by William Needham Finley IV™

ITB Mom Has Public Meltdown on First Day of School

in Five Points/Humor/ITBNN by
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On Monday morning @ItsJustRaleigh alerted me of some hard hitting news coverage of an accident in Five Points.

 

As you can see, someone drove their car up an entire flight of steps in front Hayes Barton Baptist Church. At first I assumed a Brier Creek resident was lost and unable to navigate the 8th traffic circle of hell, also known as Five Points. Then I remembered what Facebook had bombarded me with earlier that morning, it was the first day of school. Clearly this was the work of an ITB mom who had taken ten too many Xanax and was sobbing uncontrollably after dropping her kids off at Root or Lacy. The rivers of tears made it impossible to see her phone as she typed a first day of school hashtag on her Facebook and Instagram posts while driving. #theygrowupsofast

To make matters worse, she got a call from her husband who told her they might have to give up their membership at the Club as a result of the Dow dropping 1,000 points. After having the concept of the stock market explained to her, she became even more distraught at the thought of having to get a part time job at a Cameron Village boutique now that her kids were in school and she no longer had a valid reason to stay at home all day. This was all too overwhelming, causing her to miss the turn on to Whitaker Mill and drive up the steps in front of Hayes Barton Baptist.

Some speculated this was an ITB mom who was upset after finding out about her husband’s Ashley Madison account. Others thought there may have been a secret Lilly sale at North Hills that this person was racing towards.

There’s a slight chance this could have been an ITB mom reading about the plane breakup from Sunday night. Twitter user Kelly Keegan live-tweeted the breakup that she was, like, totes #blessed to witness, obvi. Since this happened on a flight leaving the Raleigh airport, we’ll consider it newsworthy. I’m too lazy to put all the tweets here so if you haven’t heard about it just go read the story on Us Weekly. Kelly went from around 1,500 followers when I first looked on Sunday night, to over 19,000 around 24 hours later. She’ll probably be on the Today Show and Good Morning America by the end of the week, and then the Holderni will do a breakup parody video titled “It’s Not Me, It’s You” set to the tune of “It Takes Two” by Marvin Gaye and Kim Weston. Kelly will get a book deal and an HBO pilot for her reporting. I’ll just sit here and reevaluate my life and try to figure out how to launch a media empire. At least I didn’t drive my car up the steps of Hayes Barton Baptist Church.

Editor’s note: I’m not insinuating that all ITB moms have kids just so they won’t have to get real jobs and that all ITB husbands cheat on their wives. It’s probably more like 60%.

33 Comments

  1. Thanks for the shoutout @wnfiv! Now I won’t have to try so hard to receive The Order of The Long Leaf Pine to make father proud!

  2. That’s the worst piece of editorial garbage I’ve ever read- get the chip off of your shoulder

  3. This does sound like the first day of school! People making public, judgemental statements about other people they don’t know, just so they can entertain themselves. Focus your talent on something better.

  4. As satire, this is complete dreck. Especially since you don’t know if the driver was a woman, a man, or a horse. There are literally no details on any website anywhere.

    You really hate women, don’t you. Maybe you should look at your relationship with your mother and examine it with a therapist.

  5. Meow….I think William Needham Finley the IV may still have some milk in ‘her’ kitty whiskers!

  6. Absolutely Fantastic analogy!! Spot on.. Hilarious.. Still laughing…
    Ps. the driver was a woman!

  7. Would it be possible to filter out the comments from Cary and Canada (I mean North Raleigh)? They clearly don’t get it.

  8. Just beautiful. A true piece of art. Seems to be a psychological mind bender for the “moms” in the area. Use the school buses, which will tune your sheltered children into respectful citizens. Also, watch the road in between texts. I love Wake County, and it’s magnificent blend of people.

  9. i heard the woman lives in Bedford or Wakefield and magnets her kids to Hunter or Washington…. Accident just happened to be ITB. / she WISHES she lived ITB!!! If she could afford it she could walk her kids to school! Only thing she is ok with is she’s getting ITB CREDS in the news!!! Her #dream to live ITB!!! Lol!

  10. There’s satire, and then there’s Jane’s comment, which seems to be remarkably evocative of the satirical subject of the post…scary. “If she could afford it” – really?

    Anyhoo, I’m wondering why you didn’t peg the mom as being from Underwood, just spitting distance from the 8th circle of hell?

    ~an actual ITB mom

  11. so many “anonymous” 32 year old, with 3 kids, suburban driving, never worked a day, ex bhs cheerleaders are butthurt about the truth spoken here. Jane also driving home why they get made fun of with the “if they could afford it…” comment that she snuck in while opening her 3rd bottle of chardonnay at 2pm. living the #dream right? lol?

  12. Nice piece of commentary from someone who sounds like they probably actually GREW UP “ITB”, and who probably also had a mom just like the one who ended up on the steps somehow, the events of which leading up to her ending up there you have absolutely NO IDEA, including possibly responding to the needs of multiple children in her car, and also very well may be a mom who does anything and everything she can every minute of every day to make sure her “ITB” family is well cared for…. thank you for your ridiculously irresponsible generalization of those of us who work very hard to be able to afford to live ITB.

  13. I found this funny. Reminds me a lot of the Lexus/Mercedes/Benz driving denizens of ITB and their Carolina Country Club posse of Lily Pulitzer wearingChardonnay guzzlers. The only thing you got wrong is the Canadians in North Raleigh. I have never met a Canadian here but I do admit there are an awful lot of people from the UP ( Michigan).

    Bleech…

  14. Funny as hell! Or as my connected and plugged in 26 yo would say; “Hella Yes!” Like to think Michigander’s add to, versus detract from the ITB crowd. To all the downers, remember Sergeant Hulka…Lighten up Francis!

  15. Such unfunny, callous pretentious drivel spewed from a self described Raleigh socialite, man/boy IV. You might consider getting a real job and moving out of your parents basement. I have read some of your other name dropping posts. Entitled, mean spirited and pitiful.

  16. Everyone is ignoring the significance of the fact that she was on the church steps. I think she felt the Lord calling and she wanted to be closer to God. She just couldn’t wait until Sunday!

  17. I’m an ITB mom and I think this is funny! Lighten up people….. With so many horrible things happening in the world today, why waste your time worrying about something that was meant to be funny.

  18. funny as hell and if u don’t get the joke. U need to go back
    Wherever u came from and don’t bitch about us here. Get a life it’s all fun and games !

  19. So funny! Lighten up people! If you can’t laugh and sometimes at yourself then I feel badly for you. #able2liveITBbut choseNRal

  20. Um, i have seen some of the horrible living conditions “ITB”. It is not where I would ever want to live. Too much crime too. I’ll keep my 8 bedroom home on 2 acres in North Raleigh over any of those postage stamp lots “ITB” any day. Get your noses out of the air. It’s not that great of an area.

  21. It is possible that she couldn’t find a parking spot so she could pick up that Lilly’s Pizza and faked the accident. I’ve parked around there and thought about it. That Lilly’s aroma can make you do strange things.

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