by William Needham Finley IV™

The Rock Is Totally Playing Football For NC State Next Year

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In a surprising turn of events, The Rock has decided to give up his acting, producing, and wrestling career in order to return to college and play football. The news came as The Rock sent a congratulatory tweet to his friend and former college roommate, Kevin Patrick, for being named the new defensive line coach at NC State. NC State’s Twitter account followed up by inviting The Rock to come cheer for Coach Patrick and the Wolfpack from the sidelines. Once again, NC State blew an opportunity to recruit a high profile prospect like The Rock. Fortunately, The Rock replied that he wanted no part of the sidelines, and that if he were to attend, he’d suit up and play.

Therefore, Dwayne The Rock Johnson is now a member of the NC State football team. I can already see The Rock playing defensive end, Rock Bottom-ing opposing quarterbacks and dropping The People’s Elbow on running backs. He’ll obviously get flagged for removing his helmet to show off The People’s Eyebrow. He’ll pause, look at the flag, glare at the ref, walk to midfield, pull out a microphone and say:

“Finally…The Rock has come back to college football for the millions AND MILLIONS of fans at NC State. As The People’s Champion it’s been far too long since I’ve been out on this field. So Mr. Referee, please, tell me what this flag is for.”

The referee will start to reply, but before getting a word out The Rock will cut him off.

“IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT THIS FLAG IS FOR! Listen up, jabroni, take this flag, shine it up real nice, and stick it straight up your candy ass. The Rock is the most electrifying man in sports entertainment and doesn’t get flagged. So know your role and shut your mouth before I lay the smackdown, if ya smeeelllllllllllllllaalalaa what The Rock……is cookin’!!!”

This would happen at least once a game, causing opponents to forfeit out of fear. NC State could easily win the national title next year with the addition of The Rock to an already impressive defensive line.

Additionally, this will be a great script for a movie. Superstar former football player finds a loophole in the eligibility rules and goes to play for his college roommate, who happens to be the defensive line coach at a struggling program. Maybe The Rock uncovers some sort of scandal while playing a game against UNC or FSU and it turns into a buddy cop comedy, with multiple sequels. If they can make EIGHT Fast and the Furious movies, we can make this happen.

I tried to interview The Rock on Twitter for this story, but he has yet to reply.

NC State officials could not be reached for comment, as they were too busy trying to contain an unrelated dumpster fire.

ABC11’s Mark Armstrong broke the news of my news late last night, which makes this even more official.

This section is for my Mom and her Garden Club friends who don’t know who The Rock is. Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson played college football for the University of Miami, where he won a national championship in 1991. He then followed in his grandfather and father’s footsteps and became a professional wrestler. He starred on the show that aired on Monday night that you didn’t want me to watch when I was 12 years old. In the late 1990s, he gained popularity in the WWF (now WWE) as “The Rock” where he won a ton of totally real championships. Many of his peers describe him as the biggest star in the history of professional wrestling. He successfully crossed over into acting in the early 2000s and has become one of the biggest stars on the planet.

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