by William Needham Finley IV™

ITBlake Helps Raleigh On $5B Amazon Deal

in Humor/ITBNN by
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$5 billion and 50,000 jobs. That’s what Raleigh is hoping to get if Amazon decides to build their second North American headquarters (HQ2) in the Triangle. People went nuts when Amazon recently put out a Request For Proposals and announced plans for HQ2. Cities across the nation scrambled to submit proposals, using hashtags and social media campaigns in an attempt to woo Amazon.

Here in Raleigh, the Research Triangle Regional Partnership (RTRP) has been using the hashtag #TriangleDelivers to show support for the proposal. But they needed help. As the only growing media empire in town, ITB Insider™ was asked to help “celebrate delivery of the HQ2 proposal and drive conversation via #TriangleDelivers” using a “positive, upbeat, celebratory” tone. This seemed like the perfect job for ITBlake the intern.


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I replied to RTRP’s request with a few thoughts:

I read the e-mail about the campaign/tone and just want to make sure I’m doing this right. Our idea is a short film starring ITBlake the intern that looks at what would happen if Amazon didn’t bring HQ2 to the area.

FADE IN:
ITBlake the intern is sitting in a Broughton classroom waiting to take his midterm exams. His entire future rests on this one day. He begins to write his name on the first exam, but his pencil breaks. Panic sets in. He hears a voiceover from WNFIV (like the ones they do in Star Wars) that says “Use the app ITBlake…use the app.” ITBlake opens Amazon Prime RIGHT Now, a new service offering 2-minute delivery via a supersonic drone. Unfortunately, that service is only available in cities where Amazon’s headquarters are located. There will be no pencil delivery. “If only Raleigh had HQ2….” ITBlake thinks to himself.


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Without a pencil, ITBlake fails all of his exams. His GPA plummets. He gets rejected from all of the colleges he’s applied to. He is left with nothing.

Ironically, ITBlake gets a job as an Amazon Prime delivery person, specializing in LaCroix delivery to ITB moms. He makes a small fortune on tips and starts investing in ITBitcoin, a new cryptocurrency that’s extremely rare and valuable. Within six months ITBlake is worth $750 ITBillion.


He buys Walmart, renames it “ITBlake-Mart”, and streamlines their operations using the ITBusiness skills he learned from his internship at ITB Insider™. He moves the headquarters to Cameron Village and sets his sights on Amazon.

Two years pass and ITBlake is dominating the online shopping industry, achieving better results than Jeff Bezos (the founder of Amazon) in a fraction of the time. On the brink of going out of business, Bezos contacts ITBlake for a meeting. He wants a merger. Everyone knows it’s a bailout. ITBlake decides to take the meeting.

The groups are seated at a giant table (made from the same stone used to build Broughton) in a conference room on the top floor of the ITBlake-Mart headquarters. The room overlooks the same classroom at Broughton where ITBlake failed all of his exams. He thinks back to that day and wonders what might have been. Jeff Bezos presents Amazon’s offer. He talks about “leveraging synergies” and finishes by asking for $300 billion, with a B.


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ITBlake stares blankly at Bezos. He reaches inside his Patagonia down ITBlazer (part of the business/outerwear clothing line he started) and begins to pulls out an object. Bezos assumes it’s a checkbook and lets out a sigh of relief. ITBlake pulls out the object and looks it over, wistfully. It’s a Number 2 pencil.

ITBlake quietly says, “Three years ago, all I needed was a pencil. But you couldn’t deliver. I failed out of school and was forced to become a billionaire just to prove a point. All I wanted to do was go to college, start a dank meme account on Instagram, and make 7 figures as an influencer. Just think where we’d all be if you had simply moved HQ2 to Raleigh.”

Bezos interrupts and starts talking about “pivoting” and “leveraging leverage” before ITBlake cuts him off. “I’m willing to overlook your mistakes. We can’t all ITBe perfect,” he says.

ITBlake uses the Number 2 pencil to write down an offer on his monogrammed Crane and Co. stationery. His assistant delivers the offer to Bezos, who slowly opens the stationery. It reads, “One fucking pencil. Take it or leave it.”

Fade to black.

Moral of the story: The demise of Amazon would never have happened if they had just moved HQ2 to Raleigh.

Alternatively, we could just take pictures of ITBlake with an Amazon box in different spots in Raleigh. We’d be glad to do this in exchange for a corner office on the top floor of the HQ2 building, and 5% equity in Amazon.

Thanks,

WNFIV

Our friends working on the proposal didn’t really know what to say, so they asked us to just take a few pictures. We made an announcement on Twitter, which immediately got the attention of the local news.

Once ITBlake arrived for his internship I explained what we’d be doing in a few easy steps.

Step 1: Cut a hole in the box (it makes the packages more aerodynamic and easier to ship)

Step 2: Write #TriangleDelivers on that box

Step 3: Drive around Raleigh and take random pictures with that box.

As we finished our media empire work I could overhear ITBlake singing to himself. “And that’s the way you do it. Christmas, #TriangleDelivers. Hanukkah, #TriangleDelivers. Kwanzaa, #TriangleDelivers. Every single holiday, #TriangleDelivers. Over at your parents’ house, #TriangleDelivers. Mid-day at the grocery store, #TriangleDelivers.”

We posted the pictures to social media and sat back to watch the impressions roll in.


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