Reality Show Attempts to Save Lame Bar on Gelwood South

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It’s difficult for me, and other ITB residents I’m sure, to grasp the concept of having an outsider come in and rescue you from failure. When we fail at anything our parents simply bail us out by writing a check, calling their lawyers, disposing of evidence, or all of the above. However, it’s not at all surprising that Cashmere, a fledgling bar on Gelwood South, needs an outsider to help them stay in business. For those that don’t know, Gelwood South is the area of Glenwood South that contains clubs like Cashmere, Mirage, Solas, and insert gel head bar that will open and fail in six months. “Bar Rescue”, a television show that attempts to rescue failing bars from the reality of the free market, is currently filming at Cashmere. “Bar Rescue” airs on Spike TV, the Garner of cable channels, so Cashmere fits perfectly with their demographic of graphic tee wearing, Muscle Milk drinking, mouth breathers. “Bar Rescue” also just finished “rescuing” some hole in the wall in Garner.

The restaurant is now MoonRunners Saloon, and the reveal was a huge success. The line stretched through neighboring parking lots as people waited to be let in. According to an update from the owners, the reopening was fantastic and they ran out of moonshine.

I can’t even make this stuff up.

In order to write this post I had to actually watch an episode of this show. It’s my sacrifice to you all so you won’t have to waste an hour of your own time. You can thank me later. The host of the show, Jon Taffer, meets with the bar owner and staff to review why they suck at being a bar. In the case of Cashmere, I assume he’ll say something like, “Your clientele consists of weight lifting gel head gym rats and overly botoxed pre-cougars. These gel heads and pre-cougars spend 99% of their disposable income at GNC Live Well and the tanning bed. I’m positive you haven’t seen a triple digit bar tab in years.” After telling them why they are horrible, Jon Taffer will proceed to renovate the entire bar. Manufactured drama will be added just before cutting to a commercial break for Axe body wash, Mountain Dew, and an online college. The show will resume and we’ll see the changes they’ve implemented and whether or not they’re successful. SPOILER ALERT: They’re probably not going to be successful.

It’s fine for these shows to exist. The general public has to have something to keep them entertained. But it is totally unacceptable to be filming this kind of filth inside the beltline. Cashmere, the free market has spoken. You aren’t successful. Please just give up now. Changing your drink menu and having “professional” DJs come in and tell your amateur DJs how to hit “play” on their MacBook pros while wearing their Beats by Dre headphones on one ear is not going to make people come to your bar. It’s absurd that we even let Cashmere share an entrance next to Sullivan’s, an ITB landmark.

My friends and I have been in the bar rescue business before. We spent tens of thousands of our parents’ dollars trying to keep Felson’s alive and it simply didn’t work. Why on earth would anyone think a bar on Gelwood South could be successful? I’m setting the over/under on how long this place will still be “Cashmere” at 3 months. Send me your bets. Hint: I’m taking the under.