R.I.P. Nelson’s

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After talking to the owners of the building that once housed “the only bar in the world” (according to the poll results), it’s official……Nelson’s is dead. Pause for a moment of silence. Before I continue, I want to take time to say goodbye to Nelson’s. Nelson’s was the cause of 13,324 random hook-ups. The place where 49,242 jager bombs were taken. The scene of countless “fights” that inevitably turned into a group of guys yelling at each other in the parking lot before going to late night. No fights actually occurred, but that one night I swear I would have beaten the shit out of that commoner if he hadn’t driven off in his Nissan Xterra. Nelson’s was also the cause of 62 trips to planned parenthood. It was the birthplace of 94 DUIs, including mine. It was the only ITB bar (other than Crowley’s) that never once turned away an underage ITB female. Finally, Nelson’s served as a safe haven for ITB residents who couldn’t stand the thought of having to associate with the less fortunate (poor people). Nelson’s, you will be missed by many. Although I only remember 10% of the time that I spent there, I will never forget the impact you had on ITB.

For those of you who haven’t killed yourselves yet, step back off that ledge, because according to this sign, Foster’s is moving back to Cameron Village in May.

Total advertising budget for Foster’s: $40.40.

Let that sink in for a minute. At first, I was unsure why Foster’s only spent $40.40 on signage. The signs on the building are so small and plain. An announcement of this magnitude deserves to be put on a 40 foot banner hung from the Broughton bell tower (yeah I’ve been inside it), or should at least make the front page of the N&O. You wouldn’t find any news about this epic comeback on News 14 Carolina, since cougar Heather Childers still hasn’t responded to my e-mail. All News 14 cares about is poor people shooting each other over drugs or “inner city crime” as they call it, the “drought”, “rising gas prices” and the Charlotte Bobcats. They even cover stories about OTB, it’s absurd. Well none of that affects me, so why bother even reporting on it? There isn’t a drought, I have water (and an awesome lawn because of it), crime doesn’t exist where I live, and I’m glad gas prices are going up. $5 a gallon gas makes it harder for poor people to drive, thus clearing the road for my SUV. It also makes the roads look nicer because poor people can’t drive their crappy cars around town. (Note: Crappy cars are defined as anything that was made before 2006 and isn’t a Range Rover/Tahoe/Escalade/BMW/Mercedes) Sometimes I’ll drive laps around the beltline (careful not to go outside of it) just to use more gas in hopes that I’m lowering the supply and making the price go up. I’m not sure if this actually works because I don’t really understand the economy.

I’m sorry, I’ve gotten off topic, I was so confused as to why the signs on the door of Nelson’s (RIP) were so small, but then it hit me, the smaller the sign, the more exclusive Foster’s at Cameron Village will be. If there was a huge banner hung from the Broughton bell tower, all those douchebag gel heads would see it on their way to “Tool Pigeons” or that run down warehouse they call a bar named “Lucky B’s” or “Around the Corner” or whatever they call it. Seriously gel heads, just pick a name and stick with it. Having such a small sign will ensure that Foster’s continues to be exclusive as shit. We have to make sure it stays that way, so those downtown commoners won’t show up and spread their STDs all over the place.

More importantly, Foster’s is back in its original location, and it’s about damn time. We’ve all been going through withdrawal from Nelson’s, (and cocaine of course, Forrest says it’s almost impossible to do in Foster’s because that bathroom is so disgusting, it’s a good thing he could at least go to Churchill’s and just do it right off the bar). One thing I am going to miss about the Five Points Foster’s is the size of the building. There was nothing better than spending 19 minutes standing in the 4 foot wide space between the bar and the booths as I would try to walk from the front of the building to the dance floor. It was nice to spend that time conversing with fellow ITBers who were 2 inches away from my face. I can only hope that the staff from Nelson’s who went to work at Foster’s at Five Points will come back to where Nelson’s used to be so they can work at Foster’s in Cameron Village. If that’s confusing to you, it’s not to these guys. They know that where ever I go there’s a ton of money being spent on jager bombs and huge tips. Instead of wasting time getting real jobs, they stay where they know I’ll be spending tons of money three nights a week. Their level of service is impeccable, especially from that 40-year old, although that should probably be expected from someone who’s been in the business for so long. The bouncers are on point as well. An ITB friend of mine noticed that the bouncers aren’t actually checking your birth date on your ID, they’re checking your ZIP code. That’s right OTBers, don’t even bother. Keep up the good work guys, the real world can wait another ten years. As much as I hate to see Nelson’s closing, it’s reassuring to know that the exact same bar is taking its place. Finally, I can go out at night confident that I won’t run into anyone that I don’t know. Thank you new owners (dad) of Foster’s in Cameron Village, you have given me, and many others, a reason to live.[hr]