William Needham Finley IV™

Tag archive

Raleigh

What Should I Do?

in Uncategorized by
Durhamgetspissed copy

On Tuesday night I made a comment on Twitter that offended a lot of people. I want to apologize for the statement I made, which was a reaction to some positive news about how Raleigh-Durham was on Newsweek’s Top 10 Recession Recovery cities. My comment was, “It’s NOT Raleigh-Durham. It’s just Raleigh. Durham is a poor ghetto.” I’d like to sincerely apologize for this statement. It was totally inappropriate and did not clearly articulate my point.

What I meant to say was, “Durham is a huge ghetto that’s poor as shit and full of crime.” I now realize that my comment, “Durham was a poor ghetto”, may have been interpreted as meaning that Durham was poor at being a ghetto, with the words “poor” and “ghetto” creating a double negative. I should have been much clearer by stating that, “Durham is the greatest ghetto and the best at being poor.” I’m sorry I misled you. A lot of you are upset with me, but at this point, what should I do?

Should I do another parody of the LeBron James commercial?  Yup, here goes…

Should I admit that I’ve made mistakes? No, because my parents have always told me that I don’t make mistakes. If something goes wrong, deny, deny, deny.

Should I remind you that we had to send in an ITB lawyer to save the Duke lacrosse kids from that falsely accusing whore of a stripper…..who was from Durham?

Should I remind you that Raleigh, specifically ITB, never had a recession?

Should I remind you that my grandfather wouldn’t let us stay past half time of the Duke basketball games because Durham isn’t safe after the sun goes down?

Should I just sell boat shoes? Shiny new boat shoes.

Should I tell you, “I am NOT a role model”? No, I am a role model. Kids from Root, Lacy, Daniels, Martin, and Broughton should aspire to be me.

Should I tell you how out of touch with reality I am? How don’t you get that?

Should I get a “It’s NOT Raleigh-Durham.” tatoo?

Should I remind you of how much crime is in Durham? Two shot near Durham convenience store.

Maybe I should just disappear. Don’t hold your breath. With a book coming out and a site redesign in the works, I’m going to be here for a loooong time. Love me or hate me.

Should I stop listening to my friends? They’re my friends, I paid for them. (Note: I tried to explain the Twitter incident to Forrest, but he just replied, “I can’t read Twitter lingo, it’s like ebonics for white people. But yeah, Durham sucks.”

Should I remind you that it’s “Bull Durham” and that no one calls the movie “Bull Raleigh-Durham”? Part of that movie was filmed in Mitch’s tavern on Hillsborough St., but you don’t see ITB residents falling all over themselves to get people to call it “Bull Raleigh-Durham”.

Should I get someone from Durham to teach me how to dougie, teach me, teach me how to dougie? I’m sure someone from Durham knows how to dougie.

Should I try acting? If a spin off of the book happens, I’ll gladly try acting.

Should I answer the people on Twitter who tried to cyber bully me?

Durhamgetspissed copy

Dear Abby – Answer: I’m just an asshole.
DukeHoops blog – Answer: No, it stands for “Inside”, which is a situation you’ve never found yourself in with a member of the opposite sex.
Gregory Ng – Answer: Seriously, buy a vowel for your last name. It’ll make your life a lot easier.

Should I point out how slutty the Duke students are?

Should I make you laugh by telling you about the 14 year old who got hammered and passed out in a Porta Potty at the Duke tailgate last week? Sorry for partyin’. Read through the comments section, I’ve never seen such good English from so many foreigners (Duke students).

Should I read you a soulful poem? I don’t read poetry, that’s for hipsters.

Should we just clear the deck and start over? Yes, let’s please demolish Durham.

What should I do?

Should I be who you want me to be? No, then I’d be a commoner with some fake job related to marketing/advertising/social media/insert Internet related bullshit job here.

End scene.

You people are all the same. You wait for someone to say something “offensive” then you bitch and moan and use your fancy “social media” to tell your thousands of “friends” about how offensive something is. You demand an apology and when you get one (you won’t be getting one from me) you spend fifteen minutes basking in the glory of “standing up for the little guy”. Then you go to Whole Foods for lunch and get right back to looking on the Internet for things that piss you off. If you don’t like what I have to say, don’t read it.

Even more baffling is how much attention this got. If you don’t like what I have to say, don’t retweet it to thousands of people. I’m no accountant (I pay people to do my taxes, I don’t need TurboTax like you commoners) but by my estimates the 15 of you who all retweeted what I said, “Durham is a poor ghetto”, have a total of 19,542 people who follow you. So you reposted my factual statement to all of these people, yet you did nothing to dispute it. Why? Because Durham is a poor city and is also a huge ghetto. The income numbers near the bottom of that page obviously don’t include all the money Durham residents make from selling drugs, since I doubt they’ve been reporting that. So maybe they aren’t as poor as the statistics indicate. “Durham’s property crime levels tend to be higher than North Carolina’s average level. The same data shows violent crime levels in Durham tend to be much higher than North Carolina’s average level.” Here, have some fun with the Durham crime map!

Look, I’m not trying to make fun of Durham (yes I am), I just want there to be a clear distinction between Raleigh and Durham. Sure a lot of these new tech jobs are being created in Durham. But that only means that some northerner with an MBA from the University of Phoenix is driving his 3 Series BMW down to the one decent square mile (its not even that big) of Durham to live and spread his gel head ideology.

If you want to create jobs that will actually help Durham, might I suggest letting some homeless people work as Four Lokos salesmen. They could start out as door to door (more like “street corner to street corner”) salesman and work their way up. This might not work, since they’d probably just drink all of the product before making their first sales call. ITB doesn’t need to create new jobs. We will just continue to get hired by our parent’s friends (even though we’re totally unqualified for the position), ensuring that the middle class disappears even more quickly than economists now predict.

Now that we’ve cleared this up, I will gladly accept your apologies for all the cyber bullying that occurred on Tuesday night. I’m not going to apologize for being right. Deal with it.[hr]

Go to Top