by William Needham Finley IV™

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Hayes Barton Mom Wins James Beard Award For Thanksgiving Dinner

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Mary Allison Marlowe has finally been recognized for her culinary skills after preparing a Thanksgiving dinner unlike any other. The James Beard Foundation presented Marlowe with the “Outstanding Thanksgiving Dinner (12 Seats and Under)” award on Thursday evening.

Marlowe’s award-winning meal featured the following dishes and wines:
Country Ham Rolls
Bacon and Scallion Cheese Biscuits
Deviled Eggs
Butter Whipped Mashed Potatoes
Three Cheese Mac & Cheese
Green Bean Casserole W/ Fried Onions
10 LB. Bone-In Smoked Turkey Breast
Pecan Pie
Chocolate Peanut Butter Cream Pie
Fritz Müller ‘Perlwine’ Müller-Thurgau Trocken 2017 (4 bottles)
Franck Besson ‘Rose Granit’ Sparkling Rosé (4 bottles)
Bodegas Chacra “Barda”- Pinot Noir 2017 (4 bottles)



Judges overlooked the fact that the entire meal was ordered from the Ladyfingers Thanksgiving Menu, and that all of the wine was selected by experts from Seaboard Wine.

“We know she bought the whole meal from Ladyfingers, and we don’t care. We’re just tired of getting Facebook DMs, texts, and calls from her every year for the last sixteen years. We gave her this award so she’d leave us alone,” said an award representative, who asked not to be named.

After composing a lengthy caption for her Instagram post about how thankful she is for the award, Mary Allison Marlowe sat back to enjoy a bottle of rosé as she waited for the likes to roll in.


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The latest issue of ITB Living is out! Our team of experts came up with the definitive guide to having the best Thanksgiving ever. Get your copy today by simply reading this post! This edition of Raleigh's premiere digital magazine cover includes: The Kids' Table: Rite Of Passage Or Blatant Ageism? • From Side Piece To Side Dish: Introducing Bae To The Fam • Ladyfingers Ham Rolls: The Rolls-Royce Of Rolls • Tip: DON'T Put The Platinum Rimmed China In The Microwave • 12 Steps For Dealing With Drunk Uncles • How To Survive The Drive To Angus Barn Just To Get Cheese And Crackers And Chocolate Chess Pie • The Real Cause Of Your Turkey Coma (It's Liquor) • Seaboard Wine's Picks That Pair Well With Your In-Laws @seaboard_wine Loud Chewers: Why It's Ok To Stab Them With Your Butter Knife • Quiz! Should You Go To Crowley's Even Though It's Closed? (Duh) • Full story on ITBInsider.com

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ITB Living: Thanksgiving ’18 Edition

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Welcome to the third issue of ITB Living. After publishing two groundbreaking digital magazine covers, we’re back with more tips on how to navigate the world of inside the beltline.

In this issue, our team of experts came up with the definitive guide to having the best Thanksgiving ever. Get your copy today by simply following @ITBInsider on Instagram and reading this post!

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The latest issue of ITB Living is out! Our team of experts came up with the definitive guide to having the best Thanksgiving ever. Get your copy today by simply reading this post! This edition of Raleigh's premiere digital magazine cover includes: The Kids' Table: Rite Of Passage Or Blatant Ageism? • From Side Piece To Side Dish: Introducing Bae To The Fam • Ladyfingers Ham Rolls: The Rolls-Royce Of Rolls • Tip: DON'T Put The Platinum Rimmed China In The Microwave • 12 Steps For Dealing With Drunk Uncles • How To Survive The Drive To Angus Barn Just To Get Cheese And Crackers And Chocolate Chess Pie • The Real Cause Of Your Turkey Coma (It's Liquor) • Seaboard Wine's Picks That Pair Well With Your In-Laws @seaboard_wine Loud Chewers: Why It's Ok To Stab Them With Your Butter Knife • Quiz! Should You Go To Crowley's Even Though It's Closed? (Duh) • Full story on ITBInsider.com

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This edition of Raleigh’s premiere digital magazine cover includes:

The Kids’ Table: Rite Of Passage Or Blatant Ageism?

From Side Piece To Side Dish: Introducing Bae To The Fam

Ladyfingers Ham Rolls: The Rolls-Royce Of Rolls



Tip: DON’T Put The Platinum Rimmed China In The Microwave

12 Steps For Dealing With Drunk Uncles

How To Survive The Drive To Angus Barn Just To Get Cheese And Crackers And Chocolate Chess Pie

The Real Cause Of Your Turkey Coma (It’s Liquor)

Seaboard Wine’s Picks That Pair Well With Your In-Laws



Loud Chewers: Why It’s Ok To Stab Them With Your Butter Knife

Quiz! Should You Go To Crowley’s Even Though It’s Closed? (Duh)


Thrilling ‘Making micITBit’ Docuseries Announced


High-Resolution Cover:

About ITB Living

This cutting edge media property addresses the rapidly growing market of people who don’t have time to read magazines. As a carbon negative media company, ITB Insider realizes how bad magazines are for the environment. Think about all those pages and ink piling up in a landfill after not being read in an office waiting room. Magazines are basically the new plastic straws (sorry, sea turtles). Each carefully curated issue of ITB Living is posted to the @ITBInsider Instagram account and paired with a blog post on ITBInsider.com. We’re in discussions to launch a podcast as well.

Past Issues:

The Debut of ITB Living

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Welcome to the debut issue of ITB Living, the world's first digital magazine cover publication. Our inaugural cover has everything you need to prepare for another glorious Deb Ball weekend. Including: The Science Behind Why Raleigh Has The Most Debs Every Year • How This Is SO Like An Episode Of The Crown • Hot (But Still Classy) Dresses Under $25,000 • What Your Deb Stool Monogram Font Says About You • Quiz: Will Your Escort Be Your First Husband? Spoiler: Nope • Tips On Surviving A Pellet Gun Wound The Night Before The Deb Ball • Best Mini Bottle Hiding Spots At CCC • Eggshell, Cream, Ivory: Picking The White Gloves • Playlists For The Tweener • Which Dress To Wear If Your Body Type Is Pear, Hourglass, Or Pizza (this headline was written by a former deb, so no, we aren't pizza shaming) • How To Not Throw Up At The Morning Dance • Full story on ITBinsider.com

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ITB Living: Halloween ’18

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Our newest ITB Living cover has everything you need to survive Halloween, whether you're roaming the streets of Country Club Hills with a liquor drink in a YETI tumbler or pulling a toddler in a Radio Flyer wagon through the alleys of Cameron Park. Including: Science: Egyptian Cotton Pillowcases Hold The Most Candy • Quiz: Which neighborhood gives out the best candy? Spoiler: It's Country Club Hills • The Best Trick-or-Treating Wines From @seaboard_wine • Pumpkin Carving Monograms Guaranteed to Get 100+ Likes • Costumes That Won't Offend Anyone (JK, That's Impossible In 2018) • Tiny Pumpkins: How many is too many? #porchgoals • Trunk-or-Treating: Are we really doing this now? • Don't stress about eating all your child's Halloween candy. #candycarbsdon'tcount • Full story on ITBinsider.com.

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ITB Living: Halloween ’18 Edition

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Buy an ITB pie from Share the Pie this Thanksgiving, and support the mission of building stronger families through access to employment and healthcare.  


Welcome to the second issue of ITB Living, the world’s first digital magazine cover publication. After an incredible launch in September, we’re back with more tips on how to navigate the world of inside the beltline.

You’ll notice some drastic changes in this second issue. We have expanded the magazine cover size based on the overwhelming response to the first issue. The cover is now 25% percent larger. That’s even bigger than the difference between a Yukon Denali and a Yukon Denali XL from Thompson Buick GMC Cadillac (#hiMark).

Our newest cover has everything you need to survive Halloween, whether you’re roaming the streets of Country Club Hills with a liquor drink in a YETI tumbler or pulling a toddler in a Radio Flyer wagon through the alleys of Cameron Park.

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Our newest ITB Living cover has everything you need to survive Halloween, whether you're roaming the streets of Country Club Hills with a liquor drink in a YETI tumbler or pulling a toddler in a Radio Flyer wagon through the alleys of Cameron Park. Including: Science: Egyptian Cotton Pillowcases Hold The Most Candy • Quiz: Which neighborhood gives out the best candy? Spoiler: It's Country Club Hills • The Best Trick-or-Treating Wines From @seaboard_wine • Pumpkin Carving Monograms Guaranteed to Get 100+ Likes • Costumes That Won't Offend Anyone (JK, That's Impossible In 2018) • Tiny Pumpkins: How many is too many? #porchgoals • Trunk-or-Treating: Are we really doing this now? • Don't stress about eating all your child's Halloween candy. #candycarbsdon'tcount • Full story on ITBinsider.com.

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Including:

Science: Egyptian Cotton Pillowcases Hold The Most Candy

Quiz: Which neighborhood gives out the best candy? Spoiler: It’s Country Club Hills

The Best Trick-or-Treating Wines From Seaboard Wine at High Park



Pumpkin Carving Monograms Guaranteed to Get 100+ Likes (Related: Outdo Your Neighbors With These ITB Halloween Pumpkins)

Costumes That Won’t Offend Anyone (JK, That’s Impossible In 2018)

Tiny Pumpkins: How many is too many? #porchgoals



Trunk-or-Treating: Are we really doing this now?

Don’t stress about eating all your child’s Halloween candy. #candycarbsdon’tcount



High-Resolution Cover:

About ITB Living

This cutting edge media property addresses the rapidly growing market of people who don’t have time to read magazines. As a carbon negative media company, ITB Insider realizes how bad magazines are for the environment. Think about all those pages and ink piling up in a landfill after not being read in an office waiting room. Magazines are basically the new plastic straws (sorry, sea turtles). Each carefully curated issue of ITB Living is posted to the @ITBInsider Instagram account and paired with a blog post on ITBInsider.com. We’re in discussions to launch a podcast as well.

Past Issues:

The Debut of ITB Living

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Welcome to the debut issue of ITB Living, the world's first digital magazine cover publication. Our inaugural cover has everything you need to prepare for another glorious Deb Ball weekend. Including: The Science Behind Why Raleigh Has The Most Debs Every Year • How This Is SO Like An Episode Of The Crown • Hot (But Still Classy) Dresses Under $25,000 • What Your Deb Stool Monogram Font Says About You • Quiz: Will Your Escort Be Your First Husband? Spoiler: Nope • Tips On Surviving A Pellet Gun Wound The Night Before The Deb Ball • Best Mini Bottle Hiding Spots At CCC • Eggshell, Cream, Ivory: Picking The White Gloves • Playlists For The Tweener • Which Dress To Wear If Your Body Type Is Pear, Hourglass, Or Pizza (this headline was written by a former deb, so no, we aren't pizza shaming) • How To Not Throw Up At The Morning Dance • Full story on ITBinsider.com

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Thrilling ‘Making micITBit’ Docuseries Announced


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Thrilling ‘Making micITBit’ Docuseries Announced

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The following series is presented by Express Yourself Paint, the highest rated interior painting contractor on Angie’s List in the Triangle. Get a FREE painting estimate by calling today (919-666-3952) or schedule online at www.NCpaintingProcess.com.

Update: Are people really making millions by flipping Lilly Pulitzer dresses on Facebook groups?

Update: The second trailer for the riveting docuseries has been released.

It’s finally happening. A documentary series about the fascinating world of micITBit, a secret buy/sell Facebook group in Raleigh, is set to debut this winter.

In Making micITBit, documentary filmmakers follow the money and uncover the truth, leaving no monogrammed doormat unturned. No topic is off limits, from porch pickups (PPUs) to the underground smock market, and much more.

Last week, the official trailer for the series debuted on ITB Insider’s Facebook page and on the recently re-launched Instagram account (@ITBInsider).

Critics are already raving about the project, leaving comments like,

“I’d go ahead and book travel to Sundance.”

“The struggle of a $7 pickup and only having a $10 is real.”

“It should be called MicITB Whipped.”

The series has already been submitted to the major film festivals.

Like any hotly anticipated project in Raleighwood, a few of the episode titles have already leaked (Stranger’s Things, The Smock Market, This Is micITBit). More information on the series is expected to be announced in the coming weeks.

Businesses interested in advertising opportunities should e-mail business@itbinsider.com for more information.

About micITBit

micITBit is a secret and private Facebook group used by over 8,800 Raleigh residents (with 700+ on the waiting list) to buy and sell smocked baby clothes, furniture, Lilly dresses, and other items. It’s like if Craigslist and Facebook had a baby, then enrolled the baby in a private school.



The majority of micITBit transactions are “porch pickups” (PPU). The seller leaves the item on their front porch and the buyer leaves cash under the doormat when picking the item up. At any given time, there is an estimated $4 million in small bills sitting under the doormats of Raleigh homes.



La Croix Wine and Design Class Sells Out In Seconds

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La Croix themed Wine & Design classes sold out within seconds of being announced this week. As the name implies, participants in the class pay $35 to paint a picture of a can of La Croix, the popular sparkling flavored water that everyone is cripplingly addicted to.

The first step is admitting you have a problem. @lacroixwater

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Before offering the class to the public, Wine & Design held a test run to work out any kinks. They invited some of their most loyal customers to explore their inner Monet while painting pictures identical to everyone else in the class.


The first issue arose when guests were tasked with choosing which flavor of La Croix to paint, which caused quite a rift.

“The rehearsal gave us some important customer feedback. We should’ve known that people would want to paint Pamplemousse instead of the other flavors. When Mary Helen threatened to “cut someone” in support of Coconut we decided to add classes for smaller groups of sociopaths who enjoy Coconut. We just want everyone to look happy when they’re all holding identical paintings and posing for the group picture,” said a Wine & Design representative.

In addition to offering more flavor options, Wine & Design will cater the class with wine and special La Croix cocktails. For an additional $200, guests can order a La Croix cake and cupcakes from Hayes Barton Cafe, inspired by the cake recently offered by a Whole Foods in hipster Williamsburg.

La Croix cake 2Photo by Scott Heins/Gothamist


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A secondary market has already emerged for tickets to the classes. Some are being sold for up to $500 on private Facebook groups such as micITBit.

“I bought 50 tickets as soon as my mom told me she went to the rehearsal class. I knew people would eat this up. It’s like the next Holiday Express. It’s perfect for a Deb luncheon, a girls night out, bachelorette parties, and gossip club.” said an unnamed futures trader.

Additional classes were added through the year 2020, but they sold out within 10 minutes.

Is La Croix Bad For Your Teeth? ITBlake Investigates

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The Debut of ITB Living

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Welcome to the debut issue of ITB Living, the world’s first digital magazine cover publication. This cutting edge media property addresses the rapidly growing market of people who don’t have time to read magazines. Not to mention the fact that magazines are incredibly bad for the environment. Think about all those pages and ink piling up in a landfill after not being read in an office waiting room. Magazines are basically the new plastic straws (sorry, sea turtles).

We’re ecstatic to be the first entrant in this market that we invented. We’ll have monthly issues, special editions, pop-up issues, and more. Each carefully curated issue will be posted to the @ITBInsider Instagram account and will be paired with a blog post on ITBInsider.com. We’re in discussions to launch a podcast as well.



There is no better time to debut ITB Living than the weekend of the Deb Ball. Just like our beloved debutantes, this first edition was conceived by a group of former debs and escorts.

Without further ado, we proudly present the Deb Ball ’18 edition of ITB Living:

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Welcome to the debut issue of ITB Living, the world's first digital magazine cover publication. Our inaugural cover has everything you need to prepare for another glorious Deb Ball weekend. Including: The Science Behind Why Raleigh Has The Most Debs Every Year • How This Is SO Like An Episode Of The Crown • Hot (But Still Classy) Dresses Under $25,000 • What Your Deb Stool Monogram Font Says About You • Quiz: Will Your Escort Be Your First Husband? Spoiler: Nope • Tips On Surviving A Pellet Gun Wound The Night Before The Deb Ball • Best Mini Bottle Hiding Spots At CCC • Eggshell, Cream, Ivory: Picking The White Gloves • Playlists For The Tweener • Which Dress To Wear If Your Body Type Is Pear, Hourglass, Or Pizza (this headline was written by a former deb, so no, we aren't pizza shaming) • How To Not Throw Up At The Morning Dance • Full story on ITBinsider.com

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Our inaugural cover has everything you need to have an ITBlessed Deb Ball weekend. Be sure to tag @ITBInsider in your pics, now that you’re allowed to post about it.



High-Resolution Cover:



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Back To School Essentials Remain Unchanged For 8th Straight Decade

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Welcome to the definitive guide to starting another school year with your best boat shoe forward. The last thing you need as a parent is for little Davis III or Mary Anna to come home crying after the first day of school because they wore the wrong article of clothing or had a store brand snack in their lunch.

That’s why we’ve created this handy back to school guide that will ensure your children get off to a great start. From North Face to New Balances, these are the ITBasic items that will meet the approval of your peers.


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We’ve taken the time to link all of these products from Amazon so you can shop at home while binge watching Season 2 of Ozark and sipping on our back to school rosé from Seaboard Wine at High Park Village. Click on the product image or the title to purchase these items on Amazon and support the ITB Insider™ media empire, at no extra cost. You’re welcome.

Sperry Top-Siders

Your child may have to attend Cotillion, board a yacht, or go to the beach at a moment’s notice. Always be prepared.

Kid Sperrys

Same as above. Start teaching your children the importance of wearing proper shoes as they navigate the waters of the Pullen Park boats. But not the paddle boats, those require too much work.

Brooks Brothers Polo

A quintessential part of the ITB wardrobe, the Brooks Brothers polo should be worn every day of the week. When not wearing a Brooks Brothers polo, make sure your child is wearing a t-shirt from an acceptable restaurant, such as Sanitary, Beaufort Grocery, Angus Barn, etc.


New Balance 990s


The only shoe you’ll ever need. Your kid is probably begging for some new Under Armour shoe. Remind them that New Balances will never go out of style and will never blow a 3-1 lead in the NBA Finals.



North Face Backpack

A classic for kids of all ages. Name brand? Check. Solid color that goes with anything? Check. Also, the Borealis is unisex so your child can’t be made fun of for having a backpack designed for the opposite sex.

Anything Lilly Pulitzer

On Wednesdays, the kids wear pink.


Matching Outfits

If you aren’t matching with your child on at least the first day of school then you’re doing it wrong.


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Dressing for success is critical for your child’s development, but you can’t stop there. The following items will help your child get through the rest of their school day without getting stuffed into a locker or shunned by the Alpha in their class.

Scout Lunch Bag

The days of bringing your lunch to school in a brown paper bag are over. If your child doesn’t show up to lunch with one of these they might as well eat alone in their locker to avoid the shame you’ve brought upon them.


Lunch Container

You bought the designer lunch bag, but you aren’t going to put your child’s food in a ziplock bag are you? Those things are FULL of BPA, PVC, and phthalates. Save your child’s life by using these lunch containers. The separated compartments are perfect for kids who are predisposed to melting down when their foods touch.

Pirate’s Booty

Pirate’s Booty has rocketed to the top of the snack food charts. Some might say this snack is on the expensive side, but the alternative is sending your kid to school with a bag of Utz cheese balls. Do you really want to be the talk of a thousand group texts before the last SUV has left the after school pick-up line?



Cheddar Bunnies

Annie’s Cheddar Bunnies are basically Goldfish crackers, and you probably can’t go wrong with either. However, Annie’s just seems more ITB because of how much they shove that organic label in your face.

Yeti Tumbler

You can’t send your child to school with a bottle of Deer Park and call it a day anymore. Their drink needs to have ice and that ice needs to stay frozen solid until you pick them up. Fortunately, YETI is the only tumbler with this type of ice preservation technology.

Lilly Planner

We all know you’re going to be the one planning your kid’s schedule, so you might as well look good doing it.

Trapper Keeper

The perfect receptacle for your child’s schoolwork, which you will ultimately be responsible for.

While this guide is far from complete, it should be enough to get you started. Good luck to you and your children on another exciting year of attending ITB schools!


ITB Dad in Doghouse After Ruining Back to School Picture


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Raleigh College Students Break Natural Light and Cook’s Rosé Sales Record

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The Cameron Village Harris Teeter is recovering from a month that saw sales of Natural Light and Cook’s Rosé hit an all-time high. The popular grocery store did over $6 million in sales just from those two products in the month of August. The spike in sales can be traced to the return of area college students.

According to store manager John Clifford, Harris Teeter employees have spent the last few weeks in a continuous loop of checking suspicious out-of-state IDs, restocking shelves with Natural Light and Cook’s Rosé, and retrieving shopping carts that had been left stranded throughout the parking lot.


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“The crowds were large, but nowhere near as large as when local meteorologists incorrectly predict we’ll get 3 inches of snow,” said Clifford, who was glad to see the students return.

Zack Smith, a sophomore at NC State, was glad he could contribute to the record-setting month. “As a 21-year-old, who is 21 years old, it’s good to know we helped set a record. Natural Light is just so versatile. It’s great for flip cup, beer pong, tailgating, playing Fortnite, you name it,” he said, while loading 16 cases of Natural Light into a tan 2006 Tahoe.

Hunter Webster, a fraternity brother of Smith’s, added, “It’s also healthy. It’s like the La Croix of beers.”

Clifford implemented a few changes to make sure the store was prepared to capitalize on the influx of students.



For example, after checking out, students were given the chance to take a picture inside of a cardboard cutout of the Harris Teeter Instagram account with a caption that read, “Back to school shopping fam! HT so lit rn! #backtoschool #ht #cvht” An employee also handed out “We did it!” stickers to each shopper.

Clifford said that heaping praise on students for simply purchasing groceries was part of a customer retention strategy. “With all these food delivery companies popping up every week we realize it’s hard for these students to actually go shopping. We wanted to reward them and make their trip more of an experience.”


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The strategy seemed to win over at least a few students. “I like that they made me feel like I accomplished something by going to the store on my own,” said Allison Morris, a junior at Meredith. Morris added that she “fell in love” with rosé during her summer session abroad in France.


With the record-setting month coming to a close, Clifford’s focus must now shift. “We’re excited about the record and we love having the students back. We made it through the first wave without any employees going on strike. Now we’re getting ready for Pumpkin Spice season, which starts tomorrow.”

The Best Back to School Rosé

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ITB Dad in Doghouse After Ruining Back to School Picture

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ITB Family Nearly Torn Apart Over School Photo

A Hayes Barton family was almost torn apart after a disastrous first day of school. Grace Anne Stewart, a mother of two, came close to filing for divorce after her husband, Charles Stewart, failed to follow her simple instructions for taking a back to school photo of their children.

Grace Anne had gone out of town to be with her sister who was giving birth, one of the only reasons a mother would miss a back to school photo shoot of her kids. She laid out specific instructions and sent Charles a reminder text early Monday morning.

Charles woke up, read the text, remembered about half of it, and began his day. He tried putting the kids into the outfits his wife had chosen, but gave up after mild tantrums ensued. He bribed the children with extra iPad time to get them to write their names on the chalkboard and then quickly took the pictures.

As the kids got in the car for the .3 mile trek to school, Charles got on a conference call with his commercial real estate colleagues. It was time to analyze their recent Fantasy Football draft. Charles got caught up in discussing who should start at his flex spot and forgot to send the pictures to his wife.



He dropped the kids off at school, assuming he’d won Father of the Year for getting them there on time. By 9:00 am, Grace Anne knew something was wrong. She texted her husband.

Grace Anne: Charles! Where are the pictures?!

Charles: Sorry, got caught up on a work call. It was important.

Grace Anne: It’s 9:05 am. Our picture won’t be seen by as many people if we don’t post it right now. We need at least 100 likes this year.

Charles sent the pictures at 9:06 am, which is the exact moment his marriage nearly came to an end.

Grace Anne: CHARLES!!!!

Charles: Don’t the kids look cute?

Grace Anne: The chalkboard, Charles. The fucking chalkboard.

Charles: I put the chalkboard out!
Grace Anne: Yeah, you did, but those grades are from LAST YEAR. David had a huge growth spurt this summer. He doesn’t look like he’s going into the 4th grade, unless he’s the Hodor of Root. He’s a damn giant.

Charles: It’s not my fault the kids don’t know what grade they’re going into. There are literally 1 million pictures of kids going back to school today on social media. No one actually reads the chalkboards.

Grace Anne: Well three of my group texts noticed immediately. And I told you to put him in seersucker shorts and a Brooks Brothers polo from the ITBack to School Must Haves guide. Why is he wearing a Golden State Warriors t-shirt and basketball shorts?! This isn’t a Jaycee basketball game!!!


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Charles: I’ll fix it.

Grace Anne: How?! Now we don’t have a first day of school picture to post next to our last day of school picture at the end of the year! Do you want this to be your second divorce before you’re 35? We are done. DONE!

Charles knew nothing good could come from replying to an all caps “done” text message. Thinking he could salvage the picture, and hoping to avoid another costly divorce, Charles cancelled his scheduled 3 hour coffee meeting at Third Place, hopped in his Yukon, and sped towards Root.

He pulled the kids out of class, did 95 down Glenwood, and arrived at home. He frantically made the kids change clothes and pose for another picture in front of the chalkboard, now updated with the correct grades. He took a dozen pictures and sent them to his wife by 10:00 am.

Grace Anne: These are fine. But if this doesn’t get 100 likes so help me God…

As of 6:00 pm the picture had only received 87 likes.


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The Best Back to School Rosé

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Rosé. You know it. You love it. You live for it. With help from our friends at Seaboard Wine at High Park, we’ve come up with a selection of rosé to help you transition from summer to the first week of school. We’ve also included actual wine knowledge that you can casually drop at your next dinner party so you’ll sound like a Southern Belle sommelier. Remember, drink responsibly.

Seaboard Wine at High Park has a more in-depth list of rosé selections on their website. Sign up for their e-mail newsletter (near the bottom of the page) to stay up to date on events, tastings, and all things wine.



Domaine Houchart ‘Sainte Victoire’ Rosé 2017; Côtes de Provence, France ($17.99)

The pool doesn’t close for a few more weeks. There’s still time to grab a bottle or five and relax while you let the lifeguards watch your kids (it is literally their job). This rosé is an annual favorite from the Quiot family. A blend of Grenache, Syrah, Cinsault, and Mourvèdre, this light pink classic style Provence Rosé shows notably more depth and complexity than the usual French Rosé. Beautifully balanced strawberry, white peach, and mineral notes will pair nicely with firm cheeses, quiche, and steamed shellfish. I’m sure it pairs well with mozzarella stix from the pool bar as well.

Mittelbach “T” Zweigelt Rosé 2017, Lower Austria ($14.99)

Your toddler is now a big kid and heading off to their first day of kindergarten. You. can. not. even. You’ll need at least three bottles of this rosé to get through this emotional rollercoaster. The 2017 vintage shows brilliant neon pink color with fresh cherry, lavender, and rose petal aromas. Dry, yet juicy crushed red berry fruit on the palate, balanced with fresh acidity and just a peek of spice on the crisp lively finish. Great with picnic foods, salads, mild cheeses or fish dishes, as well as taking a picture of your child standing on the front porch in front of a chalk board with their name on it.

Sierra Cantabria Rosé 2017; Rioja, Spain ($12.99)

Perfect for book club. You’ve read the book, sort of. You’ve pretended to identify with the characters and themes. Now it’s time to humble brag about your three-week trip to Italy and gossip about how the neighbors can afford that new addition on their house. This “Rosé” is made in the Clairette style, where fermentation occurs with the grape skins rather than removing them. While Rosés are usually all red grapes, Clairettes have a large percentage of white grapes. In this case, Viura, Garnacha, and Tempranillo make a Rosé with aromas of red berries and a hint of anise with a persistent finish. Delicious with cheese and charcuterie or steamed shellfish.



Pullus Spritzar Rosé 2017, 250ml cans; Ptuj, Slovenia ($17.99/4 pk)

This rosé comes in a pack of four, which makes it perfect for Target shopping, attending youth sporting events, school plays, and other on the go activities. This rosé is produced from grafts of the oldest grape vine in the world. The varietal Žametovka is 400 years old and is grown in Maribor, Slovenia. The grapes used for Spritzar were grafted from this vine in 1990. Loads of strawberry aromatics and flavors and a splash of Slovenian carbonated water make this an all day drinker. (Note: ITB Insider and Seaboard Wine will not be held liable if you get in trouble for bringing these into Target. Please contact Stacy Miller for all legal questions.)


Stobi Rosé 2017; Tikveš, Macedonia ($13.99/750ml bottle or $36.99/3 liter box!)

The in-laws are coming. In a few short weeks, they’ll be in town for a college football game and to tell you how to do things. You’ll need to start pre-gaming before you even start pre-gaming. Fortunately, in central Macedonia, the Mediterranean climate from the south collides with the continental climate from the north, creating an area most remarkable for grape growing and wine production. This blend of 80% Rkatsiteli and 20% Vranec is fresh and floral with strawberry and a touch of pungent grapefruit. It is a refreshing apertif or pair with lighter picnic dishes. It also comes in a handy 3-liter box that fits perfectly in the fridge or your YETI cooler.

Ponte Rosé 2017; Vinho Verde, Portugal ($11.99)

Need a little spritz in your Rosé? You bet your sweet brunch you do. Aromas of watermelon and raspberry pop out of the glass in this lovely, effervescent Vinho Verde. The flavors are balanced by high acidity, a juicy finish and a slight fizz, this is the ultimate thirst quencher to beat the heat at the soccer game or little league tournament. This can easily be paired with a salty pimento cheese dip or crispy fried chicken.

This article was co-written with our partner, Seaboard Wine at High Park.


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Is La Croix Bad For Your Teeth? ITBlake Investigates

in Humor/ITB Intern/Sponsored by


ITBlake the intern visited Downtown Dental, one of our sponsors and the only ITB approved dentist, to ask some hard-hitting questions about La Croix and Tide Pods. Dr. Brett Wells was nice enough to take the time to answer. This is the peak of journalism.

Things ITBlake learned:

Drink 2 and 1/3 cans of La Croix per day

La Croix is not mouthwash

Tide Pods are incredibly abrasive and will probably kill you

Do not take your teeth out and wash them with Tide Pods

ITBlake also refilled the Downtown Dental La Croix refrigerator, because that’s one of his responsibilities here at ITB Insider™.

Overall, it was a very educational experience for ITBlake. He is now considering a career in dentistry. We’ll have more from his visit in a few weeks.

As ITBlake said, check out Downtown Dental for the tooth experience of your life. They’re located in downtown Raleigh at 205 Fayetteville Street.

You can follow Downtown Dental on:

Instagram @smilesbydtd

Facebook @DowntownDental

Twitter @DowntownDental2

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ITBlake Learns How To Wash Cars And Be A Penguin Mascot

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ITBlake the intern came to me with a problem. He needed a summer job that would allow him the flexibility to be a famous intern and also play Fortnite (it’s a video game) constantly. I told him that I would help him find a job, despite being overwhelmingly busy with launching a podcast, running a media empire, and trying not to get sued.

We posted an ad and his résumé in the micITBit Facebook group.

We got a lot of great responses but ITBlake didn’t follow up with any of them. So I took it upon myself to find him a job and set up an interview.

I reached out to Scot Wingo, who was named 2018 CEO of the Year by The Triangle Business Journal. Wingo is the CEO of Spiffy, a local company revolutionizing car care. Spiffy’s convenience and eco-friendly process have made them a triangle favorite. With the tap of a phone screen, they bring car washing, detailing, and oil changes to you. Using the Spiffy app, you can quickly schedule an appointment and their professionally trained technicians show up with everything they need to make your car stand out from all the others in the White Memorial pickup line.

Wingo had the perfect job in mind for ITBlake. As you can see from the video, we pivoted from our original strategy of having ITBlake wash cars, and instead focused on leveraging ITBlake wearing a penguin costume while synergistcally standing on the side of (and sometimes in the middle of) a busy road to attract attention.

We generated over 1M impressions that day. To thank ITBlake for his hard work, Spiffy is offering our loyal readers $20 off a full wash or detail, or $10 off oil changes. Just use code “ITB” when checking out. You’re welcome.

ITBehind the scenes footage:

Dads Won’t Stop Fly Fishing In Orvis Parking Lot

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Contribute to the Hurricane Florence recovery efforts:

North Carolina Community Foundation Disaster Relief Fund

NC Hospital Foundation Disaster Relief Fund

Food Bank of Central and Eastern NC

Habitat for Humanity

United Way

Volunteer for a 6 or 12 hour shift with the Red Cross

The Carolina Cavalry

Why cash is better than donations


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A new addition to the Ridgewood shopping center has area fishing enthusiasts flying high. After it was reported in the Development Beat that the new Orvis in Ridgewood had opened, dozens of dads from inside the beltline have flocked to the store’s parking lot. They aren’t just there to check out new gear. These dads are there to fish, or at least practice fishing.

With the flooding of Crabtree Creek becoming more common, combined with Raleigh’s new “pop-up” fishing holes that result from the city’s decaying sewer and water infrastructure, it’s no surprise that fishermen are taking to the streets to practice fly fishing. We spent some time investigating the phenomenon.


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“They come out at all hours of the day, all days of the week,” said one Orvis employee. “It’s like that scene in the movie Field of Dreams. They just start appearing from in between the rows of Tahoes and Yukons in the Whole Foods parking lot.”

An avid fly fisherman, who arrived at 6:00 am carrying his Orvis Battenkill reel in a monogrammed Filson case, shared his excitement over the new sporting goods store. “It’s just nice to get away from the office and come to the great outdoors. There’s no better place to tighten your loops and practice your back cast than a new Orvis parking lot,” said Davis Franklin, a commercial real estate broker.

“Surrounded by the beautiful stone facade and the traffic on the Wade Avenue 500, I can just close my eyes and imagine I’m hooking a bonefish on our annual Bahamas trip,” he added.

To recreate optimal fishing conditions, the store installed a livestream of a live stream. A video of a live stream in the North Carolina mountains is projected onto the side of the building while the soothing sounds of the water can be heard from the Bose surround sound speakers mounted in the parking lot.

The live stream livestream

The live stream livestream has been a huge hit, with many dads returning at night in their North Face Cat’s Meow sleeping bags to simply watch the river. Customers have already requested that a livestream of graduations, childbirths, school plays, and music recitals be played so they won’t have to leave the parking lot.


The lot continued to fill. Two dads wearing ultralight waders and Barbour vests in the 90 degree heat unloaded gear from their Yukons while debating whether to use a 4 weight or a 7 weight when catching bluegill at Lassiter Mill.

Nearby, a father was giving his son a lesson. “So this is called a wind knot. You’re going to get those if you keep tomahawking your cast like that,” he explained, as he placed a metronome on the curb to teach his son proper timing.


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One dad even brought a boat to the parking lot.

“I always try to snag some red drum while tooling around Rich’s inlet,” said Thomas Miller III, attempting to recreate those conditions by sitting in his boat that rested on the asphalt.

Another fisherman chimed in. “You might want to stick to the rivers and the lakes that you’re used to in that drift boat, pal. I was about to bring my Jones Brothers Cape Fisherman out here and work on my double haul. Then my wife said all her friends that shop at Whole Foods might see me and think I was slacking off with their investments,” said Five Points resident and financial planner Vance Craig VI.


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“I’m just glad we’ve got an Orvis in Raleigh now,” added Craig VI, refusing to acknowledge the existence of the Orvis at Triangle Town Center. He went on to name-drop Orvis CEO Perk Perkins. “We’ve been giving Perk a hard time at the hunting camp for not having one of these inside the beltline. I told him I’d personally spend at least six figures a year if he’d just put one somewhere close.”



Craig VI then entered the store to purchase three new rods, a dog jacket, and a shotshell collar with an engraved brass plate for Birdie, his golden retriever puppy.



To keep potential customers in the parking lot longer, Orvis designed a custom OtterBox DryBox YETI container for cell phone storage. Customers can store their phones and be free from distractions as they perfect their casts.

“We want this to be a safe space for our customers while they practice the sport they love. I’m not sure anyone is improving, but they’re buying a lot of gear,” said an Orvis employee.

The store has done over $3 million in sales since opening last month.


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The N&O Praises Intern For Saving Iconic Sign

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A Broughton High School senior is finally being recognized by the media after a year of hard work. The News & Observer, a newspaper located in Raleigh, North Carolina, reported on the incredible story of how ITBlake the intern single-handedly saved a piece of history. Seriously, here is the article that features ITBlake the intern in the newspaper.

Over the last year, ITBlake spent countless hours managing a social media campaign using the hashtag #savethesign. The goal was to draw attention to the N.C. Equipment Co. building’s tractor sign (or is it a bulldozer?) that was in danger of being demolished along with the rest of the building. The campaign generated over 60 million impressions on social media and dominated brunch and dinner party conversations for months.


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ITBlake initially planned on taking legal action. “At first I thought about taking this to the Supreme Court of the world, but Stacy Miller was too busy dealing with Fyre Festival™ lawsuits. And if you can’t have Stacy as your attorney then there’s no point in even trying,” said ITBlake the intern.



In a last-ditch effort, ITBlake handcuffed himself to the sign for weeks, surviving on LaCroix and Rise biscuits alone. His dedication to the cause worked, as developers announced plans to save the sign and incorporate it into the new student housing development being built on the site.


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ITB Insider™ posted the news of ITBlake the intern’s victory on Instagram and Twitter.

The News & Observer’s Josh Shaffer saw the story and began to investigate. ITBlake’s story was so powerful that Shaffer featured it in his article on the history of the sign. Here’s ITBlake the intern’s big newspaper debut.

Once you get through the Kroger and Netflix DVD rental pop-up ads, you’ll see ITBlake featured in the article.

Many Raleigh residents were pleased to see the heartwarming story get the attention it deserved.

“It’s great to see the media covering stories that matter, instead of wasting time on articles about where Amazon will put their headquarters based on some “source”,” said Five Points resident and commercial real estate broker Vance Craig VI.


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“I don’t read the news because of my crippling addiction to micITBit and other buy/sell/trade Facebook groups. But I did see this on Facebook as I scrolled by a Kissy Kissy Dogs Day Out footie that was too small for lil Vance VII and it made me happy,” added Mary Cameron Knoll Craig, who runs an Instagram account featuring images of the best Wine and Design paintings in Raleigh.

As for ITBlake, he reacted to the news of his appearance in the news as any 18 year-old would. With a simple “Omg”.

Omg indeed, ITBlake. Omg indeed.


Baskin-Robbins In Cameron Village Closed And Dunkin Donuts Is To Blame

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Dunkin Donuts Just Ruined Your Childhood

Baskin-Robbins in Cameron Village, an institution to generations of Raleigh residents for over 50 years, is closed. I was sent the picture below on Wednesday afternoon.

I was already exhausted from covering Webb’s victory, debuting ITBlake the intern’s house flipping video, editing the Development Beat, and breaking the news about Apple moving to NC (more on that later).

Still, I pressed on to read the letter written by the owners of the Baskin-Robbins in Cameron Village. A sadness melted over me as I read each sentence.

According to the letter, the parent company of Dunkin Brands (aka Dunkin Donuts) thought the “location and the age of this store can no longer meet the brand standard” and gave the owners the choice to move to a different location. The owners declined and have decided to retire. That’s right, Dunkin Donuts kills jobs.


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The letter ended, “It has been an honor to serve such a loyal group of customers and we will close happily with fond memories,” which is the classiest and most mature way you can handle this situation.

I, however, am anything but mature. I will now destroy any argument in favor of the existence of Dunkin Donuts. First, what “brand standard” does Dunkin Donuts have? What even is Dunkin Donuts? Is it a donut shop or a coffee shop? I’ve never eaten their donuts, but I imagine they taste like rocks or dog food.


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For some reason, their coffee is an obsession for people from the North. Not the good North from Game of Thrones, the North that we roll our eyes at when their former residents, who now live here, try to coffee-splain how good Dunkin is to us. Full disclosure: I have some of their coffee K-cups and they aren’t even that great. I will be lighting those on fire in protest.

To align with their “brand standards” I assume they’ll build these Dunkin Donuts/Baskin-Robbins hybrid stores as stand-alone locations on some busy road instead of a nice upscale retail destination center nestled between some of Raleigh’s oldest neighborhoods and the best high school in the country.


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It’s pretty obvious that Dunkin was just afraid of moving into a location around the corner from Rise Biscuits and Donuts (one of our fine sponsors). Going head to head with Rise is a donut death wish.

I shared the picture of the letter on social media around 4:00 pm on Wednesday (before the “real news” outlets even knew about the story, obvi). By the time I posted this article, the social posts received an outpouring of comments from people remembering fond times they had there.

My own mom used to go there when she was pregnant with me, and look how I turned out. People recalled taking “field trips” there during school. Broughton legend Mary Holt Collins recalled the Broughton girls soccer state championship tradition of running from the track to Baskin-Robbins.

A few more comments (my comments in bold)

Scene of my parents’ first date – (this place literally created life)

Do they not realize the patrons don’t care that the store isn’t the typical chain?

So sad! My kids will be crushed!!!

Dunkin Donuts sucks.

Is anything sacred?

Every birthday cake for my sons special day has come from that store since they could choose their cake. So sad. It’s always busy and that family (not BR/DD) has always worked hard at customer service.

The ice cream is good but the owner is great. A real loss to me and my family.

First blockbuster now this…all our good report card rewards disappearing

I’d like to mourn this loss the only way I know how, by eating an entire mint chocolate chip ice cream cake by myself in a dark room listening to The Connells. But I can’t do that. Not in a “I can’t sit around at a time like this! I’m going to stand up and fight for what’s right!” kind of way. I mean I literally cannot buy a mint chocolate chip ice cream cake anymore.


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Therefore, I am calling on a city-wide boycott of all Dunkin Donuts stores, products, commercials, advertisements, and anything related to the company. If we can’t have Baskin-Robbins in Cameron Village, Dunkin Donuts can’t have our customers in Raleigh. Last night, I put a plan in motion.



This is just a start. I haven’t even talked to my attorney Stacy Miller yet to see if what Dunkin is doing is even legal. If we work together who knows what could happen.


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ITBlake Flips A House

ITBlake Flips A House

in Humor/ITB Intern by
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ITBlake the intern has been working hard over the last year. We’ve seen him complete multiple workout classes, cover the Raleigh Christmas parade, and much more. We’re excited to finally share the results of one of his passion projects. Early on in his internship, ITBlake came to me and said, “The real estate market is booming. I want to learn how to flip houses.” So I arranged for a house to be purchased in Five Points, and told ITBlake to watch as many episodes of HGTV renovation shows as he could.

After watching countless episodes of the hit show Fixer Upper, ITBlake learned how to flip houses. He just finished renovating a 4 bedroom, 2.5 bath, 2,407 square foot home at 404 W Aycock Street. ITBlake spent days working on the project, only taking breaks to walk down to Roanoke Park and play Fortnite on his phone.

We produced our own HGITB episode to show off all his hard work. We also figured this would be a hit with his target demographic, because nothing appeals to ITB moms more than ITBlake and home renovation projects.

As you can see from the first episode of the series, ITBlake thought of everything:

Space for parking multiple Yukon XLs from Thompson Buick GMC Cadillac (Hey Mark)

“Baby in a wall” storage, great for those with new babies who need to get some rest

Quartz countertops – also known as “rock” countertops


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Plenty of room to throw produce to Jimmy as he leaves for school

Stove capable of cooking steaks, pasta, sauces, and more

Everything is designed to be very cute

Harry Potter bathroom

Master bedroom with a clock

Efficient shower for ITBlake and his future wife Emma Watson

Furniture from micITBit- NO POMS

A storage shed with doors that lead into the storage shed

(This is an actual house for sale. Contact John Hawkins with Fonville Morisey for details.)


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Here are some before and after pictures:

ITBlake Goes to Burn Boot Camp (VIDEO)

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ITBlake the intern survived his first Burn Boot Camp West Raleigh workout. I’m sure many of you are wondering why I would force him to stop playing Fortnite and actually do some work by attending this class. Not to get all Cambridge Analytica here, but our analytics have shown that ITBlake #content appeals to females between the ages of 25-44. It just so happens that the majority of Burn Boot Camp members fall into this demographic. ITBlake is an intern of the people, so having him attend a class was a no-brainer. As I told ITBlake in the video, this is his tribe, and you can’t spell tribe without ITB.


Even though we knew there would be a lot of ITBlake fans at the class I wanted to make sure he would be accepted by our target demographic. To be safe, I had him walk into the class with a monogrammed Lands End bag filled with La Croix, Pirate’s Booty, fruit pouches, and Paw Patrol fruit snacks.

As ITBlake worked out, I posted a few clips to my Instagram Story. The response was overwhelming. Below is just a small sample.


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I put a few other projects on hold and spent two days editing the video, which we’ll be submitting to Sundance and The Academy. In just over a week, the video has been viewed over 7,000 times on Facebook, has over 5,700 impressions and 152 likes on Instagram, and 674 views on Twitter (Twitter does not seem to be a big fan of ITBlake workout videos).


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A lot of people saw the video and asked “How did he survive? Does media empire insurance cover loss of interns?” Thankfully, Mary Holt Collins (Broughton legend, and one half of Humdinger Juice) was there to guide him. Shout out to her brother, Colin Fickes, for inventing juice and being a Broughton legend as well. 

Now that ITBlake is in peak physical condition, we’ll focus on finding him a summer job. We’re also in talks to give him his own show. Stay tuned.


Time Warp at the City of Raleigh Museum

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As the state capital, and the most important city in North Carolina, Raleigh has a unique history worth celebrating. If you’re looking for a night on the town where you can celebrate history by reliving the past, then look no further. Raleigh’s hottest party is Time Warp, and it’s coming up on April 21st. This 1970s themed blast from the past is the creation of the City of Raleigh Museum.

Since opening in 1993, the museum has collected and cared for artifacts, curated exhibits, and provided programming related to Raleigh’s history and heritage. Time Warp supports the museum’s mission to “Preserve Raleigh’s Past for the Future.” This party has everything, including:

Beer, wine, an assortment of LaCroix mixers, and a signature cocktail poured by ITBlake the bartender

Hors d’oeuvres and plates from some of your favorite Raleigh restaurants

A dance contest and a costume contest judged by our friends Mayor Nancy McFarlane and Joe Ovies, co-host of the Adam and Joe show on 99.9 FM The Fan

A Trolley Pub piñata filled with Bose noise cancelling headphones so you’ll never hear another WHHHOOOOOOO again

An auction of local art and a silent auction of items from Raleigh’s finest businesses and restaurants

Exhibits of ancient artifacts found in Raleigh, including:

Blueprints for the Weather Dome™

The street light from the DrunkTown ad. This will be available for photo opportunities.

Holy water blessed by the Pope during his visit to Raleigh

Recently discovered dinosaur fossils from Dix Park that will be used as a liquor luge

Plans for the Downtown Canal™

The mimosa glass from the first pre-noon brunch

There will also be an after party at Foster’s, where “Murder On The Dancefloor” will play on repeat.

An after-after party will be held in the Village Subway, where The Connells will perform.

We may have misunderstood some of these details while talking with the museum. Check out the Time Warp event website for accurate event information and tickets. If you’re interested in sponsoring the event, check out the sponsorship opportunities.

What: Time Warp 2018

When: Saturday, April 21, from 7 p.m. to 10 p.m.

Where: City of Raleigh Museum – 220 Fayetteville Street

Patagonia Unveils Seersucker Line

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Raleigh Residents First In Line For Patagonia Seersucker Collection

Patagonia fans had been waiting months for this moment. The famously preppy outdoor brand entered the world of Seersucker on Thursday, just in time for Easter. Patagonia held a secret pop-up shop at Great Outdoor Provision Co. in Cameron Village to debut the new line.

“We wanted a look that would be multifunctional. This line is perfect for folks who will never set foot on a hiking trail, but still want to display the prestige of Patagonia. We also included items that cater to the .06% of our customers who do go outdoors and want to do so in style,” said Rose Marcario, CEO of Patagonia.

The Patagonia Seersucker line consists of the following:

Patagonia Seersucker Suit – $499

Classic seersucker stripes trace a sharp, clean-lined design on this suit. Self-stuffs into chest pocket with carabiner clip-in loop. This luxe layer is perfect for your collection.

Bucks – $100

While these aren’t seersucker, they do pair perfectly with the other items in the collection. Four eye lace-up with a non-marking rubber outsole.

Seersucker Dress (monogramming available) – $329

This structured skater dress is perfect for an Easter service at St. Michael’s or White Memorial. The half sleeves feature an eye-catching flared design, while the upper thigh length hemline maintains a babydoll look.


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Fleece Vest – Men – $99

Classic vest made with midweight Synchilla-sucker polyester fleece. Great for hiking the paved Raleigh Greenway.


Down Vest – Women – $99

This classic Down Sweater-sucker Vest is lightweight and windproof, thanks to the 800-fill-power Traceable Down. The perfect warmth for waiting in your climate controlled SUV in the Root or Lacy pickup lines.


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Down Sleeping Bag – $519

An elegant, real-world bag, built with the best materials available. Performs in all conditions, including summer camp at Sea Gull or Seafarer, and neighborhood sleepovers.

The collection was an immediate hit. A manager at Great Outdoor Provision Co. said that about 200 people were waiting in line for the store to open on Thursday morning. The Patagonia Seersucker items were gone in approximately 16 minutes.

A Five Points couple hired ITBlake the intern to wait in line overnight and hold their spot. “This stuff is going to sell for triple in micITBit,” said Mary Cameron Knoll Craig, referring to the secret closed Facebook buy/sell/trade group with over 9,000 members.

Her husband, Vance Craig VI, added, “Now we can slightly stand out while still wearing the same clothes as everyone in our peer group.”



Administrators at White Memorial Presbyterian Church rejoiced upon hearing the news. “Every Easter we try to break the world record for most Seersucker at a religious service. This clothing line will definitely help,” said an unnamed church official. The current Seersucker world record is held by White Memorial and was set in 2017.

Patagonia has already increased production of the Seersucker line after seeing the success of the pop-up shop.


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My Valentime’s Day With Juliet From Customer Support

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I spent my Valentime’s Day falling in and out of love with a woman named Juliet, for real. I will now share this tragic love story exactly as it happened. For context, Juliet works for Buffer, a company that created an online tool used to schedule social media posts. I pay $10 a month for this service and have used it for almost a year to make running the media empire a little easier.

Everything was working just fine until Tuesday night. Buffer, a company that employs 80 people, wasn’t putting the correct images in my posts. I looked on their site for support and found that they didn’t have a chat option. I was instructed to fill out a form and Tweet at them. So I Tweeted at them.

I spent the next 36 hours chatting with who I thought would become the love of my life. I shared most of the story on social media already, but I’ve decided to turn the saga into a play so that I can add “playwright” to my LinkedIn.


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This post pairs well with “Romeo and Juliet” by Dire Straits playing on loop in the background. 

Act I

Prologue

We begin our play on the eve of Valentime’s Day. Love is in the air, but one in the house of ITB Insider is forlorn. It appears that house Buffer is not honoring their vow to post the words of William Needham Finley IV to his coveted social media platforms. William is outraged at this injustice. After searching far and wide for a contact page, he turned to Twitter, to express his rage.

The night came and went with no reply. The next morning, Juliet appeared and caught William’s eye.

Could this be love for William on Valentime’s Day? He doth not protest, but replied right away.

Seven minutes passed, which in Twitter-time is almost an entire day. He tweeted once more at his potential bae.

Juliet replied and included a smile. William was smitten, even after waiting a while. 


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Act II

Juliet slideth into to the DMs, and immediately dropped the L-word. William kept it cool, even as his emotions stirred. He began to explain his strife. William went on in great detail, since social media is his life.



Time ticked away as Juliet failed to reply. William thought about eating a Tide Pod, the most lit way to die.




Before eating the Tide Pod, William reached out one more time. If this didn’t work, he’d call Stacy Miller to report this heinous crime.

After putting it all on the table, a reply was received. But this reply came from Daniel, and William felt deceived. In between each message it took Daniel four hours to type. If this were a dating app, to the left William would swipe.


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Act III

There was no mention of Juliet, where did she go? It was up to William to determine if Daniel was a friend or foe.


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Night came, and from Juliet not a peep. William had lost hope and went to sleep. The morning arrived, and with it came Juliet’s replies. William threw the Tide Pods aside, and couldn’t believe his eyes.

Juliet’s message spoke of living in a different time zone. William knew this meant that they would never…..be together romantically.

He checked his Twitter mentions and saw Juliet taking the blame. But he still wasn’t sure if this was just another game.

William knew it was better to Tweet like nobody’s watching, and always love with the upper hand. So he ended things with Juliet and continued binge watching Homeland.

For never was a story of more regret, than this of William Needham Finley IV and Buffer’s Juliet.

Exeunt

I expect someone will erect a golden statue of these screenshots to memorialize this love story forever, just like they did in Romeo and Juliet. I’m going to send this over to Raleigh Little Theatre to see if they’ll let me perform this play. I also need to call my lawyer, Stacy Miller, to see if Juliet and I were together long enough to be common-law married. If you’re interested in the movie rights to this saga, please contact Stacy Miller at Miller Law Group. Thank you.

Oh, and I moved the real Prologue to the end because I figured people would get bored and stop reading. Here it is:

Prologue

Two Twitter accounts, both alike in dignity,

In the Twitterverse, where we lay our scene,

From a customer support request comes great malignity,

Where civil Tweets make civil DMs unclean,

From forth the fatal DMs of these two foes,

A pair of star-crossed millennials begin and end their romantic life,

Whose misadventured piteous overthrows

Do with their death bury their followers’ strife.

And the continuance of media empire ascension,

Is now the 13 screenshots of our blog post,

The which if you with patient eyes do pay attention,

What here shall miss, our toil shall strive to make the most.


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Seaboard Wine Chosen As Exclusive Retailer Of ITBlessed Glasses

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In a move that many are calling a “game changer,” Seaboard Wine & Tasting Bar and ITB Insider have leveraged synergies to provide customers with one of the hottest products on the market. The highly coveted ITBlessed wine glasses, part of the Shop ITB home goods line, are now available exclusively at Seaboard Wine for $15 each (or 2 for $25).

Analysts are already praising the move. “It’s absolutely genius. Having the creativity to pair a wine glass with an established company like Seaboard Wine, who sells wine, is brilliant,” said wine and retail analyst Serena van der Woodsen.

After successfully launching a fashion line and home goods line in December, William Needham Finley IV decided it was time to expand into physical locations. “The online store has been great, but I wanted people to experience the craftsmanship of our products in the right environment, while shopping local,” said Finley IV.

The decision was seen as “revolutionary” by industry experts. “The timing aligns perfectly with Valentine’s Day. Having the foresight to know that a holiday is coming up and then to execute something like this is rarely done in the world of retail. You don’t see other media empires making those types of moves,” added Serena van der Woodsen.



The markets reacted positively within minutes of the news breaking.

“With the help of Seaboard Wine, and all of the micITBit members and ITB Insider readers who drink rosé alllll daayyy, we’re expecting at least $6 million in sales in the first week,” said Finley IV.

Located at 802 Semart Drive #118 in Seaboard Station, Seaboard Wine & Tasting Bar has served Raleigh for over 20 years. We’ve partnered with them to bring our readers the ITBest wine and rosé.


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