by William Needham Finley IV™

Five Points Family Preps for the Angus Barn Trail

in Humor/ITBNN by
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A Five Points family is ready to venture outside the beltline. Davis Knox Craig III, a doctor, and his wife Mary Anna Dover Craig, a mother and micITBit member, have spent the last few weeks carefully preparing for their annual holiday visit to the Angus Barn. The 10.3 mile journey from their house in Five Points can be treacherous, especially at this time of the year.

“Traffic will obviously be bad on Glenwood as we head OTB. And I’m sure people will be last minute Christmas shopping at Crabtree, so we’ll have to wear Kevlar Patagonia vests as protection from stray bullets,” said Craig III, referring to the Crabtree shooting incident that may or may not have happened last year.

“Last Christmas, the beltline was too busy to ford. That’s when we lost Little Davis….” Mary Anna said, her voice trailing off as she talked about their only child. Note: Little Davis did not almost die, he just threw a tantrum so unbearable that his father slipped him a Go-Gurt laced with Ambien to put him to sleep for the duration of the trip.


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A trip of this magnitude requires a lot of planning. Earlier this week, the family updated their 2017 Yukon (from Thompson Buick GMC Cadillac, obviously) with the latest maps, and upgraded their in-SUV WiFi to Google Fiber.

“We had to make sure our WiFi would work because cell service can be spotty out there,” said Mary Anna. “I’m bringing my iPad so I can watch The Crown on Netflix and do last minute shopping using WNFIV’s Amazon link. Little Davis can watch Paw Patrol on his iPad, and Big Davis can just drive in silence.”

With their entertainment planned out, the family still had to prepare for the worst: being stuck outside the beltline.

The family’s list of supplies resembled a modern day Oregon Trail inventory:

Extra batteries for charging iPhones, iPads, and MacBook Pros

20 lb bag of grain

1 Musket

50 boxes of musket bullets

5 lb bag of flour


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6 Broughton Tradition Scarves

6 dozen Ladyfingers ham rolls

8 Kevlar lined Patagonia vests

20 lbs of coffee

8 down blankets

4 cases of wine from Seaboard Wine

2 Go-Gurts laced with Ambien

20 sets of clothing

2 dozen donuts from Rise


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YETI Hopper Two 20

YETI Tundra 75

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4 iPads

3 Bear traps

12 oxen

6 Goose down pillows

The father, and party leader, thinks all this planning could have been avoided.

“I’m still a bit upset that White Memorial didn’t let William Needham Finley IV move Angus Barn inside the beltline as part of his summer mission trip in seventh grade,” said Craig III. “But I guess it’s good to use this as a way to teach our kid to appreciate what he has. Sometimes we’ll drive through Brier Creek on the way home to remind Little Davis of how good he has it.”


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Mary Anna, who is making her third trip to the Angus Barn this Christmas season, has prepared a checklist for when they arrive.

“The first trip was a girls night out, so obvi we had to take a basic group pic in front of the Christmas tree, and then do a boomerang of us cheersing (toasting) rosé. The second time was for a work Christmas party, but we were downstairs where the lighting is awful for Insta. On this trip we have to make sure we get a pic for my Insta story AND for an Insta post. And it can’t just be the same pic,” she said.


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After loading up the Yukon and getting ready to embark, the couple stopped to reflect on the risks associated with such a journey.

“You never know what can go wrong on the trail. But it’s worth it for the Chocolate Chess Pie and cheese and crackers,” said Craig III.

“And for the Instagram,” added Mary Anna.

“And for the…..for….the…” slurred Little Davis from the backseat, as he quietly slipped into a Go-Gurt Ambien induced coma.

Fortunately, Craig III is a doctor, the party is small, and their inventory is well stocked. We wish them safe travels.


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