by William Needham Finley IV™

ITBlake Investigates: Broughton’s Off-Campus Lunch Pass Conspiracy

in Broughton/Humor/ITB Intern by
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Every year, junior and senior students at Broughton ask themselves, “Why do I pay $170 for a parking spot and then another $20 for an off-campus lunch pass? Why is this so expensive and where does the money go?” A new theory suggests that the high cost of the off-campus lunch pass is the result of the money going not towards school supplies, but something much more dubious. But what?

A closer look inside classrooms points to where the money is heading. Walk into any Broughton classroom and you’ll find students sleeping. The administration has fought this for years, but finally embraced the practice once they realized they could benefit from it. A former Broughton teacher, who requested anonymity, told us of the existence of a controversial program being used by the administration. I began to investigate.

Referred to as “InceptiCap”, the program is modeled after the documentary Inception, which details the top-secret government program used to enter a person’s dreams to plant an idea into their mind. Since students sleep through class anyway, the Broughton administration figured they could utilize the practice of inception in order to educate students and, as a result, increase end of year test scores and graduation rates.


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It’s common knowledge that Broughton keeps the 2nd and 3rd floors warmer by not turning on the AC. This makes students more susceptible to falling asleep. A PASIV device is placed on a student once they fall asleep, allowing teachers to implant ideas into that student’s mind. If the class is boring enough, the student enters limbo (the longest dream state), which is why many claim that some classes (most commonly math) seem to last for years. In their mind, they are sitting through 10 years of learning calc.

Broughton students have started to catch on to this scheme and have become more vigilant. Similar to the Inception documentary, many students now carry fidget spinners with them at all times to help them determine what’s real and what’s a dream. If their fidget spinner never stops spinning, the student is still asleep and being forced to learn against their will.

the original fidget spinner

Clearly the outrageous price of the off-campus lunch passes can be directly linked to funding the InceptiCap program. Like any good conspiracy, that answer just led to more questions, and I needed more answers. Who exactly was the mastermind behind this scheme and why were students footing the bill? Why doesn’t the PTA just pay for this? I confronted Mr. Corsetti, Physics teacher and first ballot Broughton Hall of Famer, with my findings and was met with a dead end. (Press play)

I posted my Zapruder film to Instagram and by last night it had already hit the Explore page.

With all the extra attention I’ve brought to this matter, henceforth known as “off-campus lunch passgate”, it appears the administration is now spending even more money on a cover-up. I’ve reached out to Stacy Miller about representing Broughton students in a Caps class action lawsuit, but he’s busy running for City Council. While some could say the practice of InceptiCap is done for the greater good, the question of why we have to spend $20 on an off-campus lunch pass remains. Will the Broughton administration lower the prices of off-campus lunch passes now that I’ve blown the lid off this conspiracy?

Keep dreaming.


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