by William Needham Finley IV™

Welcome to ITBlake Investigates

in Humor/ITB Intern by
Advertisement

A message from WNFIV: I’m thrilled to present ITBlake the intern’s first article for ITB Insider™. In addition to making dank memes and trying to get 1,000 followers on social media, he’ll be working on an investigative series for us.

Hey everyone,

It’s ITBlake here with the first of many weekly investigative articles. You may be thinking, who is ITBlake and what is he going to investigate? Well, I’m the first ever intern at ITB Insider™. Yes, I am a real person. Yes, I am getting class credit as a senior at Broughton for this.

As a small child I began investigative journalism by giving people news they wouldn’t get from the lamestream media and Big Sesame Street. At age 11 I was the youngest person ever to climb and investigate Mt. Everest while wearing American Chubbies. When I was 16 and got my license, I became the second best driver in the world, behind Ricky Bobby. As I finish my last year of high school, it made sense to put my investigative skills to good use at the only media empire worth paying attention to.


Advertisement

What have I been up to?
I have many responsibilities as an ITB Insider™ intern. First and foremost, I’m responsible for making sure everyone’s BLC (Blood LaCroix Content) is at least 12% at all times. I do research on important issues like the big “What’s really in LaCroix?” scandal that rocked the world this week. I’m constantly on call to assist Bonner Gaylord with the weather dome. Despite not having any legal education whatsoever, I’ve been helping Stacy Miller in the trial of the millennium against the Fyre Festival bandits. I’m also required to stay up-to-date on Broughton history and trivia.


Advertisement

What’s going on at Broughton?
I’ll be providing updates on the best high school in the world. Here’s what’s going on this week:
9/15/17 – Broughton vs Rolesville Varsity Football game – 7:00 pm at Broughton. Hurricane financial aid donations will be collected.
9/22/17 – Club Fair – Students get to see what clubs they can sign up for. Speaking of clubs, apparently someone started a LaCroix Club. I’m not sure exactly what the club will do, but WNFIV has already called for an investigation.

an actual flyer at broughton right now

10/6/17 – Homecoming – This year’s theme is “Battle of the Bands” and students are already hard at work building floats for the parade. It sure would be nice if a lovable guitar-playing mascot who went to Broughton were allowed to participate in the festivities…

What comes next?
After my first week of watching Shav highlights, reading the August issue of Vanity Fair multiple times, and listening to The Connells, I’m ready to start investigating the issues that matter.

I’ll cover the obvious topics like Queen of Hearts and prom, but also plan to tackle the hard hitting questions like, “Why are off campus lunch passes $20 when I already paid $170 for a parking pass?” and “Why isn’t there AC on the 2nd and 3rd floor of Broughton right now? How many students have to be mildly uncomfortable until a change is made? How many?!?!” Most importantly, I will help grow the media empire and make sure ITBlake is a name you can rely on and trust.

Want more of ITBlake?
You can follow me on Instagram @itbintern and on Twitter @ITBintern. You can also read more about my first week on the job below. If you have any stories you’d like me to investigate, please email intern@itbinsider.com.

Broughton Intern Passes with Flying Pastel Colors


Advertisement

Latest from Humor

Go to Top