by William Needham Finley IV™

Residents Distraught Over Temporary Closure of Starbucks

in Humor/ITBNN by
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The closing of the Cameron Village Starbucks has left a community reeling. The store closed its doors this week as it prepared to move to a new location, about 30 yards across the street. Unfortunately, many regular customers were unaware of the closing and showed up to find the doors locked.

A sign on the door informed the public that the store was closed, but would reopen in the new location on Thursday, November 9th. Customers stood outside not knowing what to do with themselves.

“This is killing my down-line,” said Jason Bass, holding a Staples legal pad and off-brand YETI tumbler filled with coffee that he brought from home to save money. Bass is part of a pyramid scheme that sells energy drinks and paper towels, and often uses the Starbucks to meet with potential employees.


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Pyramid scheme representatives weren’t the only group affected by the closure.

“Look, I know I should be buying local, but I technically am, since I moved here from Seattle,” said Asher Austin, as he sat down at an outdoor table and pulled his decal covered Macbook from an earth tone messenger bag, attempting to use the free Wifi.


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Moms in desperate need of a caffeine and gossip fix during their Mother’s Morning Out were horrified to learn of the closing.

“I (clapping emoji) need (clapping emoji) my (clapping emoji) PSL (clapping emoji),” said Mary Anna Davis, referring to the Starbucks Pumpkin Spice Latte.

(Editor’s note: with the recent iOS issues surrounding the letter “I” we figured it best to type out “clapping emoji” so everyone could read it.)

“We need to discuss the micITBit drama and how we are all going to donate to the Y’s We Build People Campaign,” added Anna Mary Hurst.



Many potential customers got back in their SUVs and rushed to the nearest Starbucks on Peace Street, .9 miles away. It was a madhouse.

Not surprisingly, sales at Seaboard Wine spiked, as moms started drinking early to deal with their caffeine withdrawals while also stocking up for the weekend.

“Friday is a teacher workday and my kids are still jacked up on Halloween candy,” said one mother, as she purchased a case of red and a case of white wine.


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Back at Harris Teeter, employees took time to reassure unknowing customers that everything would be ok.

“I thought we had lost this Starbucks location for good. It really shows how fragile life is. Hug your Venti Chai Latte a little tighter this morning. You never know when it can be taken away for 48 hours,” said Davis.

It’s rumored that the old Starbucks space in Harris Teeter will be turned into a LaCroix section, with Express Yourself Paint doing the LaCroix themed interior painting. Hopefully, that news will appease residents as they work to overcome this struggle.


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