ITB ALERT: We are currently in a beltline of emergency. Please let me explain before you do anything drastic.
I had a panic attack yesterday when The Point went public about their lease running out and them having to move. Insiders have known about this for over three months, we just hoped it would solve itself quietly. Yesterday afternoon, this message was posted:
We would have preferred that this didn’t get out to the general public. Remember when Felson’s tried to get people to sign affidavits about a “bad smell” then they went out of business? People assume affidavits are a bad sign. Any of us would gladly sign a legal document stating that every time we go to The Point we also go to the surrounding businesses. Every Saturday we drive up and down Fairview to burn all of our gas, then we fill up our SUVs at the Five Points BP before going to the Rialto to watch 10 movies, then to Churchill’s for Jello shots, then to Rite Aid for cigs and Adderall, then to The Point to get blackout. On Sunday morning we go to Rite Aid to buy the breakfast of champions (a pregnancy test, the morning after pill, and Gatorade) then we go to The Point to pick up our credit cards. But those affidavits aren’t necessary, and it only makes the commoners happy when they see what appears to be blood in the water.
No matter what the truth is, some idiot hipster at Busy Bee will sit back and sneer, “Hah! Those ITB kids are screwed. I’ve hated that area ever since they judged me for showing up wearing TOMS and a non-name brand polo. Since when is IZOD “gay”?! Serves those bastards right.” Then some gossip whore will say, “I heard that The Point is going bankrupt and that’s why they’re closing.” Finally, some inbred from somewhere South of ITB will say, “Wut tha fuk? Is them kids from that Point bar gon make da line at da Arkitect lawnger?!?” I’m here to set the record straight and stop this gossip wildfire before it starts.
The Point is not closing.
The Point is not bankrupt.
The owner of the building may or may not be a terrorist, but I won’t say either way because I will get sued/killed. There is a possibility that our parents have been funding terrorism by paying our bar tabs at The Point for the last 10 years. (I’ll explain more later)
The building has reached a state of disrepair that the owner can not afford to fix.
Broken front door of The Point. This is why we can’t have nice things.
Therefore, The Point must find a new location to overserve us. As you read earlier, the new location is possibly Audio Buys, which is only a few feet away. If this doesn’t work out there’s another location that I can’t divulge right now, but it’s very ITB.
Forrest pointed out that this may be a blessing in disguise. This move will allow The Point to address some critical infrastructure problems. He sent me the following when we were discussing this a few weeks ago;
“Everyday I think about leaving my current way of life so I can really start to settle down in a meaningful relationship. However, I always think, “What if they opened another Nellies?” (he’s referring to Felson’s) That would essentially open a gold mine of epic and legendary nights with more talent than I know what to do with, coupled with a secluded dance floor to initiate the debauchery.
This is our chance to finally bring it back. The Point has always had the talent, but the bar is honestly the worst setup in the history of architectural design. Too much light, a divider in the middle of the bar, shitty dancefloor, and a bar which is really too small. It has no where to go but up (that’s what she said)*.
Also, being able to stumble home from REDACTED ITB location is another added bonus. This being said, it is possibly the second coming for all things hammered. First round of jager bombs are on me when it opens.”
*Note his “that’s what she said” joke, circa 2008. That’s why I don’t let him write the blog posts.
Forrest is right. We have gone without these essential bar elements for far too long. This is our chance to get them back. To accomplish this, I’m getting some friends to invest in an “ITB Bar Reconstruction Fund”. I’d normally ask Dad to just write me a check, but he isn’t happy with me right now. Long story short, that Winnebago that I got towed last month sort of ended up in a harassment lawsuit that he had to pay for. This fund will allow my friends and I to leverage our trust funds and make The Point improve the bar atmosphere no matter where they end up moving.
Bar Reconstruction Fund Options
Let The Point move into the Audio Buys building, but be sure we’re on the committee to design the new bar that includes our wish list. We destroy the old building and make it a huge parking lot that we can tailgate in when our football teams are playing away games.
We buy the building from the owner (possible terrorist) and keep The Point where it is. We’ll make the necessary renovations, then we’ll turn Audio Buys into a second bar, called “Top of the Point” so that we can have a place to pregame before we go to The Point.
Let The Point move into an undisclosed location which I can promise is closer to Cameron Village, and easier to stumble home to if you live in Bishops Park. This isn’t as ideal for people who live in Five Points. But hey, times are tough.
No matter where it ends up, The Point will be in a space that’s ready to accommodate more of the same exact identical debauchery, week after week, year after year, decade after decade. It would have been nice if the move wasn’t made public, and we could just show up at the new location like nothing had happened. This isn’t the end of anything. We will prevail.