William Needham Finley IV™

ITB Disasters

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Today’s guest post comes from The ITB Historian. Writer’s note: our thoughts are with those who suffered in the weekend’s storms. Others will provide better words for comfort–we’ll do what we do best: keep things light.

Last Saturday morning, ITBers were horrified to wake up to news of a tornado watch.

After spending a few hours hiding in their well constructed homes, ITBers emerged to assess the storm damage. Sadly and tragically, some of Raleigh’s oldest, finest oak trees were felled by high winds. (Note: I just call any big tree in Raleigh that isn’t a magnolia an oak). It’s a brutal side of nature to witness, trees who served us so proudly meeting a violent fate in the end. It reminds you to not take for granted those incredibly long waits at the Whitaker Mill/Wake Forest Rd light, but instead to use the time to admire the scenery around you, even if it’s just the oversized chair at Snoopy’s. Any one of these ITB treasures could be literally blown away on any given day.

Elsewhere, in the town of Brier Creek, some apartments fell over. Yawn.

I keep watching this vid and daydreaming that these were the new Cameron Village apartments. Oh well.

One particularly large tree landed directly across Glenwood Avenue, bowing towards The Club in a symbolic final gesture. As was noted by ITBNN via a correspondent, the golf course was thankfully spared.

 

While the golf course survived, folks trying to get to The Club on Saturday had to enter by the tennis center and drive ALL the way through the parking lot. Ridiculous. This was a monumental headache, and although safety from personal harm is important, a certain amount of collective inconvenience can, in fact, be classified as a disaster.

This obviously brings up the discussion of the biggest natural disasters to hit ITB. The list would start with Hurricanes Hazel (1954) and Fran (1996) and probably include some snow/ice storms and a tornado or two. (Note: the late 80’s North Raleigh tornado was deemed geographically not ITB. Though its tragic nature continues to draw the sympathy of even the most xenophobic Old Raleighites, the event itself cannot be considered an ITB disaster).

In terms of inconvenience, Fran was a complete ITB disaster. Trees and debris were everywhere, forcing people to drive on major 4-lane roads or sometimes even WALK places. And worse, so many were affected, there weren’t enough people to hire to clear all the yards. I mean, look at us in this picture splitting wood in our yard. Where ARE we….Johnston County?

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Our inability to clear our own yards led to some solid “no power” wine and candle Broughton parties. Being out of school for a week was obviously a plus for the kids, but a nightmare for the parents, who actually had to deal with us for extended periods of time. On the bright side, Fran was a great chance for many to claim storm damage for insurance purposes to upgrade to the newest BMW line.

ITB disasters are not just relegated to storms. We all know ITBers have to deal with a measure of inconvenience on a daily basis. Driving anywhere near Hayes Barton Methodist on the way to NOFO for a hungover Sunday brunch around the time church gets out IS indeed a disaster AND a major inconvenience. Same goes for waiting for a table at the PR behind someone you didn’t go to school with. There are more lasting inconveniences, such as wasting our parents’ tax dollars on building the Light + Time Tower. While hiding it behind the Fairview bridge caused most ITBers to forget about it, it still shouldn’t have happened. While these are annoying, they aren’t severe enough to be considered “disasters”.

When we say “ITB disaster”, we’re thinking the time 540 opened, which gave everyone who lived between 440 and 540 the warped idea that they were ITB, or I-anything. Or when North Hills started trying to turn a profit rather than simply being a huge parking lot for Scotty’s and Andy’s patrons. These were true ITB disasters that we may never fully recover from.

So now I present to you the list of nominees for “Biggest ITB Disaster”: the events and happenings that caused the most inconvenience for the most amount of people who rightfully believe their ITB birthright and bank account mean never having to deal with any inconvenience ever. We’ll see where the most recent round of Beltline renovations ends up ranking.

-Wake Co. School Board adopts the Schools of Choice program, March 11, 1982

Basically, this was an expansion of the Magnet Program, but let’s back up a minute. First, let’s recognize that most of these educational issues from the 70s and 80s had race as a major factor. Let’s be clear that the ITB Historian is color blind, since ITBers consider themselves superior to ALL people, regardless of race. We gladly look down on others for any reason we choose. But in this instance, it was important to get the race relations stuff right simply because Charlotte botched it SO badly that it was going to be fun rubbing it in their faces.

The inevitable merger of the Raleigh and Wake County school systems came mid-70s, but it was mostly a PR move to at least make a nod towards doing the right thing. (Side note: how are Chapel Hill Schools still escaping merging with Orange County? Who from Chapel Hill is making the case with a straight face that it’s good for the kids in Efland?)

The Magnet Program opening full throttle in ’82 is really what made everything go haywire. Before that it was easy, you sent your kid to Root, Bates (where Daniels is now), or Lacy, and then Daniels. But now they were trying to trick ITB parents into sending their kids to Wiley, Washington, Ligon, and even Enloe(!) by telling them they had “gifted” programs for their “gifted” kids. Even worse is that some parents fell for it!

And worse than that, it led to an incredibly strong school system, which apparently is something people consider heavily when looking for a place to live. So the Magnet program and school system actually began drawing outsiders to Raleigh. A true ITB disaster.

Throw in the few OTB neighborhoods that Broughton would soon draw from, and those crazy years when Blenheim was basically split by the Martin/Daniels school district line on opposite sides of the same street, and there’s no question the Magnet Program ranks as an all-time ITB disaster.

-Club renovations, mid-90’s

As upgrades and improvements became obviously necessary, Club members expected them to just suddenly be fixed. No one actually thought they’d have to alter THEIR Club routine to allow it to happen. As if this one needs any more explanation, I’ll say this: they had to hold Cotillion at the YMCA. The freaking Y. DISASTER.

-Broughton post-Homecoming Party, October, 1993

No offense to the 70+ folks who received drinking citations that night (and shout-out to the window-jumpers/briefly incarcerated), but the carnage of this epic event isn’t the reason it rates as an all-time ITB disaster. This was a seminal moment in party protocol as it was the first time alcohol citations were issued to ITB party participants. Not sure how it went in the rest of the universe, but prior to the “Garner party”–as it came to be known–typically police approached parties with reverence, glanced at one fake ID, politely asked folks to keep it down, and reminded people not to drink and drive. But that night? Some guys named ALE showed up and made two lines: drinkers and non-drinkers. Drinkers got tickets. Non-drinkers got breathalyzed, failed, and then got tickets. Crazy.

And forever after, entitled youth from Anderson Drive to Cameron Park had to worry about getting a “drinking ticket” just for living the ITB life. Historical note: this was when the phrase “sorry for partying” was originally conceived. Look it up. It also gave way to a classic bit of teenage logic: the police are at fault because, by enforcing the law, they are encouraging me to run from the party and drive home while intoxicated, out of fear of getting a drinking (while not driving) ticket. Some people even got DUIs doing just that! Damn cops.

Note: the party did take place in Garner, so geographically it was not ITB. But come on, it was the Broughton Homecoming Party. Definitely counts.

-Incorporation of Cary, April 6, 1871

I’m sure they were a huge pain in the ass before 1871, but that’s the first official date we have to go by, so that’s exactly what we’ll do. Much like the Club renovations, this one should need no explanation. I could write a book on all the things wrong with Cary, but I don’t want to give them the satisfaction of knowing that they annoy us.

Have more nominees to add to the list? Use the comments below or #ITBdisaster on Twitter to nominate an event that caused serious inconvenience to a LOT of people who have not dealt with much life adversity.

ITBNN: Is the Xmas Jammies Video ITB or OTB?

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If you have a pulse and can afford the internet you’ve seen the Xmas Jammies video created by Penn Holderness of NBC-17 his new film production company, Visit the Darkroom or whatever. I’m not going to post the video here. What I will do is post proof of why Penn Holderness is ITB. HE SAID MY NAME ON TV.

While that makes Penn an honorary ITBer, many people have wondered whether the video itself is ITB or OTB.

Were I to dole out a verdict based purely on emotions it wouldn’t be pretty. It’s not that I’m jealous of how much this family loves each other, ok, I am. Watching this video is a painful reminder of the times when my family barely mentioned me in our Christmas letter. There was the year my parents found out about ITB Insider and decided to try to distance themselves from me. They just wrote, “William, 24.” That’s it. I’m not even sure if that’s a complete sentence. They didn’t even use a to be verb, for Christ’s sake. Then there was the year they scratched through the sentence, “William, now 6, spent the entire year watching the movie “Turner and Hooch” every day and crying himself to sleep every night. He’s now back in therapy.” Instead they wrote, “William, now 6, enjoys movies.”. I barely got a sentence while everyone else got pages about their awards and achievements. So my sister did some crap in the Y-Indian Princesses. WHO CARES?

So yeah, they love each other. That’s great. Adopt me. Regarding the Xmas Jammies video itself, I’m afraid that it isn’t ITB. However, it isn’t so bad that it’s fully OTB. Had they made a few minor changes, this video would have been ITB approved.

1. Mention Root/Lacy, Daniels/Martin, and Broughton – I realize they may not know what school district their children are in since that seems to change every six months. But ITB parents know for a fact that their children will attend Root/Lacy, Daniels/Martin, and then Broughton. Even if you aren’t in the correct school district and your parents have to lie and tell Root that you live off of Gaddy Dr. when you really live off of Grant Ave. (how the hell is Grant Ave. not in the Root district?) your parents will do anything to make sure you attend the holy trinity of ITB schools.

2. Mention WNFIV – there was no mention of me. I’m no lyrical genius, but were I to pen a verse incorporating my name, it may have gone something like this.

“We might be Just OTB, but at least we know W-N-F-I-V”

It’s not that hard.

3. Where is your Tahoe? – I hope you bought that Prius ironically, or as some sort of joke against hipsters. Open up your garage and at least show off your Tahoe. You do have a Tahoe, right? Tell me you have a Tahoe….

4. Stop teaching your kid Chinese – Why is your kid learning Chinese anyway? Everyone knows the menu at Red Dragon is in English. She could be doing more important ITB girl things, like memorizing the double names of every girl on the Queen of Hearts Court. Tradition is more important than learning new things, especially languages. Ugh.

5. Don’t get a vasectomy – The point of being ITB is to have a massively huge family that can breed with other ITB families and continue to shun outsiders.

6. Your children are more accomplished than I am – They’re not even 10 and they’re making me look bad. Now I’ve got to sit through Christmas dinner with my Mom saying things like, “That little girl can speak two languages, and you……well you’re lucky I was friends with your Latin teacher at Broughton. You never would have passed.” in between her oversized glasses of wine. Thanks, Mom.

Lastly, being ITB is all about being exclusive and better than others for any reason that you simply imagine and then state as a fact. We must apply the exclusivity principle to this video. Viewers of this video can be broken down into categories based on when they first saw it. I was the 47th viewer, so obviously it was still ITB at that point.

Views 0-10,000 – ITB

Views 10,001-100,000 – JOTB (Just Outside the Beltline)

Views 100,001-1,000,000 – OTB

Views 1,000,000 – 10,000,000 – OTOB (Outside the Outer Beltline aka I-540)

Anything above 10,000,000 and you might as well go back to writing Nigerian Prince scam e-mails, because you live in the third world. The video is now over 12 million views, far from exclusive at this point.

I’ve reviewed the evidence, Penn being honorary ITB, the changes that could have made this video ITB, and the lack of exclusivity that gets worse and worse with each viewing. My final verdict: Xmas Jammies is JOTB, or Just Outside the Beltline.

Merry Christmas to all and to the Holdernessss’sss’. I can’t wait to watch “Behind the Music: Xmas Jammies” in ten years.[hr]

ITBNN: Mayor Announces Biggest Concert Disappointment Ever

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Mayor Nancy McFarlane announced this morning that Billy Joel will be playing a concert at the ESA (PNC Arena). The hype surrounding this announcement was unprecedented. Yesterday on Twitter, Mayor McFarlane announced she was making an announcement, which led to wild speculation and hype, mainly generated by people such as myself (see ITBNN: Garth Brooks Concert at PNC Arena) and @NewRaleigh’s creation of #pncrumors. Once the Mayor announced Billy Joel would be playing, Twitter responded with a collective, “Him?”.

Let’s get one thing straight, Billy Joel is obviously ITB. He wrote the ITB anthem “We Didn’t Start the Fire” for Christ’s sake. Lyrics from that hit song served as an alibi for many ITBers during the great mansion fire in the late 1990s.

But after numerous trips to rehab (so ITB) and not having released an album since “River of Dreams” in 1993, he’s officially over the hill. Don’t think Billy’s sorry for partyin’ though.  He has stated that he suffered from a deep depression brought on by, you guessed it, 9/11. From the interview: “9/11 just knocked the wind out of me, and I don’t know even now if I’ve recovered from it. It really, really hurt that man could do that to man. And then there was a breakup with somebody, and it took me a while to get me back on my feet again.” Sooooo yeah…

Would I love to hang out with Billy Joel and drunkenly scream the words to Piano Man and River of Dreams with him at Crowley’s? ABSOLUTELY. Do I want to go to a concert and watch him rely on the audience to sing half of his songs for him? No. Crowd singing is one of my biggest concert pet peeves. My Dad didn’t buy me and my friends this luxury box so we could listen to a bunch of normal people sing the performer’s songs. You sing every word of your songs and you sing them well, dammit. Here’s a prime example:

 

Billy Joel is so lazy he even relies on other people to play the piano for him.

Yesterday I announced that the Mayor’s announcement would be that Garth Brooks was playing at the ESA (PNC Arena). I wasn’t totally wrong, because I’m never wrong. Yes, I may have been slightly incorrect about the specific words the Mayor used in her announcement. But I have at least another 50 years to be proven wrong about Garth Brooks touring and playing in Raleigh. So expect a Garth Brooks concert in 2014.

I can’t blame Garth for not wanting to play the ESA (PNC Arena) though. After spending almost five years playing to a small and intimate audience in Las Vegas, it makes sense that Garth wants to start small. I have word from a reliable source that he wants to play the halftime show of the 2014 Broughton Homecoming game, or the ITB Bowl, which pits the worst local ACC football team against Broughton’s varsity team each year. I’ll keep you posted on the exact dates of those shows.

We all learned a lesson today, this is why you don’t announce announcements on Twitter. This isn’t a knock on Billy Joel, well, yes it is. He just isn’t Garth Brooks.[hr]

ITBNN: Garth Brooks Concert at PNC Arena

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Move over Justin Timberlake, no one cares about you anymore. A miraculous news story broke this morning, letting all of ITB know that Mayor Nancy McFarlane will be at the ESA (the PNC Arena) tomorrow to announce a concert. I repeat, A CONCERT.

The announcement is so spectacular that the hashtag #pncrumors was created. This epic news immediately began trending in Raleigh.

Fearful of being totally left out of the story, the Triangle Business Journal made sure to insert themselves into the discussion by keeping everyone informed of the wild speculation surrounding this hashtag.

I’ve already stated that the concert will be Garth Brooks, or a hologram of Michael Jackson. If I’m wrong, I’ll just delete those tweets and the previous sentence and then change the title of this post. Notice how I said it would be a Garth Brooks concert before the #pncrumors hashtag was even created, which makes me better than everyone else.

If I’m wrong, and I’m never wrong, there are some other logical guesses:

Also, it’s Jay Z’s birthday today. He’s 44. Happy birthday Hova.[hr]

ITBNN: ITB News Anchor Says My Name and “ITB vs. OTB” on TV

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Last Friday night, honorary ITB news anchor Penn Holderness sent me the following tweet.

Upon seeing this, I began to hyperventilate. I was going to be referenced on the news?! Did a mansion catch on fire? Had police found my elaborate plans to implode Gelwood South by digging underground tunnels from Broughton? I viewed the picture and was relieved to see that Penn Holderness was simply planning on referencing me during a football highlight. He probably saw all the great work we’ve been doing on ITB Bets Week 1 and Week 2 and wanted to thank me for all the money he’s surely won from our advice.

It didn’t matter why I was going to be on the news. The only thing I cared about was that Dad was watching when it happened. I immediately sent him a text saying, “!!!! Emergency!!! I’m going to be on the news!!! For real this time! Set your DVR for NBC-17 at 11:00″. As always, he didn’t answer right away. I copied and pasted the message and sent it 16 more times to be sure he got it. I watched as his text bubble with the three dots appeared and disappeared again and again. Clearly he was overwhelmed with emotion and trying to think of the best way to express himself. He finally replied, “Stop texting me. I thought I blocked you.” I took this to mean that he was busy trying to DVR the news. Fortunately, I recorded the clip on my phone in case Dad was having trouble with his DVR.

 

That’s right, Penn Holderness said, “Broughton versus Wake Forest, or as my buddy William Needham Finley would call it, ITB versus OTB.” Let that sink in. A local news anchor said my name and the words “ITB versus OTB” on the news in front of millions of people. First, give this guy some credit for having the journalistic integrity to say what we were all thinking. Broughton vs. Wake Forest is so obviously ITB vs. OTB. I’m glad we finally have someone in the news who is not only aware of these differences, but highlights them on the actual news broadcast. I’ve yet to see WRAL do this. If he keeps this up, Penn just might find himself the recipient of an ITB Peabody award. My next goal is to see if Penn will say “Sleazeville” when he reports on the Leesville vs. Broughton game. Stay tuned.[hr]

ITB Bets: Week 2 – ITB on ESPN, UNC vs. ECU, ITB Golden Gophers, and Broughton in the News

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Week 1 Recap

Clemson (-14.5) at NC State – Final Score: Clemson 26 – NC State 14
While we didn’t necessarily predict the State game “correctly”, ITB still came out on top by making an appearance on ESPN’s pregame coverage. After being broadcast on TV across the nation, sales of ITB koozies skyrocketed, in that one or two people asked me for free ones on Twitter. Good thing I ordered another 50,000 koozies to meet the demand.

This brings up another wager that we’ll keep track of throughout the year, over/under on number of times ITB koozies are shown on ESPN: 5.

WNFIV’s pick: I’m forced to take the over. I thought one 2 second appearance on national television would be enough to make Dad believe in me and my dream of living off the ITB blog. Unfortunately, he still won’t even respond to me when I look him dead in the eye and seek his praise. Tough love. I’ll take the over and pray it comes true.

Permar’s Clemson vs. NC State prop bets were spot on last week. Fights (+5) over toilets clogged by airplane bottles was the bet, but I was confused and thought we were betting on the number of mini bottles it would take to clog a toilet. Regardless, we were right. You’re welcome.

Pat McCrory, Scotty McCreery, and multiple Fratty McDrunks were at the game, fulfilling the B-list celeb prop bet. You’re welcome.

Over/under – the % of girls who go from the game to The Point that change outfits first: 87
98% of the girls that went to the game went home to change outfits before going to The Point. It should have been 100%, because seriously what ITB girl would be caught dead wearing the same thing to The Point that she had just Instagrammed herself wearing two hours ago at the game? However, the remaining 2% were too drunk to change out of their sundresses and cowgirl boots and into designer jeans, blouses, scarves, and Tory Burch flats.

UNC at Georgia Tech (-7) – Final Score: UNC 20 – Georgia Tech 28
We were right. You’re welcome.

Broughton (-2.5) over BYE WEEK – Final Score: Broughton victory
You can’t lose if you don’t play. We’ll take that as a win. You’re welcome.

So after Week 1, ITB is at 2-1 and Permar nailed all the prop bets. With that kind of accuracy we’ll continue on with Week 2.

ITB Bets: Week 2

ECU vs. UNC (-10)

WNFIV’s pick: This is a tough call. I’d rather just take Dad’s credit card to Bob’s because it doesn’t matter who wins.

Permar’s pick: ECU typically only gets up for UNC in years they aren’t also playing State. They can muster up some hate for UNC football every once in a while, but it’s hard when you’re already pulling for the Heels in basketball, you know? With the Wolfpack on the schedule, don’t expect ECU to care as much about this one. And with the Virginia Tech loss already ruining their season (because, seriously, who is paying attention to ECU once they start their conference schedule?), I fear the wind will be taken out the Pirates’ sails. ECU may be OTB, but they’re good people, and we need enough of them around to sell insurance to and beat in fantasy football. So be nice to them and buy them their first non-Busch Light beer. And ECU fans, if you do pull the upset, remember: Top of the Hill isn’t 519. No dancing on the bar. Put your share of the “just because it’s a guys’ weekend” 8-ball on the Heels -10.

Prop bets:
(O/U) % of ECU football fans who will attend an ECU basketball game this winter: 5.5
(O/U) % of UNC basketball fans who will attend a UNC football game this fall: 4.5

Patterson’s pick: UNC playing ECU is like any well-off ITB superstar going to the Triangle Beach Music Festival. It’s the Super Bowl for ENC — JoCo, Pitt County, really anything East of the beltline — and we’re cool with that. You just try your best to avoid fights, broken glass, and STDs while enjoying the scenery. It may not be the biggest event of your year, but it is for a lot of the people there. The Pirates are one of the best teams in Conference USA, and only a few letdowns have kept them from making some noise as a legit mid-major nationally. Playing the Tar Heels is like a Super Bowl to many of the Pirates — particularly the ones who feel snubbed from recruiting. So be careful tossing the trust fund money around on this game. It might be better spent on antibiotics after the weekend.

Central Michigan vs. NC State (-23.5)

WNFIV’s pick: I’m not going to bother googling “Central Michigan” to learn anything about them. I just know that having a non-cardinal direction as part of your name is so OTB. Still, I don’t think State is capable of such a lopsided win. I’d bet on Central Michigan.

Permar’s pick: Not gonna lie and pretend I know anything about Central Michigan, and I’m definitely not taking the time to familiarize myself with them. That being said, 23.5 is a lot of points. I can guarantee you it will still be within 3 touchdowns when I lose interest. Tip for fans: State has 8 home games this year. This one might be a good one to sit out. Stay home, take the money you would have spent on bail getting arrested at the game, and lay it on the Chippewas +23.5

Prop bet:
Next State fan to go viral in a GIF: Girl in red sports bra/body paint dropping multiple F-bombs (-110), Sunburned Band member airing out his armpits (-110), family man literally assaulting referee (-110).

Patterson’s pick: Asking NC State to win by 24 points may seem challenging as they have not reached that total in either of their last two games, but let me tell you a few things about Central Michigan. First, the Chippewas are 1-3 and have not covered a single spread this season. They are also the 5th most interesting football team in the state of Michigan, which basically makes them the Sanderson of the MAC. Would you put your money behind Sanderson? Didn’t think so. Take the Pack in an angry bounce back win following Sideline-gate.

Iowa (-2) vs. Minnesota

WNFIV’s pick: I couldn’t point to either of these states on a map if you paid me. However, Minnesota is an honorary ITB satellite campus, thanks to their current ITB AD, Norwood Teague. In addition to both being ITB, Norwood and I share an intense hatred for Trolley Pubs. I don’t know how good Iowa is and I don’t care. Blind allegiance to ITB always trumps reason. Take the Golden Gophers.

Permar’s pick: ITB AD Norwood Teague’s Gophers are undefeated but underdogs at home against Iowa. I don’t want to jinx them and I don’t want to pick against them, so instead let’s look at the over/under: 47.5. With a couple banged up QBs and a solid ground game at their disposal, I expect Minny to play ball control and shorten the game. Like an apartment building in Cameron Village, that over/under number is too high for me. Find out what one of those CV apartment buildings cost (not a unit, the whole damn building) and put it on the under. When you win, buy the building and destroy it. And bring back Ballantine’s.

Wake Forest (-27) at Broughton

WNFIV’s pick: The Broughton football team was featured in the N&O earlier this week. It was a heartwarming story about how first year head coach Billy Lane is proud of the team despite being 0-4. Coach Lane showed the team some inspirational clips from the movie “Rocky”, which is like 40 years old I think. I’d bet my Tahoe that Broughton goes undefeated the rest of the year if they watch speeches by Coach Eric Taylor from Friday Night Lights before every game. Clear eyes, full hearts, can’t lose. ITB forever.

Permar’s pick: Gotta love the Caps. People are always complaining there’s not enough written about their high school (it’s because no one has heard of it), while BHS gets a write-up for being 0-4 but “trying hard.” Trust the opponents notice this, too. Put the deposit on the place you should be renting out for an upcoming Homecoming party on the Cougars.

If we’re right about these, pick up our next lunch at Village Deli. If we’re wrong, just tell Mom and Dad you got robbed by some hillbillies in town for the Bluegrass Festival this weekend.[hr]

ITB Bets: Week 1

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It’s finally the most wonderful time of the year. The weather is perfect, real sports have resumed (sorry baseball), and Christmas is less than 100 days away. The return of fall brings with it the return of real sports. Why is that ITB? Because sports means gambling, and gambling with your parents’ money is a classic ITB pastime. Nothing makes a weekend in the fall more fun than the highs and lows of losing and winning thousands of your parents’ dollars. Win a 10 game parlay and it’s shots for everyone at the bar. Lose that 10 game parlay on a last second field goal because New Mexico State’s kicker choked and it’s shots by yourself then going home to cry while you figure out a way to tell Mom and Dad that you just lost half your inheritance. Fun times. There are tons of sports betting sites to choose from, or you could just use a standard ITB bookie.

 Sorry for partyin’ after losing that 10 game parlay.

To help you avoid losing half your trust fund this fall, I’ll be featuring weekly expert analysis on ITB related bets. From college football and the NFL, to who will win Queen of Hearts or how many days until the Cameron Village apartments “accidentally” catch on fire, we’ll break down the complex wagers to ensure you come out on top. To help break down this week’s ITB bets I’ve reached out to Chip Patterson (@Chip_Patterson), CBS Sports College Football writer, and Hayes Permar (@DHPIV) of the David Glenn Show and ACCSports.com.

Clemson (-14.5) at NC State

WNFIV’s pick: Even though Clemson is OTB, and located in a state with a literacy rate of 37%, they should easily destroy the Pack. Bet your entire trust fund on Clemson to win by more than 14.5.

Permar’s pick: I’m not sure how you can technically double a trust fund that undoubtedly appears in your balance as “infinite”, but whatever–Clemson is the pick. The line basically asks the question: Do you think State has any chance to pull the upset? If you honestly believe they do, pick the Pack, take the points, and hope your mom remarries someone who lives on White Oak because you just flushed your trust fund. But that’s what makes State cool: they have no chance to win, and there’s not a chance it won’t be a great tailgate/game atmosphere, and an optional social engagement for any ITBers. Bet your trust fund: Clemson -14.5 over NCSU.

Prop bets for Clemson-NCSU
Fights (+5) over toilets clogged by airplane bottles
O/U – the % of girls who go from the game to The Point that change outfits first: 87
B-list celebrity in attendance: Scotty McCreery (-120), Pat McCrory (+150), Nate McMillan (+250), Fratty McDrunk (-1,200)

Patterson’s pick: The last time a No. 3 team came to Carter-Finley Stadium, we were introduced to Jake Jams Vol. 3 and Florida State’s national title dreams were spoiled. But with Mike Glennon gone and a bumpy start to the 2013 season, I think the story plays out differently. Clemson’s offense, on the other hand, is HD. You are going to sit in your seat, thoroughly lubricated after that “afternoon meeting” that conveniently ran from lunch until 5 p.m., and you will swear you are watching the IMAX at Marbles or Playspace or whatever. Also, NC State left tackle Rob Crisp is out and Clemson’s pass rush looked kind of nasty against Georgia. Looking for a drinking game at home? Pound one every time Jesse Palmer references “dialing up a blitz” on the broadcast. Should be a nice pregame for The Point after the game.

Final ITB pick: Clemson -14.5 over NCSU

UNC at Georgia Tech (-7)

WNFIV’s pick: Larry Fedora will go above his normal quota of 9 Red Bulls per day and have a mild heart attack during the second quarter. Fedora will fully recover after filling an IV with Red Bull and Gatorade and jamming it into his own arm. However, this won’t be enough to beat Georgia Tech. Take Tech -7 over UNC.

Permar’s pick: UNC football is equally thoughtful of ITBers, but in a different way. Since they’re located farther away than people would like to take you to pick your car up the next morning, they are kind enough to recognize that unless they are REALLY good, they don’t really expect people to be there. They’ll continue to give folks reasons to not come out by losing in Atlanta, and there’s a good chance it’ll be by more than 7. Paul Johnson is to NC teams what Garner is to Broughton. He grew up in North Carolina and thought that that, and being a great coach, would get him the UNC job. He didn’t realize hard work and results are trumped by birthrights and connections every time. Because of this, Johnson loves to wear out North Carolina teams, particularly UNC, much like Garner did to BHS a few weeks ago. Bet your next credit card roulette bachelor party weekend tab on Georgia Tech -7 over UNC.

Patterson’s pick: One thing about UNC’s offense; their quick scoring capabilities leave open the possibility of a backdoor cover — or at least getting the push. There’s nothing more ITB than a backdoor, but that’s no reason to throw Mommy and Daddy’s money behind the Heels this week. Trends, in general, are terrible, but it’s important to keep in mind that UNC failed to cover the spread in 4 out of 5 road games last season and have yet to prove that they can stop the ground attack in Atlanta. 919 > 404, but Georgia Tech’s run game > UNC’s defense. Take the Jackets to cover.

Final ITB pick: Georgia Tech -7 over UNC

Broughton (-2.5) over BYE WEEK

WNFIV’s pick: I don’t even need to know who we’re playing or what the line is. If Broughton wins we’ll brag about how much better we are than you. If we lose, oh well, we’re a basketball school.

Permar’s pick: The Caps are 0-4, including a home loss to Cardinal Gibbons. They have a first year head coach who faces the same uphill battle his predecessors had: all the best athletes at the school play golf and tennis, and sometimes basketball. But no losses this week. Over/under on wins the rest of the season is officially set at 1.5.

Final ITB pick: Broughton is better than everyone else no matter what.

If we’re right about these, find us at the bar and buy us shots. If we’re wrong then just tell Mom and Dad your ITB friend scammed you out of money on an investment deal. Cry a lot and they’ll believe you. Enjoy the weekend.[hr]

ITBNN: Reality Show Attempts to Save Lame Bar on Gelwood South

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It’s difficult for me, and other ITB residents I’m sure, to grasp the concept of having an outsider come in and rescue you from failure. When we fail at anything our parents simply bail us out by writing a check, calling their lawyers, disposing of evidence, or all of the above. However, it’s not at all surprising that Cashmere, a fledgling bar on Gelwood South, needs an outsider to help them stay in business. For those that don’t know, Gelwood South is the area of Glenwood South that contains clubs like Cashmere, Mirage, Solas, and insert gel head bar that will open and fail in six months. “Bar Rescue”, a television show that attempts to rescue failing bars from the reality of the free market, is currently filming at Cashmere. “Bar Rescue” airs on Spike TV, the Garner of cable channels, so Cashmere fits perfectly with their demographic of graphic tee wearing, Muscle Milk drinking, mouth breathers. “Bar Rescue” also just finished “rescuing” some hole in the wall in Garner.

The restaurant is now MoonRunners Saloon, and the reveal was a huge success. The line stretched through neighboring parking lots as people waited to be let in. According to an update from the owners, the reopening was fantastic and they ran out of moonshine.

I can’t even make this stuff up.

In order to write this post I had to actually watch an episode of this show. It’s my sacrifice to you all so you won’t have to waste an hour of your own time. You can thank me later. The host of the show, Jon Taffer, meets with the bar owner and staff to review why they suck at being a bar. In the case of Cashmere, I assume he’ll say something like, “Your clientele consists of weight lifting gel head gym rats and overly botoxed pre-cougars. These gel heads and pre-cougars spend 99% of their disposable income at GNC Live Well and the tanning bed. I’m positive you haven’t seen a triple digit bar tab in years.” After telling them why they are horrible, Jon Taffer will proceed to renovate the entire bar. Manufactured drama will be added just before cutting to a commercial break for Axe body wash, Mountain Dew, and an online college. The show will resume and we’ll see the changes they’ve implemented and whether or not they’re successful. SPOILER ALERT: They’re probably not going to be successful.

It’s fine for these shows to exist. The general public has to have something to keep them entertained. But it is totally unacceptable to be filming this kind of filth inside the beltline. Cashmere, the free market has spoken. You aren’t successful. Please just give up now. Changing your drink menu and having “professional” DJs come in and tell your amateur DJs how to hit “play” on their MacBook pros while wearing their Beats by Dre headphones on one ear is not going to make people come to your bar. It’s absurd that we even let Cashmere share an entrance next to Sullivan’s, an ITB landmark.

My friends and I have been in the bar rescue business before. We spent tens of thousands of our parents’ dollars trying to keep Felson’s alive and it simply didn’t work. Why on earth would anyone think a bar on Gelwood South could be successful? I’m setting the over/under on how long this place will still be “Cashmere” at 3 months. Send me your bets. Hint: I’m taking the under.[hr]

I Got Published In a Journal

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It’s official: I’m published. Yesterday, I found out one of my tweets about the Dix park issue was published in an article by the Triangle Business Journal.

Yes, a REAL JOURNAL. Realizing how much credibility this gave me, I immediately stopped playing Bejeweled HD and checking twitter to call Dad. He picked up after the sixth attempt.

Dad: What do you want?

Me: Dad, I got published.

Dad: What? You’re still writing that damn book? Are you not in the office right now?

Me: Yes, I’m in the office and yes, I’m still writing that damn book. This is different though. I got published, IN A JOURNAL. I emailed it to you, posted it on LinkedIn and on your Facebook wall, tweeted it at you, then printed off the story and told the secretary to interrupt whatever you were in the middle of and give it to you personally. Did you see it yet?

Dad: No, your mother and I are on the way to the beach for the weekend.

Me: I thought we were staying ITB for Easter?

Dad: ………uh, we are. Don’t come to the beach.

Me: Well what time is brunch on Sunday?

*Click*

I assume Dad hung up so fast so he could pull over at the next exit to read my tweet in that article. I can just see him now, tearing up as he reads my first published works. Mom right next to him calling Grandma to tell her how much prouder they are of me than my sister. “He’s the greatest child we’ve ever had!” she’ll say, as she cries tears of joy. Then Grandpa will hear the news and pull out his checkbook to write me a $5 check with “We’re so proud of you!” in the memo. (Don’t worry, I’ll add some zeros to the end, he’ll never notice.) We’ll probably spend all Easter talking about how thankful everyone is for me.

I’m not sure why Twitter hasn’t put the blue check by my name yet. Clearly I’m important enough for that at this point. They’re probably coordinating with the TBJ on a ceremony where they frame that tweet and present it to me at a dinner in my honor. That really isn’t necessary (but it really is).[hr]

Boston Celtics Sign Broughton Legend Shavlik Randolph to Multi-year Deal

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The Boston Celtics just got a lot more ITB. Yesterday, they signed Broughton/ITB legend Shavlik Randolph to a multi-year contract. Earlier this month, the Celtics signed Shav to a 10 day contract and then another 10 day contract after that. While playing for the Celtics he posted highs of 6 points, 8 rebounds, and 2 steals in only 15 minutes against the Charlotte OTB Bobcats. That comes out to about 19 points, 25 rebounds, and 6 steals had he played the whole game. Had the game gone into six overtimes, that would have been a triple double with 31 points, 41 rebounds, and 10 steals. That’s just math.

The Celtics knew Shav had been dominating while playing the last year in the Chinese Basketball Association, averaging 32 points and 14 rebounds. However, sources have said his ties to Broughton and ITB were the main reasons the Celtics decided to sign him to a multi-year deal.

“We knew he was playing really well overseas, but when you get the opportunity to have someone from Broughton AND ITB on your roster, you don’t pass that up,” said a source that I did not just make up.

This article does a great job of covering his career and his time with the Celtics: Meet Shavlik Randolph, Possible Missing Link For a Boston Celtics Playoff Drive

The Celtics now join the Miami Heat on the list of ITB approved NBA teams. Miami joined that list by signing Shav a few years ago. Here’s another great article on the time he spent with LeBron, Wade, and Bosh. Even after Shav left the Heat, Miami remained on the ITB approved list when they refused to play the Charlotte OTB Bobcats in Charlotte during a preseason game earlier this year. Since LeBron refuses to play in Charlotte, he asked that the game be played at Broughton. The Caps Club politely declined the request due to security reasons, citing fears that having the Heat play at Broughton would attract too many commoners. The teams finally agreed to play the game in Raleigh at the ESA, or what newcomers refer to as the “PNC Arena”. This just reinforces the fact that the Bobcats are OTB and no one likes them.

So congrats to Shav on signing a multi-year deal with the Boston Celtics. ITB looks forward to watching your success.[hr]

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