In a surprising turn of events, The Rock has decided to give up his acting, producing, and wrestling career in order to return to college, and play football. The news came as The Rock sent a congratulatory tweet to his friend and former college roommate, Kevin Patrick, for being named the new defensive line coach at NC State. NC State’s Twitter account followed up by inviting The Rock to come cheer for Coach Patrick and the Wolfpack from the sidelines. Once again, NC State blew an opportunity to recruit a high profile prospect like The Rock. Fortunately, The Rock replied that he wanted no part of the sidelines, and that if he were to attend, he’d suit up and play.
Therefore, Dwayne The Rock Johnson is now a member of the NC State football team. If something happens on Twitter, I believe it to be fact until I’m proven otherwise.
This could turn out really well for NC State football. I can already see The Rock playing defensive end, grabbing the quarterback, delivering the Rock Bottom, then running from sideline to sideline before dropping The People’s Elbow, followed by a signature celebration where he removes his helmet to show off The People’s Eyebrow. Of course he’ll get flagged for removing his helmet on the field. He’ll pause, look at the flag, glare at the ref, walk to midfield, pull out a microphone and say:
“Finally…The Rock has come back to college football for the millions AND MILLIONS of fans at NC State. As The People’s Champion it’s been far too long since I’ve been out on this field. So Mr. Ref, please, tell me what exactly this flag is for.”
The referee will start to reply, but before getting a word out The Rock will cut him off.
“IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT THIS FLAG IS FOR! Listen up, jabroni, take this flag, shine it up real nice, and stick it straight up your candy ass. The Rock is the most electrifying man in sports entertainment and doesn’t get flagged. So know your role and shut your mouth before I lay the smackdown, if ya smeeelllllllllllllllaalalaa what The Rock……is cookin’!!!”
This would happen at least once a game, at which point the other team would just forfeit out of fear. NC State could easily win the national title next year with the addition of The Rock to an already impressive defensive line.
If for some reason he doesn’t actually suit up, he’ll hopefully at least do the entrance music for the team. Plus, this will be a great script for a movie. Superstar former football player finds a loophole in the eligibility rules and goes to play for his college roommate, who happens to be the defensive line coach at a struggling program. There will be plenty of old school vs. new school jokes. Maybe The Rock uncovers some sort of scandal while playing a game against UNC or FSU and it turns into a buddy cop comedy, with multiple sequels. If they can make EIGHT Fast and the Furious movies, we can make this happen.
I’m pretty excited about this news, not because I care about NC State football, but because it’s great for my media empire. I tried to interview The Rock on Twitter, but he has yet to reply.
@TheRock I'm on a deadline, so any information you can share would be great. What position are you playing? What number will you wear? etc.
— William N. Finley IV (@WNFIV) February 15, 2017
NC State officials could not be reached for comment, as they were too busy trying to contain an unrelated dumpster fire.
ABC11’s Mark Armstrong broke the news of my news late last night, which makes this even more official.
— Mark Armstrong (@ArmstrongABC11) February 15, 2017
This section is for my Mom and her Garden Club friends who don’t know who The Rock is. Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson played college football for the University of Miami, where he won a national championship in 1991. He then followed in his grandfather and father’s footsteps and became a professional wrestler. Remember, this was the show on Monday night that you didn’t want me to watch when I was 12 years old. In the late 1990s, he gained popularity in the WWF (now WWE) as “The Rock” where he won a ton of totally real championships. Many of his peers describe him as the biggest star in the history of professional wrestling. He successfully crossed over into acting in the early 2000s and has become one of the biggest stars on the planet.