I spent my Valentime’s Day falling in and out of love with a woman named Juliet, for real. I will now share this tragic love story exactly as it happened. For context, Juliet works for Buffer, a company that created an online tool used to schedule social media posts. I pay $10 a month for this service and have used it for almost a year to make running the media empire a little easier.
Everything was working just fine until Tuesday night. Buffer, a company that employs 80 people, wasn’t putting the correct images in my posts. I looked on their site for support and found that they didn’t have a chat option. I was instructed to fill out a form and Tweet at them. So I Tweeted at them.
I spent the next 36 hours chatting with who I thought would become the love of my life. I shared most of the story on social media already, but I’ve decided to turn the saga into a play so that I can add “playwright” to my LinkedIn.
This post pairs well with “Romeo and Juliet” by Dire Straits playing on loop in the background.
We begin our play on the eve of Valentime’s Day. Love is in the air, but one in the house of ITB Insider is forlorn. It appears that house Buffer is not honoring their vow to post the words of William Needham Finley IV to his coveted social media platforms. William is outraged at this injustice. After searching far and wide for a contact page, he turned to Twitter, to express his rage.
The night came and went with no reply. The next morning, Juliet appeared and caught William’s eye.
Could this be love for William on Valentime’s Day? He doth not protest, but replied right away.
Seven minutes passed, which in Twitter-time is almost an entire day. He tweeted once more at his potential bae.
Juliet replied and included a smile. William was smitten, even after waiting a while.
Juliet slideth into to the DMs, and immediately dropped the L-word. William kept it cool, even as his emotions stirred. He began to explain his strife. William went on in great detail, since social media is his life.
Time ticked away as Juliet failed to reply. William thought about eating a Tide Pod, the most lit way to die.
Before eating the Tide Pod, William reached out one more time. If this didn’t work, he’d call Stacy Miller to report this heinous crime.
After putting it all on the table, a reply was received. But this reply came from Daniel, and William felt deceived. In between each message it took Daniel four hours to type. If this were a dating app, to the left William would swipe.
There was no mention of Juliet, where did she go? It was up to William to determine if Daniel was a friend or foe.
Night came, and from Juliet not a peep. William had lost hope and went to sleep. The morning arrived, and with it came Juliet’s replies. William threw the Tide Pods aside, and couldn’t believe his eyes.
Juliet’s message spoke of living in a different time zone. William knew this meant that they would never…..be together romantically.
He checked his Twitter mentions and saw Juliet taking the blame. But he still wasn’t sure if this was just another game.
William knew it was better to Tweet like nobody’s watching, and always love with the upper hand. So he ended things with Juliet and continued binge watching Homeland.
For never was a story of more regret, than this of William Needham Finley IV and Buffer’s Juliet.
I expect someone will erect a golden statue of these screenshots to memorialize this love story forever, just like they did in Romeo and Juliet. I’m going to send this over to Raleigh Little Theatre to see if they’ll let me perform this play. I also need to call my lawyer, Stacy Miller, to see if Juliet and I were together long enough to be common-law married. If you’re interested in the movie rights to this saga, please contact Stacy Miller at Miller Law Group. Thank you.
Oh, and I moved the real Prologue to the end because I figured people would get bored and stop reading. Here it is:
Two Twitter accounts, both alike in dignity,
In the Twitterverse, where we lay our scene,
From a customer support request comes great malignity,
Where civil Tweets make civil DMs unclean,
From forth the fatal DMs of these two foes,
A pair of star-crossed millennials begin and end their romantic life,
Whose misadventured piteous overthrows
Do with their death bury their followers’ strife.
And the continuance of media empire ascension,
Is now the 13 screenshots of our blog post,
The which if you with patient eyes do pay attention,
What here shall miss, our toil shall strive to make the most.
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