Fortunately, the State Fair ended last weekend. Apparently, the fair used to be a high-class event. However, I refuse to ever return to the State Fair after finding out the fairgrounds are located outside the beltline. For those of you lucky enough to have never attended this mass gathering of mullets and wife-beaters (both kinds), let me elaborate as to why I no longer attend. To begin with, the fair is a two week event that attracts commoners from miles around. These heathens park in a pasture near the fairgrounds, only consume foods that have been deep fried, and use cans of food as a form of payment to enter. These canned goods are then redistributed to other poor people. Sounds like socialism to me, although I’m not exactly sure what socialism is, I just know I’m not supposed to agree with it.

A standard fair-going family, despicable.

The worst part of the State Fair are the workers, or “carnies” for the purposes of this post. These carnies are basically the Harlem Globetrotters of homeless people. Carnies travel from town to town displaying some sort of “skill” that is worthless in the real world but still enables them to swindle people like me out of my money. Ninety percent of these carnies are either high on crystal meth, about to be high on crystal meth, or are just crashing down from their high on crystal meth. The other ten percent are too drunk to even attempt to do crystal meth. This means that all of the rides at the fair are death traps, literally. Having a carnie put together a tetanus filled ride after doing meth is more dangerous than me spending an hour by myself with the gel heads at White Collar Crime.

A Carnie on meth “operating” a tetanus filled ride.

Instead of learning how to conjugate verbs, carnies spend their formative years learning “trade secrets” such as slight of hand, stealing wallets, losing their teeth, and making me want to spend $150 to knock over a stack of milk bottles with a lopsided softball. This type of upbringing leaves no room for a real education. How can you possibly get a good education without going to a school where your parents tell your teachers what to do and get you out of trouble for blatantly cheating on that paper in 10th grade, your Senior English project, and every single Latin test you took? Seeing a carnie try to trailer-school (the carnie version of home-school) their kids is like watching a gel head trying to fit in at Felson’s, it’s almost sad, almost.

Rusty taking a break from trailer-schooling Rusty Jr. on how to convince fair-goers that the basketball rims are bigger than the basketballs themselves.

A lack of education combined with a mastery of the tricks of the trade enable carnies to easily swindle ITBers out of their hard-earned allowances. When I used to attend the fair, I would waste thousands of dollars trying to beat those stupid fair games just to show up the carnies. I finally realized that if I wanted to spend 3 hours getting ripped off by some commoner I should just spend a night ordering drinks at the lower bar of Felson’s. Since I never could win any of the fair games I’m proposing that a new fair be created and held at Cameron Village. Of course the games and attractions will have to be ITBified. The ITB fair will have games like “shoot scalding hot water at the commoner” to replace that shitty game at the fair where you shoot water at a target until some pathetic NASCAR replica car crosses a finish line. “Throw darts at the gel head” would be a good substitute for throwing darts at those boring balloons. Instead of carnies guessing your weight, age, or birthday month, the ITB fair would have someone guess the value of your trust fund, what year you first started going to Crowley’s, and what your zip code is. Instead of showing off overgrown vegetables, participants will be able to show off the previous weekend’s bar tabs and boast about how high they are. And finally, to avoid making the entire fair smell like a barn, instead of having livestock and animal races we would just have black and yellow labs race around the Broughton track. We would have to do something about the oversized-lice-infested-cartoon-character stuffed prizes as well. Our prizes would be much more valuable, I’m open to suggestions.

The general public loves the side shows and freak shows at the State Fair, mainly because they’re retarded and are entertained by almost anything. The ITB Fair freak shows would have to consist of things that are equally as astonishing to typical residents. Fair-goers could walk through horrifying shows that presented a day in the life of an OTB resident. Viewing a living room that only has basic cable and a non-HD television would be a jaw dropping sight. A car that costs less than $50,000 would be on display for residents to marvel at and wonder how anyone could drive around in a vehicle that doesn’t have televisions and built in DVD players. A chart of the current Dow Jones Average is sure to shock any inside the beltline resident as well. Feel free to add fair attractions that I may have forgotten about, it’s been so long since my parents dragged me out there against my will.

Note: The reason I waited until today to post this was so that I wouldn’t accidentally encourage anyone to actually attend the State Fair. I would hate for this guy to make a profit off of anyone else.

Two jager bombs in one cup was the only way I got through a night spent at Solas. I was dragged to this dump last week for a friend’s birthday. Of course, I only went to Gelwood South on the condition that we ate dinner at Sullivan’s. Around 10:00pm, after paying for my triple digit dinner, a group decision was made to go to Solas. I protested, but was overruled by my whipped friend because it was his girlfriend’s birthday. A compromise was made and we agreed to only stay for two hours. I can’t stand going to places where I don’t know at least 95% of the people, so obviously Solas was going to be the worst bar ever. My countdown until when we could leave for Felson’s began. Two hours until normalcy.

I must admit that, as we approached Solas, the valet stand outside made a good first impression. However, the pin-striped-suit-ear piece-wearing bouncer quickly ruined that by asking me to pay the $10 cover to enter. Paying $10 doesn’t bother me. My problem with covers is that they essentially mean “anyone with “x” amount of dollars can enter.” In order to deny commoners entry, covers should always be at least $100. Everyone knows a gel-head will gladly cut back on a few bottles of “product,” in order to pay a $10 cover, as long as he gets a chance to flamboyantly parade around in a graphic t-shirt and designer jeans, while leaving behind the stench of shitty cologne from Express for Men. A $100 cover, however, is out of the question for a gel head. Not only was I asked to pay a cover, but my hand was stamped with a red “Solas” logo as well. I assured them that I didn’t need a stamp because once I left, I was never going to return. They did it anyway. I went to the restroom to wash the disgusting endorsement-stamp off of my hand and also to check and see how concealed the bathroom stalls were. If this really was a “big-city” type club like everyone says, they should have full length stall doors and drug dispensers in the bathrooms. Not only did they not have any drug dispensers, they actually have hair gel dispensers that are located between the hand dryers and a machine that dispenses Axe Body spray. I spent 10 minutes waiting in line for the hand dryer that was being blocked by 4 oversized gel heads who were re-gelling. Unbelievable. 1 hour 50 minutes until normalcy, and normal bathrooms.

Since I can’t handle being in a new environment without being blackout, I headed straight to the bar where I was amazed to find that for $9 you can buy what amounts to a double jager bomb, which was the only thing that made the night bearable. I was about 5 jager bombs deep when I approached an attractive female and asked the obvious “Are you ITB?” For some reason, she had no idea what I was talking about. “What is your zip code?” Still no response. I proceeded with, “You know, Broughton, Village Deli, Harris Teeter, The Club, wealth, elitism?” She replied, “Sorry, I’m from Atlanta.” I went on to tell her just how sorry she really was and that she was a nobody, which is probably what caused her to walk away in what some would call “disgust.” 1 hour 23 minutes until normalcy, and girls that give ITB establishments the respect they deserve.

After wasting time talking to that commoner, I took a few jager bombs by myself and began to take a lap through the black hole that was a result of the gel-heads’ dark clothing. For some reason, couches were set up inside semi-transparent curtains that hung from the ceiling to form what appeared to be small areas where people could sit and converse with each other. I’ve never understood why anyone would try to carry on a real conversation at a bar. I’m not going to remember any of it by the next day, why bother? These couches were clearly going to get in my way after a few more jager bombs and the inevitable loss of my motor skills. I leaned up against one of the unused couches and was approached by a metrosexual waiter who informed me that it costs $500 to even be near these couches. To spite this loser and the other patrons, I spent $8,000 reserving all of these couches. It was worth it to lean on my new couch and watch the commoners huddle near the dance floor and try to converse with each other over the blaring techno music. 1 hour 2 minutes until normalcy, and booths I can sit in without having to have real conversations with others.

I left my couch and headed to the dance floor, drink in hand, hoping to find someone who knew who I was. I was stopped by another bouncer and told that I couldn’t have drinks on the dance floor since it was made of glass and has been broken at least three times by people dropping their drinks. Disgusted at the lack of a real dance floor, I returned to the bar. 53 minutes until normalcy, and a dance floor that I can carelessly drop my beer bottles on with no regard for the safety of others.

Back at the bar I noticed a lot of older people that looked to be in their late 30s. It wasn’t the normal late 30s crowd that I respect because they went to Broughton, even though it is sort of odd that they still try to hook up with girls that are 20 years younger than them. I didn’t recognize any of these old people, so I continued on to the bar for more bombs. 48 minutes until normalcy, and older people who I can reminisce about Broughton with.

People have been raving about the “exclusive rooftop bar” so I decided I should obviously be seen up there. At about 15 jager bombs deep, I attempted to climb the three flights of stairs so that I could literally look down on the Gelwood South commoners from the rooftop bar. I only made it up the first set of stairs before collapsing. How was I supposed to make it up three flights of steps when I was more blackout than Terry Schiavo? After being conditioned to only walk up one flight of stairs to get to the 2nd floor bar at Felson’s, the thought of two more flights nearly put me in a coma. My ITB friend found me and helped me up to the third floor where we were stopped by another bouncer. Apparently, the third floor was “VIP” that night which meant we had to give the guy another $20. I stumbled right by him anyway, at which point he frantically contacted the other bouncers through their completely unnecessary ear-pieces and said, “Come get this kid who can’t even stand up, he’s yelling something about gel heads, commoners, and belts, he’s about to get his ass kicked.” They arrived instantly and began to brutally remove me from the bar as I demanded that they “get their damn common hands off me” before “I get my parents’ lawyers to sue you” adding “this shirt is worth more than your life, don’t get any gel on it!” The 27 minutes that I had until I could leave for Felson’s quickly went down to zero as I was literally thrown out onto Gelwood South. I got up and made one of the rickshaw drivers take me to Cameron Village. He almost passed out from exhaustion by the time we got there, but I’m sure it was worth the $5 tip I gave him. At least I was finally at Felson’s, where not being able to stand on your own two feet is not only accepted, but highly encouraged.

Note: After my miserable night at Solas, I’ve decided to put them out of business. You can help by going to the website, clicking on “Reservation” or this link and reserving a table for however many people you’d like. When it’s time to attend Solas for your dinner, you simply don’t show up. They ban you from using this service if you “no-show” more than 4 times in a 12 month period. But if enough of my ITB friends do this, we can book the restaurant for at least a few months, not show up, and cause them to go out of business. I’m not sure how many tables they have, so you should probably make a reservation for between 8 and 20 people in order to take up space. Please contribute to this cause.

I’ve recently come across some shocking news. There has been talk of paving over the front lawn of Broughton to add more student parking. Basically, the school administrators want to pave over the grass in front of Broughton to increase the amount of parking spaces. I have seen at least 13 articles (some on the front page) on this topic in the last 2 weeks, some of which I’ve listed below.

A Push to Save the Lawn
Waiting for a decision on Broughton
Alumni Save Broughton Lawn
Education’s Epitome – Letter
Being Broughton – Letter – JR Band Teacher
Money and Mouths - Letter
Wake to appeal BHS parking Decision
Broughton High to appeal parking lot denial
Paradise paved, a long time ago
Broughton grads, students take competing claims
Council Delays acting on Broughton Proposal
Council Holds off on Taking Action

It’s great to see the N&O and WRAL focusing on such an important issue, that really is coverage you can count on. Many residents have left comments on these articles, which you can view here. None of them are actually important, but I’ve listed a few unedited, real comments below. I felt it was my duty as an ITB resident to provide a response.

“WOW…so a group of 12 people who are not even currently involved in the school but have a lot of money and influence can stop a decision made by current parents and PTSA?? Hmmm….Is there a “special” connection between Broughton alumni and city council members???? I believe in using all of your connections when you need help, but this seems to be a bit over the top doesn’t it?”

Over the top? Not at all. BHS alums call the shots when it comes to BHS related decisions that normally are made by the City Council. You shouldn’t be surprised that 12 ITB BHS parents got this decision changed. This is nothing compared to the time those 9 ITB BHS parents (including my aunt) forced the City Council to reject a plan to put a Wal-Mart inside the beltline.

“Goes to show it is all about who you are and who you know ITB…”

I live by this principle. I couldn’t agree more and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

“…A better option would be to install bike racks…I don’t know the demographics of the student population but would fathom to guess that most come from inside the beltline. For the majority of students that is a bike ride of less than three miles or approximately 15 minutes. I have traveled through Europe during the school year and noticed at the schools racks upon racks of bicycles. If European kids can ride their bikes to school, why can’t American kids?”

Because we aren’t gay. Europe sucks, it’s the worst country in the world. Ride bikes…that’s hilarious. Where am I going to hold my cup from Village Deli or Bojangles if I’m riding a bike? Also, who ever heard of hot boxing a bike? That’s not even possible.

“Since when did it become a God-given right for students to drive their own cars to school? Ride the bus!”

Since they were born ITB. Ride the bus? Are you retarded? Busses are for people who can’t afford gas.

“PAve everything make is easier to get to school. Who cares about someone that graduated over 50 years ago, good play with your friends in the nursing home.” – posted by bobbyj

Bobby, it’s great to see that your Leesville education is finally paying off. I can already tell that you’ll go far in life. Please keep posting comments on the Internet so everyone can see how worthless OTB residents are…at everything.

“…I haven’t heard a single lawn proponent who has invested as much heart and time into making that school what it is as the decades-long faculty and administrators who support the lot plan. Let’s defer this decision to those who are actually close to the situation.” – posted by dmccall

Let’s not. Haven’t you realized by now that the “decades-long faculty and administrators” are only there to do whatever the parents who write the biggest checks tell them to do? How the hell do you think I passed Chemistry, Calculus, Biology, AP U.S. History, Latin I, Latin II, Latin III, Latin IV (I still don’t even know what “Latin” means) Gym, AP Physics, AP English, Auto Shop, and Geometry?

“We must have a place for junior’s BMW or ‘Vette. the cannot park off street!!! oh, and junior, take a bus with those low life commoners-out of the question. Ruin the front yard so junior can park his jewel-NOT IN THIS LIFETIME. Or better yet, let’s call Raleigh the “CITY OF ROADS” and just pave everything. Get real-the school board needs to worry about educating children instead of parking lots and fees for parking lots!!!! Sounds like some misguided priorities to me.” – posted by tgw

Finally, someone with some sense.

“…Some kids like mine do use the CAT bus in the pm because there is not a school bus that goes near our residence… He has a 45 min.to an hour wait everyday… Additional parking would help keep the kids… One other solution might be to incorporate more CAT bus routes in that area to increase ridership.”

HAHAHAHA. This kid actually rides the bus! The CAT bus! I don’t understand why everyone keeps suggesting we utilize the mass transit that was paid for by our tax dollars. What a loser.

“its not like paving the grounds will destroy the looks of the school. its one of the most depressing buildings i have ever seen.” – shortcake53

Two words shortcake: kill yourself.

As you can see, many people have wasted time leaving their ignorant comments on these articles. I drive by Broughton every day on the way to work at 11:00am, even though it’s completely out of my way, and I refuse to have a parking lot obstruct my view of the glorious BHS façade. I wasn’t going to protest this proposal because I don’t know how to navigate downtown Raleigh, which is where the City Council meeting was held. Thanks to some Broughton alums from the 1950s and 1960s, the proposal to pave the lot was rejected, turns out old people aren’t as worthless as I had once thought. Below are unedited excerpts from an actual e-mail sent by an alum from the class of 1964.

“Hello everyone!
I am writing to folks other than my own class who have called/emailed me recently. I wanted to give you the latest - it’s not particularly good. Bear with me if you already know some/all of this.

The Planning Commission…voted to recommend against putting the parking lot on the front lawn. Great for us. Because it was a split vote…it has to go to Raleigh City Council for consideration by law…

Next step: City Council will hear this matter THIS COMING TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 16, AT 1:00 IN THE COUNCIL CHAMBERS (222 W. Hargett Street, Room 201)…

…This is NOT a public hearing. That means no speakers from the public. HOWEVER, there’s some slim possibility the mayor would open it up anyway. And, we are informed the PTSA group is “up in arms” about the decision” (understandably so) and will be in attendance in force. SO SHOULD WE! Just in the off chance that the meeting IS opened up, we should have folks there who could speak to this issue. I definitely plan to be there and will be prepared to speak if necessary. If you can come, great! I don’t know how to get in touch with some of the speakers from Tuesday like Ed Berryhill and Ed Jones. If you folks can get word to them, great.

The other possibility of sharing thoughts with the City Council through email. At first I was a little cautious about that, but now I plan to write. My approach is acknowledging there is a parking problem, that there are plenty of students who have no choice but to drive, finding solutions that don’t involve the front lawn…

…You can go to www.raleighnc.gov and click on City Council… at the bottom of the page is a list of the Council members and how to reach them. This would be a legal way to get our opinions in front of them absent the opportunity to speak publicly. All you lawyers (”influential Raleigh citizens” that the paper keeps referring to) and others whose names are known in Raleigh — have at it!

Thanks for listening.
——————— Class of 1964″

Thanks alums, but you didn’t solve the problem. Broughton is quickly becoming overrun by commoners from OTB, and even worse, some from OTOB (outside the outer-beltline aka the 540 loop). It’s been a disaster ever since BHS became an IB magnet school. I don’t even know what International Baccalaureate means. I’m guessing it has something to do with broadening a student’s horizons and encouraging them to think globally, two things that should never be taught at Broughton. Becoming a magnet school meant an increase in students, which has ruined the parking situation. Before I could drive, my Mom picked me up from school everyday after her tennis lesson and lunch at the Club. Once I got my new SUV, I could drive to school and park in my spots at Kip-Dell and York (two $400 a spot parking lots that are exclusive as shit). My spot at Kip-Dell was for parking and the one at York, which is across the street from Broughton, allowed me to sit in my car when I didn’t feel like going to class. If these OTBers weren’t so poor and in need of having dual incomes, the moms could pick up their kids, decreasing the number of OTBers that were driving to school and wasting valuable parking spaces.

To solve this problem, I’m suggesting that all ITB SUVs and BMWs/Mercedes be marked with the coveted “ITB” oval sticker, after students complete their application for it of course. Then, we just tow away the cars that don’t have the sticker or cars that are pieces of shit, because not having the ITB sticker and your car being a piece of shit is obviously mutually inclusive. Since OTBers won’t be able to afford the cost of getting their cars back from the towing companies, we will be able to segregate the ITB residents (people with cars) from the OTB residents (commoners without cars). These students can enjoy the 30 minute ride back to their OTB or OTOB “homes” by those buses that their parents have been raving about. If this doesn’t work, we can always price gouge (a classic ITB move) the spots so that only ITB students could afford them.

If we still need some more spaces, Broughton raises close to $500,000 a year in it’s capital fund, 100% of that comes from ITB families. We can use this money to build a parking deck wherever we want, or buy those decrepit condos next to BHS, tear them down, and let ITB students park there.

This situation has shown how much pull BHS alums have and how they use said pull on only the most important issues, meaning issues related to Broughton. BHS alums don’t have to get elected to the City Council to influence these types of decisions. Why waste all that time and money campaigning, talking to people, and listening to the concerns of residents in order to get elected when you can just speak up whenever you’ve got a problem with something and have everyone immediately do what you tell them? When BHS alums say “jump” the City Council should say “Off of which building?” Sure, City Council members spend all their time thinking about ways to solve Raleigh’s problems, but when it comes to deciding on ITB related changes, we can always count on the BHS alums to set aside some time from being exclusive to ensure that BHS interests are always taken care of, even if the alums are in no way affected by the issue at hand. I’d hate to see someone with new ideas or good solutions actually get away with implementing them inside the beltline. I’m glad we aren’t wasting tax money trying to solve “real” problems in Raleigh.

It is finished. Last week, the new Raleigh Convention Center opened downtown. It wasn’t a good Friday to host this grand opening, the weather was poor, but that didn’t stop city officials from continuing on with the ceremony. They really had no choice, considering that Raleigh has been faithfully awaiting this second coming for over five years. Unable to contain their excitement about the prospect of a new convention center saving downtown Raleigh, residents created an event called “Raleigh Wide Open” for the sole purpose of announcing that Raleigh was going to build this new center. At this announcement, city officials claimed that by adding a few new hotels, a 33 story tall building, a bunch of gel-head infested condos, and this convention center; Raleigh’s problems past, present, and future would all be solved. At first, I wasn’t sure what everyone was so excited about. I thought the convention center was just used to host Broughton graduations, Broughton proms, the Deb Ball, boat shows (I’m not going to leave ITB just to get a boat, dealers can bring them to me), and ITB related events. What other purpose does a convention center serve?

Desperately wanting to demonstrate their faith and dedication to this convention center, Raleigh residents held the same event the following year, creatively named “Raleigh Wide Open II.” I don’t know what happened during this event, but I’m guessing it was a typical “downtown commoner-fest” which for those of you who don’t know, usually consists of Crocs-wearing losers roaming around downtown looking at shitty “art” created by Raleigh residents, while other jean short-wearing socialists try to spread their message of cultural diversity and acceptance of others to anyone that’s stupid enough to listen to the opinions of others. All this takes place while some miserable indie band tries to peddle their new CD by playing a “concert” in the middle of Moore Square. This event had nothing to do with the convention center.

Finally, this past Friday, “Raleigh Wide Open III,” a 36-hour event dedicated to the resurrection and second coming of the new convention center, took place in the middle of Fayetteville Street. I would have attended, but I don’t care about the convention center or downtown Raleigh. Also, the only way I’m staying up for 36 hours straight is if I take about 250mg of Adderall, and I’m not wasting that on some stupid commoner infested “celebration” downtown. It’s football season and I need that shit so I can make it to Felson’s after a full day of tailgating.

When city officials said the convention center would save us from all of our problems, I assumed they meant that we were finally getting the desperately needed valet service for our Broughton graduations, proms, and Deb Balls. Some people complained about the $221 million price tag, but once people saw how much easier it was for ITBers to attend ITB related events, I figured all the opponents of the center would quit bitching about the budget increases. I assumed everyone was just excited that ITBers would finally have a bad ass convention center with valet parking all to ourselves, but a 36 hour celebration seemed a bit over the top, especially since the people attending this celebration aren’t even going to get to use the convention center. Turns out I was dead wrong. Apparently, everyone is so excited because the city has built this convention center for other people to use. City officials are using the “logic” that if we bring in people for conventions, they will shop downtown (in our nonexistent stores) and stay in our hotels (even though we don’t have enough hotel rooms) which will bring in tons of money, thus solving all of Raleigh’s problems. How is bringing more outsiders to Raleigh going to fix our current commoner infestation problem? They’re only making things worse; here are a few conventions that are already booked.

COMING: 135 EVENTS
Kindermusik International – “gives children the opportunity to develop social skills and build relationships with other children their own age while enjoying music.” - Sounds like daycare to me. Just because your kid can’t go to White Memorial pre-school doesn’t make it ok for you to drop your heathen children off at the convention center, while you rent a hotel room and pretend to be ITB for the weekend.

The National Genealogical Society – Why can’t they just research their insignificant ancestors in their own insignificant towns? I don’t need to research my family tree, all my ancestors are ITB.

National Tekakwitha Conference - I’m really worried about the National Tekakwitha Conference, which is a group of Native American/Aboriginal Catholics. I’m sure those tribes roll pretty deep, after all, they are Catholic. Considering that we don’t have enough hotel rooms, what are we going to do when tons of Native American/Aboriginal Catholics show up with no place to stay? I’m pretty sure they don’t travel with their tee-pees all the time. What if they set up camp near Felson’s? Do the math, Native American + Catholic = alcoholic pedophile. This is what we’re trying to attract? Convincing them to leave a bar would be almost as hard as getting me to leave ITB for more than 3 days. If they try to stay for good I’ll just buy some land in North Raleigh, move them out there, and have them run a casino for me (all proceeds would go to the New Beltline fund). We’ve obviously got to make sure these Catholics stay away from the playgrounds of Lacy and Root, even though neither school currently has one.

I’m just glad no one planned this whole convention center idea very carefully. Having the convention center so close to Gelwood South will definitely make visitors hate Raleigh. No one wants to visit an area with so many different commoner bars to choose from. It’s also a good thing that all the restaurants downtown are terrible, except for Sullivan’s, Café Luna, Second Empire, and Mellow Mushroom, but commoners can’t afford those anyway. I wonder which city official will become the scapegoat for completely screwing this up. I hope it gets blamed on one person so I only have to write one thank you note. Soon everyone will see that building a $221 million mistake and inviting trash to temporarily live ITB is the worst idea ever. When it eventually fails to generate any money for the city, I’ll probably get some ITB investors to buy it with me at half the price, just so we can still hold our ITB events there, now with valet parking.

Not a day goes by that I don’t leave my house wearing a collared shirt. Everyone knows that t-shirts are for dorm rats, pseudo intellectuals, gel heads, and commoners who shop at Wal-Mart or Champs Sports. There are, however, certain situations when it’s acceptable for an ITBer to wear a shirt lacking a collar. Working out at the Club or the YMCA on Hillsborough, lying on the couch recovering from a night of binge drinking, or spending an afternoon trying to find where my SUV ended up after leaving late night are all instances where a collared shirt is not required. To avoid being mistaken as a commoner, I make sure to only wear ITB acceptable t-shirts. These can be defined as shirts from the following places/events; Sanitary Fish Market (with front pocket), Beaufort Grocery Co., Angus Barn, any shirt from a fraternity/sorority function that I don’t remember attending, Guy Harvey, Big Rock fishing shirts (even though I’ve never actually participated in the tournament), Vineyard Vines shirts from Carolina Cup, shirts from Broughton athletic teams, Dockside, Camp Seagull, Camp Seafarer, and shirts from the Ducks Unlimited Banquet. Unlike commoners, who think it’s “clever” and “witty” to wear vintage t-shirts they’ve purchased from some random website, I wouldn’t be caught dead wearing anything not on the aforementioned list. While these vintage t-shits are much more bearable than the ridiculous “designer” gel-head attire, I still don’t approve of them, mainly because I don’t understand them or their references to popular culture.

I’ve had to rethink my position on acceptable non-collared shirts after seeing this on the front page of the paper. It’s about time the N&O started covering stories that mattered. To sum up the article, Kris Hixson created a t-shirt stating the obvious “Raleigh > Charlotte.” Raleigh city officials denied his application to sell these shirts at some commoner infested event called “Raleigh Wide Open III” (I’ll explain later).

Finally, someone comes up with a great idea to display Raleigh’s superiority, only to have our politically correct city officials ruin everything. Out of 250 vendors at this event, Kris was the only one rejected. Why are we banning the sale of these? Every ITB resident should be required to purchase this t-shirt/factual statement. Apparently, convention center officials thought it was too offensive. As some convention center worker person Michelle Boyette so eloquently put it, “We might think Raleigh is greater than Charlotte, but that’s not cool.” Actually, Michelle, it’s cool as shit. As if we even needed a reason to prove our superiority, we now have a new convention center, a new hotel, and a new tall building, it’s almost like we’re a real city. These additions only make the “Raleigh > Charlotte” equation more true. I’m just assuming you haven’t noticed all three of these new buildings because you’ve been busy making sure the convention center doesn’t hurt anyone’s feelings.

I tried to find out more about Kris, whether he was ITB, what kind of car he drove, etc. Apparently, he is a graduate of Broughton, so he does have some credibility. Other than that, all I could find was this statement from a reporter.

“Kris Hixson’s disdain for Charlotte stems from his strained relationship with his step-brothers, former rap duo Kris Kross who currently reside in Charlotte. Hixson was asked to leave the original group due to the lack of ”street cred” he held with their fanbase (10-year-old males from the urban demographic.) His inability to dress himself backwards, a skill the two eldest brothers mastered early in life, was viewed as unacceptable by their fans. The duo’s manager also worried that a trio of “Kris, Kris, Kross” would send an unintended message to minorities as well as draw volatile crowds to concerts. Nevertheless, Kris carried on his musical aspirations, writing a song about Raleigh, titled “Raleigh is Greater than Charlotte.”

I tried to find the song but only found his lame YouTube Channel. Hixson still hates Charlotte, noting that “If you’re from Raleigh and move to Charlotte, something is wrong with you.” Kris, while I’m not sure how ITB you are, I couldn’t agree with you more.

The only problem I have is that you left out “ITB” from your t-shirt equation. The shirts should read “ITB > Raleigh > Charlotte.” Realizing this mistake, I did what any ITBer would do. I decided to “borrow” his idea and make it my own because “ITB > Raleigh” should definitely be displayed on a t-shirt. This statement is simple and easy for commoners to understand, even Garner residents know what the “>” sign means. You will now find what I call “fact”-shirts, which state blatantly obvious facts about ITB, available for purchase in the “ITB Yourself” section of this site. All proceeds from the sale of ITB merchandise will go towards building a wall around the soon to be re-routed beltline. I don’t know how to do all that trademark and business stuff, so don’t “borrow” this idea like I did. I’ve got my parents’ lawyers working on all that at this very moment. I still haven’t figured out how I can make customers enter their zip code to prove they are ITB before buying these products. I’ll get the IT guy from my dad’s office to figure that out, after all he did manage to make this new website for me. I’ll explain why Raleigh is superior to Charlotte, as if it isn’t painfully obvious, at another time. I just had to let people know how pathetic our city officials are making us look by banning the sale of these fact-shirts.

The opening ceremonies will begin at Broughton as members from each ITB zip code form a parade of SUVs and travel through Cameron Village ending at Felson’s. Why walk when you can drive? Athletes will proudly represent their zip code by wearing whichever pastel polo the hottest ITB MILF from each zip code chooses.

The ITB Olympics will only contain one event. The ITB Decathlon, which is actually ten different events that test an ITBers endurance, tolerance for drugs and alcohol, ability to drive drunk, and how good their parent’s lawyers are. Performance is based on the athlete’s BAC level and the results of their toxicology report, not on whether they actually finish the event. Events take place from Thursday night to Sunday morning and can be completed as quickly or slowly as the athletes choose. However, athletes are advised to get housed on Saturday night, since the scores are calculated on Sunday morning. As I said earlier, no outsiders can compete in these events. Unfortunately, there are some gel heads who have managed to sneak inside the beltline, residing in the shitty 27601 zip code. Even though they can participate, they won’t pass the mandatory gel head drug tests, which test for creatine, HGH, anabolic steroids, Red Bull, Rockstar, and the gene that causes douchebaggery. The ITB Decathlon consists of these 10 events:

1.) The Crowley’s to Felson’s 15,000 milliliters (507 fluid ounces) Relay
This event won’t be too difficult for the athletes representing the ITB section of 27609, due to the fact that they’ve been getting drunk at Crowley’s since the age of 11. The event will begin at Crowley’s and end at Felson’s, or whatever it’s called in 8 years after it’s gone through another 4 or 5 name changes. Athletes will consume half of the required 15,000ml (about 22 beers or 85 jager bombs) of alcohol at Crowley’s. After driving down the back roads and avoiding the police, athletes will arrive at Felson’s and consume the remaining 22 beers or 85 jager bombs to reach the 15,000 milliliter total. Athletes may also substitute grams of drugs in place of milliliters of alcohol if they can figure out how to use the metric system. Once finished, they must be able to spend 10 minutes on the dance floor without passing out or breaking any bottles/glasses.

2.) Swimming - Michael Phelps won gold in China, but he’s not even allowed in our swimming event, held at CCC. Why would we ever let non-members compete against us? As always, the CCC swim team will be divided in half, creating two teams that will swim against each other. We don’t let outsiders in our pool because we’d have to tear out the pool and build a new one after each race, (chlorine shocking and draining the pool doesn’t always remove 100% of OTB filth.)

3.) Cycling – Hailing from the shitty part of 27605, Flash will be the lone contestant in this event. For those of you who don’t know, Flash is a bike-riding-semi-homeless ITB Icon and will be discussed in more detail at a later date. To convince him to participate, I will offer him a ham and cheese sandwich, a lifetime CAPS pass for all BHS sporting events (home and away), and will have his restraining order against the current Broughton Volleyball team lifted. Flash has spent the last 15 years training for this event by biking to every BHS home and away game as well as to Daniels Middle School, where he attempts to befriend children between the ages of 11 and 13.

4.) Shot put - athletes must put hundreds of shots on their credit card and consume them all before 2:00am. Whoever has the highest bar tab and doesn’t get caught by the police while driving home wins. First person to throw up loses.

5.) Discus(s) - after receiving their bar tabs at 2:15 am, athletes must discus(s) the outrageous charges on their bar tabs with the bartender in hopes of reducing the insanely high total. Successful techniques to use in this event include “Do you know who the fuck I am?!” or “I could buy this place, I own this town!”

6.) Gymnastics (floor exercise) – this event occurs on the Felson’s dance floor and athletes must end the event with a late night hook up.

7.) Multi-million dollar mansion burning - athletes must find a $3 million mansion, that is in the process of being built, and burn it to the ground without being caught. Bonus points for taking out an insurance policy before burning down your own multi-million dollar house, and committing insurance fraud. (In a future post, I’ll explain to you OTBers why we dominate this event.)

8.) Adolescent Vandalism – athletes between the ages of 15 and 17 must consume a case of alcohol then drive their parent’s SUV around the 27605, 27609 zip codes destroying mailboxes or other private property. Shooting old women with paintball guns during the day is also acceptable.

9.) Skeet Shooting – this event takes place in the bathrooms of my favorite bar between two consenting athletes above the age of 15. Bonus points are awarded for the largest age difference between participants.

10.) The Dan Allen Challenge – participants must traverse their way down Dan Allen Dr. in their SUV while holding a beer can at the 12 position on the steering wheel, while also blaring “Ridin‘ Dirty” with 4 underage girls and 2 of their friends in the backseat taking a fifth of liquor and 2 cases of beer to the face. Being pulled over, failing a sobriety test, and getting a DUI are all acceptable, as long as the athlete’s badass lawyers get them off.

This concludes the ITB Olympics. True ITB zip codes are sure to dominate these games. I’m not sure what the medals will consist of since Jolly’s Jewelers didn’t take me seriously when I asked if they could forge gold, silver, and bronze ITB medals for the winners. I’m open to suggestions.

There is a new bar on Gelwood South that has shown it’s true colors over the past month by repeatedly discriminating against my ITB friends. Last weekend, some friends of mine tried to go to Brooklyn Heights, before going to Felson’s of course. I know what you’re thinking, “they must have already been blackout if they were downtown somewhere other than Sullivan’s or Blue Martini” and I agree. At the gate which surrounds Brooklyn Heights, they were greeted and let in by the bouncer, only to be stopped as they reached the door to the bar. The bar manager came outside and told them to wait there on the front porch. He went inside then returned with an 8.5×11 sheet of printer paper, which he taped to the door. He then told them “Sorry, can’t let you guys in, you don’t meet the dress code.” They read the following sign in disbelief,

Dress Code
No pastel Polos
No whale attire (they mean Vineyard Vines, they’re just too poor to know what brand the whale represents)
No sunglasses at night
No fish belts
No Sperrys/docksiders (they mean topsiders, you can’t blame them though, they’ve probably never been on anything bigger than the paddle boats at Silver Lake)

Based on this Dress Code, all of my ITB friends were denied entry. While most of them were breaking every rule on this list, they were mainly turned away for breaking the “no pastel Polos” rule. It is now blatantly obvious that Brooklyn Heights discriminates against potential customers on the basis of color……of their shirts. It’s perfectly acceptable to discriminate against others, I do it every day. I judge others based on what kind of car they drive, their country club membership (or lack thereof), where they went to high school, and their zip code; but never on the basis of color. Brooklyn Heights takes it to a whole new level.

Sporting pastel colored clothing has always been a sign of ITBness. I can wear a pink shirt because I’m better than you. You can’t wear a pink shirt because your Millbrook classmates will beat the shit out of you. The rest of this list bans pretty much my entire ITB wardrobe, which means I’ll never be allowed in this bar. I guess I’ll just have to stick to my normal routine of going to Felson’s before I go to Felson’s.

This passes the Dress Code, but my $80 Polo doesn’t.

Their membership agreement, important parts in bold:

We, the owners of Brooklyn Heights, have formed a bar in order to cater to those persons who desire a private place to pursue their common interests including, but not limited to, the live performance of music and the sampling of a variety of spirituous liquors in an atmosphere that is distinctly different from other venues within the City of Raleigh. Membership is limited to those persons over the age of twenty-one who express a desire to increase their knowledge in the areas outlined above and a willingness to abide by all club Rules and Regulations. We appreciate your interest in Brooklyn Heights and upon acceptance and receipt of a membership fee, which will entitle the member to entrance as well as the opportunity to enjoy the pursuit of our common interests within the confines of Brooklyn Heights including but not limited to the sampling of a variety of spirituous liquors, you will receive a numbered membership card that should be kept on your person when visiting Brooklyn Heights.

This isn’t Dead Poet’s Society, you are just a shitty bar on Gelwood South. If by “distinctly different,” you mean “run down shack,” then yes you are a distinctly different venue. I’ll be shocked if your “venue” is still standing after hurricane season. From reading the agreement, I think they’re trying to attract what I call “pseudo intellectuals.” These are people that think, “I’m smarter than everyone because I read the Independent, listen to indie rock, don’t watch television (except for “The Daily Show” and “The Colbert Report”) and try to protect the environment, all while wearing clothes that are too small for me.” I hate wasting my time discussing pseudo-intellectuals as much as they hate “the establishment,” but people need to know how miserable they are. They think they’re cultured because they “branch out” by trying new things, listening to new music, and attending different bars and restaurants. I don’t try new things because I know what I like. There is no possible way that anything else is better than my current lifestyle. The truth is, these pseudo intellectuals are really just mildly retarded, mouth breathers who are trying to appear intelligent. Go ahead and change your membership agreement from “pursuit of our common interests” to “commoner interests” because all these people do is sit around and talk about that new indie rock band that no one else knows about and how they’re going to save the environment by using “alternative fuels” or “green energy” or some other imaginary concept. Their ideas always have a huge impact, especially the time they created a Facebook group that encouraged everyone to boycott gas stations on the same day. Exxon barely recovered from that brilliant plan. Eventually, the gel heads will take over Brooklyn Heights, like the disease that they are, and the pseudo intellectuals will be forced to go back to Cup a Joe or Raleigh Times.

I don’t know how the management will deal with the infestation of gel heads, since this is how the owners deal with important decisions. “We didn’t have a plan; we just winged the whole thing and relied on everyone’s input.” Great business model, jackass. That’s almost as smart as the time Crowley’s came up with a business plan to start selling coke from behind the bar and in vending machines in the bathrooms. Good thing they had ITB lawyers on retainer to bail them out.

Brooklyn Heights will eventually pay for their discriminatory practices. Even though Felson’s is exclusive, we do allow the gel heads entry every 3 months, just so they’ll be forced to buy overpriced drinks and realize that they’re still below us in every imaginable way. Trying to keep a bar open based on non-ITB bar tabs alone is impossible. Pseudo intellectuals don’t even have real jobs. They barely make enough to eat from their jobs at coffee shops and used bookstores, which is probably why they’re so thin. Gel heads certainly can’t afford the $300 nightly bar tabs that we drop like spare change. Three hundred dollars to them is a month’s worth of protein shakes and products from GNC. Good luck trying to make money. In this world of pink, yellow, peach, and sea foam green can’t we all just get along? I don’t actually want to hang out with you guys, I just want to go to your bar for 15 minutes to remind me that Felson’s is still the greatest bar in the world.

While I’m on the topic of gangs, I want to address the unfortunate fact that Raleigh has landed on another Top 10 list. This time Raleigh was rated as one of the best “gay ghettos” in the country. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m no homophobe, the more gay guys there are the more girls there are for me. The reason it’s unfortunate is because every time Raleigh makes one of these Top 10 lists the probability of commoners moving here increases. I’ll address one of the major causes of this problem soon. What confuses me is why a group that fights so hard for equal rights would use the term “ghetto” to refer to their ideal place to live. People in the ghetto don’t even want to live in the ghetto. The Top 10 list describes Raleigh as a place that “benefits from an expanding arts and entertainment scene and an overabundance of renowned universities and high-tech industries. Raleigh is also fast becoming a capital city for LGBT communities. Housing is affordable; upside economic and population growth potential is strong, and it is centrally located between the pristine Outer Banks coastal region and the wildly popular Blue Ridge Mountains.” I don’t see the connection between a real ghetto and the aspects of Raleigh that you described, but by all means, feel free to make yourselves at home in our downtown ghettos.

On right: a great little fixer-upper in the ghetto.

In order to survive, you’re going to want to form a gayng right from the start. Sure, the homocide rates will skyrocket when you first move in and try to spruce up the dilapidated “houses” with new color schemes and shit from Crate and Barrel, but they should level out after you guys establish some street cred and decide on some gang signs and colors (try to avoid clothes that sparkle). I’m sure you’ll eventually assimilate and fit in well with the existing residents. If all goes well, you should be able to release your first rap album within six months. I can’t wait to hear the first hot single on the dance floor at Felson’s. Until then, I’m going to see what I can do about getting some guns in the hands of the people who need them the most, gang members.

a.) a Fort Bragg soldier who killed another Fort Bragg soldier, then lit a house/car/apartment on fire for some unknown reason. A baby is usually involved in the story somehow.
b.) an unidentified cab driver, Arby’s employee, or gang member, who was shot in Cumberland County (Fayetteville), police are still searching for the suspect
c.) the House or Senate voted on some unimportant bill, law, or budget that doesn’t affect me and that I don’t understand
d.) the poor schools that don’t have any money because they lack ITB parents that will donate thousands of dollars for no reason or if their child doesn’t make it onto an athletic team
e.) the “mortgage crisis” and “recession” our country is (not) in

After the day I found out(side the beltline), I realized that I can’t go through life telling people I’m ITB when a tool pigeon gel-head from Gorman St. can say the same thing. Determined to fix this problem, I drove home that day from the black hole that is Western Blvd. of Broken Dreams, and began to call all the important people that I know, which is a lot. I went through my entire Blackberry and iPhone (yeah, I have both) calling all my Dad’s friends for help. After a day of studying maps, traffic patterns, and property values I came up with a plan. The beltline must be rebuilt completely and a wall must be constructed to keep all types of commoners out. This plan will be unveiled in phases. It is dependent on Victor coming through with the funds and also on my ability to circumvent the City Council, lawmakers, construction crews, and protesters. I now present Phase I of the ITB Renovation Plan.

Phase 1 Trail(wood) of Tears
We must eliminate those who lower my property value. A good way to start will be to evacuate the indigenous peoples of Method Rd. as well as Western Blvd. “But William, how will you displace so many people? Where do you plan to move them?” Good questions. To displace the current “residents,” I’ve hired some younger ITB Indian Guides to do the work for me. It’s called outsourcing. My Dad says it’s the best way to make a profit, even though it’s ruining the U.S. economy. I don’t really care, as long as I’m still making money. The Indian Guides will attempt to barter with the Method Rd. savages by offering them shiny tin cans or fake Green Cards in exchange for their land. Not only will this prepare the ITB kids for later in life, by teaching them how to manipulate others and mistreat the less fortunate, but they will also receive a tribal feather. Apparently, the ITB Indian Guides get “displacement feathers” for forcing large groups of people, preferably an oppressed group, from one area to another. If anything goes wrong, I’ve got some Boy Scouts from White Memorial on speed dial.

20 displaced savages = 1 tribal feather. Brighton (pictured above) has already earned 3 feathers

If and when the tribes resist, they will be forced to walk from their homes (if you can call them that, anything under 10.000 sq. ft. should be considered a pool house) down the long and torturous Trail(wood) of Tears to a nice place in Durham that I have set aside for them. Why the Trail(wood) of Tears and why Durham? Even though the lack of sidestreets on this road will encourage the “natives” to escape into the woods, where they would construct some sort of mud hut/tee-pee/log cabin in an attempt to continue living ITB, the absence of fast-food restaurants will ensure that they continue moving towards Durham in order to find food. As for Durham, I used some of my trust fund money to buy the old Durham Bulls Park. I got the idea from Hurricane Katrina and the Superdome in New Orleans. Since that event was so successful, I’m sure we can house the foreign commoners here without any problems. Most of these people work in construction or own gas stations, so they shouldn’t have trouble finding a job. Durham will provide the gas station owners with the perfect clientele (people who spend 90% of their disposable income on cigarettes, malt liquor, beer, and scratch-off lottery tickets) to succeed in the industry. Durham’s new motto should just be “Durham: Paying for your child’s education one scratch off ticket at a time.”

Once Western Blvd. is cleared out, it will become the ITB landfill. The only reason I’m allowing the filthy gel-head, American Eagle t-shirt wearing, Trailwood commoners to stay (they’ll still be OTB under my new plan) is because they pay taxes. Also, the gel heads will be downwind from our trash, making life even more miserable for them. Although, they probably won’t notice the stench due to the insane amount of Axe body spray they use on a daily basis. With all this space for trash, I won’t have to pay for that worthless recycling service the city “provides” (charges me for against my will). Why should I be forced to pay for a recycling service when I don’t even believe in recycling? I don’t care about the environment because it doesn’t care about me.

Cleaning out the Method Rd./Western Blvd. area will help to secure our borders and decrease crime. I realize that displacing those residents will cripple the construction, fast food, cleaning, lawn care, and service industries. I also know that no self-respecting ITB kid would actually have a part time job and if they did it sure as hell wouldn’t be a blue-collar job. So in order to fill these positions, I will allow gel-heads to get an ITB Work Visa* (because they pay taxes). This way our economy won’t continue in this mental recession and I can make fun of gel heads while they bring me my food at the drive-thru. This is just Phase I of my ITB renovation plan. It should be completed once I get these funds from Victor. More commoner-related issues and problems with our current beltline will be addressed in the near future.

*Note: The family that currently takes care of my lawn, cleans my house, and builds shit when my Dad tells them, will be allowed an ITB Work Visa even though they don’t pay taxes, are here illegally, and have been deported twice. It’s cheap labor, can you blame me?