town to be with her sister who was giving birth, one of the only reasons a mother would miss a back to school photo shoot of her kids. She laid out specific instructions and sent Charles a reminder text early Monday morning.

Charles woke up, read the text, remembered about half of it and began his day. He tried putting the kids into the outfits his wife had chosen, but gave up after the kids threw mild tantrums. He managed to get the children to write their names on the chalkboard by bribing them with an extra hour of iPad time after school, and quickly took the pictures. Distracted by an important commercial real estate call, Charles forgot to send the pictures to his wife and proceeded to drop the kids off at school. By 9:00 am, Grace Anne knew something was wrong and texted her husband.

Grace Anne: Charles! Where are the pictures?!

Charles: Sorry, got caught up on a call.

Grace Anne: It’s 9:05 am. Our picture won’t be seen by as many people if we don’t post it right now. We need at least 100 likes this year.

Charles sent the pictures at 9:06 am, which is also the exact moment his marriage nearly came to an end.

Grace Anne: CHARLES!!!!

Charles: Don’t the kids look cute?

Grace Anne: The chalkboard, Charles. The fucking chalkboard.

Charles: I put the chalkboard out!

Grace Anne: Yeah, you did, but those grades are from LAST YEAR. David had a huge growth spurt this summer. He doesn’t look like he’s going into the 4th grade, unless he’s the damn Hodor of Root. He’s a giant.

Charles: It’s not my fault the kids don’t know what grade they’re going into. There are literally 1 million pictures of kids going back to school today on social media. No one actually reads the chalkboards.

Grace Anne: Well my group text that I just sent these to noticed immediately. And I told you to put him in seersucker shorts and a Brooks Brothers polo from the ITBack to School Must Haves guide. Why is he wearing a Golden State Warriors t-shirt and basketball shorts?! This isn’t a Jaycee basketball game.


Brooks Brothers Polo

A quintessential part of the ITB wardrobe, the Brooks Brothers polo should be worn every day of the week. When not wearing a Brooks Brothers polo, make sure your child is wearing a t-shirt from an ITB acceptable restaurant, such as Sanitary, Beaufort Grocery, Angus Barn, etc.


Charles: I’ll fix it.

Grace Anne: How?! Now we don’t have a first day of school picture to post next to our last day of school picture at the end of the year! Do you want this to be your second divorce before you’re 35? We are done. DONE!

Charles knew nothing good could come from replying to an all caps “done” text message. Thinking he could salvage the picture, and hoping to avoid another costly divorce, Charles cancelled his commercial real estate appointment, hopped in his Yukon, and sped towards Root. He pulled the kids out of class, did 95 down Glenwood, arrived home, frantically made the kids change clothes and pose for another picture in front of the chalkboard, which he updated with the correct grades. He took a dozen pictures and sent them to his wife by 10:00 am.

Grace Anne: These are fine. But if this doesn’t get 100 likes so help me God…

As of 6:00 pm the picture only has 87 likes.


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The Top Caps Debacle

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I had a horrible day on Twitter on Thursday. The guys on Adam & Joe, a sports radio show on 99.9 The Fan, do this thing on Twitter called “Top 4 at 4” every day. They choose a topic and ask everyone to list their Top 4 things of that topic at 4:00 pm. Yesterday’s topic was a joke about NFL player Colin Kaepernick, often referred to as “Kap”. Apparently, Kap’s been in the news a lot for kneeling during the national anthem or something. I haven’t had time to keep up with the story, plus I really only care about Broughton football (currently 1-0, go Caps).


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Host Joe Ovies, friend of the media empire, tweeted out that the topic of the day was Top 4 Caps. Some friends alerted me to this because we obviously assumed Joe meant top Broughton Caps. I was in the middle of doing about 10 things at the same time when I learned about the topic, but I still took a few minutes to fire off my top 4. Since all Caps are #1 I listed them as such. I also wasn’t going to be limited to 4, because I don’t play by the rules. I sent the tweet and went back to dealing with Fyre Festival lawsuits, moms on micITBit, the Development Beat, and figuring out what to do with the Broughton intern that starts next week.

It wasn’t until I checked Twitter again that I realized I’d forgotten one of the Top Caps, Shavlik Randolph. I quickly sent another tweet adding a few more Top Caps.

A few hours later, Peyton Reed, a Broughton graduate and Hollywood Director (Ant-ManYes ManThe Break-UpBring It On, 13 episodes of the Back to the Future TV Series, and more) saw my tweet and replied.

Peyton and I had met back in June at the North Hills time capsule event, and he clearly felt left out. I felt horrible. In my rush to tweet at 4:00 pm I didn’t even think about non-sports Caps. (I included The Connells because my co-worker (yes, I have a co-worker now) and I were writing a “First Day at the Media Empire Quiz” for the Broughton intern. We had just come up with the question “Who is the greatest band from Raleigh?” so I was already thinking about The Connells.)


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I still had to make it up to Peyton Reed though. Knowing we were both fans of Back to the Future, my plan was to somehow go back in time and fix the tweet. I interrupted Bonner (he was busy calibrating the weather dome for hurricane season) and had him use all his Google Fiber to make me a Tahoe time machine with a flux capacitor so I could go back and fix my mistake.

When I still couldn’t fix the tweet I thought about asking Stacy Miller to sue Twitter for not letting me edit tweets, but he was busy welcoming his newborn ITBaby into the world (congratulations!). The best I could do was recreate the scene from Back to the Future II where Marty receives a letter from Doc after the DeLorean disappears when it was struck by lightning.

I wrote a similar letter to Peyton (on Crane & Co. stationery, obviously) and recorded a video of me reading the letter so I could include music from Back to the Future II. I then tweeted it to cement Peyton’s place on the Top Caps list.

This morning I woke up to the following tweet from Peyton.

What a relief. Still, I should have devoted more time to this list. I left off a ton of great Caps (Smedes York, Diane Payne, Babs Nichols, Colin Fickes, Junius Coston, Sharon Lawrence, Devonte’ Graham, and many many more).

So starting next week, the Broughton intern will begin working on our Top Caps series. We’ll feature profiles on the best of the best from Broughton. I don’t want to get ahead of myself, but we’ll probably win a Pulitzer. Stay tuned.

Update: This is heavy.

ITBack to School Must Haves

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You never get a second chance to make a good first impression. With schools across ITB starting soon, you’ll want to make sure your child has the appropriate accoutrements for their new year. The last thing you need as a parent is for little Davis III or Mary Anna to come home crying after the first day of school because they wore the wrong article of clothing or had a store brand snack in their lunch.

That’s why we’ve created this handy back to school guide that will ensure your children get off to a great start. This list isn’t the final say on the only acceptable items, but it provides standard issue ITB provisions that will meet the approval of your child’s peers.

We’ve even taken the time to link all of these products from Amazon so you can shop from the comfort of your home while watching Game of Thrones or that episode of Andy Cohen’s Then & Now that William Needham Finley IV was on. Plus, when you buy items by clicking these links you’ll be supporting the ITB Insider™ media empire, at no extra cost!


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North Face Backpack

A classic staple for ITB kids of all ages. Name brand? Check. Solid color that goes with anything? Check. Also, the Borealis is unisex so your child can’t be made fun of for having a backpack designed for the opposite sex.

Scout Lunch Bag

The days of bringing your lunch to school in a brown paper bag like it’s 1975 are over. If your child doesn’t show up at lunch with a doggie bag lunch cooler, they might as well eat alone in the janitor’s closet because that’s how much they’ll feel like an outcast around the other kids.

Lunch Container

Sure, you bought the designer lunch bag, but you aren’t going to put your child’s food in a ziplock bag are you? Those things are probably FULL of BPA, PVC, and phthalates. Save your child’s life by using these lunch containers. They also conveniently keep the different foods from touching, which is perfect for kids with OCD.

Pirate’s Booty

Pirate’s Booty has rocketed to the top of the snack food charts. Try sending your kid to school with a bag of Utz cheese balls and watch what happens when another mom notices while visiting her child at lunch. Your cheese ball move just became the talk of a thousand group texts.

Cheddar Bunnies

Like Pirate’s Booty, Annie’s Cheddar Bunnies are somewhat new to the snack game. The company itself wasn’t founded until 1989, but their Cheddar Bunnies are on par with the iconic Goldfish crackers. You probably can’t go wrong with either, but Annie’s just seems more ITB because of how much they shove that organic label in your face.

New Balance 990s


The only shoe you’ll ever need. Yeah your kid is probably begging for some new Under Armour shoe, but that’s just a fad. New Balances will never go out of style and will never blow a 3-1 lead in the NBA Finals.

Yeti Tumbler

You can’t just send your child to school with a bottle of Deer Park and call it a day anymore. Their drinks needs to have ice and that ice needs to stay frozen solid until you pick them up in the afternoon. Thank God YETI is the only tumbler with this type of ice preservation technology.

Lilly Planner

We all know you’re going to be the one planning your kid’s schedule, so you might as well look good doing it.

Trapper Keeper

The perfect receptacle for your child’s schoolwork, which you will ultimately be responsible for.

Sperry Top-Siders

Wearing Sperrys means that at anytime you can attend a semi-formal event, board a boat, or go to the beach. These are all possibilities your child could face at a moment’s notice. Always be prepared.

Kid Sperrys

Same as above. Start teaching your children the importance of wearing proper shoes as they navigate the waters of the Pullen Park boats. But not the paddle boats, those require too much work.

Brooks Brothers Polo

A quintessential part of the ITB wardrobe, the Brooks Brothers polo should be worn every day of the week. When not wearing a Brooks Brothers polo, make sure your child is wearing a t-shirt from an ITB acceptable restaurant, such as Sanitary, Beaufort Grocery, Angus Barn, etc.

While this guide is far from complete, it should be enough to get you started. Good luck to you and your children on another exciting year of attending ITB schools.


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The ITBest Places to Watch the Solar Eclipse

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Millions of people will gather on Monday afternoon to stare at the sun, which will be blocked by the moon for a few minutes in what is known as a “total solar eclipse.” This doesn’t happen very often, which is why so many people are freaking out over it. Classic supply and demand.

Apparently, there’s this thing called the “path of totality” which is the area where the eclipse will be the most blackout or, according to NASA, “the path that the moon’s shadow traces on Earth during a total solar eclipse.”


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We did some investigative journalism by looking at that map and discovered that Raleigh isn’t even in the path of totality. That means we’ll only get about 90% blackout, if you really believe the folks at NASA.

Most Raleigh residents seem excited about the eclipse, with Facebook posts seeking eclipse glasses numbering in the billions. So after conducting extensive research on planetary alignment and proximity to the beltline, we came up with the best places to view the solar eclipse in Raleigh.


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Carolina Country Club

The Club will be holding a members only viewing party of the total solar eclipse. An anonymous CCC representative commented, “We considered coming up with a plan to shift the Earth’s axis so that we would be directly in the path of totality, but the estimated cost was around $70 trillion. We didn’t feel comfortable asking members to pay higher dues for a 2 minute event. Plus we’re just really focused on the Deb Ball right now.”

Broughton Bell Tower

Broughton is commonly known as the center of the universe, which makes the bell tower the best place in the world to view the solar eclipse. Light refreshments will be served and the Broughton show choir will perform a rendition of “Total Eclipse of the Heart”. If you’ve already graduated, you’ll need to bring either a Caps Club pass, your diploma, or a class ring to get in.

Second Floor of Felson’s (Fosters/Nelson’s)

Once home to the highest number of weekend blackouts in Raleigh, Felson’s (Fosters/Nelson’s) is another great spot to view the eclipse. The second story offers amazing views of our beloved Cameron Village and downtown Raleigh. Attendees must be able to name the top 5 songs played on the NDF in order to be let in. Marcus will be checking IDs, just kidding, he’ll just be standing next to the door greeting people as they walk in.


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How to View the Eclipse

Once you select your location, you’ll need the proper viewing equipment. You could join the thousands of parents searching Facebook for $2 NASA approved glasses. Or you could just buy a pair of our custom-made LaClipse™ glasses. If you didn’t pick any of these up, your polarized Ray-Bans are probably fine. If you happen to burn your retinas out while wearing your Ray-Bans, my attorney Stacy Miller would be happy to represent you in a class action lawsuit against the sun.

These are safe.

With the proper location and equipment you should all have an enjoyable total solar eclipse viewing experience. Remember, just like mansion fires, it’s not safe to stare directly into the sun.


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Solar LaClipse Glasses Now Available

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Looking directly at the sun. It’s something we’ve all wanted to do at some point in our lives. Lately, this desire has become mainstream, thanks to the upcoming solar eclipse. I’ll be honest, I don’t actually know what a solar eclipse is, and I haven’t had time to Google it. I’m too busy talking to the BBC (again) about a Fyre Festival documentary, and with Vanity Fair (again) about being in their September Spain issue. So forgive me for not knowing all the phases of the sun or whatever this whole thing is about.


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This whole eclipse craze caught my attention thanks to the micITBit private Facebook group I run. Over the last few days, not an hour has gone by without a caring ITB mom posting to the group asking if anyone has extra eclipse glasses for sale. It seems that taking kids to and from the beach and Camp Sea Gull and Camp Seafarer left ITB moms with no time for ordering eclipse glasses online. Here’s a screenshot of just a few of the “in search of” (ISO) posts on micITBit.

As you can see from that last post, these moms just want to make sure their kids don’t burn their eyes out while staring into the sun. Apparently, “scientists” say the only safe way to look directly at a solar eclipse is through some type of filtering device, such as eclipse glasses. Well they’re wrong. Thanks to my revolutionary LaClipse™ glasses, you can finally stare directly into the sun whenever you’d like.

LaClipse™ Glasses (patent pending)

LaClipse™ glasses are constructed from the finest materials, sourced from local LaCroix boxes. The glasses come in three flavors: Pure, Lemon, and Pamplemousse. The color schemes go well with any outfit.


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LaClipse™ glasses are NOT certified by NASA, the FBI, the CIA, the Weather Channel, or whoever approves these things. Obtaining certification is a nightmare, with way too much red tape. Just trust me when I tell you these things are 100% safe. Again, you can stare directly into the sun while wearing these. I’m currently working on some LaClipse™ croakies, which should be available by the end of the day.


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For the low price of $100 per pair, you can be the coolest person at your upcoming eclipse party. There are currently three pairs available, but we can easily ramp up inventory by rounding up some kids from Root and Lacy to assist with mass production. Don’t worry, we’ll call it “Arts and LaCrafts” to avoid violating child labor laws, plus we won’t have to pay them anything.

The Vanity Fair August issues and VIP Guns N Roses “Not in This Lifetime Tour” book (one of only 4,000 made) are not for sale. I just put them in the picture for scale, and to brag.

I have the legal team at Stacy Miller’s office working on a trademark and a patent, so don’t even think about stealing this idea. Please let me know how many you’d like and in what flavor. You can Paypal me directly at wnfiv@itbinsider.com. Thank you all, and enjoy your LaClipse™ viewing.


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Hayes Barton Mom Attempts to Sell Child for Holiday Express Tickets

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ITB Moms Miss Out on Holiday Express…Again

Local authorities were dispatched to the home of Mary Anna Howell after receiving a tip that she had attempted to sell her child on the internet in exchange for tickets to Pullen Park’s sold-out Holiday Express event. The yearly event features a festively lit Pullen Park and a train ride on The Holiday Express, which runs for 10 nights in December.


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Howell’s posting, below, was found in micITBit, a private Facebook group which serves as a forum for ITB residents to buy and sell new or used items, seek out recommendations, and bitch about a variety of topics.

“UGH, y’all, I can’t even right now. We just wanted to take our kids to a lit AF Pullen Park but the tickets sold out in MINUTES! I’d be willing to give up our second child for 4 tickets. PM me if you have extras. Thanks!”

Authorities arrived at the home in Hayes Barton around 9:00 am and found Howell drinking rosé from an ITBlessed wine glass. They confronted her about the post.

“I wasn’t “selling” my child, it was just a joke and it wasn’t even my firstborn. Give me a break,” said Howell, who has three children and runs a multi-million dollar monogram store on Etsy that she claims is not a business.


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Howell claims the post was made out of frustration, and pointed to other moms who expressed disappointment. Like clockwork, the Facebook comments began to roll in as the tickets went on sale around 8:00 am.


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“I saw William Needham Finley IV’s post about trying to save Christmas, but I just couldn’t wait any longer,” said Howell, referring to William Needham Finley IV’s attempt to rent out the entire park by reaching out to the Raleigh Parks Department on Twitter.

“If I can’t get tickets I’m definitely buying one of his photoshop packages,” said Howell, referring to Finley IV’s offer to photoshop pictures of families on the Holiday Express for a small fee.


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“He also said he was going to set up a class action lawsuit that Stacy Miller would help us on, so we may join that,” added Howell.

To prevent people from buying a large quantity of tickets for the purpose of reselling them, the City capped the number of tickets one could buy at 10 per transaction. However, that doesn’t stop people from opening up multiple browser windows and buying 10 at a time.

“Raleigh Parks employees apparently had a betting pool on how fast the tickets would sell out. I’m pretty sure betting is illegal. Someone might want to look into that,” snapped Howell, as an agent looked through her monogramming drawer.

“It makes no sense why the City only holds this for 10 days. Hell, start it with “Christmas in July” and run it for 6 months if you have to. And are we really just letting anyone sign up for this? This is a CITY park. They should be verifying ZIP codes before allowing people to buy tickets,” Howell continued to rant, opening a second bottle of rosé as authorities searched her home.

Authorities determined that pretending to sell your child online in exchange for tickets to a holiday event was not actually a crime, but have placed Howell on a watch list. As they left the Hayes Barton home they could hear Howell on the phone with her husband yelling, “Do they know who I am? I mean, do they know it’s Christmas time at all?”


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Bonner Gaylord Running for City Council

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Raleigh native and Broughton graduate Bonner Gaylord is seeking a fifth term on the Raleigh City Council. He joins Stacy Miller on my list of ITBFFs running for office. As many of you know, I was instrumental in getting Bonner elected during the last race. I wasn’t “officially” working for or with the campaign, but we all know who was pulling the strings. I was the political mastermind behind this campaign poster:

This poster won an election.

With Bonner set to run for re-election in District E, which spans North Hills and northwest Raleigh, it’s time to take a look at his qualifications and a preview of his first campaign video that I wrote.


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He’s a Native

Bonner grew up in Raleigh. Here he is taking care of George the snake, showing leadership at an early age to ensure that none of the other children were eaten alive.

No child left behind, or devoured by a giant snake.

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Broughton

He went there.

“Ask not what your city can do for you, ask what you can do for your city,” – Bonner, probably.

Not only did Bonner attend Broughton and give a speech, he also played football. During his senior year he led the team in brooding on the sideline.

Clear eyes, full hearts, Go Caps.

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Smart Development

As the Managing Director of Kane Realty, Bonner helped turn North Hills from this:

into this:

He even let me include half of my Fyre Festival wristband and a fidget spinner in the time capsule that was recently buried at North Hills.

Brunch

Bonner voted in favor of adopting the new Brunch Bill in Raleigh, freeing mimosas across the land.


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Technology

Bonner loves technology. He brought a Facebook Virtual Reality demo that looked like an upscale mobile home to North Hills last year.

Bonner installing Google Fiber

During one of his first campaigns Bonner said he would name his unborn twins after the Google founders, Larry and Sergey, if they would bring Google Fiber to Raleigh. Seven years later Google Fiber is in Raleigh (sort of) and Bonner didn’t even have to name his kids Larry and Sergey. Total power move.

The Weather Dome

The Weather Dome that Bonner and I co-created has kept citizens safe from storms and rain for years. You’re welcome.

He’s related to Webb Simpson

Bonner and Webb are cousins, and have been their whole lives, which shows how loyal Bonner is. Bonner even helped Webb win the U.S. Open and hung a massive banner in North Hills to celebrate the victory.

ITB legend and U.S. Open Winner, Webb Simpson

Dix Park

Bonner’s been an advocate for Dix Park and has agreed to play the part of Dr. Alan Grant in my screenplay.

Soon

Bonner’s Surf Shop

It’s not just politics and North Hills with Bonner. He one day dreams of opening a Surf Shop in North Hills, close to Raleigh’s future downtown canal.

So basically, we have a native of Raleigh, who loves technology and gadgets, and devotes his life to his city. Sound familiar? I thought so too.

To help get all these talking points across to the general public, I pitched the following campaign video to Bonner, titled “A Day in the Life of Bonner”.

The camera fades in from black. It’s morning at Dix Park. An F3 PAX (it’s like a secret workout group) works out as the Raleigh skyline watches over them. Around 20 men are doing Empty Wheelbarrows up and down a hill with cases of Trophy Wife strapped to their backs. One stumbles near the top of the hill and as he’s about to fall backwards to certain death a hand reaches out to grab him. It’s Bonner. He looks in the camera and says, “Not on my watch.” He saves the man’s life and then helps him do 50 Fairy Jacks, because if you give a man a Fairy Jack, he’ll Fairy Jack for a workout, but if you teach a man to Fairy Jack he’ll Fairy Jack for a lifetime.


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Done with the workout, Bonner looks out over all of Dix Park and then turns to the camera and says, “Dix Park, the dinosaurs are coming.”

We follow Bonner as he rips off his F3 clothes to reveal a perfectly tailored suit from Hengs Suiting and Armoury underneath. He hops on a bikeshare bike and pedals off towards downtown Raleigh. He stops to help an old woman cross Western Boulevard of Broken Dreams. She thanks him and says, “Only 5 more miles until home.” Bonner says, “Ma’am, we have a growing bus system that will take you anywhere your heart desires.” Bonner helps the woman on to the next bus.

Bonner looks into the camera and says, “Transit. You pay for it, so you might as well use it.”


Former Broughton Quarterback Stacy Miller to Run for City Council


Bonner rides by some children selling refreshments and stops. “Hey lil’ entrepreneurs, what are you selling?”

A five-year-old wearing a Lilly Pulitzer dress replies, “LaCroix, it’s $5 a can.”

“$5 a can? That’s how much a 12 pack costs,” Bonner says.

“Where else are you going to get a cold refreshing LaCroix right now? Cash or charge?” the child replies.

“Capitalism! I love it. I’ll take two,” he says, handing her his credit card.

Bonner looks into the camera and says, “I’ll continue to support all businesses, big and small.”

Bonner then teaches every child in the neighborhood how to ride a bike and leaves his bikeshare bike behind. “Remember kids, sharing is caring,” he says as he pulls his phone out to order an Uber.

While waiting for his ride, Bonner looks into the camera and says, “Technology, let’s keep it up.”

Bonner hops in the Uber. The driver recently moved to Raleigh from New Jersey and uses the beltline to get around because he doesn’t know about ITB backroads. Bonner takes over as backseat DJ and plays a remix of The Connells that he made in high school, on repeat.

Bonner stops by City Council and signs off on the paperwork to make March 15th “ITB Insider Day” and passes a few other laws or whatever they do in City Council. He hops in his electric vehicle and heads home to his family, where he makes dinner, teaches his kids to read, checks on the status of the Weather Dome, and then responds to all of my Tweets before heading to bed.

As he reaches to turn the lights out, he looks in the camera and says, “Raleigh, It’s The Best.”

The End

I’m still waiting to hear back from Bonner and his team about when we’ll start shooting this. I’ll keep you updated, while Bonner keeps us safe.


Hayes Barton Family Camps Out for NOFO Brunch

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The mimosas have been freed and brunch is now better than ever. After the passing of the “Brunch Bill” and the approval from the City Council, Raleigh residents can now enjoy alcoholic beverages in restaurants starting at 10:00 am on Sundays. The law came as a result of many protests in support of freeing mimosas and Bloody Marys. Late last week Raleigh residents celebrated the historic law change and began making grand plans for their first boozy ITBrunch.


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The Norris family, who live in Hayes Barton, were determined to be first in line for Sunday brunch at NOFO. Their plan was to spend Saturday night camping out in the NOFO parking lot, sort of. The Hayes Barton family paid roughly $15,000 to have a sherpa construct an igloo out of YETI coolers and place it near the entrance to the restaurant. The igloo itself would be cooled by a portable air conditioning unit. That might sound luxurious, but the family didn’t actually plan on spending the night. “Well, we had church in the morning and our kids hate the outdoors. We figured we could pay the sherpa to spend the night in the YETI igloo and keep our place in line,” said James Norris V.

Families that pay a sherpa to build a YETI igloo to hold their spot in line, stay together.

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His wife, Mary Ann Norris, added, “We thought about just making the sherpa camp out in a tent but it’s so hot that we didn’t want to be responsible if something happened to him.” Unfortunately for the sherpa, the AC unit failed after a few hours causing him to abandon his spot to avoid heat stroke. The family was less than pleased. “We got to brunch and found the YETI coolers strewn across the parking lot and there was no sign of Padrig, or Paulo, or whatever his name was,” Mary Ann said. “It’s hard to find good help these days,” added James.


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The family had to wait in line, unlike my friends and I, who were the first to arrive at NOFO on Sunday morning. The red carpet was rolled out, Glowmosas from Humdinger were poured, and French Toast was ordered. I even brought my own ITBlessed glass, which I never leave home without. (Yes, these are available for sale, and my online store should be up in the next week.)

I documented the historic occasion on social media.

This was a great way to kick off my new ITBrunch series, where I’ll be touring Raleigh’s best brunch spots. I don’t even need to do an in-depth review of NOFO, since it’s already one of the top brunch places inside the beltline. Special thanks to NOFO for the wonderful hospitality. The whole experience gets a 5 out of 5 beltline rating.


Five Points Residents File Fireworks Class Action Suit

in Five Points/Humor/ITBNN by

Residents of Five Points are taking matters into their own hands after a disastrous 4th of July. To celebrate the birth of our great nation, many neighborhood residents gathered near the railroad tracks at the end of Bickett Boulevard to view the fireworks display being put on in downtown Raleigh. Then disaster struck. As the fireworks were starting, a Norfolk Southern train showed up and ruined everything.

“The train showed up right as the fireworks started and came to a complete stop. It would pull forward about ten feet then back up again, all while the train crossing signal kept ringing,” said Stahler McKinney, who notified me of this tragedy on Twitter.


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Neighbors became more irate as they stared at a large train blocking their view of the fireworks.

“We have rights. It’s in the Declaration of Rights,” said Liza Jane Wambles. “Who the hell is Norfolk Southern? Isn’t that in Brier Creek? I’ve been drinking rosé all day, hashtag rosé allll dayyy!!!!” she slurred, before being cut off by her husband, Banks Wambles.

“Please don’t say “hashtag” in public. We’ve been over this,” he said quietly, pulling the bottle of rosé away. “But yes, this is definitely a problem. Now we’ve got to deal with three kids under 5 asking where the fireworks are. We can only distract them with Pirate’s Booty for so long,” he added.


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Children could be heard crying “I can’t see! Moooooom, I can’t see!” while many parents wept silently, knowing there would be no end to the whining.

“This was basically our Vietnam. Explosions going off, the train crossing signal blaring, and little Charlie Jr. here torturing me with constant questions about why the train won’t move. I pushed my kids all the way out here in our UPPAbaby stroller that my wife got on micITBit. We were expecting to see fireworks.” said Charles Jarvis, a Five Points resident.

Emotions ran high as two dads fought over the last craft beer in the YETI Hopper. “My dad and Mr. Caldwell were wrestling in the street. Then Mr. Caldwell took a nap on the ground and the ambulance bagged and tagged him, so we went inside to play Mario Kart 8,” said one child, clearly desensitized to the ITB dad on ITB dad violence.

“now that Mr. Caldwell’s been bagged and tagged you wanna go play Mario Kart?”

“Yeah, the dad on dad crime isn’t a good look, but it happens. If word gets out that we can’t even see the fireworks from our neighborhood, our property values are going to plummet,” said Wambles.

The residents plan to sue Norfolk Southern for negligence, obstruction of independence, obstruction of freedom, potential decrease in property values, and “being annoying AF” as Liza Jane Wambles put it.  While the residents have yet to select a firm to handle the class action suit, they are expected to go with Stacy Miller and Miller Law Firm.


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Brunch Bill Passage Causes ITB Euphoria

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It’s finally over. Our long Sunday morning nightmare is over. Less than a week after Gov. Roy Cooper signed the “Brunch Bill” into law, the Raleigh City Council voted 7-1 to allow alcohol sales starting at 10 a.m. on Sundays, EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY.

“After reading about the Brunch Bill protests on ITB Insider™, we knew we had to act fast to approve this,” said an anonymous council member. “We didn’t want any more protests, and we certainly didn’t want another pastel-colored frat wall blocking the entrance at the Cameron Village Harris Teeter.”

I don’t want to take all the credit for this victory. A lot of other people helped out, including the NC Restaurant & Lodging Association, legislators, and businesses who wanted the law changed. But I will say that before I addressed this on ITB Insider™ the bill had not passed. Once I investigative journalismed the issue, the bill was passed. I’ll let you all read between the beltlines on that one.


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Upon hearing the news, residents cried tears of joy while group texting their friends to make Sunday brunch plans. “We were going to stay in Atlantic Beach through the weekend, but now that we can drink Bloody Marys two hours earlier we’re cutting our trip short. LOAD UP THE SUBURBAN, THOMAS, WE’RE GOING HOME,” said Hayes Barton resident Mary Lane Lane. Some residents became so excited after hearing the news that they couldn’t even keep their cars on the road.

At first I thought this might have been some sort of kamikaze attack on the Club by an OTB mom who was upset that her daughter wasn’t selected as a Deb. Then I remembered they haven’t sent out the Deb announcements for 2017 yet. This accident was clearly due to Brunch Bill euphoria.

How Brunch Impacts the ITB Economy

A representative from Capital Club 16 added that the law change would result in at least an additional $60,000 in mimosa sales…. each week. “This is great for our industry. I’ve had to hire 4 new employees just to manage our mimosa wheels.” The law change isn’t just helping restaurants that offer brunch. A representative from Capital Creations added that this was great for their business as well. “Giving people two more hours to drink mimosas and Bloody Marys is great for us. By the time people are done with a Sunday Funday and that French Toast has worn off they’re dying for a Sunday night anxiety pizza. We support the move 100%.”


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It’s time to celebrate our newfound brunch freedom. I wanted to throw an ITBrunch Bash at Dix Park featuring The Connells with a menu of Rise biscuits, flights of French Toast from my favorite brunch restaurants, and Glowmosas. (A Glowmosa is a combination of the traditional mimosa and Glow, a juice made from pineapple, apple, mint, and lime from my friends at Humdinger. When combined with champagne this becomes the Glowmosa, a drink far superior to your run-of-the-mill mimosa.) We’d even have a mimosa ice luge shaped like the beltline. After eating, drinking, and Instagramming it all, we would take three hour Netflix naps and everything would be right in the world. Then I realized you have to get permits, call caterers, and do a lot of work, which we literally don’t have time for.

Preview of the ITBrunch Bash in Dix Park.

Instead, I’ll be dining at either NOFO or Capital Club 16 to kick off this new era of brunch. I’m also going to ask my lobbyists to get every good brunch spot in town to add the Glowmosa to their menu. I look forward to celebrating this Sunday. Thank you once again to all who were involved in making this happen. Now it’s time to work on a law to keep Chick-fil-A open on Sunday.


Meredith Needs Help Saving Campus Lake After LaCroix Deal Falls Through

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After a deal with a corporate sponsor dried up, Meredith College needs help. Their iconic lake currently sits empty due to the erosion of pipes that caused the lake to drain in March. The beloved lake sits next to an amphitheater which has held countless concerts, graduations, and events over the years. Meredith administrators expect that it will take around $500,000 to fix the pipes and refill the lake. They’ve spent the last few months working on a wide range of solutions, including a major sponsorship from LaCroix.


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“We had a deal with LaCroix where they would refill the lake if we agreed to make them our exclusive beverage provider. But then students kept filling up those damn Swell bottles and ITBlessed wine glasses with water in between classes. They were calling it “LaLake Water” and posting about it on Snapchat and Instagram constantly. The whole lake was empty again after 6 hours. It just wasn’t sustainable,” said Rachel Weaver, a Meredith administrator.

“This is why we can’t have nice things,” said one administrator.

They continued to look for other options. “We even tried filling it with the tears from the Cornhuskin’ losers but the lake actually isn’t big enough to hold that amount of liquid,” said Weaver. Similar to Homecoming or the Hunger Games, Cornhuskin’ is a yearly tradition where classes compete against each other to establish a pecking order for the next year.

“We also pitched the students on selling wrapping paper door-to-door to raise money, but that didn’t go over well at all,” Weaver added.


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Some students even thought about raising money. “I thought about opening an Etsy shop to make graduation caps with quotes I found on Pinterest,” said Mary Lacy Anderson, majoring in Modern Romance Studies. “But then I had too much going on with planning our watch party for the series finale of Pretty Little Liars.”

Once those options fell through, Meredith turned to their alumnae for donations. So far over 700 alumnae have donated over $100,000. Another donor is willing to match donations up to $250,000. To spread the word about donations, the college considered filming a commercial featuring Sarah McLachlan’s “Angel” as students surrounded the dry lake and sadly tried to hold water in their arms.

In the arrrrrrmmms of an angel……

“It was real symbolic, with the whole Meredith Angels thing, and then they’d be trying to hold nonexistent water in their arms. We had a director and everything. We were going to have Sarah McLachlan come do a live performance as well. Turns out that would cost as much as fixing the lake so we scrapped it. Plus we didn’t want to make everyone depressed,” said Weaver.


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The Anthropology Department has tried to make the best of the situation by letting students excavate the dry lake bed. Students uncovered dozens of onyx rings and bottles of wine. “This is a great experience for the students. Sure, there are always one or two who sign up for anthropology because they think it’s related to Anthropologie, the retailer that sells boho-chic womenswear, shoes, accessories and home decor. We just let them post pictures of what we find on social media to keep them involved,” said one professor.

Meredith now has until June 30 to meet their fundraising goal. They’ve set up a donation site and are accepting donations from the public. “We’ve seen how passionate people can be over things like the brunch bill. To try to tap into that movement, we’ll be holding lakeside brunches with bottomless mimosas for all of our donors,” said Weaver.


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How I Got on Andy Cohen’s Then & Now

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Yep, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situation, listed in the credits of Andy Cohen’s Then & Now on Bravo. I know some of you probably don’t watch Bravo, or know who Andy Cohen is, but a significant portion of my readers are obsessed with both. After clearing it with my lawyer, Stacy Miller, I can now give you all a ITBehind the scenes look of how I ended up on the show.


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On June 13th, Bravo reached out to me about using my Pulitzer-worthy footage from Fyre Festival on a new show hosted by the one and only Andy Cohen.

Obviously I had to hear them out. I had never seen Andy Cohen’s Then & Now, but I assumed it consisted of Andy asking different Real Housewives about pop culture in hopes that a fight would break out. More than happy to contribute to such a worthy cause, I threw out an offer, which they then countered. Classic showbiz move.

I tried to play hardball by asking for a signed Andy Cohen headshot, mainly so I could brag about it in my secret Facebook group full of ITB moms who would eat that sort of thing up.

I also requested a shout out on the show, knowing that I would gain a ton of followers because Andy Cohen’s viewers do anything he tells them to. That’s just Influencer 101. And remember, I am an influencer. If you’re reading this and disagree, then ask yourself “Am I asking myself a question right now because William Finley IV told me to ask myself a question?” Yeah, you just got influenced.

Unfortunately, the show had already taped, so none of this was possible.

At this point in my career I consider myself the patron saint of Fyre Festival footage. It’s my duty to make sure I keep talking about it, and provide others with pictures and video footage so they can cover it, until justice is served. So I accepted the offer and started planning a big event for my Bravo debut. I thought I had weeks to pull everything together, but then I got an email saying the show would air the next day.

I quickly reached out to Vita Vite about hosting a watch party (because that’s what people who watch Bravo do) and planned to have some Humdinger Glowmosas for everyone to drink, using their new ITBlessed wine glasses, of course. It would be so synergistic.


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After posting about this pop-up watch party on Facebook, I discovered that the show was actually airing in a few hours. I wasn’t even home to watch it but fortunately another Fyre Festival survivor’s wife sent me this clip. Note: I spent about 3 hours tracking down footage and creating a video highlighting my appearance, but YouTube took it down because of copyright violations. Don’t worry, YouTube will be hearing from Stacy Miller shortly.


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The episode was titled “Being Rich” and here’s the description: “Andy Cohen dives into the opulent 1980s to explore how the wealthy spent their fortunes on everything from limos and jets to extravagant weddings, and how that’s influenced the ways the mega-rich spend their money today. With celebrity guests Susan Lucci, Jill Kargman, Amber Rose and more, Andy looks at how the gilded mega-mansions of the 80s created today’s high-tech minimalist homes, and how the pricey plastic surgery of yesterday influenced the anti-aging treatments of today. Plus, the Real Housewives spill their pre-nup secrets!”

You can watch the full episode here. While I may have totally botched the watch party for my debut appearance on Andy Cohen’s Then & Now, I’m still glad I helped bring attention to this humanitarian crisis. I hope you enjoyed this insider look at how media empires work together to cover important stories. Now I’m going to go pick up the latest issue of Vanity Fair so I can look at the Fyre Festival pictures that I let them use.


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Protests Erupt Across Raleigh in Support of Brunch Bill

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Massive protests took place in Raleigh Wednesday morning, all with the same goal in mind: free our brunches. Demonstrations were held in multiple locations, as citizens of all ages, races (but mainly Caucasian), and genders came together in support of ending brunch inequality.

“We’re all in this together. It’s not about party lines, it’s about brunch lines,” said Kelly Simpson, who helped organize the protests by creating a Facebook event telling people where to go.

The protesters were supporting SB155, also known as the “Brunch Bill”, which would let local governments allow restaurants to serve alcohol starting at 10 a.m. on Sundays. By statute, North Carolina currently allows alcohol sales statewide from 7 a.m. to 2 a.m. every day, except Sundays, when alcohol service cannot begin until noon.


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SB155 was referred to the House ABC Committee, projected to meet this week, which is most likely why so many protests sprung up on Wednesday morning.

Protesters chained themselves to tables and bicycle racks outside of popular brunch spots like Capital Club 16, Poole’s, NOFO, and Beasley’s Chicken + Honey.

“The mimosa has sat imprisoned, every Sunday until noon, for decades. I don’t want to be dramatic, but we might as well call it the “Nelson Mimosa” at this point,” commented Esther August, a barista at a local coffee pop-up wheelbarrow. (Apparently, it’s like a pop-up Taco Cart, but they use a wheelbarrow.)

“It’s pretty normal to have a crowd of about 20 plaid shirt-wearing bearded guys and their quirkily dressed platonic girl friends waiting for us to open so they can be the first to Instagram their food,” said an anonymous Beasley’s employee. “Chaining themselves to the trees outside was a little odd, but once they started singing a parody of U2’s “Sunday Bloody Mary Sunday” we knew something different was going on,” she added.

“We’ve suffered long enough. We’re live tweeting the protest hoping it will pick up national attention. Trust me, I work at Br&nd & Br@nd (a local digital marketing firm) I know how to leverage social media to amplify our key messaging,” said Leona Jordan, who considers herself an influencer despite having only 423 followers on Instagram.

The protests seemed to die down at Capital Club 16 once supporters finished dining on French Toast and cheese grit cake, commonly accepted as the best French Toast inside the beltline. “I honestly forgot what we were protesting. I could crush a Netflix nap right now,” said Davis Russell, who manages an Airbnb.


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It wasn’t just the hipster crowd that came out in support of craft cocktails before noon. Over in Cameron Village, college-aged students formed a pastel colored wall of solidarity at the entrances to Harris Teeter, refusing to let anyone in.

“If we can’t have mimosas, you can’t have food.”

“If we can’t buy beer and champagne for our Glowmosas before noon, then no one can buy any groceries ever,” said Thomas Meyer Williams III, who added that he was “hungover AF” from the previous night’s band party at Delta Sig.

It seems that the North Carolina Restaurant and Lodging Association (NCRLA) has been effective in mobilizing support for the bill. They called on community leaders, industry professionals, restaurateurs and patrons alike to learn more about the benefits of the NC Brunch Bill and sign a petition at ncbrunchbill.com, which has over 6,200 signatures.


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They’ve been posting about the impact of the bill across their social channels on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook, encouraging supporters to use #FreeTheMimosa. Here are some examples of a coaster and social media ad that was created to spread the word.

Coaster Side 1
Coaster Side 2

NCRLA believes the change will increase tax revenue, benefitting both local and state governments. They also expect that, with more venues offering brunch on Sunday morning, the NC Brunch Bill will serve as a vehicle for job creation for people in the restaurant industry.

“We’ll keep an eye on the results of the House ABC Committee meeting,” promised Jordan. “Well, unless any more details come out about the Bachelor in Paradise investigation, then I’m totes going to have to drop what I’m doing to follow that.”

Learn more about the Brunch Bill at the NCRLA site.


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How a Fidget Spinner and a Fyre Festival Wristband Ended Up In the North Hills Time Capsule

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This is the story of how I got a fidget spinner and half of my Fyre Festival wristband added to the North Hills time capsule, extending my 15 minutes of Fyre fame to at least another 50 years. I also met a Hollywood director who told me he enjoyed my Tweets.

What a Time to be Alive

There’s nothing more ITB than reliving the past and reminiscing about the good ol’ days. So it came as no surprise that Raleigh residents were excited about the unearthing of a 50-year-old time capsule buried in the North Hills luxury retail destination center. On June 8th, 1967, before the beltline (BTB) even existed, a time capsule was buried in the sidewalk in front of The Cardinal movie theater to celebrate its grand opening. That capsule sat dormant for 50 years, waiting to melt people’s faces off like the Ark of the Covenant in Raiders of the Lost Ark.


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For decades, residents wondered what was inside. I’d always thought it contained the founding documents for the pre-Algebra Club or maybe the original blueprints for the beltline. When North Hills announced that they would unearth the time capsule, and bury a new one, I knew I had to insert myself into the story somehow. Even though North Hills is now technically JOTB it has long been considered ITB, as long as you take Lassiter Mill to get there. Also, the annual revenue generated from ITB residents shopping in North Hills is greater than the GDP of Lithuania, so North Hills is clearly on #brand with our way of life. To make sure I was involved in this epic event I reached out to Bonner Gaylord, Broughton graduate and managing director of North Hills, about getting VIP access.

Bonner let me know that, like Fyre Festival, there wasn’t actually a VIP area at the unearthing. If I couldn’t get VIP then I at least wanted to contribute to the new time capsule. North Hills was accepting items from an exclusive group of businesses, nearby schools, and media outlets. Confused as to why I wasn’t included, since I’m both a business and a media empire, I politely demanded that they let me submit some items. They politely said they would consider it.


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I thought long and hard about what I should add to this historic moment. It needed to be something ITB, but also something that represented 2017. I settled on an ITB Insider koozie, an ITBlessed wine glass, a can of LaCroix, half of my Fyre Festival wristband (I need the other half for the lawsuit, more on that soon), a letter to the future, and a rose gold fidget spinner engraved with “ITB 2017” and “WNF IV”. I wanted the fidget spinner to be shaped like the beltline, but I just didn’t have the time to get one made.

This is 2017.

On Wednesday, I met with Bonner and his North Hills colleagues for one of the most important decisions in Raleigh history. I laid out all of my items and waited nervously as they reviewed them. It was basically the same process used when selecting the next Dalai Lama. Bonner ended up choosing the fidget spinner and half of my Fyre Festival wristband, as you’ll see in the super dramatic film I made to commemorate the decision.

The next day I joined other residents traveling by Tahoe caravan along Lassiter Mill to get to the celebration. The crowd gathered around the spot on the sidewalk between what is now Bonefish Grill and the Verizon store, waiting to see what would emerge from the year 1967. History was being made.


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John Kane, who bought North Hills to find out what was in the time capsule, gave a nice speech to kick things off. Bonner then took over the hosting duties and introduced a few people who spoke about what North Hills was like back in the day. Again, very ITB.

The old North Hills logo.

We were then treated to a speech from Broughton graduate and Hollywood Director and Producer, Peyton Reed. He talked about seeing various movies at The Cardinal movie theater while growing up in Raleigh. Reed went on to direct Ant-Man, Yes Man, The Break-Up, Bring It On, and many other projects.

Peyton Reed, Broughton graduate and Hollywood Director

They opened the time capsule and discovered that it had not been sealed properly, allowing water to seep inside. Apparently, the folks in 1967 thought that what looked like a metal ice cream bucket would be the perfect vessel for a time capsule. Some of the items were damaged, while others that had been wrapped in plastic were in decent condition. They finished the excavation and laid the items out on a table for people to view. (See pictures at the end of this post.)

They also laid out the items that would be going in the new time capsule. There was a yearbook and stuffed Rooty the Raccoon from Root, a newspaper from the News & Observer, a DVD from WRAL, the newest book from Raleigh native David Sedaris, and my fidget spinner and Fyre Festival wristband. I just hope the new time capsule is a YETI cooler so my items don’t get damaged.

Notice the fidget spinner just above the David Sedaris book.

After the event I spoke with Peyton Reed, who was nice enough to hang around for a bit to meet with fans. We talked about Fyre Festival, Twitter, and a few other topics and basically became ITBFFs. The only regret I have was not asking him if the scene in Bring It On where Jaime Pressly (also a North Carolina native) says “It’s already been broughten” is a reference to Broughton.

To impress Peyton Reed, and hopefully break into Hollywood, I filmed, directed, edited, and produced this documentary about the North Hills time capsule. Be sure to watch the part where Bonner approves my request to meet the Dalai Lama when he visits Raleigh later this year. You can also watch the full video of the event on the North Hills Facebook page.

UPDATE: This post has officially been endorsed by Peyton Reed.

Special thanks to Bonner and North Hills for including me in this historic event. The new time capsule won’t be opened until 2067. It is now one of my life goals to make sure I live to see the day my fidget spinner and Fyre Festival wristband are unearthed in front of a crowd of thousands. I even made a calendar reminder just so I don’t forget.

1967 Unearthed

The time capsule contents will be temporarily displayed at the City of Raleigh Museum.

The time capsule, not a YETI cooler.
John Kane holding a wet book.
Possibly the Zapruder film, but we’ll never know.
A letter
A key to the City
A letter confirming that Raleigh pretty much made the moon landing happen.

The Electric Storage Battery Company – ESB Exide Missile & Electronics Division

Time Capsule

I feel greatly honored in being asked to place an item of interest in the Time Capsule arranged for a ceremony at the new Cardinal Theater in the North Hills Shopping Center on June 8, 1967. Since this is the so-called Space Age, I am enclosing in the Time Capsule our ESB NEWS which is a company publication covering the news media of our company activities for May 1967.

In this issue is a rather interesting article on the batteries that were designed, developed and produced in Raleigh with Raleigh people that powered the Surveyor Spacecraft III that was launched in April and had a most successful flight to the moon, a softlanding on the moon, the taking and transmission of over 13,000 pictures of the moon surface, including a soil scoop or shovel which tested the moon surface for suitability for eventual manned landings. I am also enclosing a Western Union telegram in which Hughes Aircraft Company, who is the prime contractor of the Surveyor Spacecraft, congratulates our Division for our part in this successful program.

It is my understanding that this Time Capsule is to be opened 50 years from now. If this is so, I expect that by the time the Capsule is opened these initial attempts to explore space will be long forgotten, since at that time they will probably have hourly schedules to the moon, to Mars, Venus and other planets of our solar system. However, we are proud of our Raleigh area and the accomplishments of our people in this Outer Space Exploration Era.

By copy of this letter to Mr. C.E. Stone, Manager of the Ambassador Theater in Raleigh, I hope that this letter and the items mentioned will be suitable for placing in the Time Capsule at 11:00 A.M. on June 8, 1967.

L.E. Pucher

General Manager

Five Points Couple Excited About Boylan Skyline Selfies

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A Raleigh couple can breathe a sigh of relief after over 15 months of waiting. The news of the Boylan Bridge Brewpub’s reopening has brought joy to a Five Points power couple who were beginning to give up hope.

Vance Craig VI, a 31-year-old Senior Super Duper Executive Broker at a boutique commercial real estate firm, spoke about how difficult the wait has been, “It’s my right as a Raleigh native to crush 12 beers and enjoy the view on that deck. Do you know how many deals I could have closed out there by now? At least two, I bet.”

Craig VI can now crush beers and close deals.

Mary Cameron Knoll Craig, Vance’s stay-at-home-wife, runs multiple Instagram accounts that have been impacted by the closing. During the bar’s hiatus she had no choice but to put her account devoted to images of skyline selfies on hold. “Ugh, you don’t even know how many likes I’ve missed out on with this place being closed. Where am I supposed to go for skyline selfies, Dix Park? You can’t even drink out there.”


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Her husband added, “We didn’t know what to do. Sure, we could have driven all the way from Five Points and taken a skyline selfie on the bridge that’s 20 feet away from the bar, but that just looks like we’re trying too hard.”

“Exactly. Our skyline selfie needs to appear organic and authentic so we’ll get more likes. No one likes a try-hard,” explained Mary Cameron.

“Plus, if people saw us posing on the bridge for a picture they’d think we were doing engagement photos or headshots for a residential real estate website. Everyone knows we’re married and that I’m in commercial real estate. People would start asking questions,” said Craig VI.


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The couple seemed surprised to learn that the bar would now offer a new menu and expanded wine list.

“This place has a full menu? I thought they just served cheese quesadillas, pretzel cheese dip, and whatever that Summer Ale beer is,” said Craig VI.

The couple’s assumption was backed up by a social media analyst with Walk West. “We’ve analyzed thousands of social posts related to this location. We have never seen a single picture of food or beer. Users are taking the same exact picture with the skyline as a backdrop, especially women between the ages of 21 and 40. Typical images contain at least 5 girls wearing Aviator sunglasses, oversized t-shirts, and Jack Rogers sandals. Sometimes they’ll wear those gladiator sandals and a festival ready layered Bohemian dress or super chic cutoff jean shorts and a top with fringe. We expect a flood of skyline selfies from this location in the coming weeks,” commented the Walk West representative.


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Being at the mercy of the brewpub’s back and forth has been hard on the couple, but has also been an issue for another member of their family, Mabel the dog. “Thank God we can finally take Mabel to a bar where she can sit outside while we social climb by taking skyline selfies with other couples that we envy,” said Mary Cameron.

“It’s finally summer and I’m just ready to get lit on this deck. Now all we have to worry about is which Barbour apparel to wear,” said Craig VI.

I Went On Another Podcast to Talk About Surviving Fyre Festival

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It’s been almost a month since Fyre Festival. While the experience was quite traumatizing, I believe the best way to get through this is to keep talking about it constantly. That’s exactly why I went on the Free Lunch podcast at Clean Design to tell my story. This was my second appearance on their show. On the first episode I taught the gang all about ITB, my growing media empire, and how I was about to go on the trip of a lifetime to Fyre Festival.


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Little did I know that I would have to survive and escape the island while becoming a “minor celebrity” (according to Bloomberg). Clean Design asked me to come back on their podcast after seeing what a disaster the trip was.

I set the record straight on a few issues. We covered the “planning” notebook, which media outlets are super lame, how my attorney Stacy Miller plans to handle this, and more.

The episode is available on iTunes and SoundCloud.


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Cary Ordinance Requires Beige Colored Easter Eggs

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What started as a typical Easter egg hunt soon became a lesson on local ordinances in Cary this weekend. Residents new to Cary were surprised to learn of a strict ordinance in place which requires all Easter eggs to be painted beige.

Janice Adams, who recently moved to Cary from a suburb of New Jersey, took her two children to the Prestonwood Easter egg hunt expecting to see a colorful display. What she saw was underwhelming. “They just had a bunch of tan and beige eggs everywhere. I was like, what the hell is going on, it’s Easter, where’s the colorful eggs?”

She received the following response after reaching out to the Town Council. “We view Easter eggs as a sign of Easter and like all signs in Cary, they must fit within our guidelines. While we are aware that God offers a Master Plan, He has yet to submit it to the Town of Cary for approval. Until that time, the eggs will remain beige colored and will only contain licorice Jelly Beans, Yellow Peeps, and beige Necco Wafers,” said Jane Morrison, who sits on the Cary Town Council.

Cary approved Easter Eggs

Raleigh residents were bewildered after being informed of the ordinance. Mary Anna Harrington, Director of Easter Programming at the Carolina Country Club, commented, “Beige eggs? We only use pastel colored and gold plated eggs. We had to stop using solid gold eggs because they were too heavy for the children to carry, especially when they’re putting 20 or 30 in their baskets. We don’t want anyone tearing a rotator cuff and putting their future tennis or golf career in jeopardy. We also monogram the eggs after the hunt to ensure siblings don’t get their eggs mixed up. Every single egg contains a combination of at least $100 in cash, Godiva chocolate, and keys to a miniature luxury sedan, Tahoe, or Escalade.”

CCC Easter Eggs

Even North Ridge Country Club found the beige egg ordinance to be archaic. “Our Easter egg budget obviously isn’t as high as some other country clubs in town. While our eggs are plastic and filled with loose change and more economical candy, we can at least afford the multi-colored ones. We’re also able to hide more eggs since we have two golf courses. Yeah land is cheaper out here and DON’T quote me admitting to that, but two is still better than one, ya know? I mean, it’s not like we care what other clubs are doing though,” said North Ridge Assistant Director of Holiday Gatherings, Steve Booker.

North Ridge Easter Eggs

The Town of Cary remained firm in their decision after hearing of the other egg policies. “When I joined the Town Council after moving here in 2006, I swore to uphold the values of our ordinances. We take our Master Sign Plan very seriously. If we stray from these rules all hell could break loose. Before you know it we’ll have shopping centers that don’t look identical to each other,” said Morrison.


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