by William Needham Finley IV™

ITB Will Dominate the London Olympics

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I don’t leave ITB unless there’s a good reason to. Watching friend and Broughton alum Jesse Williams compete in the London Olympics is a great reason to leave. I really owe him for making it to the Olympics, since it’s allowed me to be the center of attention by constantly telling everyone that I’m going to London. From this Friday until next Friday, Forrest and I will be partying non-stop in London. I’ve spent my entire life training for this. All Olympians set goals for themselves, so I decided to do the same. They are;

Support Jesse Williams as Broughton Goes for Gold

As Jesse competes in the High Jump, we’ll be there to support him so that all of Broughton can share his victory. Just as all Broughton students have now won the U.S. Open thanks to Webb, if Jesse wins then Broughton wins, and we all win. It’s the transitive property. Learned that in Algebra Club.

ITB Will Take Over London

Similar to how Britain colonized all those poor countries back in the day, I plan to spread the word of ITB through the distribution of koozies, ITB t-shirts, Broughton Tradition Scarves, and by being loud and obnoxious in general.

Get ITOV (Inside the Olympic Village)

The current ITB of London is the Olympic Village, and I have to get inside. Olympic Village is basically like a University Towers/Granville Towers times 1,000 (meaning a ton of hooking up is going on). Does anyone know the age of consent in the Olympic Village? Is it like international waters? Anyway, I’ve been told that if you know an athlete you’re basically ITOV.

Once I’m ITOV, I’ll find the hottest girls from the poorest countries, so I can impress them with stories about ITB, Broughton, indoor plumbing, and running water. “I can take you away from all of this.” is a classic line that should win them over. I’ll need to be sure that I don’t break our family rule of “don’t bring foreigners back to our home”. That rule was made when my whore of a sister, Mary Ivy Laura, got knocked up by a guy she met during her summer abroad in high school. She brought him back because they were “in love”. I felt bad for the guy, because I was pretty certain he wasn’t the father. I just remember Dad telling me I’d be cut out of his will if I ever brought back an “anchor baby”. There’s a lot more to this story in my upcoming book “Saved By the Beltline”, in the chapter on immigration titled, “Anchor Babies Away”. My point is that I have to be ITOV, no matter what it takes.

Living the Dream

Partying with the Dream Team and other athletes is my loftiest goal. I’ve already seen this play out in my head, so I’m sure this is how it will happen:

We’ll be taken into a lounge area in one of the dorms where all the athletes will be partying. This is where I’ll run into LeBron James and Team USA. They’ll be playing some cool drinking game I’ve never heard of called “Pass the Torch”, where they light $100 bills on fire, take shots, then “pass the torch” using their lit $100 bill to light the $100 bill held by the person next to them, who then takes a shot, and so on. Sort of like a Flip Cup that Smokey the Bear would frown upon. Anyway, they’ll all be playing this awesome game and I’ll walk in wearing my Broughton Tradition Scarf and ITB Insider™ shirt while double fisting beers in ITB koozies. They’ll look at me and I’ll want to say, “Ya’ll tryin to get dominated in some flip cup?!”. But I won’t say that.

I’ll play it cool by walking over to another table and starting my own game of one on one Flip Cup with Forrest. The sight of two unathletic white kids wearing scarves and babbling on about “ITB forever” will draw the attention of the athletes. LeBron will come over and ask me, “Who’s got next, and yo, why your shorts so short man?”

I’ll ask LeBron why his shorts are so long, then I’ll tell him he can be on my team and I’ll make Forrest play with the benchwarmers. LeBron and I will dominate all the other athletes. After beating Phelps and Lochte, I’ll use Lochte’s silver medal as a coaster for my beer. He’ll get mad and I’ll just say, “If it was gold it wouldn’t be a coaster now would it, Ryan?” That sounds harsh, but he needs that motivation to do better next time. Obviously going to the Olympics is a huge achievement and winning any medal is an amazing accomplisment. But you can’t go around telling everyone this is “your Olympics” then not win gold in every event. Then I’ll look over across the room and see Kobe and a gymnast practicing some sort of gymnastics over the back of a chair. LeBron will say that’s just “Kobe being Kobe”, then tell me I need to focus on our game.

LeBron will let me wear his gold medal as we go on a three hour winning streak. When we finish, he’ll say, “You’re amazing at this game! You should meet my friend Alex Morgan. Hey Alex, did you know this guy is ITB? You two should hook up!”. I’ll say, “Oh stop, LeBron…” and try to act like I don’t relish every second that I’m the center of attention, then say, “…..but, go on….”.

“Why yes, LeBron, I certainly will continue talking with Alex Morgan.”

The next morning I’ll wake up on the floor in someone’s kitchen and will come to find out that I didn’t hook up with Alex Morgan, never played flip cup with LeBron, and didn’t even make it inside Olympic Village because I totally underestimated the alcohol content of beer that isn’t Bud Light, and as a result got arrested for public drunkenness. Since I’ve seen how badly this could possibly end, I’ve spent the last month slamming 6% alcohol Bud Light Platinums to build up a tolerance. All my hard work and training is definitely going to pay off at the 2012 London Olympics.

I’ll be using Twitter to update everyone on our progress and also so our parents know whether or not we’re alive. If you don’t like updates about freedom, America, and ITB, then you’re not going to like following me for the next week. Sorry for partyin’.[hr]

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