Is Nelson’s Closing?

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These days it seems that the only thing people want to talk about, and rightfully so, is whether or not Nelson’s is going to close. I’ve heard a lot of rumors but don’t know what to believe. Is Nelson’s closing because of a recession? If they are closing, can I blame this on terrorism? This must be Hillary Clinton’s fault. Did Harris Teeter ruin the kitchen area of Nelson’s beyond repair? To try to clear things up I went straight to the source, Nelson’s. I saw this sign posted outside when I was there on Thursday night, Friday night, and Saturday night.

First of all, who knew that Nelson’s was a restaurant? Apparently, Nelson’s has a menu and serves food during the day. I had just assumed that this ridiculously nice bar was built for my friends and I to get blackout in from Thursday through Saturday. I thought the marble counters and full length doors on the bathrooms were there to conceal the recreational drug use. It’s so much easier to get blackout when people don’t have to worry about others walking in when five people are sharing a bathroom stall. If I had known that I could go to Nelson’s and get a good Citrus Soy Marinated Hanger Steak with wilted spinach and grilled shitakes or a Salmon Creek Farm Pork Chop with braised collards and goat cheese grit cake, I would have eaten there at least 3 times a week.

Secondly, if Nelson’s is closing their restaurant but keeping the bar open, what do I have to worry about? I’ve got no problem with them closing, as long as they aren’t changing anything and are still open from Thursday night through Saturday night so ITBers can continue spend their allowance there. I haven’t noticed any changes so far, although the other night something odd happened. I was walking in and that random guy who stands at the door (I don’t think he’s a bouncer because he never makes anyone leave, and he doesn’t check ID’s because there are almost as many underage girls at Nelson’s as there are at Crowley’s, which is exactly why I go there) told me there was a $5 cover. I walked right by him, you know why? Because I’m important and I don’t pay covers. Maybe the $5 cover is (or should I say was?) to keep out all the gel-head douchebags from the Glenwood South area, pictured below.

(This picture contains 4 gallons of hair gel and a combined 15 hours spent in tanning beds. The 2nd person from the right in the background is not a burn victim.)

Everyone knows these heathens can’t afford a $5 cover since they spend all their money on hair gel, the tanning bed, and Heineken. That’s one of the things that I love (or should I say “loved”?) about Nelson’s, all of those Guido losers didn’t fit in so they rarely showed up. I always try as hard as possible to look down on these guys when I see them at Nelson’s to let them know how important I am. I’m glad they instituted the $5 cover though, maybe they’ll stay away for good. That’s got to be the only reason for the cover, there’s no way Nelson’s is running out of money and actually needs to have a cover. I thought that I was the one keeping that place in business anyway, what with all the shots and jager bombs that I buy there. Money can’t possibly be the problem.

I know you’re probably thinking “William, shouldn’t you know what’s going on? Aren’t you real good friends with the owner because you’re both so ITB?”. Of course I know the owner, he’s friends with my Dad, and yes we are both ITB as shit. I haven’t had time to talk to him about it, but I’m sure that, as the sign says, everything is fine.

I’ve heard a few people say that Nelson’s is going to eventually close completely. This can’t be true. I’m not worried though, if it is true I’m sure my Dad’s lawyers will find somebody to sue or something so that Nelson’s can stay open. If worse comes to worst, I can always cash in some stock options or part of my trust fund and buy Nelson’s myself. There is no way a place like Nelson’s should ever close for any reason. I’ll be on the edge of my seat waiting to see what happens over the next few weeks or at least until I talk to someone important. Let’s all hope that Nelson’s gets these “Mechanical Issues” fixed so we don’t have to entertain the thought of possibly going to a different bar with common people.