by William Needham Finley IV™

Don’t Vote for William Finley IV

in ITBNN by

80 FreshToday’s post is brought to you by 80Fresh, a local company that delivers balanced, home cooked meals to your door. Use this link and enter code “ITB” to receive 30% off of your first order.

Whatever you do, DO NOT write in “William Finley IV” for Soil and Water Conservation District Supervisor. I know I asked for your vote less than 24 hours ago, but let me explain. I know a ton about water, specifically La Croix. I even designed a special can for inside the beltline a few months ago.

I drink three cans of La Croix each day and I’m pretty sure it’s why I have indigestion. It was this dedication to water that compelled me to run for Soil and Water Conservation District Supervisor the day before the election. I’ve run for office in the past with varying degrees of success.

In 2014

In 2015, (I don’t recall what I ran for in this election. City Council maybe?)

The 2015 election taught me a valuable lesson. I needed to rally my base around a single name. So last night I asked everyone to write in “William Finley IV” if they wanted to support my dream of being Soil and Water Conservation District Supervisor. I came up with campaign slogans, made a campaign commercial, touted my experience, and developed my platform.

Campaign Slogans
A case of La Croix in every refrigerator and an SUV in every garage.

Read my lips, no new La Croix flavors.

Are you better off than you were whenever we last voted on the Soil and Water Conservation District Supervisor?

It’s soil and water, stupid.

Campaign Commercial
My PAC spent $60,000 dollars making this commercial.

My Experience
2007 – Founded ITB Insider™ (originally

2012 – Went to the London Olympics.

2016 – Started a startup – created 1 job.

2016 – Launched Dogs of ITB on Instagram to give Raleigh citizens a break from the never ending election coverage.

2016 – Brought Foster’s, Nelson’s, and Felson’s back for an anti-campaign music festival, Don’t Jump, It’s Almost Over.

My Platform
Build a pipeline to the La Croix factory so that Raleigh residents can have La Croix on tap.

Flood downtown to create the downtown Raleigh canal.

After talking with campaign staff, I realized that there would be meetings, decisions, and a lot of work associated with the position. That’s way too much for someone who is already running a growing media empire. Plus, I don’t know anything about soil and that’s like half the job apparently. As a result, I fully endorse Marshall Harvey for Soil and Water Conservation District Supervisor. I’m proud of the race that I ran, but I just don’t really want to do the job. Thank you all for your support.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.

Latest from ITBNN

Go to Top