I’m against American Idol. I don’t like that a contestant’s success is based off the votes of anyone with access to a phone or the internet. You should be born into success. I only watch the first few weeks of this show so I can see all the commoners have their dreams crushed by a rock legend, a D-List session musician, and an illegal. How humiliating. The season premier aired Wednesday night and the judges sent a kid from Fayetteville, a girl from Kinston, and a girl from Charlotte through to Hollywood. All three hope to make it far in the show and leave their destitute lives behind them. No, I’m not jealous. ITB couldn’t care less about American Idol. Performing at the Queen of Hearts assembly is the only thing that matters to us. That’s when you know you’ve made it. American Idol doesn’t bother coming to Raleigh because the producers know exactly how it would play out:

Broughton kid performs in front of the rock legend, D-List session musician, and the illegal.
D-Lister: Yo dawg, dawg, dawg, dawg, dawg, dawg, dawg, dawg, dawg. Dawg.
Illegal: That was amazing.
Rock legend: Are you over 16? What’s the age of consent in NC?
Broughton kid: Thanks. I know it was amazing. I sang it. Yes, I’m 16.
D-Lister: I say yes.
Illegal: Definitely.
Rock legend: Yes. Meet me in my trailer.
All three in unison: You’re going to Hollywood!!!!
Broughton kid: What the shit? I thought this was the Queen of Hearts audition? I’m not going to Hollywood. Hollywood is for poor people who are dying to be new money famous. I don’t need that.

So yeah, they know ITB kids would scoff at the invitation to Hollywood, making the show a total failure. Someone made the following well thought out comment on my Facebook wall:

“ITB needs its own record label based in Raleigh so none of those talents have to fly out to LA. And instead of touring, they hold their locations inside the beltline also. But where though? The new amphitheater downtown is great, but not big enough due to an extremely large local (ITB) Fanbase. I would think Holiday Gym; BHS would get enough money to build on to its already domineering athletics program.”

That’s a great idea all around. Kids don’t have to leave Raleigh and Broughton gets enough money to put luxury boxes in the gym and on the Jeremy Shelley Football Field. If you pull the show together, I’ll sponsor it.

The bigger problem is that most of these American Idols from North Carolina become “successful” and end up giving us a bad name. Last night on 30 Rock they mentioned Raleigh, North Carolina by saying: “Do you think the people of Raleigh, NC, turned Clay Aiken gay? “Why not? The Bronx turned me dyslexic.” I don’t even understand the joke. Are they saying we turn people gay or that we don’t like gay people? Had he never gotten famous for losing American Idol, we wouldn’t be associated with him and jokes that I don’t understand.

Clay Aiken isn’t even the worst example. No one can make us look as bad as that illiterate moron Fantasia did. Remember when she tried to overdose on aspirin or something? How are we sure she wasn’t just reading the label on her pill bottle incorrectly? “Ughh, I’m so hungover from bein up in da club all night. I better take these aspirin. How much dat say I need be takin’? 100? Damn, that shit cray, but sounds right to me.” It’s not that I wish she died, I just wish she never existed. Her “success” on American Idol just shows other kids from High Point that if you follow your dreams, you too can be an American Idol and not have to spend your life whittling furniture.

Finley, out.

I spent the morning listening to those morons Mike and Mike on ESPN Radio and barely heard anything about Broughton, ITB, or Jeremy Shelley. So now I’m giving this story the coverage it deserves. Congratulations to Jeremy Shelley for winning the BCS National Championship game and improving the ITB and Broughton Wikipedia page. I’m not sure where we stand on naming Broughton’s football field after Jeremy Shelley, but that needs to happen before we hold the ITB Bowl (I’ll explain). Before last night, the BCS was the biggest scam in sports. Now that Broughton has a share of the title, it’s the most fair, unbiased, logical way to decide a champion in any sport. Ever.

If you didn’t watch, here’s a play by play of the entire game.
1st Half
ITB 3, LSU 0 – Shelley field goal
ITB 6, LSU 0 – Shelley field goal
ITB 9, LSU 0 – Shelley field goal
Halftime – Some guy went out to kick some field goals to win a house or car or something. He didn’t even have to kick against a defense or have a holder and he still missed every single kick. Just shows how hard it is to kick field goals, especially if you didn’t go to Broughton.
Also at halftime, ESPN proved that they’re run by a bunch of commoners who don’t want Broughton to get the credit it deserves.

2nd Half

ITB 12, LSU 0 – Shelley field goal
Missed field goal resulting from a terrible hold by the quarterback. ITB 12, LSU 0
ITB 15, LSU 0 – Shelley field goal
Game Over
Trent Richardson scored a TD in garbage time, so it doesn’t really count.

So at the end of the game, I was all ready to watch ITB get awarded the MVP. To my shock and horror, the backwoods quarterback, AJ McCarron, won the MVP. John Saunders actually congratulated AJ and gave him credit for “all those holds on the field goals”. Unbelievable. That’s like giving credit to a bartender for you getting blackout when you’re the one that put in all the hard work taking countless shots.

If it weren’t for a garbage time touchdown, Shelley would have scored ALL of the points scored in the game. If AJ McCarron were worthy of the MVP why didn’t he throw any touchdown passes? He threw for 234 yards and the majority of those were a result of incredible plays by the wide receivers. Shelley kicked field goals of 23 yards, 34 yards, 41 yards, 35 yards, and 44 yards. The only reason he missed two attempts is because the offensive line screwed up on one and the holder screwed up on the other. So I’m overriding the ridiculous decision and officially naming Jeremy Shelley the ITB MVP of the BCS National Championship game.

To prevent a mistake like this from happening again, I’m starting the ITB Bowl. After reading Death to the BCS, I’ve learned that anyone can start a bowl and make tons of money from it, while making people think you’re giving money to charity since you’re set up as a 501 (c)(3) and you don’t have to pay federal, state, and local taxes.

For example, the Sugar Bowl, which received $3 million from the Louisiana state government, brought in $34.1 million in revenue while having $22.5 million of expenses. This resulted in an $11.6 million tax-free profit, including the $3 million from taxpayer money. The Sugar Bowl gave nothing to charity. Not a cent! Ha! Nothing to the Hurricane Katrina reconstruction effort. Nothing to the New Orleans after school program. Nothing to Habitat for Humanity. Don’t feel bad for those charities. If they wanted money they should have started their own bowl game, although I doubt many people would pay to see a bunch of kids go up against some construction workers.

Spending tons of money and creating “committees” to spend that money are key to having a successful bowl. The Sugar Bowl spent,
$607,500 on compensation for the Executive Director
$494,177 on entertainment
$455,781 on special appropriations
$201,226 on gifts and bonuses
$114,666 on committee meetings
$46,017 on conference meetings

The Sugar Bowl has a “committee on golf” and a “special subcommittee on ladies’ entertainment”. All of this is legal. In 2003, bowl officials at the Music City Bowl spent $7,203 on an office miniature golf tournament. And that bowl has only received upward of a half-million dollars in public funding since 2006. So cry about it all you want, or take advantage of the system.

That’s why I’ve decided to start the ITB Bowl, which will be held at Broughton’s football stadium. I’ll hire ITB Moms, who are great at spending money they didn’t earn, to run the committees. Off the top of my head, I know we’ll need a committee for gift bags for all the players and fans, a committee for halftime entertainment, and a committee for the ITB Bowl parade through Cameron Village. I’m assuming this will include the Broughton band, since they’re good enough to be in the Rose Bowl parade every year. Entry to the game will require a limited edition Caps pass that costs $10,000, so we won’t need to worry about poor people going to the game.

I was originally thinking of having Broughton play maybe Leesville or Millbrook. Then I realized we’d have to send buses out there to pick up the kids so we could make sure all of the heathens returned to where they belong after the game is over. That’s just way too much money to waste on transportation, especially when we could be forming a committee on pre-gaming and tailgating.

So I’ve decided that Broughton will play against itself. This is very similar to the ITB Olympics where the swim team at the Club competes against itself so they don’t have to let any poor kids into the pool. To make things fair, the Broughton Varsity and Junior Varsity teams will be split so that the Varsity offense is on the same team as the JV defense, and the JV offense is paired with the Varsity defense. This way all the players who normally ride the bench will get some playing time, impressing those parents who only love their kids based on their athletic achievements. It’s a win win. I’ll need to work out more of the details over the next few months. Sure, earlier this year an internal investigation into the Fiesta Bowl detailed expense reports filed for strip-club visits and extravagant birthday parties and resulted in the dismissal of the chief executive and a nine count criminal indictment for its chief operating officer. But there’s no way this could go wrong.

I must apologize. I rarely do this, so here it is. I’m sorry. I have been unable to inform you all of ITB related issues over the last few months. This was a result of a legal dispute that meant I wasn’t allowed to write about Felson’s. Since that’s all I ever write about, I was clearly limited in what I could put on the blog. I had tons of legal teams watching my every move, ready to make me testify as an expert witness on being blackout drunk in the Felson’s case. On top of that, I found out Brad Cooper’s lawyers read ITB Insider. Definitely didn’t want to get roped in to that one and end up in prison for something I didn’t do.

While all true, those reasons are just excuses. I could have and should have been doing more to help fellow Inside the Beltline residents deal with some catastrophic events that have occurred over the last few months. The election of an OTB mayor, the closing of Felson’s (see I did it again), how to deal with the 6 idiots “occupying” Raleigh, and the destruction of Cameron Village. So here’s my attempt at covering what happened over the last 4 months. Also, in case you missed anything over the last year on ITB Insider, I’ve provided some commentary and recapped only the good and the bad, since there’s nothing ugly about ITB.

Cameron Village
The good: The Chick-Fil-A is actually being built. They finally broke ground in the parking lot of Eckerd’s (Rite Aid) and began building the only two story Chick-Fil-A in the world. They knew the ITB market would require double the space, especially since it’s located next to Broughton. I’ve heard they built an underground tunnel that connects to Broughton. Students can use the underground passage so they won’t be in danger of getting hit by the Suburbans of stay at home mothers who text and drive as they run errands in Cameron Village. This tunnel also allows for direct catering of Broughton luncheons, Senior picnics, and other events that would require gourmet efficient food (Chick-Fil-A isn’t considered “fast food” when it’s located in Cameron Village). I’ll do a full report on Chick-Fil-A in the coming months. I still am in disbelief that this thing actually exists. I never thought I’d see the day that we’d be able to eat Chick-Fil-A without leaving inside the beltline.

The bad: The destruction of Cameron Village. The Ballantine’s and the Village Citgo, the most expensive and elite gas station in Raleigh, were torn down to make way for some crappy 282 unit apartment building that’s being built by a company from Charlotte. Yes, Charlotte. This company, Crescent Resources, went bankrupt a few years ago. Somehow they’re back in business and are turning this piece of hallowed ground into a commoner hotel. It’d be one thing to put condos up, but apartments are unacceptable. You know who lives in apartments? Kids that have parents who can’t afford to buy them a condo. That’s who.

I’m just assuming they won’t do background checks on the heathens that rent these, which just contributes to our immigration problem. That’s right, people from other cities and states, moving ITB and thinking they own the place. This building is going to make traffic in Cameron Village even worse. You know who doesn’t mind traffic? People from Cary. They love traffic. That’s why Cary Crossroads is such a poorly designed shopping center. Bad traffic and cheap rent means those Cary heathens will be attracted to this apartment building like Broughton kids to Village Deli (and eventually the ITB Chick-Fil-A). I don’t want to blow this out of proportion, but the destruction of Cameron Village is our 9/11.

Felson’s Died, ITB residents Took Their Talents to The Point
Oh wow, the Felson’s story picks up right after a 9/11 reference. What a coincidence. Well, it finally closed. For real this time. No, seriously, it’s gone. At first, I wanted to blame Harris Teeter, but I’m sick of blaming them. They basically put up the money (lost it in a court case) to make Felson’s as awesome as it was. It was the owner who couldn’t pay the damn bills and keep this mecca for us over privileged in business. Forcing Felson’s to pay $30,450 for illegally playing Usher and other songs was just kicking them while they were already down and out. After being contacted by lawyers working on one of the countless lawsuits they were involved in, I have tons of material to put in the ITB book. Court documents, affidavits, “fact finding” e-mails about the “bad smell”, inquiries on partnering with ITB Insider, the list goes on. It’ll probably take up a whole chapter.

I’m still shocked that they couldn’t run a damn business in Cameron Village when stores like 10,000 Villages manage to stay open by selling crap that some tribesman made out of grass and mud. Give me a damn break. Whatever, I was sick of subsidizing their bar with my ridiculous bar tabs each weekend. This was a one way relationship for way too long. Felson’s, you had me at jäger bombs and ITB elitism, but lost me at G105 St. Patrick’s Day parking lot party. Sorry, it’s not me, it’s you.

Webb Simpson Crushes Entire PGA Field
The good: Webb dominated the PGA this year. Finished 2nd in the FedEx Cup.
The bad: Broughton still doesn’t have its own golf course. We need Raleigh to let us buy Fred Fletcher park and turn it into at least a Par 3 course. I’ll work on it.

Obama Repeatedly Visits ITB in Search of Ways To Save America
Obama came to Durham to encourage those morons to try to get jobs or something. He realized that was a waste of time, which is why he came to Broughton. I’m sure he thought he could figure out how to fix the rest of the nation by learning more about us, since the recession didn’t affect inside the beltline.

Steve Jobs Died
Find someone right now that doesn’t own an Apple product. You can’t, especially inside the beltline, where we give kids iPads for getting good grades on…..actually no, just for showing up to class. He created the iPhone, which was the ultimate status symbol in 2008. Years from now, when people in Garner or Cary can finally afford iPhones, the impact he had on the world will truly be realized.

The Point
The good: The Point still exists as a place for us to get blackout and not worry about running in to people we don’t know.
The bad: There’s no dance floor. Come on guys, move the damn video games and make a dance floor. Or move those stupid tables out of the way in the “restaurant” area and put in a dance floor. We all know that the dance floor is one of the most critical parts of hooking up. Don’t deny us this right. It’s discriminatory.

New Mayor
The good: It’s not Meeker.
The bad: She’s from outside the beltline.

Moron From GQ Ranks Raleigh 35th on Worst Dressed Cities in America List

35. Raleigh – If you’re in Raleigh, your shit better have pleats. It’s basically the town’s mascot. And here’s it’s unofficial motto: “The world is your golf course.” Southern bankers cruise from home to work and back home to change out of their off-the-rack, BOGO suits and into amoeboid polo shirts and hippy trousers. It’s a great city to swoop in for the kill at happy hour. Girls in these bars have never seen a tailored anything, so it’s easy to turn a head.—Andrew Richdale

Who told you about our unofficial motto? That’s our word. Also, we don’t buy off-the-rack. Just because Jos. A Bank constantly advertises their buy two suits get 3 shirts, 5 pairs of socks, 2 belts, 7 pairs of pants, and 9 ties free deal doesn’t mean we’re buying them. Why do you think they’re trying to get rid of so much inventory?

Clearly you didn’t go to The Point while researching your “article”. I bet you were down at the Oxford, impressing all those commoners with your multisyllabic banter. “I write for GQ and changed my name to sound like I’m rich. Wanna come see my 400 square foot apartment in New York? I’ll make sure my 4 roommates aren’t there.” gtfo.

Occupy Wall Street/Occupy Raleigh
Every time I sat down to write a post, I read an article about these idiots, became furious half way through, then went and made large purchases with my parents’ credit card to support corporations and the big banks. I didn’t want to give these people any attention during the media frenzy. I’ll devote a post to this eventually.

Canterbury House Fire
The good: No one was hurt.
The bad: Now we’ve got to worry about more ITB arsonists.

NCSU
The good: Your basketball coach lives ITB and his kid goes to Broughton.
The bad: He still has to compete with Coach K and Roy.

UNC
The good: Penn State went overboard and trumped your little scandal with the Sandusky scandal.
The bad: You’re still not out of the water. More news from the NCAA should come in the next two weeks.

Duke
The good: Nothing.
The bad: You’re Duke.

Raleigh Is the Best City in America
More to come on this story soon. I’m not happy about this.

ITB Insider
The good: The March Madness Tournament was one of the most successful ideas this site has ever come up with. It basically covered all the important parts of ITB and settled some age old debates regarding the ITBness of certain people, places, and things. The Brad Cooper trial post also got a lot of attention. Mainly because ITBers like reading stories about people from Cary getting screwed.

The bad: Going four months without addressing the inside the beltline faithful is unacceptable and I apologize. This book is taking up a huge amount of my waking hours. It doesn’t help that my waking hours are about half that of a normal person, due to my excessive partying. I promise to give back to the community more this year. I’ll leave you with a recap of the past year, along with a few of my favorite comments.

Got a nice e-mail from a former potential Camp Counselor.

White Man’s Firewater Gets Best of Indian…Again
Some commoner from OTB tried to kill us. I made fun of him. Some people got mad.

“I am almost, nay, I am FUCKING positive that my father is the most powerful lawyer in North Carolina (Super Laywer 6 years in a row – and if you don’t know what this magazine or honor is, then you are clearly a GDI and should not read further) and he resides in Fayetteville. I am pretty sure that he can without a doubt buy you and your entire family as fucking jesters for his living room as he drinks imported Scotch that is aged well over 50 years. Lumberton is the grundle of the State, next to Greenville, no doubt. But to lose focus that there is an area of Fayetteville that FAR exceeds some places in Raleigh (even ITB) is completely ridiculous. Shall I add that I live in a well established area ITB that is payed for by him as well. And lets not fail to throw in the fact that the $3.7MM beach house on Harbors Island in Wrightsville will just accompany all this as well. So GFY (also known as Go Fuck Yourself)
joker, April 25, 2011”

I’m glad your father is the best “laywer” in whatever crap town you’re from. Here inside the beltline, we prefer to have actual “lawyers” defending us.

We Didn’t Start the Fire
I assumed someone from outside the beltline was trying to put a jihad on Broughton. I thought it might be some jealous bastard from Myers Park.

ITB March Madness Tournament
We intentionally left off a few matchups because the winner was too obvious. Things like living in Cary v. killing yourself, going to a parking lot party with G105 commoners v. drinking by yourself, Myers Park v. Country Club Hills, etc.

ITB March Madness Round 1 Winners

ITB March Madness Round 2 Winners

ITB March Madness Round 3 Winners

ITB March Madness Sweet 16 and Elitist 8

ITB March Madness The Final Four

The Championship Game

Hangin’ with Mr. Cooper

My favorite comment from this post was:

“Bravo, bravo Will Need! May I ask where you obtained your web sleuthing degree from? Campbell University? UNC? Yale? Which law school was it? Oh….ITB….SHAW! My bad.
You should definitely apply down at the Cary PD. They need some know-it-alls down there to help with all of this OBVIOUS evidence. So sorry we didn’t have you before!
Now if’ you’ll excuse me, I gotta get. Going to walk up to the local library to teach myself how to read so I can hopefully get me one of them there drivers licenses. These dang outside of the beltline schools here in Wake County just pushed me on through all 12 grades! How bout them there apples???
Thanks for letting me post…..PRICK.
Jay Martin, May 9, 2011”

Thanks for the comment Jay, but you’re from Cary. You don’t matter. That’s all. No long rant needed. You’re not worth my time. You. don’t. matter.

ITB Middle Schooler Extorts Girls for iPad2

Father’s Day
Thank you for letting me tell everyone that all I do is close seven figure deals and follow Phish and Widespread on tour, when in reality I don’t even have the signature authority to buy so much as a piece of paper for the office.

ITB+
I’m creating the exclusive ITB+ so that we can continue to only socialize with people we already know and grew up with.

Beltline Exploitation
It’s misleading to claim that you are taking me on a beltline brew tour, when you’re actually planning to take me to a brewery in Durham for three hours. That’s considered kidnapping in most states.

Fighting for our rights
I can’t count the number of times I’ve wanted to sue my parents for improper parenting.

Being an overprivileged child obviously has its perks. However, we often times aren’t taken seriously because others assume we live in a “bubble” where we are unaffected by the hardships that normal people face. Hardships like having to make your own lunch for school, or not getting presents every day during your birth month. Just because we don’t share the same problems as normal people, doesn’t mean we shouldn’t be allowed to fight for our privileges in the court of law. Two adults in Chicago recently tried to fight this injustice.

Raised in a $1.5 million Barrington Hills, Ill., home, two grown children have spent two years pursuing a lawsuit against their mom for “bad mothering” that alleges damages caused when she failed to buy toys for one and sent another a birthday card he didn’t like. Represented by their father, an attorney, the children sued their mother, Kimberly Garrity, for more than $50,000 for “emotional distress.”
Among the exhibits filed in the case is a birthday card Garrity sent her son, who in his lawsuit sought damages because the card was “inappropriate” and failed to include cash or a check.
On the front of the American Greetings card is a picture of tomatoes spread across a table that are indistinguishable except for one in the middle with craft-store googly eyes attached.
“Son I got you this Birthday card because it’s just like you … different from all the rest!” the card reads. On the inside Garrity wrote “Have a great day! Love & Hugs, Mom xoxoxo.”
He also alleged she failed to send a card for years or, while he was in college, care packages.

Genius. This lawsuit is pure genius. I can’t count the number of times I’ve wanted to sue my parents for improper parenting. It’s about time we started holding parents accountable for trying to give us birthday cards without cash or checks in them.

Other alleged offenses include failing to take her daughter to a car show, telling her then 7-year-old son to buckle his seat belt or she would contact police, “haggling” over the amount to spend on party dresses and calling her daughter at midnight to ask that she return home from celebrating homecoming.

Calling her daughter while she’s out partying on homecoming? The nerve some people have is just unbelievable. My Mom had similar arguments with my sister over things like her 3:00 am curfew, why she was on birth control at the age of 12, and why she never went to school on B days. But at least Mom knew better than to ask my sister to come home on the night of Homecoming or Queen of Hearts.

“It would be laughable that these children of privilege would sue their mother for emotional distress, if the consequences were not so deadly serious for Garrity,” Smith wrote. “There is no insurance for this claim, so Garrity must pay her legal fees, while the children have their father for free.”

You’d think after years of not including money in birthday cards she would have saved enough to cover these legal fees. If she were smart, she would have married another lawyer.

The court dismissed the case, finding that none of the mother’s conduct was “extreme or outrageous.” To rule in favor of her children, the court found, “could potentially open the floodgates to subject family childrearing to … excessive judicial scrutiny and interference.”

This is why I’ve been calling for tort reform since I was 14 years old, when my parents donated four of our football season tickets to charity, leaving me with only two season tickets. I can understand donating tickets to one game, but a whole season? Come on. They should have spent at least six months in solitary confinement for that.

This case being thrown out is a perfect example of two overprivileged kids not being taken seriously because normal people don’t understand what it’s like to be deprived of an affluent standard of living. It’s like if you feed a normal person soup every night for dinner, but then you switch it up and just feed them warm broth, they’re not going to notice. But when you replace my standard cash filled birthday card with an “I love you! Xoxoxo” note, I’m going to flip my shit.

We have got to start protecting our rights as overprivileged children. Since I have great lawyers, I’m going to give this lawsuit a shot in Wake County. Call me “overprivileged” or “out of touch with reality.” I don’t care. I’m simply a product of my environment. It’s not my fault that I was raised to only look out for myself and screw others over whenever possible. Filing lawsuits like these are the only way people are going to start taking us seriously.

Some people will do anything to align themselves with greatness, even if it means blatantly lying about who they really are. A few months ago I got an e-mail from the Beltline Brew Tours company, which is a company that runs private tours that travel to breweries across the Triangle. However, the majority of the breweries on the “Beltline Brew Tours” aren’t even inside the beltline, or even in Raleigh. I won’t stand for outsiders exploiting the iconic beltline to increase their business. But if they’re going to do it, I’m going to try to cash in as well. I got a second email from them last week, so I finally took action and contacted them.

From: William Needham Finley IV
To: info@beltlinebrewtours.com
Date: Thu, Aug 4, 2011 at 11:42 AM
Subject: Advertising on ITB Insider

Dear Beltline Brew Tours,

Somehow I ended up on your mailing list. I’m pretty sure I didn’t sign up for it, because I have never heard of you before now. I have yet to attend one of your “Beltline Brew Tours”. How many of the tours are for breweries located inside the beltline? It’s misleading to claim that you are taking me on a beltline brew tour, when you’re actually planning to take me to a brewery in Durham for three hours. That’s considered kidnapping in most states. If you don’t plan on doing tours exclusively inside the beltline, I suggest you change your name to “OTB Brew Tours” or “Outside the Beltline Brew Tours” or just “Poor Brew Tours” because those are all synonymous with each other.

I own ITBInsider.com, which is the most popular website for socialites living in Raleigh. Let me know if you’re interested in advertising on my site. I take cash, credit, or a lifetime pass to go on brew tours that are actually located inside the beltline.

–
William Needham Finley IV

Their reply

From: info@beltlinebrewtours.com
To: William Needham Finley IV <raleighitb@gmail.com>
Date: Thu, Aug 4, 2011 at 12:06 PM
Subject: Re: Advertising on ITB Insider

William,

Thank you for your email.  We apologize for having you on a mailing list for information you do not wish to receive.  We will take you off of the list today and we will not send any further information.

As for the Beltline comments/questions, we give tours of 3 Raleigh breweries.  One of which, Natty Greene’s, is inside the beltline.  Also, we do not say or advertise that our tour will consist of breweries only “inside” the beltline.  We hope that this clears up any confusion that you may have concerning our tours and company name.  Thank your for your email and we wish you continued success in your endeavours.

Cheers!

Beltline Brew Tours

My response,

From: raleighitb@gmail.com
To: info@beltlinebrewtours.com
Date: Thu, Aug 4, 2011 at 12:42 PM
Subject: Re: Advertising on ITB Insider

Beltline Brew Tours,

Don’t apologize. You can keep sending me e-mails. To me, the beltline has always been the great divider for our city. Inside being good, outside being, well….words can’t really describe what outside the beltline is like. I’m not saying your name is a deliberate attempt at false advertising, I’m just saying a lot of people that I know would begin to hyperventilate, and possibly pass out, if they were on a bus that ended up taking them to Durham for a brew tour.

One possible solution would be to drive your bus to these OTB breweries, take some pictures/video, load up a few kegs of their beer, drive back to Raleigh, set up a video projector and the kegs, then let people do a virtual tour of the brewery while they sit safely at a bar inside the beltline, like Crowley’s.

Another solution, that you might not want to tell people about, is that these types of beer are sold at Harris Teeter and the Fresh Market. Your business model might take a hit if word got out that people could actually buy these beers in Cameron Village and then drink them wherever they wanted to inside the beltline.

Why isn’t Big Boss, Boylan Bridge Brew Pub, or Crowley’s on your list of tours? Adding a few more ITB breweries would increase your sales by at least 2,000%, and that’s just a rough estimate.

Again, if you’d like to take advantage of the wealth of disposable income among the young professional inside the beltline crowd, just let me know. If you choose not to, then you’re going to need to change your name, immediately. Don’t make me call my Dad.

-WNFIV

They haven’t replied yet. Probably because I blew their business model out of the water when I told them that people can buy beer at grocery stores. Some people just aren’t cut out for the business world. One thing is for certain, they won’t be doing any brew tours at Felson’s anytime soon, or ever.