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We have just uncovered plans for additional ads from Pepsi that were to feature Kendall Jenner. You’ve probably seen the backlash from Pepsi and Jenner’s latest collaboration. If you haven’t seen the ad, well, here it is.
Pepsi has already pulled the ad due to the response, which has mainly been “Are you….wait….is this…..uhh…what did I just watch…”
Apparently, Pepsi was to feature Jenner in a series of ads focused on social and political change. We have uncovered the scripts for the remaining ads, which seem to have been written by a mix of suburban millennials and tone deaf ad executives trying too hard to appeal to a young audience.
Ad: Kimpossible Is Nothing
Set in the dystopian future (so like, 3 months from now), the North Koreans are planning another nuclear missile launch. On the streets of a big city (NYC/LA), Kendall Jenner is busy posting selfies to Instagram while holding a Pepsi. She looks up and sees Seal Team 6 driving by in an Uber, not like a Prius though, a really badass Uber. They’re on the way to the airport to go stop Kim Jong-un. Kendall is faced with a moral dilemma; continue building her #brand or fight for our country and effect political change.
She hops in and splits the fare because she’s an independent woman and isn’t going to let no man pay for her Uber. The camera cuts to them landing in South Korea. Kendall is now dressed in camo and is looking very hot as they exit the military cargo plane. They pass through the DMZ, which Kendall keeps calling the “DMV”. Inside North Korea they enter Kim Jong-un’s palace, where he’s already waiting for them.
Kendall approaches Kim Jong-un with a Pepsi and a secret weapon. Face to face with the North Korean leader she realizes he shares the same name as her sister. She smiles, looks back at Seal Team 6 and winks, then hands him the Pepsi. “This world is only big enough for one Kim, bitch,” she says. Before letting go, she slips a Mentos into the can, and duct tapes it to his hand. She backs away slowly, but confidently, as the Pepsi explodes, leaving Kim Jong-un covered in soda and very sticky. He is not happy. He launches nukes aimed at the U.S. but they don’t even make it past liftoff because the North Koreans have inferior rocket technology. Pepsi saves the day again.
Ad: I Dream of Kendall
Kendall is busy posting selfies to Instagram while holding a Pepsi. She notices civil rights leaders marching in the streets. Curious, she puts down her phone, but not her Pepsi, and joins them in the march. They come upon police with firehoses and Kendall wonders why they aren’t putting out any fires. She hands them a Pepsi and then the Civil Rights Act is signed by JFK while a young Bill Clinton plays the saxophone as the outro music. Pepsi brings everyone together.
Ad: Hip to Be Square
Kendall is visiting Tiananmen Square because we’re trying to branch out into the Chinese markets. She’s taking pictures on Instagram while holding a Pepsi. She sees some tanks and wonders why they’re in the street. She thinks “LOL, tanks don’t drive on streets. That’s silly.” She approaches the tank with a Pepsi. The driver of the tank gets out, and it’s a young Jackie Chan. He realizes he doesn’t want to be a tank driver, so he and Kendall hop on a plane and he moves to America to start a film career. Pepsi lets you achieve your dreams.
Ad: Are you there God? It’s me, Kendall, and a Pepsi.
Kendall is busy taking pictures of herself on Instagram while drinking a Pepsi. She notices God, floating above her, attempting to breathe life into Adam. Confused, and wanting to stand up for women, she walks over to God and hands him a Pepsi. God grants free will to mankind and everything turns out ok for the rest of history. Pepsi, there from the beginning.
Pepsi has pulled all remaining ads and declined to comment. We’ll keep you posted if we find any more leaked ideas.
Mom Notes: This section is used to explain who Kendall Jenner is to my Mom, since she’s reading this. Kendall Jenner is part of the Kardashian family. They are famous because one of their daughters, Kim, became friends with Paris Hilton and then made an adult movie with a D-list rapper named Ray J. (Do not get him confused with Jay-Z) That led to a series of reality television shows featuring the entire family, which resulted in them making a fortune.