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Raleigh is under a state of wine emergency. Sources are reporting a massive shortage of wine after a drastic spike in demand on Thursday night. Wine and global warming experts agree that snow from the Cameron Village Holiday Open House created a panic that caused residents to purchase significantly more wine than normal.
What started as a fun-filled family outing to kick off the holiday season turned into a wine-nightmare. As reports of snow at Village Deli spread throughout the beltline, parents dropped everything to rush to the Cameron Village Harris Teeter to purchase almond milk, cage-free eggs, bread, and as much wine as they could fit into their shopping carts.
“When I heard the word “snow”, I ran out of my barre class and texted the sitter to keep my 2.5 kids for an extra hour. I sped to the store, bought as much wine as I could, loaded up the Suburban, and headed home before the gridlock,” said one ITB mother, decked out in lululemon and chugging a Pamplemousse La Croix from her Swell bottle to rehydrate.
Other mothers dropped their kids off at Parlor Blow Dry Bar to be entertained by Elsa from Frozen before proceeding to raid the Harris Teeter shelves for Chardonnay and Merlot.
Some of the children were even left at Parlor overnight, to be picked up by mothers the following morning after attending their flywheel class.
Unable to take their children to see Elsa, some parents were forced to let their children ride the holiday ferris wheel, located in the parking lot next to the Fresh Market.
“We figured this was safer than taking our kids to the State Fair. We trust York to put on an event that doesn’t put our kids in danger,” said one parent, holding a half-empty bottle of wine.
At first it appeared that Cameron Village was simply attempting to put on a nice holiday event for residents. But after further investigation, it seems that they carefully orchestrated the entire event in order to drive up wine sales. They knew that the mere mention of snow would send residents into a frenzy. And what could be better for business than a bunch of wine drunk parents packing the sidewalks of the upscale speciality retail destination center? We discovered exclusive video evidence of Cameron Village preparing to manipulate the weather, and in broad daylight!
The silver lining in this wine-ageddon is that it’s almost Christmas. If this video doesn’t get you jacked up for the holiday season, I don’t know what will.