The ITB Chick-fil-A

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After years of waiting, the ITB Chick-fil-A has finally arrived. We are now one step closer to never having to leave ITB for anything. There was such a demand for this that the ITB Chick-fil-A even appeared in Round 1 of the 2011 ITB March Madness Tournament, and it didn’t even exist back then. This is the only two story Chick-fil-A in the world. It was designed this way to reinforce classism, with the intention of having the lower class sit on the bottom floor, while upper class ITB moms take the elevator to the top floor to enjoy a delicious #5 combo with a Diet Coke, and look out over their vast ITB empire. This is also the only Chick-fil-A that will be open on Sunday, when prices will be tripled to ensure that masses of outsiders don’t try to come in and busy up the place.

I don’t want to say that this ITB Chick-fil-A is the answer to all of our problems, but it certainly is going to change lives. I spoke to one ITB mother, who said, “This changes everything. Now my youngest child and I don’t have to go to North Hills for our forced play dates that are eerily similar to arranged marriages. My kids at Broughton will be able to hang out here after school so I can avoid having to spend time with them. We’ll also have the Broughton PTA meetings here and we’ll convince Chick-fil-A to accept Caps passes as a form of payment so we can stop giving our kids $20 for lunch every day. We can hold Queen of Hearts planning meetings here, and the Broughton homecoming parade will end here and all the kids will get out of the cars we bought them and have specialty purple and gold Broughton milkshakes and rejoice in the fact that they didn’t have to leave ITB to get Chick-fil-A.” I had to cut her off at this point, but you can see how this is impacting our community.

As I told you in an earlier post, the ITB Chick-fil-A will have an underground tunnel that connects to Broughton. Students can use the tunnel so they won’t be in danger of getting hit by the Suburbans of stay at home mothers who text and drive as they run errands in Cameron Village. The tunnel also allows for direct catering of Broughton luncheons, senior picnics, and other events that would require gourmet efficient food.

Perhaps the most unique feature of the ITB Chick-fil-A is the double drive thru lane, which was also inspired by ITB elitism. One lane is for customers from ITB, and the other is for OTBers. The ITB lane is closer to the building and 10 feet wider than normal to accommodate for large SUVs and the inability of ITB mothers to drive them through standard sized drive thru lanes. The service provided in this lane is approximately 10 times faster than the OTB lane. The employees won’t say “my pleasure” to the people in the OTB lane, and they won’t give them an option of requesting “no pickle”. The OTB lane will only serve food that’s left over from the day before. The drive through contains state of the art cameras, which read the make and model of the car and scans the license plate to determine the ZIP code, before directing people to the proper lane.

Chick-fil-A is the most respectful gourmet efficient food restaurant I’ve ever been to. The employees always take pleasure in serving me, no matter how rude I’m being while Tweeting that I’m about to eat at Chick-fil-A, instead of paying attention to their question of what sauce I want. They always say “my pleasure” after waiting on me. I don’t think they’re told to say that, I just think they’re being honest. The management of the ITB Chick-fil-A was so concerned with making sure they met ITB standards that they invited me to an exclusive private breakfast last Friday at 9:00am.

Last Friday at the exclusive private breakfast

I arrived fashionably late at 9:05am. The overly enthusiastic woman at the door asked if I drove or walked here from a nearby neighborhood. I told her I lived in a nearby neighborhood but that I drove, because walking is for liberals. She then said, “Oh, well sorry we had to have everyone come inside today. Our drive thru didn’t pass inspection.” (Note to Chick-fil-A’s legal team: It’s not libel if it’s true.)

“Oh that’s not a problem, I’m sure you’re just getting the road spikes installed for when an OTB car tries to go through the ITB lane. I understand,” I replied.

She looked at me strangely and said, “It’s ok though! We’ll just let the campers set up their tents there next week! It should be a great turnout!”

“Campers?” I asked.

“Yeah! The first 100 customers get free Chick-fil-A every week for a whole year! We do this at grand openings, it always draws a huge crowd! We’ve got plenty of room in the oversized drive thru lane for all the tents!” she said.

“Free? A huge crowd? Taking up room in the ITB drive thru lane? This is unacceptable,” I replied.

“What do you keep saying ‘ITB’? What is that?” she asked.

I had to ignore that question and go right into warning her about this huge mistake. “You realize you don’t need to be doing this, right? You’re in Cameron Village. You have a built in market worth at least a trillion dollars, literally a trillion. Please tell me that the prices here are at least triple that of a normal Chick-fil-A so that people from Cary can’t afford to eat here,” I pleaded.

She just looked at me strangely and then continued to greet other customers. I couldn’t handle this any longer. I walked in, ordered my food, found a private table and ate as quickly as possible. The food was better than anything I’ve ever eaten (including The Angus Barn), but I couldn’t concentrate on that. I left and immediately called Dad to see what he could do about the impending campout.

Me: Dad, I just got back from the private event at Chick-fil-A……

Dad: Private? I thought all the employees of the stores in Cameron Village were invited, as well as people from the surrounding neighborhoods, and basically anyone that was in Cameron Village at 9:00 am this morning….

Me: Well, they let me go in first.

Dad: No they didn’t.

Me: Whatever.

Dad: So how was it?

Me: The food was amazing. For some reason the combo meals haven’t been named after ITB landmarks yet, but maybe they’re just unveiling that when it opens….sorry, back to the real serious problem at hand. They’re letting people camp out next week for the opening. But even worse, they’re rewarding this behavior with coupons for free Chick-fil-A! They’re promoting a welfare state in Cameron Village! Do you realize how many commoners line up and camp out whenever the word “free” or “coupon” is involved? Can you stop this? Can I call your friends that own Cameron Village?

Dad: I swear to God, if you call my friends to complain about something ridiculous again, I’m cutting you off financially.

Me: But Dad…
Me: Dad?

So since Dad didn’t do anything to stop this, the lines began to form Wednesday morning.

This isn’t Occupy Cameron Village. Just poor people camping for coupons.

By Wednesday night, there were more people at the ITB Chick-fil-A campout than there were at the last Felson’s block party and there was nothing I could do to stop them. I’m disappointed that Chick-fil-A allowed this to happen, but I can’t let this get in the way of how important this day is to ITB residents. Let’s just hope that 12 months from now we look back on this and laugh because all the people that waited in line in the rain for over 24 hours will have run out of their 52 coupons.

Note: A majority, if not all, of the things I just said about the ITB Chick-fil-A may not be true. Sorry for partyin’.