Oxygen Levels Plummet After Raleigh’s Giving Tree Is Murdered In Broad Daylight

in Humor by

Oxygen levels in Raleigh dropped significantly after a historic oak tree in Nash Square was cut down. City officials were forced to murder the tree, located across the street from the former Sprague Law Office and Berkeley Cafe, after discovering that it had some sort of tree disease.

As the tree trunk was being chainsawed to death, residents lined up around the block to get their hands on a piece of history. “I’m hoping I can salvage some of its oxygen. I didn’t even know this tree was being murdered until the AQI on my Apple Watch shot up to 360,” said Norman Larson, referring to the watch’s Air Quality Index feature, which determines air quality on a scale from 0 to 500. Anything above 301 is “hazardous” and considered an emergency.

Some residents saw the demise of the tree as an opportunity. “I’ve got enough tree here to make a dozen cutting boards, a set of coasters, and a small end table. If they let me get a piece of the base I could easily make a headboard or a dining room table,” said Alex Hutton. He added that he plans to sell those items on a private Facebook group where the users would, “go nuts over this stuff, especially once I offer a monogramming option.”

Tree regulatory officials are now concerned with fraud related to the sale of “authentic” pieces of the Nash Square tree. “It happens more than you think. A historic  tree or building is demolished and people see an opportunity for exploitation,” said Eric Clay, a tree regulator. “We’ve already caught one landscaping company that was offering to spread “authentic Nash Square wood chips” in yards on Marlowe Road. It turned out to be regular wood chips from Logan’s.”

Residents are encouraged to hire a carbon dating expert or an ITB mom from garden club to ensure any Nash Square tree products are authentic. If fraud is suspected, please contact Stacy Miller at the offices of Miller Law Group.

The crowds eventually subsided, as dozens of tree removal specialists continued to clear the area of mangled limbs. One bystander asked, “Why didn’t they use one of those helicopter saws? Seems like that would’ve been a lot easier.”



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