Presidential Candidate Deez Nuts Stumps in Raleigh

in ITBNN by

Everyone knows that the road to the White House runs directly through Raleigh, specifically ITB. So it’s no surprise that Presidential candidate Deez Nuts made a stop at the Cameron Village Harris Teeter on Monday to deliver a fiery stump speech.

Presidential candidate Deez Nutz spotted in the HT parking lot. (Pic from @johnakoonce)

A photo posted by William Needham Finley IV (@wnfiv) on

Many of you are probably familiar with Deez Nuts from a few weeks ago when he polled at 9% in North Carolina for President of the United States of America, slightly behind Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton. This is not a joke. If this is the first time you’re encountering Deez Nuts, stop what you’re doing and read more about him here.

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I alerted the major news networks in hopes that they would cover the story, but they were too busy reporting on other candidates (Donald Trump). I decided it was my responsibility to cover this breaking news by myself.

Thousands Rally for Deez Nuts in Raleigh

In an attempt to rally his base, Deez Nuts addressed thousands near the entrance of Harris Teeter, a spot usually reserved for Salvation Army bell ringers and Girl Scouts selling cookies. Nuts wanted to hold his rally at Broughton, but it was closed for Labor Day. Nuts kicked off his speech by connecting with the crowd over the tragic loss of power at their beloved Harris Teeter the week before.

“I just wanted to be with you people to show my support, to show that someone cares about you. You didn’t see Hillary or Obama even mention the Harris Teeter blackout, did you? I sure didn’t. You all had to go without water crackers during Labor Day weekend. What did you spread your brie or pimento cheese on if you didn’t have access to clean water crackers? Our infrastructure is crumbling and I won’t stand for this when I’m President!” Nuts shouted, as his supporters cheered.

One woman in the crowd asked if ITB would have to take in any of the recent refugees from Syria, fearing she may have to give up her guest bedroom or even worse, her guest house. Deez Nuts showed empathy regarding their situation, while also showing that he had no idea what their situation actually was. “We’ve got to help The Fugees get out of Syria. They had some great hits in the ‘90s. It’s not fair that losers like Syria are trying to keep them off of Spotify and Apple Music. This is America!”

The crowd wasn’t sure how to react, but they were glad Deez Nuts was speaking his mind and telling it like it is.

Nuts’s platform appeared to be based on the following issues:
– Supplying residents with “infinity Water Crackers, for forever, no matter what”
– Providing a backup generator for Harris Teeter so residents would never have to suffer another blackout
– Extracting The Fugees from Syria
– Building a four-story Chick Fil-A so Raleigh could take back the title of “world’s tallest Chick Fil-A” from the three-story Chick Fil-A being built in Manhattan

It’s clear that Deez Nuts is attracting a lot of momentum. Here are actual quotes from his supporters.

“As crazy as it might be, I think he’s addressing something that needs to be heard,” said Randall Thomas II, of Cameron Park. “I think he’s saying something that everybody thinks always has to be addressed. If you have a country of laws, you have to abide by the laws.”

“I would want Deez Nuts to sit across a table from Putin or Iran or the Mexican prime minister to cut a deal because he’s done it his whole life,” said Jackson Williams V, of Five Points. “Maybe we need a warrior instead of a politician. People compare Mr. Nuts to Putin. There’s something to be said about the man, who takes care of the Russian people.”

“I just think he’s doing it for all the right reasons,” said James Davis III, a third generation ITB resident who bypassed Kroger and Costco on his way to pay $4 for a box of water crackers. “It’s not about the money. It’s not about the political power. He’s already got everything. He has nothing to lose by doing this.”

“This country needs a businessman just like Deez Nuts to put us back on track, to make us stop being the laughing stock of this world,” said Mary Carson Reynolds, of Drewry Hills.

“It’s totally refreshing. He’s not politically correct. He has a backbone and he cannot be bought,” said Lee Ann Knox, of Country Club Hills.

“Deez Nuts says everything that I would like to say, but I’m afraid to say. What comes out of his mouth is not what he thinks I want to hear,” said Mary Jane Bowen, of Boylan Heights.

“At least we know where Deez Nuts stands,” said Kurt Medlin, an independent. “These other guys, I don’t trust anything that comes out of their mouths. They’re lying to get elected. This guy’s at least saying what he believes.”

“Deez Nuts may have started as a joke,” Medlin said, “but he may be the real deal.”

Paul Vaughn II, a third generation Mordecai resident, said he isn’t much into politics but there he was at the Harris Teeter, listening to every word that came out of Deez Nuts.

“I haven’t been passionate about a politician running for office since Ronald Reagan,” he said.

After shaking hands and kissing babies, Deez Nuts turned to the crowd one last time and shouted, “I came here to make ITB great again!” One half of the crowd chanted “Deez!” to which the other half replied “Nuts!” repeatedly as Nuts got into his VW and drove off. It was on to the next set of voters for Deez Nuts. 

*All quotes in support of Deez Nuts were taken directly from this recent article on people who support Donald Trump for President.