by William Needham Finley IV™

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Humor - page 4

Raleigh Parents Nearly Riot Over Summer Camp Site Crash

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I received the following Tweet on Monday morning:

“Seriously. If my kids don’t get into Pullen art camp and camp at Jaycee, I will have a rage blackout. #ITBproblems cc @WNFIV”

This is how I found out about a near riot over the City of Raleigh’s Summer Camp sign-up process. Apparently, the City offers summer camps for children from ages 3 to 16 in 36 locations in Raleigh. Parents were told that camp sign-up would be handled through a website that opened at 5:30 am on Monday morning. The website totally failed, crashing repeatedly and causing parents to lash out. Here is a brief sampling of the reaction: (these are real)

“Raleigh Parks and Rec has gone way downhill the last few years. Can’t say I’m surprised once again a major fail by them! I would not recommend them!”

“It was hung up, we HAD to cancel the transaction which logged us off. This is an AWFUL way to book camps!!!!”

“AWFUL. I was almost in tears at 5:50 AM on a Monday morning. My friends and I were in a text freak-out string. What is being done to fix and prevent it in the future? Would love to know.”

Hell hath no fury like an ITB mom “text freak-out string.” I expected the Holderni to do a parody video titled “Website Crashes” based on “Lightning Crashes” by Live.

Website crashes, a new mother cries,

Her Macbook Air falls to the floor…

According to Andy Specht’s coverage, the city processed more than 8,000 summer camp registrations Monday morning, causing the site to crash. I totally understand the backlash. Having to deal with your kids during the summer is any ITB parent’s greatest fear. That’s why most parents send their kids to Camp Sea Gull or Seafarer for as long as they possibly can.

Being a media empire, I viewed this disaster as an opportunity. Why not make my own ITB Insider Summer Camp? I started researching the City of Raleigh site to see what they were offering.

I figured these camps would consist of throwing some kids in a gym all day for dodgeball or maybe some nature walks. I had no idea how much time and effort the City put into these. Below are just a few that I would sign up for if I hadn’t already aged out.

Bricks 4 Kidz – Jurassic Brick World with LEGO® Bricks

Bricks 4 Kidz – LEGO® Bat League: Heroes and Villains!

CSI Forensics – Who done it? Campers will investigate a mock crime scene, finding clues through scavenger hunts, fun activities and discussions. They will use experimentation and forensic technology to explore, gather and analyze evidence to solve the mystery of the week. Campers will participate in a mock trial, acting as lawyers, judge and jury.

Holt Brothers Football Camp – Torry and Terrence Holt, former NC State and NFL football stars, will lead this one-week camp experience for boys AND girls interested in learning about sportsmanship and teamwork.

Where were these camps when I was a kid? I now see why parents had a meltdown over not getting their kids into these camps. Fortunately, those parents are now left without any summer camp options, which means my camp doesn’t have to be THAT great.

At ITB Insider Summer Camp, kids learn valuable life skills through the following activities:

Wash the Suburban, Tahoe, or Yukon – learn teamwork skills as you attempt to wash and detail these Wade Ave 500 road warriors.

Manage a LaCroix stand – not only are the profit margins huge at $5 per can, your little one will learn about supply and demand, managing inventory, sales, and marketing.

Constructing the downtown Raleigh canal – kids love heavy-duty construction equipment. Why not let them use it?  Kids will have access to the finest construction equipment as they begin to dig out the canal.

Excavate Dix Park – Let your child be one of the first to uncover fossilized remains of the dinosaurs that used to roam these lands. (Any dino-DNA discovered during excavation will remain property of ITB Insider™ for future use in genetically engineering actual dinosaurs.)

Pick up my morning Rise biscuits and donuts so I won’t have to deal with the delays from road closures.

I even figured out how to incorporate my sponsors to decrease the cost to campers. Snacks and lunch will be catered by Rise and the SUV pick up and drop off lines will be brought to you by Thompson Buick GMC Cadillac. I’ll also be sure to use Walk West for my registration website so it won’t crash. Also, for just one case of LaCroix a day, you can sponsor a child to attend ITB Insider Summer Camp.

My lawyer Stacy Miller, with Miller Law Group, said this camp violates all sorts of child labor laws, no matter how silly and outdated they are. So I may need to make some changes before we go live with registration.

Next year, I plan to log on early and reserve as many spaces as possible so I can resell them to parents who slept in. Feel free to share your summer camp sign-up experience in the comments.

Mordecai Outraged Over Rumored Buyers of Iconic Property

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Residents Fear Dave & Buster’s and Other Rumored Buyers

Raleigh’s most iconic motor lodge is officially for sale, and Mordecai residents are terrified. Our new investigative reporter, James Borden, brought this story to my attention in his first Development Beat earlier this week. The 19-bedroom, 14-bathroom Gables Motor Lodge property is listed for $1.5 million and is located in the Mordecai neighborhood, right outside of downtown Raleigh. Most importantly, it’s in the Broughton school district. Rumors are already circulating about prospective buyers, including:

La Quinta Inns & Suites, who would continue to operate the facility, but would bring the current 4-star rating down to a 1-star.

Dave & Buster’s, who are looking to expand into the Raleigh market after seeing success in Cary.

Mark Wahlberg, who plans to open a Wahlburgers Food Hall to complement the Wahlburgers restaurant coming to downtown Raleigh.

Big Lots, who plans to to build a “Mini-Big Lots” concept, similar to the new mini-Target coming to Hillsborough Street.

Apple, who is considering moving an iPhone manufacturing facility to North Carolina if HB2 is repealed.

Since my media empire is expanding, I considered buying the property to use as an office. Like any good real estate mogul, I figured I would need to win the residents over. So last night I attended an emergency Mordecai neighborhood meeting to discuss the rumored buyers. The level of outrage ranged from “ugh, the wait at Capital Club 16 brunch is 10 minutes” to “OMG a chain restaurant is coming to Fayetteville Street!”.

“This just doesn’t sit well with me. My chakras feel out of balance,” said Cassandra Winston, a Trustafarian who owns Pastallations, an Etsy store that sells hand-made vegan pasta in the shapes of astrological signs.

“What if they put something modern there?! My cousin dealt with this same problem over in Oakwood, and it did NOT end well,” screamed Jill Wiesner, a Mordecai resident.

“What the hell is a Wahlburger?!? Is this fake news? What would that even pair with?” asked Jason Shaw, a local craft brewer who uses fresh soil instead of hops to create unique flavors of beer at Oak & Walter’s, a new micro-brewery coming to City Market.

While most residents expressed their fears, a few did offer solutions.

“I would approve of an Ashley Christensen restaurant that offered 19 different concepts on mac and cheese, one in each room,” said Jessica Sanders, a food blogger who only reviews mac and cheese dishes across the region.

“I’m a minimalist, so I’d really like to see the space used by designers of local micro-projects that will be consumed by less than 100 people. Once a project gets too popular it loses its integrity and authenticity,” said a resident who only goes by “Fitz” and describes himself as a local nano-influencer with a purposefully small Instagram following of 27 people.

An example of a micro-project by a nano-influencer.

I left the meeting dumbfounded. There was no way I was going to win these people over. I had my development reporter research what I could do with the property if I decided to buy it. Borden informed me that there are no specific protections in place preventing the future owners from tearing down and dividing the lots to build Cary McMansions.

At first we thought that since the Lodge is considered a “contributing resource” in Raleigh’s Mordecai Place Historic District that any changes would have to be approved by the Raleigh Historic Development Commission. OldPrivy on Twitter informed us that Mordecai is a National Register district, not a local historic district. That means that any changes to the property won’t have to be approved by anyone. We’ll be keeping a close eye on who buys the property.

More on the Gables Motor Lodge

From Borden: The two-story, gable-roofed Tudor revival style home was built by William and Ella Johnson as a boarding house/motel to cash in on the tourist traffic from Route 1. Mrs. Johnson ran the place until the 1940s, and eventually sold it to Charlie Griffin in 1965. Known as “Uncle Charlie”, Griffin continued operating the Gables Motor Lodge until he passed away in August of 2016. His great-nephew recently decided to list the property for sale.

Pope Makes Secret Visit to Raleigh

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 The Pope ended his tour of the U.S. with an unannounced trip to Raleigh on Sunday. The visit was kept secret so that ITB residents would not have to deal with masses of unwanted outsiders flocking to see the Pope. The Pope arrived at RDU in the morning and boarded his custom Tahoe Popemobile to begin his tour of Raleigh.


Click here to buy 10 classes for $200 and get TWO classes free. Offer ends 4/14

The Pope arrived at RDU in the morning and boarded his custom Tahoe Popemobile to begin his tour of Raleigh. Crowds cheered as the Pope raced down the Wade Avenue 500 in record setting time on his way to attend church at White Memorial.

Even though the church is Presbyterian, the Pope assured everyone in attendance that they would receive VIP access to heaven over other Raleigh residents. The crowd rejoiced as people threw gold bricks into the offering plates.

Pope on Oberlin
Jesus, take the wheel.

The Pope then led a prayer vigil for the ITB Mother who crashed her car on the steps of Hayes Barton, followed by a communion with water crackers and pumpkin spice lattes. “I know, I know, I shouldn’t be wearing white after Labor Day,” he joked, as he blessed a newborn girl with a double name.

The Pope also visited Gelwood South, where he sighed heavily and quietly muttered things like “this is savage wasteland of debauchery and sin” as he surveyed Still Life and Cornerstone.

He continued on to Fayetteville Street where he blessed the endangered patios and prayed that they would be able to serve others until 2:00 am, as God intended. As he was leaving, a Trolley Pub roared by, startling his security team.

Saving the best for last, the Pope arrived at Broughton High School to deliver a speech and canonize ITB legend Pistol Pete Maravich. Known to be a huge basketball fan, it came as no surprise that the Pope wanted to make Pistol Pete a Saint. As a tribute to the greatest basketball player ever, the Pope recreated the iconic photograph of Pistol Pete that was taken when he attended Broughton.

Pistol Pope
Ball don’t lie.

The Pope then delivered a powerful speech. He spoke highly of inside the beltline, condemned the new apartments being built everywhere, and went on a tirade against Trolley Pubs.

“I very much like your ITB. It reminds me of my home in the Vatican. I visited your Cameron Village today. It is lovely place. But, if you keep building apartments there will be no room for the clothing boutiques that you buy for your children to keep them employed,” the Pope warned. “The fastest way to eternal damnation is on the Trolley Pub. The “WHOOOO-ing” is the sound of the Beast. Do not succumb to this road demon. I pray for those who indulge in this sin on wheels. Bless their heart,” he continued.

The audience cheered at the remarks and delivered a standing ovation. The Pope had one more thing to say, “Praise be to God. ITBless you all.”


ITB Mom Has Public Meltdown on First Day of School

in Five Points/Humor/ITBNN by

On Monday morning @ItsJustRaleigh alerted me of some hard hitting news coverage of an accident in Five Points.


As you can see, someone drove their car up an entire flight of steps in front Hayes Barton Baptist Church. At first I assumed a Brier Creek resident was lost and unable to navigate the 8th traffic circle of hell, also known as Five Points. Then I remembered what Facebook had bombarded me with earlier that morning, it was the first day of school. Clearly this was the work of an ITB mom who had taken ten too many Xanax and was sobbing uncontrollably after dropping her kids off at Root or Lacy. The rivers of tears made it impossible to see her phone as she typed a first day of school hashtag on her Facebook and Instagram posts while driving. #theygrowupsofast

To make matters worse, she got a call from her husband who told her they might have to give up their membership at the Club as a result of the Dow dropping 1,000 points. After having the concept of the stock market explained to her, she became even more distraught at the thought of having to get a part time job at a Cameron Village boutique now that her kids were in school and she no longer had a valid reason to stay at home all day. This was all too overwhelming, causing her to miss the turn on to Whitaker Mill and drive up the steps in front of Hayes Barton Baptist.

Some speculated this was an ITB mom who was upset after finding out about her husband’s Ashley Madison account. Others thought there may have been a secret Lilly sale at North Hills that this person was racing towards.

There’s a slight chance this could have been an ITB mom reading about the plane breakup from Sunday night. Twitter user Kelly Keegan live-tweeted the breakup that she was, like, totes #blessed to witness, obvi. Since this happened on a flight leaving the Raleigh airport, we’ll consider it newsworthy. I’m too lazy to put all the tweets here so if you haven’t heard about it just go read the story on Us Weekly. Kelly went from around 1,500 followers when I first looked on Sunday night, to over 19,000 around 24 hours later. She’ll probably be on the Today Show and Good Morning America by the end of the week, and then the Holderni will do a breakup parody video titled “It’s Not Me, It’s You” set to the tune of “It Takes Two” by Marvin Gaye and Kim Weston. Kelly will get a book deal and an HBO pilot for her reporting. I’ll just sit here and reevaluate my life and try to figure out how to launch a media empire. At least I didn’t drive my car up the steps of Hayes Barton Baptist Church.

Editor’s note: I’m not insinuating that all ITB moms have kids just so they won’t have to get real jobs and that all ITB husbands cheat on their wives. It’s probably more like 60%.

Webb Simpson Wins First U.S. Open for ITB

in Humor/ITBNN/Uncategorized by

Congratulations to ITB’s own Webb Simpson, for winning the 2012 U.S. Open! This isn’t just a victory for an incredible person and player, but also a victory for Raleigh and Broughton. Webb’s U.S. Open victory ranks right above the time he shot a 58 at the Club when he was 17 years old, causing the Club to redesign the whole course. I expect Broughton will have a replica of the trophy made so it can be displayed in Holliday Gym.

As always, Webb represented Raleigh well by wearing a Polo cardigan. Hopefully, Ralph Lauren will give him his own clothing line that will be available in every menswear store in Cameron Village and North Hills.

I don’t want to take all the credit for Webb’s victory, but it DID come on the heels of my recent guest appearance on 99.9 The Fan.

On Monday afternoon, I was asked to go back on 99.9 The Fan to comment on this historic victory and the aftermath.

If for some reason you weren’t watching Webb dominate the final round, I’ve pieced together the timeline from Twitter. One of the best moments occurred when a fan yelled “Broughton” after one of Webb’s shots.

Joe Ovies pointed out the obvious, that attending Broughton is more important than being in a fraternity in college.

Jim Furyk was tied with Webb as he was teeing off on the 16th hole. Furyk’s drive was pretty horrible, most likely due to the fact that he’s sponsored by 5 Hour Energy instead of adderall. That still isn’t as bad as Hunter Mahan being sponsored by Monster energy drink and Under Armour. This isn’t the X-Games, Hunter.

There was concern over potential celebratory mansion fires.

Webb finished his round and watched in the clubhouse as the competition failed to force a playoff. He met up with Bob Costas for the trophy presentation, which included a bizarre interruption, followed by the most ITB quote of the century.

I was certain that someone from Leesville was behind this. It turns out it was just some guy trying to save the rainforests.

It was also pointed out that the trophy presentation should have been crashed by Flash. Webb even agreed with this.

Here are some additional ITB reactions to the victory.

Note: If your tweet is on here and you want it removed, let me know and I’ll make it anonymous.

So congratulations to Raleigh’s Webb Simpson on winning the U.S. Open. We couldn’t have done it without you.

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