by William Needham Finley IV™

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Leaked Pepsi Ads Even Worse Than the First

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We have just uncovered plans for additional ads from Pepsi that were to feature Kendall Jenner. You’ve probably seen the backlash from Pepsi and Jenner’s latest collaboration. If you haven’t seen the ad, well, here it is.

Pepsi has already pulled the ad due to the response, which has mainly been “Are you….wait….is this…..uhh…what did I just watch…”

Apparently, Pepsi was to feature Jenner in a series of ads focused on social and political change. We have uncovered the scripts for the remaining ads, which seem to have been written by a mix of suburban millennials and tone deaf ad executives trying too hard to appeal to a young audience.

Ad: Kimpossible Is Nothing

Set in the dystopian future (so like, 3 months from now), the North Koreans are planning another nuclear missile launch. On the streets of a big city (NYC/LA), Kendall Jenner is busy posting selfies to Instagram while holding a Pepsi. She looks up and sees Seal Team 6 driving by in an Uber, not like a Prius though, a really badass Uber. They’re on the way to the airport to go stop Kim Jong-un. Kendall is faced with a moral dilemma; continue building her #brand or fight for our country and effect political change.

She hops in and splits the fare because she’s an independent woman and isn’t going to let no man pay for her Uber. The camera cuts to them landing in South Korea. Kendall is now dressed in camo and is looking very hot as they exit the military cargo plane. They pass through the DMZ, which Kendall keeps calling the “DMV”. Inside North Korea they enter Kim Jong-un’s palace, where he’s already waiting for them.

Kendall approaches Kim Jong-un with a Pepsi and a secret weapon. Face to face with the North Korean leader she realizes he shares the same name as her sister. She smiles, looks back at Seal Team 6 and winks, then hands him the Pepsi. “This world is only big enough for one Kim, bitch,” she says. Before letting go, she slips a Mentos into the can, and duct tapes it to his hand. She backs away slowly, but confidently, as the Pepsi explodes, leaving Kim Jong-un covered in soda and very sticky. He is not happy. He launches nukes aimed at the U.S. but they don’t even make it past liftoff because the North Koreans have inferior rocket technology. Pepsi saves the day again. 

Ad: I Dream of Kendall

Kendall is busy posting selfies to Instagram while holding a Pepsi. She notices civil rights leaders marching in the streets. Curious, she puts down her phone, but not her Pepsi, and joins them in the march. They come upon police with firehoses and Kendall wonders why they aren’t putting out any fires. She hands them a Pepsi and then the Civil Rights Act is signed by JFK while a young Bill Clinton plays the saxophone as the outro music. Pepsi brings everyone together.

Ad: Hip to Be Square

Kendall is visiting Tiananmen Square because we’re trying to branch out into the Chinese markets. She’s taking pictures on Instagram while holding a Pepsi. She sees some tanks and wonders why they’re in the street. She thinks “LOL, tanks don’t drive on streets. That’s silly.” She approaches the tank with a Pepsi. The driver of the tank gets out, and it’s a young Jackie Chan. He realizes he doesn’t want to be a tank driver, so he and Kendall hop on a plane and he moves to America to start a film career. Pepsi lets you achieve your dreams.

Ad: Are you there God? It’s me, Kendall, and a Pepsi.

Kendall is busy taking pictures of herself on Instagram while drinking a Pepsi. She notices God, floating above her, attempting to breathe life into Adam. Confused, and wanting to stand up for women, she walks over to God and hands him a Pepsi. God grants free will to mankind and everything turns out ok for the rest of history. Pepsi, there from the beginning.

Pepsi has pulled all remaining ads and declined to comment. We’ll keep you posted if we find any more leaked ideas.

Mom Notes: This section is used to explain who Kendall Jenner is to my Mom, since she’s reading this. Kendall Jenner is part of the Kardashian family. They are famous because one of their daughters, Kim, became friends with Paris Hilton and then made an adult movie with a D-list rapper named Ray J. (Do not get him confused with Jay-Z) That led to a series of reality television shows featuring the entire family, which resulted in them making a fortune.

Former Broughton Quarterback Stacy Miller to Run for City Council

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I could not be more honored to announce that Raleigh attorney and former Broughton quarterback Stacy Miller will run for City Council in 2017. Stacy running for City Council is great news for a number of reasons. We have the chance to add another Broughton graduate to the council, and he’s got some great ideas for Raleigh. Plus, he let me announce this decision, which further legitimizes ITB Insider™ as a media empire and source for real news.

Stacy Miller for Raleigh City Council

Friends: I'm excited to announce that I'm running for Raleigh City Council At-Large. Check out stacymillernc.com for more info.

Posted by Stacy Miller for Raleigh City Council At-Large on Monday, March 20, 2017

 

Public service isn’t new to Stacy. He served on the City Council from 1996-1997 and his passion for public service actually dates back to his time at Broughton.

“I’m going to go throw the game winning touchdown, but I just want to say that our police and firefighters deserve to be paid more. Go Caps!”

It’s been great having Bonner Gaylord represent Broughton on the City Council, but we need to tip the scales a little more in our favor. That’s why I’ve spent the last few years encouraging Stacy to run. I know I had a lot to do with getting Bonner elected whenever the last election was, so I recently met with Stacy to talk campaign strategy.

“First, congrats on letting me announce your candidacy for City Council. To win a campaign you’ve got to have an iconic campaign poster, like the one that I made for Bonner.”

“Well, that sure is…. iconic,” Stacy replied.

“I’ve got a few themes for yours. First, you as Superman. Your name starts with an “S”. It just works,” I said.

“Ok…but then who’s Batman?”

“I can’t tell you, but his name starts with “B”, he works for a company that rhymes with Wayne, and he likes technology,” I replied.

“So it’s Bonner.”

“You didn’t hear that from me. I’ve also got this one that shows you’ll be a leader that cares about our police and firefighters, children, and Dix Park.”

Stacy looked confused for a moment, then finally spoke, “Am I riding a dinosaur?”

“That would be the LaCroixasaurus that we’re going to genetically engineer at Dix Park. Kids love them, which is clearly evident from all the thumbs ups you’re getting.”

Stacy was still taking it all in, “Is that Red Rocks?”

“It sure is. If Dix Park is going to be world-class then we need to move Red Rocks amphitheater from Colorado to Raleigh.”

“And what’s that one random bike doing in the background?” he asked.

“That’s the bike share program.”

“But there’s only one bike.”

“That’s why it’s called bike “share”. We can’t buy bikes for everyone, how would we pay for the downtown canal?”

“Look, these all sound like great ideas, but I’d like to be a little more practical. Let’s hold off on this poster for now,” he said.

“Good point, we don’t want to overwhelm the voters. I already came up with your campaign slogan: ‘It’s not about party lines, it’s about beltlines.’”

Stacy laughed, “While I understand you’re focused on ITB, I care about all of Raleigh. I do agree that it’s not about party lines though. There’s no Democratic or Republican way to fill a pothole. It’s really about what’s best for the city and the people who live here.”

“Good point, I’m just ecstatic that we may have another Broughton Capital on the council pretty soon. I’ll keep working on some photoshops,” I said, ready to take on another grueling campaign season.

I’ll let Stacy and his campaign team fill in the details about his platform. Follow along on Twitter and Facebook to learn more.

Clear eyes, full hearts, can’t lose.

 

How ITB Insider™ Won A Major Award

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Being a startup is all about winning awards. And after being in existence for over six months I have yet to win any. That all changed last night when Raleigh’s hottest startup, ITB Insider™, took home a major award at the 2017 Downtown Raleigh Alliance annual meeting. Commonly known as the “DRA”, the Downtown Raleigh Alliance “supports downtown’s revitalization by contributing to its economic success”. They do a lot of great things for the city, which you can read about here because I’m too overwhelmed with joy to explain them to you right now.

One of their biggest events is the annual meeting, where they talk about Raleigh, give out awards, and probably do other stuff that I’m unaware of because I’ve never actually been to one. My standard protocol is to avoid the crowds by staying home and tweeting about the event. By using the hashtag they’ve selected for the evening, my tweets will show up on the big screens at the event for all in attendance to see. In the past I had just used Twitter to provide commentary on the evening, but this year I knew I needed more. It was time to take control of the event and give myself an award.

After realizing the event was being held last night, I checked with a source and began my work. 

With the keys to the castle in hand, I proceeded to captivate the audience.

I leveraged synergies and mentioned my wonderful lawyer Stacy Miller and Miller Law Group, who I knew were in attendance.

I knew my plan was working because I received a text from another person at the event who thought I was there. 

And then, it happened. I won my first award as a startup media empire. The Downtown Best Media Empire Award was given out to me, by me, so that I could get the respect and adulation that I think I deserve.

I assume there was a 10 minute standing ovation and that people were crying tears of joy. “Finally, he did it! He’s worked so hard,” said someone really important, probably. “All those Tweets and Instagrams, all those impressions and pageviews he’s gotten over the last six months, this is so deserved,” said another CEO, I assume. “His investigative work on the Trolley Pub almost ruining the Raleigh Christmas parade, and that piece on The Alley closing, no wonder he won this,” added another attendee.

I obviously had a ton of people to thank.

It truly was an amazing experience and a great night for all. Congratulations to the other award winners as well. I look forward to going to Johnson-Lambe to get them to make an actual award for me that I’ll proudly display at our startup media empire headquarters. Here’s to more success in 2017.

Raleigh Parents Nearly Riot Over Summer Camp Site Crash

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I received the following Tweet on Monday morning:

“Seriously. If my kids don’t get into Pullen art camp and camp at Jaycee, I will have a rage blackout. #ITBproblems cc @WNFIV”

This is how I was alerted to what turned out to be a near riot over the City of Raleigh’s Summer Camp sign-up process. Apparently, the city offers summer camps for children from ages 3 to 16 in 36 locations in Raleigh. Parents were told that camp sign-up would be handled through a website that opened at 5:30 am on Monday morning. The website did its best Healthcare.gov impression and totally failed, crashing repeatedly and causing parents to lash out. Here is a brief sampling of the reaction: (these are real)

“Raleigh Parks and Rec has gone way downhill the last few years. Can’t say I’m surprised once again a major fail by them! I would not recommend them!”

“It was hung up, we HAD to cancel the transaction which logged us off. This is an AWFUL way to book camps!!!!”

“AWFUL. I was almost in tears at 5:50 AM on a Monday morning. My friends and I were in a text freak-out string. What is being done to fix and prevent it in the future? Would love to know.”

Hell hath no fury like an ITB mom text freak-out string. According to Andy Specht’s coverage, the city processed more than 8,000 summer camp registrations Monday morning, which caused the site to crash, resulting in a total panic among parents.

I totally understand the backlash. Having to deal with your kids during the summer is an ITB parent’s greatest fear. That’s why most parents send their kids to Camp Sea Gull or Seafarer for as long as they possibly can.

My first reaction to the news of the site being down was to view this as an opportunity. If I could log on to the site and reserve as many spaces as possible, I could then resell the spaces to parents who weren’t lucky enough to register. Basically I would create the Airbnb of summer camps.

I logged on and read through the camps and was dumbfounded. I figured these camps would consist of throwing some kids in a gym all day for dodgeball and limited water breaks. I had no idea how much time and effort the city puts into these. Below are just a few that I would sign up for if I hadn’t already aged out.

Bricks 4 Kidz – Jurassic Brick World with LEGO® Bricks
You’re about to enter Jurassic Brick Land! Build a world with LEGO4 Bricks that comes to life with a gentle Brontosaurus, ferocious Velociraptor, and terrible T. Rex.

Bricks 4 Kidz – LEGO® Bat League: Heroes and Villians!
Enter the dark city where a dangerous jokester and other evil villains wreak havoc. Thankfully there is a bat hero who comes out each night to fight against these evil-doers! Campers will improve their building skills and crime-fighting passion in this thrilling camp of bat heroes and villains!

CSI Forensics
Who done it? Campers will investigate a mock crime scene, finding clues through scavenger hunts, fun activities and discussions. They will use experimentation and forensic technology to explore, gather and analyze evidence to solve the mystery of the week. Campers will participate in a mock trial, acting as lawyers, judge and jury.

Holt Brothers Football Camp
Torry and Terrence Holt, former NC State and NFL football stars, will lead this one-week camp experience for boys AND girls interested in learning about sportsmanship and teamwork.

First of all, where were these camps when I was a kid? These sound incredible. Jurassic Park and Batman LEGOs that you get to keep at the end of the week, CSI: ITB and Law & Order: ITB Victims Unit rolled into one camp, and a football camp with former NFL players! I now see why parents had a full on meltdown over the possibility of not getting their kids into these camps.

Unfortunately, the registration wasn’t working for me either, which led to plan B. I would create my own summer camp where kids could come and learn how to run a media empire. At Finley’s Fun Work Camp, kids learn valuable life skills through the following activities:

Wash the Suburban, Tahoe, or Yukon – learn teamwork skills as you attempt to wash and detail these Wade Ave 500 road warriors.

Manage a LaCroix stand – not only are the profit margins huge at $5 per can, your little one will learn about supply and demand, managing inventory, sales, and marketing.

Constructing the downtown Raleigh canal – kids love heavy-duty construction equipment. So why not let them use it?  Kids will have access to the finest heavy-duty equipment as they begin to dig out the canal.

Excavate Dix Park – we all know what lies beneath Dix Park. Let your kid be one of the first to uncover fossilized remains of the dinosaurs that used to roam these lands. (Any dino-DNA discovered during excavation will remain property of ITB Insider™ for future use in genetically engineering actual dinosaurs.)

Pick up my morning Rise biscuits and donuts so I won’t have to deal with the delays from road closures.

You’re probably thinking that all these activities are going to be super expensive. Fortunately, I figured out how to incorporate my sponsors to decrease the cost to campers. Snacks and lunch will be catered by 80Fresh and the SUV pick up and drop off lines will be brought to you by Thompson Buick GMC Cadillac. I’ll also be sure to use Walk West for my sign-up website so it won’t crash and cause an outrage. For just one case of LaCroix a day, you can sponsor a child to attend Finley’s Fun Work Camp.

My lawyer Stacy Miller, with Miller Law Group, said I’d be violating all sorts of child labor laws, no matter how silly and outdated they were. I suggested he represent the ITB parents who were unable to sign up for camp in a class action law suit against the city and let me take a referral fee for every client he got. He said that probably isn’t the best course of action.

Anyway, this was quite the fiasco. I fully expect the Holderni to do a parody video titled “Website Crashes” based on “Lightning Crashes” by Live.

Website crashes, a new mother cries,

Her Macbook Air falls to the floor…


I’ll let them take it from here. I’ve got to go to another ITBusiness meeting. Feel free to share your experience with signing up for summer camp in the comments.

Mordecai Outraged Over Rumored Buyers of Iconic Property

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Residents Fear Dave & Buster’s and Other Rumored Buyers

Raleigh’s most iconic motor lodge is officially for sale, and Mordecai residents are terrified. Our new investigative reporter, James Borden, brought this story to my attention in his first Development Beat earlier this week. The 19-bedroom, 14-bathroom Gables Motor Lodge property is listed for $1.5 million and is located in the Mordecai neighborhood, right outside of downtown Raleigh. Most importantly, it’s in the Broughton school district. Rumors are already circulating about prospective buyers, including:

La Quinta Inns & Suites, who would continue to operate the facility, but would bring the current 4-star rating down to a 1-star.

Dave & Buster’s, who are looking to expand into the Raleigh market after seeing success in Cary.

Mark Wahlberg, who plans to open a Wahlburgers Food Hall to complement the Wahlburgers restaurant coming to downtown Raleigh.

Big Lots, who plans to to build a “Mini-Big Lots” concept, similar to the new mini-Target coming to Hillsborough Street.

Apple, who is considering moving an iPhone manufacturing facility to North Carolina if HB2 is repealed.

Since my media empire is expanding, I considered buying the property to use as an office. Like any good real estate mogul, I figured I would need to win the residents over. So last night I attended an emergency Mordecai neighborhood meeting to discuss the rumored buyers. The level of outrage ranged from “ugh, the wait at Capital Club 16 brunch is 10 minutes” to “OMG a chain restaurant is coming to Fayetteville Street!”.

“This just doesn’t sit well with me. My chakras feel out of balance,” said Cassandra Winston, a Trustafarian who owns Pastallations, an Etsy store that sells hand-made vegan pasta in the shapes of astrological signs.

“What if they put something modern there?! My cousin dealt with this same problem over in Oakwood, and it did NOT end well,” screamed Jill Wiesner, a Mordecai resident.

“What the hell is a Wahlburger?!? Is this fake news? What would that even pair with?” asked Jason Shaw, a local craft brewer who uses fresh soil instead of hops to create unique flavors of beer at Oak & Walter’s, a new micro-brewery coming to City Market.

While most residents expressed their fears, a few did offer solutions.

“I would approve of an Ashley Christensen restaurant that offered 19 different concepts on mac and cheese, one in each room,” said Jessica Sanders, a food blogger who only reviews mac and cheese dishes across the region.

“I’m a minimalist, so I’d really like to see the space used by designers of local micro-projects that will be consumed by less than 100 people. Once a project gets too popular it loses its integrity and authenticity,” said a resident who only goes by “Fitz” and describes himself as a local nano-influencer with a purposefully small Instagram following of 27 people.

An example of a micro-project by a nano-influencer.

I left the meeting dumbfounded. There was no way I was going to win these people over. I had my development reporter research what I could do with the property if I decided to buy it. Borden informed me that there are no specific protections in place preventing the future owners from tearing down and dividing the lots to build Cary McMansions.


At first we thought that since the Lodge is considered a “contributing resource” in Raleigh’s Mordecai Place Historic District that any changes would have to be approved by the Raleigh Historic Development Commission. OldPrivy on Twitter informed us that Mordecai is a National Register district, not a local historic district. That means that any changes to the property won’t have to be approved by anyone. We’ll be keeping a close eye on who buys the property.

More on the Gables Motor Lodge

From Borden: The two-story, gable-roofed Tudor revival style home was built by William and Ella Johnson as a boarding house/motel to cash in on the tourist traffic from Route 1. Mrs. Johnson ran the place until the 1940s, and eventually sold it to Charlie Griffin in 1965. Known as “Uncle Charlie”, Griffin continued operating the Gables Motor Lodge until he passed away in August of 2016. His great-nephew recently decided to list the property for sale.


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Pope Makes Secret Visit to Raleigh

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 The Pope ended his tour of the U.S. with an unannounced trip to Raleigh on Sunday. The visit was kept secret so that ITB residents would not have to deal with masses of unwanted outsiders flocking to see the Pope. The Pope arrived at RDU in the morning and boarded his custom Tahoe Popemobile to begin his tour of Raleigh.

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The Pope arrived at RDU in the morning and boarded his custom Tahoe Popemobile to begin his tour of Raleigh. Crowds cheered as the Pope raced down the Wade Avenue 500 in record setting time on his way to attend church at White Memorial.

Even though the church is Presbyterian, the Pope assured everyone in attendance that they would receive VIP access to heaven over other Raleigh residents. The crowd rejoiced as people threw gold bricks into the offering plates.

Pope on Oberlin
Jesus, take the wheel.

The Pope then led a prayer vigil for the ITB Mother who crashed her car on the steps of Hayes Barton, followed by a communion with water crackers and pumpkin spice lattes. “I know, I know, I shouldn’t be wearing white after Labor Day,” he joked, as he blessed a newborn girl with a double name.

The Pope also visited Gelwood South, where he sighed heavily and quietly muttered things like “this is savage wasteland of debauchery and sin” as he surveyed Still Life and Cornerstone.

He continued on to Fayetteville Street where he blessed the endangered patios and prayed that they would be able to serve others until 2:00 am, as God intended. As he was leaving, a Trolley Pub roared by, startling his security team.

Saving the best for last, the Pope arrived at Broughton High School to deliver a speech and canonize ITB legend Pistol Pete Maravich. Known to be a huge basketball fan, it came as no surprise that the Pope wanted to make Pistol Pete a Saint. As a tribute to the greatest basketball player ever, the Pope recreated the iconic photograph of Pistol Pete that was taken when he attended Broughton.

Pistol Pope
Ball don’t lie.

The Pope then delivered a powerful speech. He spoke highly of inside the beltline, condemned the new apartments being built everywhere, and went on a tirade against Trolley Pubs.

“I very much like your ITB. It reminds me of my home in the Vatican. I visited your Cameron Village today. It is lovely place. But, if you keep building apartments there will be no room for the clothing boutiques that you buy for your children to keep them employed,” the Pope warned. “The fastest way to eternal damnation is on the Trolley Pub. The “WHOOOO-ing” is the sound of the Beast. Do not succumb to this road demon. I pray for those who indulge in this sin on wheels. Bless their heart,” he continued.

The audience cheered at the remarks and delivered a standing ovation. The Pope had one more thing to say, “Praise be to God. ITBless you all.”


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ITB Mom Has Public Meltdown on First Day of School

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On Monday morning @ItsJustRaleigh alerted me of some hard hitting news coverage of an accident in Five Points.

 

As you can see, someone drove their car up an entire flight of steps in front Hayes Barton Baptist Church. At first I assumed a Brier Creek resident was lost and unable to navigate the 8th traffic circle of hell, also known as Five Points. Then I remembered what Facebook had bombarded me with earlier that morning, it was the first day of school. Clearly this was the work of an ITB mom who had taken ten too many Xanax and was sobbing uncontrollably after dropping her kids off at Root or Lacy. The rivers of tears made it impossible to see her phone as she typed a first day of school hashtag on her Facebook and Instagram posts while driving. #theygrowupsofast

To make matters worse, she got a call from her husband who told her they might have to give up their membership at the Club as a result of the Dow dropping 1,000 points. After having the concept of the stock market explained to her, she became even more distraught at the thought of having to get a part time job at a Cameron Village boutique now that her kids were in school and she no longer had a valid reason to stay at home all day. This was all too overwhelming, causing her to miss the turn on to Whitaker Mill and drive up the steps in front of Hayes Barton Baptist.

Some speculated this was an ITB mom who was upset after finding out about her husband’s Ashley Madison account. Others thought there may have been a secret Lilly sale at North Hills that this person was racing towards.

There’s a slight chance this could have been an ITB mom reading about the plane breakup from Sunday night. Twitter user Kelly Keegan live-tweeted the breakup that she was, like, totes #blessed to witness, obvi. Since this happened on a flight leaving the Raleigh airport, we’ll consider it newsworthy. I’m too lazy to put all the tweets here so if you haven’t heard about it just go read the story on Us Weekly. Kelly went from around 1,500 followers when I first looked on Sunday night, to over 19,000 around 24 hours later. She’ll probably be on the Today Show and Good Morning America by the end of the week, and then the Holderni will do a breakup parody video titled “It’s Not Me, It’s You” set to the tune of “It Takes Two” by Marvin Gaye and Kim Weston. Kelly will get a book deal and an HBO pilot for her reporting. I’ll just sit here and reevaluate my life and try to figure out how to launch a media empire. At least I didn’t drive my car up the steps of Hayes Barton Baptist Church.

Editor’s note: I’m not insinuating that all ITB moms have kids just so they won’t have to get real jobs and that all ITB husbands cheat on their wives. It’s probably more like 60%.

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