by William Needham Finley IV™

ITBNN Investigates: WRAL Fails at Investigating the Club For Not Paying Taxes

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Once again ITB is under fire (not a mansion fire) from WRAL, the third best news organization in Raleigh, behind Broughton’s WCAP and the ITB News Network. WRAL did some “investigative” journalism and “discovered” that the Carolina Country Club (the Club) doesn’t pay corporate income tax because of its non-profit status. I still don’t understand the problem here. This story followed similar stories WRAL did where they “investigated” large organizations that don’t pay taxes, such as the NFL and the ACC. When I say WRAL “investigated” I just mean they Googled “non-profit + NFL + ACC + Scotty McCreery + how to get more page views on this story” and then came up with a story. The story focuses on the Club, but they also mention Chapel Hill Country Club, MacGregor Downs Country Club, and North Ridge Country Club. Notice they left off Brier Creek Country Club, because it’s simply an oxymoron.

WRAL’s typical yellow journalism pointed out how the Club didn’t pay corporate income tax on its $1.2M in profits last year. That profit is from the membership dues, which my parents still pay for me. That money has already been taxed once, most likely at the corporate tax rate of 15% because my parents aren’t idiots and know their way around the tax code. Personally, I don’t understand taxes and Dad doesn’t let me talk to our accountant anymore after I tried to get him to help me launder my gambling money. So I asked Twitter and found out that the Club would pay “somewhere between $180,000 and $420,000” in taxes on $1.2M. Someone alert the IRS!

“We don’t pay taxes because we don’t have to pay taxes. Deal with it.” – The Club, probably

I assume this is just a ploy by WRAL to get their grubby hands on our money so they can buy another Doppler 10 Million and maybe predict the weather correctly for the first time ever. So help me God, if they’re successful in stealing that $420,000 from the Club and it has any impact whatsoever on our quality of life while we’re golfing, tanning, Deb Balling, Raleigh Partying, etc. there will be blood. What’s next, taxing the Caps Club? Don’t even go there.

Attempting to add credibility to their story, WRAL talked to some OTB attorney. “One of the trade-offs is that these documents are public documents, because it’s your money and my money that is indirectly subsidizing the operation of these types of organizations,” Marty Martin said. Note: “Marty” is short for “Martin”, which means this guy’s name is “Martin Martin”. Clearly his parents were so OTB that they couldn’t grasp the concept of a double name. If Marty’s right, then he needs to just get over it. I think you can subsidize our putting greens and Pasta Night every once in a while, since we subsidize all your OTB roads and school buses that we never use. Just to be safe, I’ll toast you at the next Raleigh Party, since you subsidized the ice cubes in my gin and tonic. It doesn’t matter if Marty is right or wrong, I assume he’s just bitter that he isn’t a member of the Club and is upset that Brier Creek desperately needs taxpayer money to clearcut more trees to build another Applebee’s.

This is just another attack on ITB residents and I won’t stand for it. That’s why I’m working on my own tax plan for Raleigh. Taxes should be divided first by ITB and OTB, and then by ZIP code. All the taxes my parents pay for me should only go towards enriching our ZIP code. Here’s just one example of the new ITB tax code:

Section 10: Transportation

Get rid of all transportation taxes, make all OTB roads into toll roads – Despite not knowing where it is, I fully support the new toll road. In fact, I think we should make it 100 times more expensive. Why should I have to pay taxes that go towards building 540 or any of the roads that lead to places that I’ve never been and will never go? Make the people that use the road pay for it, even if they have to get double billed.

This tax code will take some time to develop, but when I’m done I’ll send it to the Governor or Obama or whoever handles this tax stuff. Until then, just ignore all these ridiculous attacks on our livelihood that are being disguised as “investigations” by WRAL “reporters”.

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